Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Things no one talks about

We had our PreCana class over the weekend, this past Saturday. It was eight full hours of premarital counseling - well sort of. I don't think you can really count 8 hours of being in an auditorium full of maybe 25 other couples as counseling, but it really did provide some insight. The main topics were about communication, finances, natural family planning, and life. There was an elder couple who came in to talk to us and it was really nice to hear about their hardships and how they solved them.

Fair fighting was on the agenda, along with communication and it really kind of hit me hard upside my head. They gave us this little circle - and said when we have an issue to sit down face to face and go through the circle. Basically what it was getting at, was every issue has an underlying fear. That's what hit me hard.

All the little tiff's Erik and I have been having lately, and all the 'fights' so to say are due to a fear - mainly me enraged by one thing or another. I don't ask for help around the house, because I don't want to rely on Erik to take out the trash (or something along those lines) and then he deploys and I suddenly have a breakdown because he isn't here to take out the garbage. Makes no sense to my sane brain, but the insane brain makes this believable. I guess what it boils down to is I'm scared to give up on the independence I've gained - the 'I can do it all, I've got this, I don't need your help' type of attitude. I don't want to be left vulnerable when it's time for him to leave again.
Also, there are numerous occasions where I feel like my job, to him, isn't validated. Yes, I am home all the time but I do work. I do have responsibilities, I have deadlines, I have people who depend on me to do my job. So when I'm asked to call someone and it's in the middle of my work day - no it isn't going to happen. If he wants it done right then and there, he needs to call them, not me. I'm working. So it really upsets me that it feels like he doesn't respect my job. He wouldn't call me at the office to call the pest control company to come out, so why does he feel the need to ask me directly to do it in the middle of my work day? This really doesn't qualify as a fear, but I guess if I were more open about it it is. I want to be appreciated for what I do, for what I bring to the table. I want to feel needed, and feeling unneeded and not being appreciated is a huge fear for me. I want to feel like my contribution is just as important as his is.

No one ever really talks about their fears, not as much as their wants are brought up into discussion. Maybe because showing fears and weaknesses leaves you vulnerable, open for someone to realize that your not worth the time and effort. Lately, I feel like I'm pushing Erik away, trying to get him to break almost. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, because it certainly isn't what I want. But maybe its for my own ease of mind, like if I push him so hard and he is still here than that means he really isn't going anywhere. Or maybe its just the 3 year itch. Either way.. I don't like it. Its extremely tiresome. We stopped doing the Love Dare because we got so busy with work, but I'm truly thinking about starting it back up soon.

My mind just seems so scattered lately, and on a one way road to destruction. I've been so preoccupied with wedding things, and having things just perfect. I've been extremely stressed with money and lately health issues. I developed Bell's Palsey recently and that's been a royal pain in the rear to deal with. I'm just getting to the point of no return I feel.. I think some much needed relaxation is in the forecast, maybe a massage would help, I'm really looking forward to doing hot yoga when I get to Virginia Beach for Christmas. I've really missed it, it isn't offered down here or at least not anywhere that I've found. Maybe.. I'm just on overload - but regardless - it needs to stop, because I seriously can't handle many more days like today.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Never ending battle.

It's still a battle. My body image vs Me.

We had our engagement pictures taken back on the 13th of November, and got them back last week. And I will firstly say I am in love with them. I am so utterly happy with our photographers and absolutely amazed that these are really us in the pictures! But.. on another token it's made me painfully aware of my poor body image.
In my head, I'm still vastly overweight. Okay - that in itself was an overstatement. But - I wasn't thin. I've lost about 20 pounds since last year. And for the most part.. I've been pretty good about keeping it off. I'm a fluctuator though, by about 5 pounds. But anyways - like I was saying. I think my body image of myself hasn't improved. I look at those pictures and notice right away that I look good. But yet I still want to loose another 10 more pounds. It's always, another ten more pounds and another ten. For some reason, I just don't grasp what it is that everyone else sees. I don't grasp that I do look pretty, or that I am at a good weight.

I'm not really sure how to solve this issue.. or at least correct it. I know it will always be a work in progress, this back and forth battle with my body image it would just be nice to learn how to correct those thoughts...

just what is on my mind at the moment. I know I've been a horrible blogger but I promise once things settle down I'll blog more. There have been numerous times I've wanted to, just extremely busy lately.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Worry less - live more.

"Can any of you, by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was not clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the filed, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagens seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil" Matthew 6:27-34

I came across this tonight, and it really struck home. It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Work has really been wearing me out lately. I love my job, but I really think I need some time off- unfortunately I don't know when that time is going to come. For those of who don't know, I don't have benefits at my job, which means I don't receive paid time off. So therefore I don't take time off because I have bills to pay and a wedding to get things for. The normal everyday Americans financial worries. I was really looking forward to our honeymoon because it'll be my first non holiday day off in almost two years. Unfortunately, we don't know when we are going to be able to take our honeymoon now. We have been waiting on the first time home buyers tax credit and it won't be until 2012 that we receive anything. That being said, our honeymoon is up in the air. Especially since we have to be back in time and I have to be caught up with work by the time Erik's sisters wedding comes around. I'm sure it will be just fine, but I do admit I am slightly bummed that I don't know when exactly I will get some time off.

Aside from work, nothing is really new. I am always stressed over the wedding planning and what have you. I'm hoping to start working on some DIY projects I want to do for the wedding. I need to find a few nifty looking picture frames. One specifically for the menu, I want to do a chalkboard menu. At least that's what the plan is now. I might just write the menu on burlap and frame that - we'll see. I need to start getting mason jars together that's for sure. I will get those this week, at least the one's for the centerpieces (I am guessing I am going to need approximately 8-10. I'm thinking we are only going to have between 60-70 guests and I'm not sure how many sit at a table - I think its ten to a table. I am really excited about decorating for the holidays and getting the house all pretty with fall things and soon Christmas stuff! I have been on pinterest lately and have found a few home DIY projects I want to do. There is a Christmas ornament wreathe I want to make. I took a few wine bottles we had here at the house and decorated them. I'm pretty impressed with how they came out to be honest. I love wine bottles, heck I just love wine.

I honestly had a wedding breakdown earlier this week. We have now, under 4 months until the wedding. And for some reason, I don't feel like it's ever enough time! But I really just need to remember, no one will realize the small things except me. Heck, as long as I'm in my dress and look beautiful, Erik is in his tux and we end up married. I won't care. Honestly. That's all people will really remember. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore by trying to make sure everyone likes my wedding (our wedding). It isn't about them, its about us. Who cares if someone thinks I did a horrible job planning it, I for sure won't. I just need to stop stressing out and becoming so anxious over it all.

I'm really working on doing better. Relaxing, and just living life. Worrying less. I'm trying to not stress out if the house isn't freakishly clean, and if my pants fight just slightly snugger on one day than the next. I realized I'm about 5 lbs away from my first goal weight. And that makes me really happy. As long as I can keep it up throughout the holidays - I think things will be okay. I just need to remember moderation is key. I've been doing a ballet video on Erik's late nights because I don't look very elegant doing the video - but I can tell it's really putting things into place. I've also been riding still which I like to think helps. I've learned not to deprive my sweet tooth, but also not to over indulge. I think the only thing really I need to improve - is my self confidence. I don't have any, at all. So any suggestions any one has would be wonderful.

Well.. I'm off to search the house for a wire hanger - I think I got ride of all of them, but now I need one for a DIY project. So fingers crossed. Tomorrow I think we are going to go to the air show - but I'm not for sure yet. I really have to go and find two cute outfits for our engagement pictures next weekend! So maybe shopping is in the plan. We'll see..

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

More jumbled thoughts

Lately, Erik and I fight over dumb things. It's pretty retarded for the most part - but it makes my mood absolutely horrible. I hate when he leaves things on our kitchen island - or any counter for the most part - partially because I'm borderline OCD about it but it drives me crazy. And I swear there is this little voice in his head telling him to do it because it pisses me off. So - after 6 months of arguing over it finally we get somewhere - we'll see just how long it lasts. We always tend to fight in the car - which is bad - I like to talk after we fight, Erik doesn't. So we go into church pissed off at each other, and about 10 minutes into the service, we're over it. I can't help but laugh about how we really can't stay mad at one another very long.

I've been working on cutting out caffeine. Soda isn't the issue - I don't drink it, except for the occasional Spirit but coffee is another story. I'm realizing tho - that it doesn't affect me like it used to. I tend to get headache's now when I drink it too much. It sucks, because I do love coffee. So I figure once a week is more than okay.

I've been doing a bit better on my bad days, I try to remind myself that no matter how I feel that day - I am pretty. I try not to guilt trip myself when I have a piece or two of Halloween candy, or a bowl of ice cream. I have a horrible sweet tooth, I always have. One thing I can't quite knock is the urge to take a diet pill or two. I know they're still hidden in the house, so whenever I see the scale moves in a way I didn't want it to - that tends to cross my mind. But I'm working on it - instead I try to remind myself that I need to take the dog on a long walk, or I need to make that workout dvd that I insisted on buying - a bit more resourceful. I try - but it doesn't mean I'm bulletproof. I used to be really awesome about getting into the gym and running, and working out in general. I haven't been so good at it since the move. I know the number on the scale is a lot better than it used to be, but I'm still about ten pounds away from my goal weight. I just want to feel and look pretty again - I know I'm pretty now, but I want to feel pretty. If that makes any sense at all.

I definitely would be lost if I hadn't found an awesome friend to go riding with. It's made such a difference to be back on and near horses again. I really feel a lot happier, having that aspect of my life back. Knowing that even on my bad days, I can go and escape the realities of the world - and just ride out in the middle of a forest is the most amazing thing ever. There is nothing like hugging a horse, and just feeling your worries melt away.

Monday, October 17, 2011


Truth be told I'm struggling lately. Not with the obvious (Florida or wedding things) but with much more than that. I've been really struggling with loosing weight lately, I've had more bad days than good days and I don't like it. Bad days are days where my mind is already on the next day and where I can't help but think about what I've eaten, what I want to eat, and what I shouldn't eat. I can't help but stare at my problem areas when I look or walk by a mirror. I worry about how the shirt I am wearing might make my stomach look. And I mostly worry about the number on the scale. It's something I've struggled with for almost 8 years, it gets easier but the bad days never do. Its almost an obsession at times, at least for me. Looking at images all day or some days of other girls with the perfect body, it becomes hard not to get caught up in the comparisons, in the 'what ifs'. I worry constantly how I look on my bad days. I worry about why I choose to eat breakfast or how I can speed up my metabolism, what exercises might help burn the most fat or tone all the right places. The hardest is getting past all the thoughts, all the mean thoughts that go on in my head or the thoughts that pop up  every time I look in the mirror. Its hard to mute those thoughts. The thoughts that I'm referring to are the nasty comments I keep in my brain, that I don't have the guts to tell Erik what I really think, or those thoughts that just are burrowed down so deep - the emotional scars. The one's where I'm constantly thinking about 'how fat I am' or how 'jiggly my stomach looks' or how 'if I just take maybe a few diet pills, the 10 pounds might just come off quicker'. But I know a few diet pills turns into months of them, and I have gained the control to stop taking them completely. I just don't know how to get past these thoughts that come around on my bad days. I don't know how I got lucky enough to find someone who really loves me and adores me and really just tries to understand or make it better. I just don't think he really can understand the thought process my brain goes through at times.
Recently I found out that my thyroid medication lists anxiety as a side affect and after doing some research on how to naturally (within my diet and vitamin balance) ward that off - turns out coffee and caffeine help hinder anxiety. My latest obsession - coffee. So for me that means only drinking caffeine drinks twice a week. I haven't ever really been a heavy soda drinker - and I maybe have a Sprite once in a while but other than that I don't drink it. I do however have a love for Starbucks (especially their nonfat, peppermint white chocolate mocha's. yummm) So I guess with all things, comes limitations and finding a happy medium. I did find that green tea, which I love, is good for me and eases anxiety. I think I really will get on the ball on doing more 'lists' that way I can focus on what's at hand, rather than letting my mind wander to tomorrow.

On the upside, the weather here has been extremely nice lately. So nice in fact we've been able to keep the AC off aside from maybe 3 days or so. I love having our windows open, and fresh air blowing through the house. Not to mention I have a feeling we are going to love our electric bill that much more this month. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for some fall weather! I love the colder weather - not super cold where there is freezing temperatures, but like the high 50's, mid 60's temperatures. Just enough for jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a scarf - I loveeeeee scarves.

I'm really hoping for a better week, a better half of the month really. I can't handle another beginning of the month. So here's to having hope for more good days, and faith for happier days, and love for everyday.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

A little of this.. a little of that

It's been a while since my last post, things have been pretty busy for the most part. Between riding, the dog, and keeping up with the house work on top of actually working I barely have time for myself, let alone Erik or wedding things.
We went and visited my family this past weekend since Erik had a four day weekend with work. It was a decent 9 and a half hour drive, easy for the most part, but long. It was so nice seeing my family, and my dog, and hearing jet noise. I did a lot of thinking while back home, whether or not I'd want to move back there or not. I missed the food - goodness the good Mexican food, fish taco's, frozen yogurt. I missed it all. I missed my family, my friends. I was able to see two friends while I was there, both who are my bridesmaids. I got my hair done and went bridesmaid dress shopping and had no luck whatsoever. But that's okay, there is the Internet and time to make other visits. It was really nice knowing where I was and how to get around town without a GPS.
I've kind of been slacking in the wedding aspect - I did book our baker for the cake, and I did find the invitations I want, we're just hacking out the price and exactly what we need them to say, I will hopefully be ordering them by the end of the week, permitting we have our ceremony time by then. Hopefully we do. I have a DJ meeting coming up on Thursday and hopefully we can get that taken care of - I'm kind of running out of time on that, and it really needs to be booked. Other than that things are pretty much falling into place to be quite honest. I ordered Erik's wedding band There are a few little things that I need to do such as finding a make-up artist. Finding a rehearsal dinner site and taking care of that. I do need to talk to another baker about a grooms cake. I really need to get my bridesmaid dresses ordered by next month for sure. We will hopefully be taking our engagement pictures next month as well. There are little things that I need to start accumulating such as mason jars and candles and other decor things. I also need to start thing about Out of Town bags for our guests. I'm trying my hardest not to let it stress me out, and so far I'm not doing a bad job of it. I've kind of just adopted the whole idea of things will work themselves out.
My pinterest addiction has fueled some projects that I've started on, and I'm excitingly completely doing the office. We are adding a chair rail into it and painting the walls below it a blue color- the first things we've painted in our home. I took our old kitchen table and turned it into my desk and painted it a bright turquoise. We are getting a filing cabinet since we are selling my old desk that one in it. And I believe I am going to wallpaper it so it looks pretty. I've got a bookshelf I need to paint so I can bring it in here and then I'll pretty much be done except for some wall art. I'm really loving being able to do things like this and making our house more than just a house. It's pretty exciting but boy does the cost add up.
We also started RCIA classes about a month ago now, if you don't know what RCIA classes are - they are classes that teach you and explain the Catholic faith to you. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and just didn't really seem fit to do without Erik around since he was deployed. But I really feel comfortable in our church and I am enjoying the classes a lot more than I thought I would to be honest. The classes go all the way up to April and on the day before Easter I will be baptized and confirmed and have my first communion. Most people were baptized as babies, and in almost all faith's, except for Unitarian, babies are baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Spirit - so the Catholic church accepts that - but I was never baptized so, I will be then. It's taught me a lot and I feel really at ease, and just 'right' with it.
I really have been working hard on getting over everything that happened with Erik's sisters. It's not that I'm holding a grudge or I am still mad, I'm actually not mad at all, anymore, it's more or less I'm just really hurt by it. I understand why his middle sister was upset, and why his other two sisters got upset and defended her. I truly do, they're sisters - I'm not, and I'm the one who upset her. I'm more or less hurt by the words that were said, and the actions that are occurring. I guess I had this thought that once Erik and I were engaged, or once we were married that they would all like me and I'd have sisters that I never had before. I know I tend to dwell on this, and I really am working to get past it. Like I said I'm not mad, it's more or less that I'm still hurt by it, but like Erik said I need to get past it.

Other than that, nothing really new has gone on lately. I've just been pretty busy and trying more or less to finish up some wedding lose ends and ride as much as I can without leaving puppy dog alone for too long. She gets spayed next week, so that'll be pretty interesting. Maybe it might calm her down some, but overall she really isn't too 'crazy' she's just a puppy and we love her little puppy dog attitude. She's gotten so big since we last got her - she weighs a whopping 62 pounds now, versus the 25 she barely weighed when she came home with us. She's definitely stolen our hearts that's for sure.

But back to work for me.. I've got a ton of things to get done - story of my life at the moment.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

For what its worth, I'm still adjusting to my 'new' life here in Jacksonville. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse than others. I won't deny that the thought to run home doesn't cross my mind at least once a month but I can't say I absolutely hate it here either.. I'm just here.
I caved in the other day and posted an ad on craigslist offering barn work (mucking stalls and such) for riding time. I don't want extra money, I just want to ride. And well I'll be darn I didn't only get one response, I got three. The first one I went and saw on Thursday before the free Brad Paisley concert on base, and the guy is really nice. Ideally it's what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted. He offered to let me come out and work as often as I wanted and I could ride, whomever I wanted and help him train them to show. He's offered to trailer them out to cross country fields - the whole shebang, and offered to get me back into competing. How amazing of an opportunity is that, especially the fact that it just fell in my lap. The other person who contact me is a sweet lady who just wants someone to ride her horses, mainly trails, and work on a few little issues they have. I meet with her yesterday and went for a trail ride with her, she is such a sweet wonderful lady and lives like 10 minutes down the road at that! So.. I'm stuck. I really want to do both, but with a wedding in less than six months and working as much as I am, it just isn't ideal. I also don't know if I want to compete anymore.. it was what I lived for for so long and I don't know if I miss competing.. riding and jumping you bet your  bottom dollar I do - but competing I just don't think fits anymore. But I'm so happy to be riding again, it really feels amazing to be back in the saddle. I also recently, as of last night actually had another lady needing someone to work her horses. I think she is another Navy wife, with a young baby who just doesn't have the time. So I am hoping to meet up with her either tonight or tomorrow afternoon and meet her and maybe I'll just work their two horses. Either way, I really don't foresee myself getting back into competing. It just isn't ideal, and it's a lot of money. I just want to ride and enjoy it.

After my mental breakdown the other night, last week actually, (all because of a stupid mop not wanting to work) I've been considering making a doctors appointment.. I really think I'm going through an anxiety issue with all of the changes and things that have been going on. I'm just not handling and processing things like I normally would and it really scares me. So that's been on my mind lately, going back and forth on it.. I know it would be for the best but I don't know if I'm just reading to far into things or what. I have my days like today - where I feel great, I'm happy and I feel normal again..  I just don't know.. it might be the stress of everything getting to me, but whatever it is, it needs to go away that's for sure. I've definitely noticed riding is helping that big time. I've been twice now and I definitely can't get enough of it.. the house is starting to show that. So time for a new routine and figuring out the best days to ride, and the best times to clean. I definitely need to work on getting my tail end out of bed earlier in the morning so I have more time to do things, and can work better hours.

But that's where I am right now.. working on having a more positive outlook and aspect on life, trying to make the house more like home, I definitely have some projects I would like to get done that's for sure. Now if I can just get the last of my wedding vendors booked... I'd be a happy camper.

Friday, September 2, 2011


Lately I've been struggling with a few things.. for some reason it just feels like life has overrun me, that I am so focused on the daily grind, I forget what makes me happy - and I forget to be happy. I just live and get through each day. I really need to work on finding things that make me happy here, and making the effort to do them. Because I should be happy, I need to be happy. Life is to short to just get through it.

I think there is a part of me that is jealous of Erik, that he gets to leave the house to go to work, that he has co-workers to go out with and friends here to do things with.. while I just have our puppy dog. I have never really felt so alone, until we moved here. And I know it's good for us to have time away from each other, truly I get that beyond belief, and that we need to have our own friends to have fun with - but I don't have friends here. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to make friends, but... girls are just hard to trust. Everyone is so high-maintenance, and so dramatic about a lot of things. While me, I'm just laid back and relaxed about it all.

Part of me things I need to get a weekend part time job, or volunteer somewhere on a farm. I know I talked about this before. But I really need to. Maybe I can make some friends that way, or at least get out of the house. It's times like these where nothing more than a bareback trail ride to no where sounds amazing.. but needless to say financially I can't take on the responsibility of a horse.

I just want to be the happy go lucky girl I was before we moved. I want to be able to go out for drinks with friends and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or not wearing whats in style. I want to be able to laugh again - I can't tell you the last time I really, really laughed was. I'm trying really hard, to get past all the things I hate about here, and find things I love or at least like about living here. I think if it wasn't for the house, and the puppy, I'd hate everything about this place... but that isn't a good place to be. I shouldn't be such a Negative Nellie, and I should be more optimistic about it here. I need to at least try for my own sanity.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

It's happened..

Well, the moment that I never - not in a million years saw coming - has happened. I'm officially obsessed with my wedding and I think - just possibly - I am starting to enjoy wedding planning. Wow - did I really just say that? I'm also obsessed with a few other things - pinterest.com and stylemepretty.com - well for their wedding stuff of course. I'm not really obsessed by the 'big things' like the church - that we still haven't quite found yet (although we do have a meeting with a new church on Monday - which has a really pretty fitting ceiling)  it's more or less the little things - the detail that I'm overly obsessed with. I'm still having a tough time with the color. But I think I'm pretty stuck on the country chic, elegant, vintage, romantic feel for the wedding. I think I just need to kind to take a breathe with it. I'm thinking a flowy light silver dress for the girls and then, just blush pink and coral pink and various shades of pink - like peach and coral- with a hint of buttercream yellow throughout. Erik promised we would go to David's bridal and get swatches this weekend so I can have a set colors. I think I just need to focus, I spend so much time exploring everyone elses' picture perfect weddings and get so indecisive with all the choices out there. I'm absolutely obsessed with it. I love staring at all the pictures, scrolling through pages and pages of inspiration. Thinking about little details that I never would of thought of before. Just little things. Menu boards, drinks, guest books, lighting, ceremony details - candles and twine and mason jars. It's so much fun to day dream and look through all the little details.

Pinterest is also amazing for the house details. It's given me so many neat and crafty idea's on how to spruce up the house or things to do to spaces, and idea's for storage. I could just go nutso doing it all - and spend millions. It's actually also lead me to some awesome websites I don't think I would of found otherwise. So yeah.. I'm definitely addicted.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Maybe.. baby?

Erik and I have been discussing when we would ideally like to start our own family. We know we want him home for as much as possible, from pregnancy to birth, to the baby's firsts. It's hard to predict that in the military life, with the Navy it's easy to predict it on a shore duty rotation versus a sea duty rotation. So the decision.. do we want to have children now and have fun when we are more financially stable - let's say mid 40's? Or do we want to have fun now and then have children 6-7 years from now - when I'm 30. Financially speaking we are pretty 'comfortable', we are pretty smart with how money is spent. Well Erik is. It's not that we have a ton of it, but we are smart on what we spend. A little off topic: but it kills me when I hear other people saying "Oh, we can't afford rent that is more than $900 when their BAH is let's say.. a married E5 - $1287." While I am not a person who puts down others, but knowing that Erik is a 'single' E4 and making $300 less a month (in the BAH aspect, a total of $600 less) and we own our own home. Our mortgage is more than our BAH, so when I hear others saying we really can't afford having rent that is still less than their BAH and both parties work and don't have kids, kind of aggravates me!
But back on topic.. We would like to wait for Erik to make rank before we have a baby. Just for the simple fact being that I don't have any benefits at my job. I won't have maternity leave, I will have to take time off unpaid. I don't have any benefits at all. I love my job, just sucks that I don't have the security of having benefits.

But since we've discussed having a baby, the more I think about it, the more scared I get. If that makes sense? I know, I know, I've had a horrible case of baby fever - but that was before the engagement, before our wedding date was set, before anything became 'permanent'. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Don't mistake me, I want a baby - I want to have Erik's baby. But when I walk into Target and hear a child screaming, with a blood red face, or when I go into Chilli's and see a child sitting in a highchair, throwing food around and see the frustration on the child's face - it kind of scares me to be truthful. I guess because it's more real now. I know that probably doesn't make any sense. But that's whats going on in my brain. Everytime I bring it up with Erik, he is just 'la de da' about it. I think maybe, it's because it won't really be real to him until I'm having a baby or had a baby. But I ask him if he is scared and he isn't. He is so relaxed about it. Maybe, I will be more at peace with this in a few months, or closer to the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I do want a baby, I think it just scares me a little that it could potentially be sooner than I thought. My brain is a jumbled mess lately.. but what else is new!

Hopefully I can get a good nights rest tonight.. I haven't been able to get much sleep at all lately or haven't really been sleeping well, either way I'm really tired -often. Have a good night and sorry if my jumbled mess doesn't make much sense.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Wisdom to accept..

It's been a pretty relaxing weekend for the most part. I booked our photographer on Friday, and I'm really excited about finishing up the 'big' planning steps. I still have to book our baker, the dj, and find someone I trust with my hair and face. Outside of that I think it's just the fun things, taking our engagement pictures, picking out invitations, and finding bridesmaids dresses. I'm having a bit of a hard time actually getting in trust with a 'bridesmaid' but I'm sure it's just because she is pretty busy herself. We are still hunting for a church, because I'm not comfortable spending the money that we would be spending on the current church. And I really need to decide on my final colors. But wedding stuff isn't really what this post is about.

I'm trying to have the wisdom to accept the things that I can not change. I've been struggling with it lately, and with certain things going on in my life. My grandmother's health is failing miserably. She has on one hand defeated cancer but otherwise her health is failing rapidly and the doctors aren't really quite sure why or how to fix it. That's been a hard thing to deal with and to actually rather understand when it's all third party information. Secondly, my brother is straying far away from the path he really should be on. Part of me feels like it's my fault. We all make mistakes and I understand that. And I know I'm no different and I didn't physically make him or tell him to do the things he is doing now. But it's still a struggle to accept that, to not want to protect him, to not want to help him 'get better'. My brother has an upcoming court date in which he could face up to a year in jail. It's hard for both my family and myself  to not 'help' him. My brother has been straying far from the path he should be on for the past two years. My mom was really hoping this would be a wake up call for him, to make him get back on the 'path' he should be on, or at least on a better path. But instead that hasn't happened, in fact I don't think it's done anything. He hasn't even tried to get a lawyer or a public defender to say the least. Instead he spends his time doing who knows what, and avoiding me. He hasn't talked to me since I left, he's only answered a handful of text messages but nothing significant. I feel horrible for my parents for having to deal with this and having to remain 'strong' and not cave in to help and baby him. I don't know what happened to my brother, he isn't the same person he was 3 or 5 years ago. I want me real brother back, the one who cared about his life and his family. Instead he is throwing it all away, I don't want my brother to go to jail but it isn't looking like he cares. Sadly, I get to come up with an excuse to tell my family and my future in-laws about why my brother won't be at my wedding. It's a hard pill to swallow, to know my brother is going to a horrible place where he shouldn't be. I guess part of me just really wants my old brother back, the one I remember, not the one who is hanging around now.

It's hard to accept things you can not change, to walk away from it, to let consequences for others actions take place. To just back.. and let life happen, to let it play out. So that's what I'm struggling with.. his court date is this week, so I just pray he wakes up and realizes what is going on and gets things straightened out in time. But if not, I pray that he just has the strength to straighten his life out - no matter the circumstances.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I failed at figuring out how to do big curls this past weekend, failed so horribly I didn't even get the curlers or touch my curling iron. Instead, Friday we went grocery shopping and Saturday we went to look at the Yacht Club on base and had no luck - it looked super yucky on the inside. We ended up having a lazier day and went and got hot wings later, I found an awesome pair of cowboy boots and got them, and then went to the Officers Club later on that night. I was shocked by the inside to be quite honest. I mean the outside screams military building and bomb shelter. But the inside is actually really pretty, and the view is gorgeous. Sunday was an early day, we went to a Latin mass at a small church we've been considering being married in. Then we went and did a bit of shopping and swung back into the Winterbourne for another meeting. Came to the conclusion after many, many answered questions that we love it and it's perfect for us. So we decided on our venue and I dropped off the deposit and signed contract today - so officially it's ours!

Today I also meet with another photographer who I love!! I'm so so excited to have them shoot the wedding. Hopefully as long as they are still open for my weekend I will be dropping off another signed contract and deposit here soon! So major progress on the wedding front. Almost done finding vendors, just need a DJ, a cake, and a hair and a make up artist now. I think.

Now.. on the emotional front. I'm struggling with missing home. Yesterday evening I was missing home a little bit. I wake up and then tonight I'm missing home a TON! I literally was crying while walking the dog. Erik went out with friends tonight, which I really don't care about. I chose to stay in because I'm not exactly feeling well thanks to Aunt Flo. But, it just really hit me tonight how much I miss home. How I feel alone here. I've meet a few girls, sure. I've shared a few laughs, but really overall, I haven't made friends yet. It's that loneliness that diggs at me. Not having a friend to sit on the couch and watch a movie with. Someone to turn to when Erik is annoying me, or when I want my mom. I'm just trying to learn how to handle this and cope with this the best I can.

Friday, August 12, 2011

To pack a backpack or not...

So I've been doing some thinking about school. I'm not sure if I am ready to go back. I know what your thinking, as well as everyone else, 'once you stop, you don't go back'. Not a hundred percent true, but I can see how it gets there. I need to actually sit down and meet with an advisor, I might go later on today or early Monday morning. (love having my jeep, so now I can actually do things I want to do, when I want to do them!) just to see where I am at, and what I need to do to graduate. I want my diploma, whether it's simply just an associates in general studies or whatever it's called, I want that piece of paper. I've worked my ass off so far, and I don't want to quit. But I think once I'm done with my associates, I'm going to be done for a little while. I don't know what it is that I want to do. For me that's a tough place to be, tough thing to come to terms with. I love my job, truly, but I don't know if it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I plan on working with the company I am at for a long time, because I really do enjoy what I do, who knows what I will think in a year - maybe I will go back and get my degree in business and continue on with my job and turn it into a career. There is no telling what the future will hold. There is no telling where we will be living 6 years from now - that's just part of this Navy life. And that's okay.

In reality, I'm only twenty-two. Twenty - two years young, but yet most days I feel like I'm at least thirty. I almost feel hypocritical when I tell (give advice.. same thing) someone they should really finish school first before marrying and what have you. But everyone seems to know what it is they want to do for a living, or a career. If you know what it is that you want to do, I say go for it and don't stop till you get there. But... in my case. I don't know. And that's okay. Regardless that everyone else from high school I know has graduated college, and are in their first post college job in the career of their choosing. It kind of stings that I'm not. For the most part, I knew what I wanted to do since I was young. It was always being a vet, and then a physical therapist. Now.. I don't know. I debate a lot about becoming a teacher, but I don't think I have the patience for that. But we'll see. I don't think you have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is a little scary for me to think about that though.. that's a really long time!

I'm sure I'll figure it out, one day. But for right now, I think I am just going to enjoy where life takes me. Whether that means college now, or next semester. It'll happen when it's meant to.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Big Curls

Happy Post time! I know most of you are thinking, 'It's about Flipping time!!" and it is! But I have found this new acceptance of being okay with doing things, well my way. And by my way I mean slightly backwards. And you know what, that's okay. So what if I do things backwards? So what if I book my florist before I book my reception venue. So what if I am terrified about signing a photographer! Who cares?! I don't. As long as it gets done, that is all that matters in the end!

I found my wedding favor jars today, and proceeded to order them. Not only did I order them, I also saved $42 by ordering 8 more! Seriously, I'll find something cute to do with the extra 8. So that made my day. It's the little things, I promise.

Erik and I got into the dumbest argument ever this morning. I was in a craptastic mood, and well he wasn't any different. And well we got into it, about him snapping at me. No, I do not mean being short, I mean the actual snap like snapping your fingers. It was the way he did it and frankly it threw me over the edge. So we are literally fighting over this. He pissed me off even more when he made a smart ass remark saying 'I can't wait for a lifetime of this!' so I get even more pissed and as we are fighting I just busted out laughing uncontrollably. Literally. Just couldn't stop laughing. I mean seriously fighting over snapping fingers! What the hell?! Dumbest argument ever. Just proves to show you can fight over dumb things.
SN: Erik makes these horribly mean remarks like above during arguments and then feels bad, apologizes and thinks it makes it all better. It doesn't. Definitely something I am working on with him about. He knows it's wrong, so hopefully we can continue to work on it and get him to stop doing that.

Now, you might ask what the title is in reference to! It's my hair ladies! I want to learn how to do big southern curls in my hair. I'm on the hunt for big curlers to put in my hair. Now.. being blessed with curly hair doesn't always mean it's pretty curls all the time. And for me, it also means that I have no clue how to use a curling iron (pretty bad huh?!) So that's my goal for this week(end), well besides finding and deciding on our reception venue. Erik is working late tonight, so hopefully I can look more into cakes, dj's, and find some honkin curlers! And play with my hair, and well puppy dog too!

Not to mention... tonight is T-Shirt Time!!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Something white.

Wow. It's been a while. There's a lot of frustrations on my mind currently. None of them surprisingly having to do with Erik's family and only one of them wedding related. First I'll get to the good news tho! My wonderful mommy took a day off of work to drive my Jeep down - so I'm mobile again! And spent the weekend with us and we got to do some wedding things! Friday we just relaxed and talked and she got to see our home for the first time. Saturday we went wedding dress shopping and I found my beautiful wedding dress and ordered it! It should be here sometime in mid December!! I did tear up, but it wasn't like the wedding shows, such as Say yes to the Dress portray it to be, for me at least. I went to a wonderful little boutique and the lady (also owner) knew my budget and kept with it and only does one appointment at a time, so you have the whole store to yourself!! It was a much better appointment then the one I had earlier that morning - well just say 3 brides, and 7 bridesmaids who all belonged to the same bride do not mix well together! -  but it was perfect, it was just my mom and I and I loved it! Secondly, I booked my florist today! Another wonderful lady who is going to do exactly what I want! I'm really, really excited about both accomplishments.

I'm totally in a crafty, excited mood lately - well for the most part. So I'm heading out to JoAnn's Fabrics today to get some ribbon for the wedding. I've been leaning into making our own 'Save the Date' rather than ordering them. Invitations, yes I will order those, but I have a totally cute idea for the 'Save the Date'. So.. we'll see how that goes. I'm also planning on doing my own centerpieces, partially. It's this cute simplistic idea. I'll post pictures of it some time relatively soon, hopefully. But that's probably going to be all the DIY I do for the wedding. I might order our programs from vistaprint, and tie my own ribbon on them, but we'll see.

Now maybe my frustrations aren't fully warranted. Total possibility. I mean there are plenty of times where feelings are completely off the wall but I'm a girl and I am entitled to that. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of people complaining about random total bull hockeyness. And it really, has just gotten to me I guess. How consumed people are with themselves, how much of a pitty party people want to be thrown for them. I may complain on here, but this is my outlet, I don't go on facebook posting 'poor poor me'. I write out my feelings and feel better about it. I try to stay positive about a lot of things, even if it doesn't seem like it. I try to think about the positives in every situation and hope for the best. To me there is no sense in thinking the worst, you get yourself so worked up about everything and stress yourself out. Then you get sick because your stressed out. Not worth it. But I will say I get tired, of seeing people complaining about who knows what, things can always be worse. Always. Someone always has it worse than you do, no matter the situation. I don't know, I'm sure I am probably being a sour puss and over reacting about some of the things I've seen on facebook. Whatever. I'm just tired of a lot of people playing the 'I have it worse' game, or the 'Poor, poor me' or the 'throw myself a pitty party' game, or the most annoying on, 'I'm always the victim'. There are always those people, and I just really need to get better about ignoring it.

Now, for my wedding related frustration. I'm having a hell of a time deciding on a wedding reception venue. I don't want to spend a butt ton of money, like most places here charge, but I don't want people to be like 'well, she was obviously on a budget' I just can't forsee spending a ton of money on some food and maybe drinks for four hours. Maybe that's just being too frugal, but I can't. So it's been rather frustrating lately to say the least. Not to mention, to actually find a place that I love. But I'm sure it will work out. So fingers crossed, it works out soon, because I'm getting a little stressed out over it all.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Two posts in one day, on the same topic. Sorry. But I need to vent, I need to get everything off of my chest. I'm tired of feeling like I am putting everyone between a rock and a hard place, like I have caused the biggest ordeal since the last dumb thing Obama said.

Maybe, I am just an emotional wreck, or a drama queen, or whatever. Maybe it's because I feel alone here lately. Maybe it's because I've never really been so involved with planning a wedding. But I feel like I am expected to just quietly take care of all of this on my own. I thought this was supposed to be a fun, big, thing to do. You only get married once, well... most people only get married once. That's another topic for another day. I thought everything is supposed to be full of fun, picking out flowers, picking out colors, cake designs, dj's, reception things. But it's been far from fun - in fact it's been the most stressful thing ever. Well almost ever. I feel like everyone is judging me. I have no clue what I am doing here, I feel like I am being fed to the sharks and everyone is watching, pointing, and laughing at me struggle. Maybe it's not what's really happening, but who knows. That's just how I feel. I feel like no one cares, and no one wants to help. Obviously I don't have friends who can or want to help. It's just me, completely alone on this.

Maybe I just don't get it, or maybe my expectations about this time in my life were totally different. Maybe it's all of those movies and TV shows that portray wedding planning as being a lot of fun, or portray the bride in the store with all of her closest friends and future mother in law and her mother. Instead I sit here and watch those shows and feel bad for myself because I don't and won't have that. I guess maybe what I am feeling is a huge let down, and jealously towards everyone who has that experience.

I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties, and realize that life isn't fair towards everyone and not one person gets nor wants everything they dream and wish and want. I need to be happy that I have an amazing fiance who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, and that wants to help in this whole experience all he can. I should be happy that I finally have chosen bridal colors, that I finally have an idea in my head of how it all will work, that we have a church booked. And that we will have decided on a reception venue here soon. After that, everything else will fall into place. I just really, really need to work on focusing on the good rather than the bad. I need to stop being my own debbie downer.

I've noticed, when your in a bad mood (or at least me) I get really tired, really fast. It's only the mid afternoon and I could curl up in bed and sleep the night away. Instead, I've got a ton of cleaning to get done. I always a big clean freak, but even more so now since my mom will be in town Friday afternoon. It's really important to me that she sees our home for the first time clean and pretty. Overall, it's pretty clean for the most part. But I do need to go over the carpets with the steam vac, and steam mop the tile. Our bathroom needs to be cleaned as well.

I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back from my thyroid doctor yet in regards to lab work that I had done about a week ago now. I was hoping that in the civilian world, I would hear back just as fast as I had been hearing back from my old Navy endocrine. Nothing yet. He was also doing some testing for other autoimmune diseases. When you have one autoimmune disease, where your body is attacking itself, your at risk to develop others as well. Just the nature of the beast I guess. So I'm waiting to hear back about those as well.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I got all of that off of my chest, sometimes it's just easier to vent it all out and write it down. It helps, at least it does help me. I can't keep things built up, or else I'll explode and nine times out of ten I explode on the wrong person.


So last night I came to the realization that I've been pretty thinking in a pretty naive fashion lately when it comes to the wedding, and my in-laws. Truthfully, I've been a little hurt by the fact that I'm the only one that is excited about our wedding, well aside from my mom. I get that it's dumb for me to think that others are going to be just as excited as I am. I guess I thought that maybe Erik's family would want more to do with it, or would be just as excited. But.. I wasn't exactly thinking in my normal fashion - clearly. I guess I thought that knowing I am going to be a permanent part of their family that I would some how become closer with them. But honestly, I can't expect that to be true. We live so far away, that it really just isn't something that is going to happen, unless we get stationed closer, and quite honestly it's the Navy - Kentucky isn't exactly near the ocean. I don't know, I really feel let down, like I built these expectations that I would 'gain' three sisters, and I will, but I don't think it will be the relationship that I am thinking it is going to be. And that isn't any one's fault. It's just an unfortunate truth. It's hard to create close relationships with others when you live 800+ miles away.

On another note I am really annoyed with anything wedding related, again. I know it's old. But I'm just to the point of not wanting to have one. What's the point in spending all that money, when in fact no one is going to come. What's the point in buying a pretty dress when maybe 20 people will see it. It's so flipping frustrating. And truth be told I am just over it. I'm tired of feeling like our wedding doesn't count, and that our wedding isn't going to be pretty or as in detail as others are. I'm just annoyed and frustrated and sick of it. Why have a wedding when the people who are there don't want to be there? Excuse my pitty party, I'm frustrated and woke up in a bad mood and can't exactly talk to Erik about any of this.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Military Wife Rant

So I'm probably going to get some shit (excuse my french) for saying this, especially from those involved in the military community, but you know what I really don't care. Here it goes...
I'm rather tired of reading facebook status' saying; "Civilian girls have no clue what it's like to miss their husband, try walking a mile in a military wife's shoes" or "What is 3 weeks compared to 6 months" or "Don't complain about missing him until he's deployed for x amount of time" or the whole poor, poor military, "We moved and these passes won't transfer from park to park". But here is what I have to say about all of it.

First and foremost, when you love someone and they aren't there with you, whether it's a few days for a business trip or a few weeks for an underway, or a few months for a deployment. You miss them. It doesn't matter if they are at work for 12 hours a day, they aren't with you, and you miss them. It's just a fact of life. Everyone misses their loved one, and every one is entitled to miss their loved one. Civilian or military. Your husband signed up to deploy. End of freakin' story. My future husband signed up to deploy. Does that make us miss them any less, no it doesn't. Does it make us miss them so much it hurts? Yes. But here is the kicker. We knew this would happen, we expected it, we go through it because we love them. Now by no means am I saying that no one has the right to miss them, I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is, don't be mad when you hear your friend saying that they miss their own husband when he has to go on a business trip for a week. Don't. She loves her husband as much as you love yours. So you can't be mad at her for missing him. Does she miss him for as long as you are going to miss your husband, no. But that's just life. Life isn't equally fair, but that's what is beautiful about it. I'm so sick and tired of people telling people that they aren't justified to miss their loved ones. Everyone is justified to their own feelings, opinions, thoughts, and emotions. When you tell someone they can't miss someone or they don't have a right to feel the way they feel, you turn into a bully.

Secondly, I read an article about a military wife, emailing Six Flag's because she was upset her parking pass that she paid for wouldn't transfer to another Six Flag's park when they PCS (move to another duty station). Okay firstly, let me just state this. Most of the time, I'll say 9 times out of 10 you have a pretty good idea of when you are going to move, and you know where you're going to move at least 3-9 months before you do. So common sense pretty much prevails with this one, who the hell purchases a parking pass for a whole year at a park that they know they won't be coming back to over and over again for the whole year. On top of that. Companies have policies in place for a reason. It's not to belittle military families, nor to punish them. But it's to create a fair and equal environment. To stop discrimination from occurring. To prevent people from being charged different rates, to allow everyone to participate. So just because a company won't allow you to use a parking pass you purchased in let's say Chicago, in San Diego it's because there is a policy against it. They're might be a universal parking pass you can purchase to use at ALL parks, but if it's purchased in Chicago to use at Chicago, then of course you can't use it in San Diego. They're are policies in place that prevents this, more than likely to save you money. If they made everyone buy a parking pass to use at every park than I can assure you it would cost a ton of money, so why not just have a parking pass to use at one park. There are policies there to benefit you, the customer, and to prevent discrimination on the companies behalf as well as to protect the company. That's all, it's not because your a military family, it's not because they want to screw you over, it's for the benefit of everyone. Simple as that.

It gets so frustrating when I see and hear people pulling the "woe is me, poor poor us suffering because we are military family" when it really isn't the case at all. Everyone has it hard, everyone has their struggles. Some have more struggles than others, some struggle differently than others, and some complain about those struggles more than others do. It just chaps my ass sometimes when there are families who have to have the breadwinner working 4 hours away to make money for their family, and then there is a military wife saying "Well at least it's only 4 hours away, mine is 6,000 miles away!". In fact it pisses me off. Maybe it's because I can see it now, where I'm not dealing with a deployment, but have the knowledge of two under my belt. But it's wrong. It's so very wrong. That's being a bully, telling one wife she can't miss her husband just because he isn't being shot at, or isn't floating on a ship working 17 hour shifts. Like I said, our husbands (fiance's or boyfriends) choose this life, they enlisted, no one made them. Does it suck at times, hell yes. Are there rewards? You bet.

But in the end, it is wrong to tell another woman she is not entitled to miss her husband because they aren't in the same situation that military wives are in. Military wives claim that we are held to a higher level than others, that we are supposed to be role models, that we are supposed to support and help one another out. But in reality, that couldn't be further from the truth! In reality, most (not all) military wives sit on Facebook, telling other people how to act, what to do, and bullying others around. Instead of supporting one another, they are too busy playing the rank game, creating drama, and calling each other names. It's pathetic, and couldn't feel more like high school. I've never understood why women feel the need to belittle others, and create drama when there are more important things to be concerned about and frankly I never will. Nothing is all sunshine and daisies like the show Army Wives portrays. In fact, it couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, it's more like a 'Real Housewives' show on Bravo.

Women need to grow up, and mature. Realize what is important, and what is not. They also need to stop being bully's. Stop with the freaking facebook, stop with the 'woe is me', stop telling others they aren't entitled to feel the way they feel. Stop putting yourself on a pedestal and realize, your just like everyone else. Civilians don't care about rank, instead they base their friends on morals, on who is going to be there when they are having a bad day, who can step in when an emergency occurs. Maybe military wives can take a note from their book, realize there is more to life than the military, than pulling the rank card, pulling the branch card, pulling whatever card is going to 'one up' another person.

That's the end of my rant for the day. Happy Monday.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Poor poor pitful me

So I'm feeling a little homesick. I've been really looking forward to having a weekend of just it being Erik and I here at the house. It's a duty weekend, meaning Erik has to work today, Saturday, and I'm at home with the dog. This never bothers me, not ever. I don't mind alone time, time to watch drama tv, time to myself, time to think. But as I'm sitting here watching 'Say yes to the Dress' on TLC, and looking around on theknot.com I can't help but feel completely alone, and I can't help but want a pity party.

I know, I get it, this is the military life welcome to it in full swing. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit! I HATE when people tell me that, no freaking shit people. I'm not new to it by any means, I've dealt with Erik being away for a total of 18 months, suck it. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make me not miss my family, it doesn't make me not wish that there were some sort of family near by to do wedding stuff with. I haven't really made any friends here, not yet at least. No one that I can call crying, needing a girls night filled with ice cream and girly movies. I get it, poor poor pitful me. Whatever. If I want to be upset that I don't have many friends thanks to the military life, than damn it I will be. I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel.

Maybe I whine too much, or maybe I'm too hot and cold. I don't always give those of you who actually read this, a real view of my actual life, I really just use this as an outlet, to get thoughts, emotions, feelings out without hurting anyone in the process. Believe it or not, I really just want to and try to keep and make everyone happy. Rarely do I put my needs first. But when I do, I get reemed for it.

I just want to be able to go out at the drop of a dime and do wedding things, or girl things. Where I don't have to plan 3 weeks - 2 months out. I want to be able to enjoy this. Lately, I have been. I'm pretty excited about it all, but in the same breathe. Watching these girls on TV trying on dresses, or reading stuff on theknot.com just makes me jealous. I want that. I don't have many friends anymore because between deployments and moving, it's hard to keep friends. I'd love to have a bigger bridal party, but I don't have the friends for it.

I think I'm in need of some retail therapy. I haven't gone shopping for a bit and I think right about now is a good time to use the "I don't have any fiancee clothes" card. Or the "I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I think your family hates me" card. Both are pretty true.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Marry me..

So I realized today, that I am really getting married. It hasn't been long, since Erik proposed. And quite honestly, it didn't really click at the time of the proposal either. It might of hit me that next morning, but boy did it really hit me today. I've been pretty addicted to theknot.com to be honest. So during my daily fix, this morning I was looking into a vendor's website, when I walked away and came back to the computer it was playing a song (through the vendors website). As I sat and really listened to the song, which was 'Marry Me' by Train (who is one of my favorite bands). I've heard the song before but I never really listened to it. It made me really realize that I get to marry my best friend. It's an amazing feeling.

I never thought our relationship could get better, with just one question. But in reality, it has. We are closer than before, and more open than before. I think it's the fact knowing that we will be with each other for forever. It's the most amazing feeling, knowing that I have found the person I get to spend my life with everyday. I just can't get over how lucky and how head over heels in love I am. And that I know really get that feeling that every love song sings about.

Wedding planning is going good. Still a couple of uncertainties, like wedding colors, that haven't really been nailed out yet. We go and meet with a new priest next week since the military chapel is too disorganized. I am head over heels in love with this church, so hopefully it works. We also have some meetings coming up with vendors for reception venues, and then I need to find vendors for other things and schedule meetings with them. I'm really excited about going wedding dress shopping. I just hope I look good in the style of dress I want. On a brighter note, I have two wonderful ladies in my bridal party. I guess I just really got worked up over nothing.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend, it's our first weekend where we aren't around family, my brother came to town to visit for two weeks and I loved every minute of it! But it'll be nice for it to just be us. I think we might go look for wedding bands and maybe try some on. I'm sure I'll cry, happy tears of course.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Monday, July 18, 2011


Finally, I can be flipping excited about the fact that I'm getting married. While I am so overly frustrated with the base chapel, and they're lack of organization, we got the okay for the date that we want to be married on with his family. And his mom told me to stop worrying about everything. So I am really, really happy. Hopefully we can meet with the priest on Thursday, and he agrees to marry us. But I'm not holding my breathe. I think we are going to do some 'shopping' around for other churches here, I'm not sure yet how I like the parish for the church on base. The priest does a really great job of actually explaining everything to us during mass but it just doesn't feel, comfortable, there so to say. I know, it's pretty hard to understand and explain. But I tried.

I've also decided on one of my colors for the wedding, it will be some shade of purple either a deep shade, or a light shade. I want to base the rest on what the reception venue looks like. I think I want to incorporate some pink but we'll see... Who knows, it could change a week from now - knowing me.

Either way, I'm pretty freaking happy, and very excited! I'm just going to focus on us, and make sure we have the wedding that will make us happy.

On another note, I'm only about 10 pounds away from the wedding day weight I want to be. I'm finally pretty happy with how I look, but I think 10 pounds will be good for me to loose. I've lost plenty of weight since moving down here, and I have faith that I can lose the remaining amount that I want to. By the time I loose what I want, I will actually weigh what I did when I graduated high school. It's actually a healthy weight for me, and I know I won't allow myself to go down the path of self loathing.

But anyways, I'm just really excited now. I can finally look at wedding things without getting sour and I am excited to find a photographer and start booking other things as well. My mom is actually bringing my Jeep down (Thank gooodnesssss!!!!) and will be here to go to a bridal expo with Erik and I on the Sunday she will be here. We are also planning on going and looking at wedding dresses. I really hoped that I would have friends who would be my bridesmaids to go with me, but right now I still don't see that happening. I was also hoping that Erik's mom would be able to go with me as well, but I don't want to have to ask her to take time off. Either way I'm sure it will turn out okay. At least I hope it will.

But I am going to go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having for a change and take our crazy puppy dog on a long walk in my new Easy Tones (lets hope they work!). Here's to a good week!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

One day..

Tomorrow we meet with the priest and I am really hoping that we can walk away from our meeting with some guidance, as well as permission to be married. I've tried very hard, today to not think about anything regarding the wedding since it just seems to put me in a sour mood lately. I've done a pretty good job for the most part.

I just hope, that my relationship with Erik's family can and will be a good one. I want to be able to not have gut wrenching knots, and stomach flip flops everytime I bring up that he needs to call home. I feel like since everything that has happened, that I won't get that. I want to be able to think that I have gained three sisters, and not three girls who hate me, I want to be able to be close with Erik's mom - to be able to call her when he is deployed and talk, to be able to have a second mom, another opinion. Whether or not that is going to happen.. god only knows. I just want them to have Erik's happiness as much of a priority to them as it is to me. I want them to put our happiness as a priority, to think of us, to take a step back and realize that our time together is always limited.

I just want a great relationship with my 'in laws'. And honestly, I'm really scared that won't happen. Not for my sake, but for Erik's.

All I know, is I am drained, and emotionally exhausted. I just want everything to be good again. I want everyone to be happy with us and for us.

Friday, July 15, 2011

VA vs FL vs KY

For those of who, who are still reading this. Bear with me please. I know it's been complaint after complaint. But, I need somewhere to vent this out to, because I know Erik is getting sick of hearing it and I can't just keep this bottled up or I will literally explode.

Part of me wants to have the wedding here, in Florida. It's where we bought our first home, it's our first duty station that we've moved to together. There is a lot of firsts here, and firsts to come. Part of me wants to comprimise even more and have the wedding in Kentucky that way things are easier for Erik's family. People won't have to take as much time off, at least on his side. And they would probably be happier. Part of me also wants to have the wedding in Virginia, where I was raised, where my friends are (at least the friends I have left), and where I know the in's and out's of the place.

I'm pretty much at a lost as to what to do anymore. I want everyone to be happy, but I can't loose my happiness in the process of it all. I want to be able to be excited, to be able to go and do all the girly things that you're entitled to do when you get married. But how can I be excited about doing that alone?

I don't know anymore, I feel so lost when it comes to all this, and outside of Erik so very alone. I feel attacked when people suggest things, I feel attacked when I'm asked why this and why that. Not sure why, but I do. I feel like I can't make one solid decision without having to weigh everyone elses feelings. I feel like I am getting ready to drown in the ocean, like I can't keep my head above water.

I'm really just at a lost as to what to do. Part of me wants to fight with every ounce of my being for what I want, and I just don't give a damn anymore what anyone else thinks or if anyone even comes to our wedding for that matter. And then the other part of me just wants everyone to be happy, to make everyone happy. And then, I just want to scream. I feel like everything is being dictated to me about what I can't do. You can't use these colors, you can't get married in this month, you can't have bridesmaids - beacuse no one wants to be one - you can't do x, y, and z. Oh.... my lanta. How am I supposed to enjoy this, when I am wallowing, and throwing a pity party and just want to scream.

I know I need to wake up, to smell the flipping roses, to get over myself, and to let it all go. But I can't... or I don't know how. I just don't know how to get past the hurt, thats been caused in the past two weeks.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Two steps forward, 5 Steps backward.

Well this morning we have our meeting with the priest, at the church on base. Honestly, I have a stupid fear of actually holding a conversation with a priest, because I don't want to say anything wrong. But this morning, I am really looking forward to it. I am hoping he will give us the answers we want, as well as some great direction and guidance. Edit: Unfortunately, the priest was not feeling well this morning and had to go into the emergency room, we should be hearing back on when we can meet with him tonight or tomorrow.
I have actually found a couple different venues in Jacksonville that look like they will fit into our budget. I'm pretty excited about that, because for a little while it wasn't looking so great. I even found this church downtown that is absolutely breathtaking. It's an older church, and looks small on the inside (which is what we would ideally like). But it's gorgeous. I even found a photographer, whose pictures I absolutely adored online. He's a little out of my price range, but we'll see how it goes.

On another note, there are quite a few options when it comes to location of our wedding, and location kind of chooses the time frame. If we were to do it in Florida, it would either be November or end of February or beginning of March, if we choose Virginia Beach - it would be September (too soon) or May (too close to his sisters) and if we choose Kentucky - it would be June. At least the way I am thinking. Heck - we have even tossed around the idea of having a destination wedding. I just want everyone happy, I want people to look forward to coming to our wedding and sharing our special day with us. I want people there to share that day with, friends and family alike. Whether or not that happens, is out of my control. No matter the day, the time, or any of the thousands of options that need to be chosen and decided on, there will be someone who isn't happy. I need to come to terms with that, and focus on Erik and I. Sadly, I don't think I will be having a bridal party - because unfortunately, although I am willing to buy the dresses, travel is expensive. And honestly, I don't have many friends. I can't expect the ones I do have to pay the travel costs to come be in my wedding, nor can I expect them to drop everything. As much as I realize this, and understand this, it kind of makes me feel more lonely, and sad. That there won't be anyone, standing with me on my special day. I won't be able to have a bridal shower, nor a bachlorette party. And although they aren't required, I want that. I want to look at lingerie and talk about marriage with other girls, and have silly games, or whatever it is that happens at a Bridal Shower. I want to go out and get tipsy topsy and have fun. I want to enjoy being a bride to be.

When did things become so complicated? When did it become too much to ask for others to be happy for me and for us? When did it become too hard for friendships to last, and for people to make sure they remained there for the other person, through thick and thin. Why can't I pick out things, and makes choices on our wedding without having to worry about the other choices someone else has made. I don't have the answers, nor will I ever. Whoever said this is the happiest time in your life, lied, because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I feel like I take two steps forward, and start to get a little bit of excitement back, and then I take five steps backwards and can't stop crying.

Monday, July 11, 2011


Things have been crazy this past week. Honestly, crazy. It's hard to believe it's only been a week since Erik has asked me to marry him. Anyone else would probably still be on cloud 9. It's not that I'm not excited about marrying Erik, or that I'm not madly in love with him. Because I am, honestly and truly. It's just that I feel as if my excitement has been stolen, or rather held against me. I feel as if I'm not allowed to be excited.

Erik's sister got engaged in April, and we were extremely happy for her, and still are. She deserves to have a perfect wedding, every girl does. Erik proposed to me on July 4th, and I was really, head over heels excited until I received a phone call, and it didn't seem like she was all that happy about it. So then I became worried, that I in some form or another took something away from her. So come Wednesday, I sent her an email letting her know I didn't want to step on her toes, or in anyway take anything away from her wedding planning experience or anything in general, and I wanted to let her know that her's and her fiancee's wedding was really important to us. I also wanted her to tell me if anything we did upset her so we could change it, or do our best to accommodate, because everyone being happy is really important to me and I want to have a great relationship with Erik's family. Well it backfired when we were asked what days we were thinking about getting married and I threw out a few different months that we had talked about. I always wanted a spring wedding with bright colors and warmth. Well, we really want to be respectful to her wedding. So.. I received a phone call from his other sister, that I am really truly happy I did, because I did upset his sister.
Well, honestly some of the things said upset me. I've been in tears every single day, since. So, Erik and I wanted to compromise so everyone could be happy, and so his parents could be at our wedding. Well.. even our compromise doesn't seem to make anyone happy and I am just at lost as to what to do or say. I honestly, at this point, really truly think they all hate me, or just don't care.

Erik didn't want a long engagement, nor did I. Erik becomes deployable, in just under two and a half years. We want to do and accomplish things in our first year of marriage, and then try to have kids and it is important that he is here when we do have our children, especially our first one. So, as of right now, things would ideally work out for the best. However, if we were to wait for the time when everyone wants us to be married, than he would have a year left. Wouldn't work for us. When it comes to the military you have to plan everythinggggggg. So, why are we asked to hold off/postpone/ or hurry our wedding up?

I'm just overwhelmed about everything that needs to be done if we are going to get married when we are thinking. I feel like I can't share anything with anyone. I want my mom here, she is supposed to be the one helping me, going to bridal expo's with me, going to visit venue's with Erik and I, going to see the churches with us. But she is 750 miles away. I have to figure out where to go wedding dress shopping at, there or here. I'm homesick. I want my mom. And now, even the two people I asked to be in my bridal party, probably won't be. I understand it is a lot to ask, a LOT, to ask. I do. We are so far away from my friends and family, and travel is expensive. But really.. I feel so alone. Erik is the sweetest most caring person, and has volunteered to go to the bridal expo's with me. But he shouldn't have to. My friends should be, my bridal party, my mom. But I don't get that. I won't get the bacholorette party, the bridal shower, heck we have to throw our own engagement party which consists of a cookout of Erik's friends and work buddies. No family, no friends of mine.

I'm really not wanting a pity party, but honestly sometimes this military life SUCKS. Yes, I know what I am marrying into, yes I know there are months where he won't be home - we've been there already- yes there will be times where things SUCK the big one, but I love him, and being with him is worth all of that. But, it still doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make feeling so alone, any easier. Nothing does. I just want to be able to enjoy this time, because I'll never get it back. But instead, I feel like I have to ask permission to be happy, I feel like his family hates me that they think I am trying to take something away from his sister. But I'm not, on that same breathe, what about Erik's happiness, what about what he wants? Why should we have to loose and compromise everything he and I want for our wedding to make everyone else happy? Why should we have to adjust our life plans to meet everyone elses needs? Why? Why do we have to realize that travel is so far out of the question for family and friends that we realize, hardly any one will be there or wants to make the effort to be there for our special day.

Day 7... and I'm crying again.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Isn't this supposed to be a happy time?!

So the past few days have been, eventful to say the least. Monday we drove home to Florida, and made it back in at about two in the morning on Tuesday. We are night time drivers, which I like, no traffic in most cases and I love seeing the cities all lit up.

Well the events started Tuesday morning. And I'm really not wanting to get into the details to be honest. Maybe once I am not so upset about everything, once I am over it, things are fixed and I am calmed down. It mainly has to deal with the wedding date, that isn't set in stone yet. Erik's sister is getting married and we are really trying to be respectful of her date, because her wedding is important to us as is her happiness. But our wedding is important to us, and our wants and happiness is as well. It's a lot about compromise, but not forgoing and giving up everything that we want.

Most, everyday ordinary couples don't have to think about what is in store for them in the future. Thinking in a time frame of two years down the road doesn't occur and having a long engagement, longer than a year, is normal. Whelp, you guessed it in the military world, you constantly have to think about the future, and a long engagement (or even courtship) is out of the question. As of today, Erik has just under two and half years before deploying again. Erik and I are the type of couple who like to have a plan for our future. When it comes to moving from a family of two, to a family of three. We'd ideally like to wait a year. It's important to me for Erik to be here for the pregnancy, the birth, and the first year of our child's life. I'm sure it is important to every woman, and man. So if we were to get married when certain people want us to, he would only have a year left on shore duty. If we get married when we are wanting to, we'd have just under two years of shore duty left. Which is a little more doable, and is more time to enjoy being married before worrying about a deployment. We've already spent so much time apart as it is, we deserve to be married when we want to.

It also is upsetting for me that this situation is putting us in a tough spot. While trying to be respectful of others, and compromising for others, we don't want to lose our wants and needs in the process. It's also upsetting that Erik's happiness isn't more important for other's, his happiness is my biggest priority. He means the world to me, and I can't stand to have him unhappy.

Anyways, I'm getting a little too emotional and upset about that subject. I really need to get back to work. Wedding planning is going to be taking a huge toll on me, I think. It's going to be hard to plan everything alone for the most part. All my family is in Virginia, as well as my friends. I haven't made many here. So it's going to be hard to plan everything when I'm completely alone. It's also going to be hard to pick a bridal party, when so many friends have disappeared in the past year and a half. But I'll live, and move on. I just want this to be fun, and enjoyable, and a great time in our life. I don't care if someone takes that away from me, but I won't allow that to be taken from Erik. You can hold your breathe on that.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Proposal!!

So, late very late on July 3rd, early morning of July 4th something very, very special happened. After everyone had left, and Erik's parents were in bed. Erik and I were just relaxing on the couch. I was super exhausted and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep, but Erik was very persistent on relaxing on the couch for a while, so we did. He ended up giving me a foot rub.
But.. it wasn't any ordinary foot rub. As I am trying my hardest to not drift off into wonderland, and as Erik is rubbing my feet, something happens to slip onto my toe. Yes, my toe. So I look down to see what it is and all I see is the biggest smile on Erik's face, and a very beautiful shiny ring on my toe. I, actually thought it wasn't real, and that I was dreaming. So I grab it and just stare at it, wide awake and sitting straight up. And the questions begin, "Erik,... what is this?" No answer.. "Erik, what is this!" No answer.. "Erik, what is this?!?" Finally an answer - "What do you think it is" And I just stared at him (yes, I was in shock!) "Erik, I'm not kidding, what is this!" and all he can say is "Will you" and my response "Will I what?" and then finally.. after about what felt like an hour, which was really like about two minutes, he asks me to marry him. In which I of course said "Yes!". Maybe 15 minutes later, Erik's dad walks into the living room and asks us whats going on. I am wayyyyyyyyy too excited to do anything but giggle. And which made him question what's going on more, and I giggled more and he just gave up and went to bed. His mom came out and hugged us and went to bed. It was nice, though, not having anyone know whats going on. Just having the whole world moving around us, and it just be us. I know, it sounds weird, but I love it. I love having no one, at this very moment know. I'm sure my Dad knows it is going to happen, but no one officially knows right now. And I love it.

Surprisingly, I didn't really cry. I think I was in too much shock to cry, too excited, too happy. I did shed a few tears. Apparently, Erik in the craziness of all his family being there, managed to call my daddy and ask for permission - which means the world to me. A little while later we went to bed and just cuddled, and then the tears came. And this morning the tears came when I realized I wasn't dreaming.

Honestly, I didn't see it coming. I knew something was up, I did. Erik has been acting funny for about two weeks now. Apologizing for everything and anything that I got upset over, being very lovey, acting in a way he hadn't acted in a while. So, I knew something was going on. You always kind of dream, well maybe he will. But I had told myself over and over that I had a better chance of being struck by lighting than Erik purposing. It wasn't the picture perfect movie scene, it wasn't the whole extravagant ordeal, but it was us. It was perfect for us and I love that.

So I just wanted to share the amazing news with everyone, that Erik and I are engaged!! I am so excited, and so very happy. Words can't even describe how I feel.

Edit: So I wrote this yesterday morning, before we had told anyone while I was waiting for Erik to wake up. I had already gotten up to take the dog out and had taken a shower, but I was not about to go out into the family room alone with this beautiful ring on my finger. So after he woke up, we went out and just relaxed until his dad came in and asked where his mom was. His Aunt and Uncle were getting ready to leave his grandparents house. I got all giggly again when Erik said, "Hey Mom, Anne has something to show you." Neither of us said a word and just showed her the ring, it took a second but she gave me the biggest hug and started to cry. -That meant the world to me, knowing that they were really happy for us. And we told her how it happened and his dad and everything. His mom sent the text to his sisters, and apparently on Sunday two of his sisters asked Erik when he was planning on proposing, they didn't have a clue it'd be super late that night, early morning of our third anniversary. I found that pretty funny. We walked over and told his grandparents and they seemed really happy as well.

So here are two pictures, the only ones I have right now. I'll try to get Erik to take a picture with me later on today :) I'm just too excited and happy for words right now.

Monday, July 4, 2011

4th of July in Kentucky

As most of you know, we decided we would spend fourth of July weekend in Kentucky with Erik's family. His family was having a family get together/reunion and it was really important to his grandma that he was there. In case most of you don't know, July 4th is also Erik's and my anniversary and this year is the first year he was actually here for it. Words can never describe how happy I am and how grateful I am to have him home. We haven't been able to spend an anniversary/fourth of July weekend together since we actually started dating thanks to deployments.

Anyhow, we made it to Kentucky 9:30 Friday morning with puppy dog in tow of course! Sleep was not something that she was going to allow to happen after sleeping all night long in the car, and it actually took us over an hour and half to get her to go potty and Erik's mom (thank goodness!) was the one who actually got her to go. Turns out, puppy dog is a shy pottier (and there is nothing wrong with that!) and doesn't like going where other doggies have gone before. So she found her spot in the yard where their dog hadn't gone in a long time and went. Friday was a nice night, we just relaxed and had dinner with Erik's grandparents and his Aunt that he hadn't seen since he was three years old. I love nights like that here, where you can just sit and relax and enjoy each others company. Erik's grandma made this amazing tomato salad with the tomatoes I brought up from our garden (our tomato plant is insane!!). Saturday was a quiet day for the most part, I was able to catch up on some sleep and we really just hung out around here. Relaxed in the pool for a bit and Erik was able to help his dad get some wood together for a bonfire so we could make s'mores. We ended up going to Fort Knox to get some beer and tequila. For those who don't know, alcohol is truly much cheaper on base than off base, especially in Kentucky - it's super expensive here for some unknown reason - plus Erik's county is a moist county and they don't sell alcohol. So we made the trip to Fort Knox and then came back and went to church with his mom, dad, and sister. I really enjoy going to church, especially with Erik's family. My family wasn't big on going to church and I love that they are, so we went. And the best part, afterwards we got to have WHITE CASTLE for dinner!!! I flipping love, love, LOVE White Castle! And we ended up having a bonfire and roasting s'mores later on that night. Sunday was an early day, family started arriving here at about 10 or so. It was really nice meeting everyone, and seeing those that I had meet before again. We, Erik, myself, and his sisters and their significant others, decided that we were going to sneak our alocholic beverages, since they were not allowed. Erik and his sisters boyfriend went to go get beer and took foreverrrrrrr - it was pretty obvious that they were up to something, it always is with Erik, and his dad caught on, and actually did some encouraging on his end :) His sisters and I stuck with vodka and cranberry juice. Eventually after lunch we got in the pool. I think one of my favorite parts of the day was watching Erik throw around his younger cousins. He is so good with kids and really will make an amazing dad, one day in the future.

Later that night we did fireworks before the thunderstorm came in. That was - well... entertaining. Erik and his sister's boyfriend and his other sister's fiancee did a great job putting it together, there were a few duds that scared me half to death. But overall it was great. It was so nice seeing fireworks with Erik and his family. We've never gotten to see fireworks together, it was rained out at the oceanfront back in 2008 and he's been deployed since. So that was another great part of the day. Plus Erik loves doing stuff like that, he is such a pyro.

Overall it was a great weekend. I do have some news for everyone, but I will share that in another post. I do want to say Happy Fourth of July, and Happy Independence Day. I hope everyone can take a moment out of the day to realize that our freedom is not free and that we have the rights and freedoms that we do have thanks to the ultimate sacrifice of many, many military members. Our flag only waves because of them. Please take a moment out of your day to say a prayer for those who have been lost paying the ultimate price, their families who will forever have an empty chair in their home and an empty place in their heart, say a prayer for those who are currently deployed defending our freedom and their families who anxiously await their safe return, and a prayer for our country, in hope that things will turn around and improve, and that those who lead our country can lead us in the right direction.

Happy Independence Day everyone, let freedom ring. :)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Change of style

Growing up I was a pretty big tomboy for the most part. My mom tried pretty hard to keep me in dresses, that she hand sewed. Which by the way, I wish I had been more grateful for. More times than not, I was found out in the middle of the road with the boys. My neighborhood growing up was full of boys, there wasn't a girl on the block for a while, until an old friend moved in. Even towards middle school and high school. I was found in jeans and a t-shirt, or shorts. I mainly stuck with flip flops. I didn't really have a girly style, I wore eye makeup but that was about it.

Lately,  I find that changing quite a lot. I mean I've noticed it for a while, it wasn't really an over night transformation. But my style is changing and that's for sure. I find myself enjoying dresses, big poofy hair (the bigger the poof - and no I'm not talking Snooki poof - the southern poof - the better). The bigger my curls, my eyelashes the better. I'm not really all that talented in the hair section. I admit it, heck I can't even work a curling iron properly! But there is no doubt I am becoming more of a girly girl than I ever was before. Clothing wise, my style has changed a lot, I'd say. I love wearing summer dresses, they're just so light and airy (which is perfect for the florida weather) and not to mention just perfectly classy for every type of occasion. Just little things I am noticing about my clothing styles. I'm not just into the girly, country, floral type of clothing, but the rocker type of clothing too. I think my style is going to be changing for a while, but I love having a billion things to choose from and I can't wait to get my closet filled! I'm sure Erik will be thrilled about this expensive new goal.

I wrote the other day about my growing interest in photography. I by no means think I should be a photographer. It's just something I enjoy doing, a hobby. Is it a hobby I plan to invest my time into? Honestly, I am really thinking about it. I deserve and I should do something that interests me. Now, I that does not mean I am hoping onto this 'military wife photographer' bandwagon. Yes, you read that correctly. It's something that maybe I was blind to before, but I have for sure noticed a growing trend in this department. Just because you enjoy taking pictures, doesn't mean you should be a photographer or you shouldn't be. Just because you took a few good pictures, doesn't make you a photographer. To me photography is an art, in a different form than a painting. It requires time, effort, skill, and education. It seems to me as if people don't understand that there is an actual education part to photography. Yeah, there is a big portion that requires you to have some sort of 'feel' for what works. But I think it's important to educate yourself as well. Learn the shots that compliment different figured people, lighting and things of that nature. So now I'm in the hunt for a nice camera. Nothing too fancy, but not your everyday point and shoot camera either. Any suggestions??

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Busy Bee!

WOW! Okay, so things have been incredibly busy for me lately. Much more so than what I am used to. So I do apologize for not writing lately, that is if there is anyone keeping up with this thing. I know, I know, so much doubt. But whatever, just saying I don't expect anyone to really keep up with this, but if you do - well thanks :) and I am pretty flattered.

So lets see... where did things get busy?! I used to like being really, really busy but that was during deployments and that was when I wanted time to hurry up and fly by so my honey would be home. But now he is home, and I just want things to slowwww down. Pretty ironic huh? Maybe it's because he is home, or maybe it's because I just want to start enjoying life, rather than just living it or 'getting through it'. But anyways.. back to what's been going on.

My trip to chicago was last week. My first trip away, by myself - well travel wise - and first time away from our puppy dog, and my first ever flight! A lot of firsts, including chicago! So, Monday morning we left to head to the airport, and sure enough I cried the whole way (I know! Spare me the whole, are you kidding me thing - it was more or less I thought I was going to die on the plane ride than actually missing Erik - I know total drama queen moment) So I hopped on a plane, had a layover in Charlotte, NC and then landed in Chicago. I took my first taxi cab ride by myself, second taxi cab ride ever by the way, so that was interesting but the first night we stayed at the Westin across the street from the building that our office is in. We (myself, my boss, my second dad - Tom, Chris and Olga - other coworkers) went into the office and I finally was able to meet my other coworkers. After work we went back to the hotel and hit Wrigley-ville for dinner with a coworker. I got to see Wrigleyfield and we ate at Goose Island which is a micro-brewery and had some really good food. I made it my point to get a T-Shirt from every where we went out to eat at - I'm pretty happy I did, you can never have too many t-shirts. We ended up going to a beer garden up there after we walked around after dinner, and just sort of relaxed. Tuesday we worked in the office checked out of the hotel and headed up to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin where the company golf tournament was held at on Wednesday. I was actually born in Kenosha, which was like 30 minutes away, so it was really nice seeing what the place looked like But anyways, Lake Geneva was pretty - it was on a lake (go figure, right?) and it was a very small, cute, little town. Little shops lined the streets and was just all around adorable. I bought a really cute dress there, and another t-shirt at the microbrewery that we ate at. Wednesday was the golf tournament, which for the most part was rained out, and then we drove back to Chicago. Wednesday was our last night in Chicago and was back at the Westin for me, we went to a really awesome restaurant - Harry Caray's (yes the famous baseball announcer - best known for 'Holy Cow!') I had the best chicken I ever had before. I, yes, got two tshirts, and even saw the Weinermobile!! Thursday was a partial day in the office and then the flight back home. I really didn't get to talk to any one on the plane, except for my very last flight. But that was my trip pretty much in a nut shell, I'll post pictures at the end of my post.

Things, overall have been good. I've for the most part have been focusing on work, and the house, and of course our growing five month old puppy dog. Erik's been busy lately. He purchased a bike, which requires a little bit of work (according to him) and that's been pretty time consuming. I've had a lot of time to do some thinking, since I am mainly alone all the time. It gets old and annoying and pretty lonely sometimes. But overall I like it. I like it when Erik is home, even though he has been driving me insane lately. I have been trying to figure out just what I want to do, long term career wise. I still am pretty unsure, I've been thinking about becoming a teacher a lot more lately, but something else has popped into my mind - photography. Now is it something that I am going to pursue career wise? No. Definitely not. Is it something that I am probably going to take classes in to fill up my electives - yeah, definitely. I've always loved pictures, taking pictures, hanging pictures, but now it's really starting to become more of an interest. So, well see where that goes.

I still need to finish getting the house together. The final bedroom needs to be completed and our master bedroom does as well. We are planning on doing an accent wall in the living room, as well as the master and painting the master bath. Just trying to figure out how exactly I want to do it. Erik doesn't really care what I do with the house, I try to keep everything pretty gender neutral, nothing too girly and nothing too manly either.

I'm trying to come to terms with the whole fact that happiness is not a destination, but it's an emotion. I need to realize that I am going to have bad days and good days, days that I am sad, days where I am lonely, days where I love everything about my life, and days that I am just 'okay'. Overall, I am really happy here, I love my life and where I am at in life. I never would of imagined that I would be living so far away from my family, or that I would be with a man who is in the military. But I am and I love how much I have grown, and I love Erik.

This weekend is going to be insanely busy, again. We are headed back to Kentucky for his family get together, and will be driving home on our three year anniversary, July 4th. Jade will be going with us, so I am really hoping things go alright and she does well on the trip. Only time will tell, and hopefully we can find some time this weekend to enjoy each other without being stressed out.

Anyways, I just wanted to give a quick update on how things are, and where things are heading. So I'll close with some pictures and try to post sooner rather than later :) I hope all is well with everyone.

Me in front of the Weinermobile!

Me at the company Golf Tournament

Me and the Holy Cow at Harry Carays!

Me in front of Wrigleyfield!