Sunday, January 16, 2011

What makes you so much better than me?

Yes, I know I have been a horrible blogger lately. And for that I apologize if anyone is keeping up with my craziness.

I am rather pissed off right now. Why? Well because people always assume that they are better than the next person, that their poop doesn't stink, that they live their life out in roses. Specifically right now, I am more or so directing this towards the military wives who think that because they have a marriage license that they are better than other girlfriends/fiance's. Well truth be told - they aren't. Its people like this who go around with this "I am better than you attitude" and the "wives are forever, girlfriends aren't" way of life that will truly be lonely.

Since when, does a marriage license, a wedding band, and a last name change who you as a person are. It shouldn't. You are no better than the next Jane Doe. Marriage isn't about benefits, and more money, it isn't about status and rank. It's about love, and living your life with the person you can't live it without. It's about remaining who you are and having someone love you for your flaws and all - believe me everyone has them.

It really pisses me off, when someone tells me that my relationship doesn't count, or it doesn't matter because we aren't legally bound to one another. Your right, I could walk away at any freaking minute, but I don't. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to, because I love the person that I am with more than life itself. How many people can say that?! I feel bad for people, I feel bad that they won't ever know a love like I know it, they won't know what its like to wait for months at a time for a single kiss, they won't know what it's like to say goodbye and know not because we are married, but because we love one another that we will wait for each other. I truly feel bad for them. I feel bad that they have to put me down, to have confidence in their marriage. Pretty sad and pathetic.

I am seriously over this military wife lifestyle, I won't be like that, I freaking refuse, I'd rather have someone shoot me than act like that. In a lifestyle where deployments are common, and moving is often - you would figure women would be more friendly, especially knowing she might be the new girl in 3 or so years. But that really isn't the case. Or maybe it is just the dumb girls here, or the dumb girls who like to parade their husbands rank on support groups. I am over it - I as a girlfriend have dealt with more than many married women have. I won't justify it with a ring, or a last name.

Screw that! I am so over people it is ridiculous. I won't tolerate people like that in my life anymore. No way, no how. Life is about living, about loving, about treating others how you want to be treated.

On a happy note - I started doing Hot Yoga again and am feeling a lot better. It really is helping with the cabin fever. My gyn appointment is fastly approaching and I am really going into it with a positive attitude, and am hoping that its something that is simple. I am making an appointment to get my migraines under better control. I also found out some great information about my health insurance. So things are getting better. Oh and we start packing soon! Turning in our orders to this horrible apartment complex tomorrow!

I will try really hard to get better about blogging and try to post happier things - but I will always come here to air it out. Also, I will try really hard to catch up on this photo challenge.

Thanks for letting me rant!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Positive Note..

Things are going to get better and I know it, they have to right? I think I need to start going things for myself, seriously. I'm starting yoga this weekend, and I am going to start going to the gym again. I need to get out of this house. I need to pamper myself every once in a while for my own sanity. School is on a major overload until March and then I am going to try and take things a little bit easier with it afterwords. I'm really hoping to be done with it before my birthday - for a little while at least.

So I promised I would do the photo catch up and have a minute to finally breathe. So here we go -

Day Two:

A picture of you and the person your closest with.

-Unfortunately I don't have a picture of myself and my mom or my dad. I don't know why, but my mother hates taking pictures so thats why I don't have one of us.

Day Three:
I love One Tree Hill, shown above. I also love Teen Mom :)

Day Four:
A Picture of your night.
I'll have to get back to you on that one.

Day Five:
A picture of your favorite memory. I'll post two :)

 Homecoming #1 - July 31, 2009
Homecoming #2 - July 28, 2010 

Homecomings will always be my favorite memory, there is something just so special about waiting 6+ months for that single kiss.

And I believe I am caught up now - And I'll be sure to take a picture tonight for Day Four.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I don't know....

I know - I am slacking big time in the Photo Challenge department. It'll come soon, I promise (if theres anyone who keeps up with this).

I haven't been feeling good for a little bit lately. Thursday I ended up getting sick from drinking a bad Starbucks and haven't completely recovered from it. I just feel yucky and sick.

Erik and I drove down to the OBX on Saturday for the night, I knew we needed some time to just talk, to enjoy each other, and honestly to get back to where things were. Things have been so busy and stressful lately and we have a tendency to take it out on each other, not to mention this is the longest period of time we've been with each other so that's new for us - and I think as much as we love spending time with each other, we still need little breaks. I know he is missing his best friend, who moved to Florida, and I know I need/want to spend time with friends I will hardly see anymore. Honestly, I think I might be holding it against him that I won't have my family near him, or my friends. I know I'm pretty scared of being alone down there.

There's just been so much going on with me lately. Erik hasn't been helping, he's been coming home from C-School in a horrible mood. I know he has to vent his day somewhere, and without his good friend being here that means me. Don't get me wrong - I got used to it during deployment - but that was via email - and I could destress. Now - I can't or haven't really found a way. I've been feeling so under appreciated, like yeah he says thank you for dinner or whatever - it just doesn't feel like there is any feeling behind it. Don't get me wrong, when he was gone, I wanted nothing more than to have him here and would do anything for that. But now, were in a different part of our relationship. And I'm having a hard time adjusting to that.

We'll see. Maybe school will help out with it, me being gone during the week, and I definitely am going to take more activities to get out during the day, hot yoga and the gym. I need to do something, tanning always helped before and while granted I can't exactly afford it - I do need something to do besides working and cleaning and school 24/7.

I promise as soon as I get caught up with school work I will make up for all the pictures for the photo challenge that I haven't posted.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Rant!!! Errrr!

Okay - I know I'm behind on the Photo Challenge - I'll make up for it.

I am so overly freaking stressed out and pissed off and frustrated it is insane. I have got to find a freaking health insurance company by November (plenty of time, right?!) but here's the thing. I have to see a Endocrinologist (however the hell you spell it) due to my thyroid disease and now I have to see a special GYN to figure out what the hell is wrong down there. So yeah, I'm freaked the hell out. It's expensive as shit too, have I mentioned that - damn near $200 a month - WITHOUT - co pays. So I'm pretty upset. Our freaking government can hand out all the money it wants to to the shit bag drug dealers, the hookers, and god knows what other bad people and help take care of them. But when it comes to me, a hard working, young person - oh no NEVER! Why?! Because I don't have a child, I'm waiting.. (not that I probably will ever have a child - who the heck knows) till the one day I get married and have a financially stable life. So kill me for not being 24, I make a freaking thousand dollars a month and how the hell am I supposed to live off of that?! Rent with Erik is $490, and then I have my freaking car payment which is $340 and leaving me with a whopping $170 at the end of the month - how the hell is a person supposed to live off of that?!

So I am freaking stressed to the max over that, and then figuring out classes on top of it. And also about the fact that Erik still hasn't freaking popped the question. I know, I know he will when he isn't pressured/stressed, when he has gotten all of his wild oats sewed, his goals accomplished yada freaking yada. It doesn't matter that I have spent 2.5 years of my life with him, that I love him with all my heart all the time, that I didn't play the kick ass girlfriend role, that I don't give him my all. Nope I don't get a ring - and he still expects me to freaking move 600 miles away and give up everything for him! Not that I don't love him or not that I don't want to be with him. But seriously - come on! How freaking hard is it to commit?!

Yes I know, a freaking marriage certificate won't change anything, nor a shiny sparkly ring. But it'd really help my stress levels. Do you know how freaking scary it is to give up everything for a man?! Do you realize how freaking dumb I look to everyone?

I am so tired of it all, so tired of being stressed over money, over life, over family, over everything. So tired. I try so hard to be positive, so hard to make everyone else happy and I get no where.... I'm just tired.

Why can't things be easy for me?! Why do I have to have a thyroid disease, why do I have to deal with the stress of  the possibility of having a fertility issue? Why can't I be the girl with the sparkly ring and promise? Or the girl with true friends instead of those fake girls who say they'll be there and never are?

Okay --- rants over for now, I think. I needed to get that off my chest before I exploded.

Hope everyone else is doing well.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Day One :)

Okay- So I am giving this photo challenge my best.

Day One: A Photo of yourself with 10 facts.

  1. I have a serious obsession with coach purses. :)
  2. I have curly hair, but never really appreciated it until recently.
  3. I'm pretty insecure with the way I look, and always want to lose weight.
  4. I am pretty goofy, silly, and crazy.
  5. Although it goes against blonde code, I do think, think a lot, about the future, life, everything.
  6. I enjoy being alone, at times, I am one of those girls who can road trip it by myself, but hate being stuck home alone.
  7. I'm super opinionated, I have strong beliefs and views.
  8. I don't have a lot of 'true' friends, in fact I can only count them on 1 hand
  9. My left eye is paralyzed slightly, its actually called Dwayne's Retraction Syndrome, it isn't severe like google shows you, it just doesn't move left. It's always been something I've been joked on and embarrassed of, but I'm trying to embrace it. There is no cure so it's easier to embrace than pout all my life.
  10. My birthday is 11.22.88 - it's all doubles, and I don't have one sign (if you believe in such things) I have two - I'm on the cusp of a Scorpio and Sagittarius.
  11. And a bonus - I still have no clue what to do with my life - career wise, I'm scared of failure, and just want those in my life to be happy.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Wow - What a year!

So - 2010 is officially over with. Where oh where did it go?! Time really did fly by this year.

2010 was a year that provided me with a lot of growth, a lot of love, some hard times, some lonely times, some opportunities. Overall it was great, I don't like (as much as it seems I do) resenting and regretting things. Especially something so sweet and important as time. The majority of the year, much like 2009, was spent away from my honey. We started off the year saying goodbye on January 2 and starting kicking our second deployment's butt. Looking back - deployments provided a lot for us, for our relationship, and no I'm not talking about financially. But it provided us a time, to strengthen our relationship, communication, and it allowed us to focus on things we wanted or needed to get done. I was able to focus on school and work mainly, I worked out a lot, I could focus on me, and us. And then on July 28 the most wonderful day of the year - homecoming. That one kiss I waited 207 days for.
2010 allowed me, for the most part, to finally get my thyroid handled and taken care of. Family wise - it was slightly harder than normal for me. It gets hard sometimes accepting the fact that to my mother, sometimes my brothers just do matter more. But that is something I've worked hard to just accept and move past. I've come to understand that friends are really hard to come by, and you can't trust everyone, you can't expect to be treated like you treat someone else by everyone, just only some people.
Overall, 2010 was a good year, I learned a lot about myself, a lot about people, a lot about my relationship.

My hopes for 2011 are high. I'm so excited about being able to spend our first spring together, ever. I'm excited about the many changes that are coming. Nervous and scared, but excited. I have high hopes for the new year. I'm hoping to have my degree this year, I am hoping to be healthier and more self confident. I am hoping to just enjoy life, enjoy love, and enjoy all the adventures that the new year brings.

I spent my New Years Eve with my amazing boyfriend, we were able to go out and enjoy the New Years together for the first time. We went out with a good friend of mine, Jen. I actually wore something out of my comfort zone and loved it. We definitely drank too much, but were safe and took my first cab ride home (I hate the idea of a taxi cab, but it wasn't too bad). Unfortunately after all the fun and yummy drinks we had - I did end up paying a pretty price for it - to the toilet of course. And spent much of the first day of the year lying in bed feeling absolutely hungover and gross. But with a yummy BLT from Sonic, and some sleep, and of course Tylenol, I feel much, much better. Here is a picture of last night - I do apologize apparently I was a happy drunk who enjoyed sticking her tongue out last night. :)

Me and Jen :)

Me and Erik <3

For everyone, or anyone, who does read this - I hope your new year is amazing, I hope you approach things with a positive attitude (trust me, it really does help) I wish you health and happiness.

Cheers to 2011!