Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Maybe.. baby?

Erik and I have been discussing when we would ideally like to start our own family. We know we want him home for as much as possible, from pregnancy to birth, to the baby's firsts. It's hard to predict that in the military life, with the Navy it's easy to predict it on a shore duty rotation versus a sea duty rotation. So the decision.. do we want to have children now and have fun when we are more financially stable - let's say mid 40's? Or do we want to have fun now and then have children 6-7 years from now - when I'm 30. Financially speaking we are pretty 'comfortable', we are pretty smart with how money is spent. Well Erik is. It's not that we have a ton of it, but we are smart on what we spend. A little off topic: but it kills me when I hear other people saying "Oh, we can't afford rent that is more than $900 when their BAH is let's say.. a married E5 - $1287." While I am not a person who puts down others, but knowing that Erik is a 'single' E4 and making $300 less a month (in the BAH aspect, a total of $600 less) and we own our own home. Our mortgage is more than our BAH, so when I hear others saying we really can't afford having rent that is still less than their BAH and both parties work and don't have kids, kind of aggravates me!
But back on topic.. We would like to wait for Erik to make rank before we have a baby. Just for the simple fact being that I don't have any benefits at my job. I won't have maternity leave, I will have to take time off unpaid. I don't have any benefits at all. I love my job, just sucks that I don't have the security of having benefits.

But since we've discussed having a baby, the more I think about it, the more scared I get. If that makes sense? I know, I know, I've had a horrible case of baby fever - but that was before the engagement, before our wedding date was set, before anything became 'permanent'. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Don't mistake me, I want a baby - I want to have Erik's baby. But when I walk into Target and hear a child screaming, with a blood red face, or when I go into Chilli's and see a child sitting in a highchair, throwing food around and see the frustration on the child's face - it kind of scares me to be truthful. I guess because it's more real now. I know that probably doesn't make any sense. But that's whats going on in my brain. Everytime I bring it up with Erik, he is just 'la de da' about it. I think maybe, it's because it won't really be real to him until I'm having a baby or had a baby. But I ask him if he is scared and he isn't. He is so relaxed about it. Maybe, I will be more at peace with this in a few months, or closer to the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I do want a baby, I think it just scares me a little that it could potentially be sooner than I thought. My brain is a jumbled mess lately.. but what else is new!

Hopefully I can get a good nights rest tonight.. I haven't been able to get much sleep at all lately or haven't really been sleeping well, either way I'm really tired -often. Have a good night and sorry if my jumbled mess doesn't make much sense.

1 comment:

  1. One thing I/we learned in the process of deciding if we wanted to try to have a baby or not, was the if one person had a single doubt that we were not ready. I was ready to start trying as soon as we got married, but it took Ry more time to come around. I realized how much I wanted it when no part of labor or the pain made me nervous.. even now being 25 weeks I'm not really nervous about the pain. But whatever you guys decide will always work out! I wouldn't stress about it all to terribly! Just remember when/if you do get pregnant you'll be prepared! I honestly never processed that we'd have time to get used to a newborn through teh stages of toddlerhood.. but you do- you have time to get used to treating them the way they need to be treated for attitudes and stuff. You'll be a wonderful mother and I can't wait to hear when you guys decide to try or get pregnant :-)