Saturday, August 27, 2011

It's happened..

Well, the moment that I never - not in a million years saw coming - has happened. I'm officially obsessed with my wedding and I think - just possibly - I am starting to enjoy wedding planning. Wow - did I really just say that? I'm also obsessed with a few other things - and - well for their wedding stuff of course. I'm not really obsessed by the 'big things' like the church - that we still haven't quite found yet (although we do have a meeting with a new church on Monday - which has a really pretty fitting ceiling)  it's more or less the little things - the detail that I'm overly obsessed with. I'm still having a tough time with the color. But I think I'm pretty stuck on the country chic, elegant, vintage, romantic feel for the wedding. I think I just need to kind to take a breathe with it. I'm thinking a flowy light silver dress for the girls and then, just blush pink and coral pink and various shades of pink - like peach and coral- with a hint of buttercream yellow throughout. Erik promised we would go to David's bridal and get swatches this weekend so I can have a set colors. I think I just need to focus, I spend so much time exploring everyone elses' picture perfect weddings and get so indecisive with all the choices out there. I'm absolutely obsessed with it. I love staring at all the pictures, scrolling through pages and pages of inspiration. Thinking about little details that I never would of thought of before. Just little things. Menu boards, drinks, guest books, lighting, ceremony details - candles and twine and mason jars. It's so much fun to day dream and look through all the little details.

Pinterest is also amazing for the house details. It's given me so many neat and crafty idea's on how to spruce up the house or things to do to spaces, and idea's for storage. I could just go nutso doing it all - and spend millions. It's actually also lead me to some awesome websites I don't think I would of found otherwise. So yeah.. I'm definitely addicted.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Maybe.. baby?

Erik and I have been discussing when we would ideally like to start our own family. We know we want him home for as much as possible, from pregnancy to birth, to the baby's firsts. It's hard to predict that in the military life, with the Navy it's easy to predict it on a shore duty rotation versus a sea duty rotation. So the decision.. do we want to have children now and have fun when we are more financially stable - let's say mid 40's? Or do we want to have fun now and then have children 6-7 years from now - when I'm 30. Financially speaking we are pretty 'comfortable', we are pretty smart with how money is spent. Well Erik is. It's not that we have a ton of it, but we are smart on what we spend. A little off topic: but it kills me when I hear other people saying "Oh, we can't afford rent that is more than $900 when their BAH is let's say.. a married E5 - $1287." While I am not a person who puts down others, but knowing that Erik is a 'single' E4 and making $300 less a month (in the BAH aspect, a total of $600 less) and we own our own home. Our mortgage is more than our BAH, so when I hear others saying we really can't afford having rent that is still less than their BAH and both parties work and don't have kids, kind of aggravates me!
But back on topic.. We would like to wait for Erik to make rank before we have a baby. Just for the simple fact being that I don't have any benefits at my job. I won't have maternity leave, I will have to take time off unpaid. I don't have any benefits at all. I love my job, just sucks that I don't have the security of having benefits.

But since we've discussed having a baby, the more I think about it, the more scared I get. If that makes sense? I know, I know, I've had a horrible case of baby fever - but that was before the engagement, before our wedding date was set, before anything became 'permanent'. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Don't mistake me, I want a baby - I want to have Erik's baby. But when I walk into Target and hear a child screaming, with a blood red face, or when I go into Chilli's and see a child sitting in a highchair, throwing food around and see the frustration on the child's face - it kind of scares me to be truthful. I guess because it's more real now. I know that probably doesn't make any sense. But that's whats going on in my brain. Everytime I bring it up with Erik, he is just 'la de da' about it. I think maybe, it's because it won't really be real to him until I'm having a baby or had a baby. But I ask him if he is scared and he isn't. He is so relaxed about it. Maybe, I will be more at peace with this in a few months, or closer to the wedding. Don't get me wrong, I do want a baby, I think it just scares me a little that it could potentially be sooner than I thought. My brain is a jumbled mess lately.. but what else is new!

Hopefully I can get a good nights rest tonight.. I haven't been able to get much sleep at all lately or haven't really been sleeping well, either way I'm really tired -often. Have a good night and sorry if my jumbled mess doesn't make much sense.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Wisdom to accept..

It's been a pretty relaxing weekend for the most part. I booked our photographer on Friday, and I'm really excited about finishing up the 'big' planning steps. I still have to book our baker, the dj, and find someone I trust with my hair and face. Outside of that I think it's just the fun things, taking our engagement pictures, picking out invitations, and finding bridesmaids dresses. I'm having a bit of a hard time actually getting in trust with a 'bridesmaid' but I'm sure it's just because she is pretty busy herself. We are still hunting for a church, because I'm not comfortable spending the money that we would be spending on the current church. And I really need to decide on my final colors. But wedding stuff isn't really what this post is about.

I'm trying to have the wisdom to accept the things that I can not change. I've been struggling with it lately, and with certain things going on in my life. My grandmother's health is failing miserably. She has on one hand defeated cancer but otherwise her health is failing rapidly and the doctors aren't really quite sure why or how to fix it. That's been a hard thing to deal with and to actually rather understand when it's all third party information. Secondly, my brother is straying far away from the path he really should be on. Part of me feels like it's my fault. We all make mistakes and I understand that. And I know I'm no different and I didn't physically make him or tell him to do the things he is doing now. But it's still a struggle to accept that, to not want to protect him, to not want to help him 'get better'. My brother has an upcoming court date in which he could face up to a year in jail. It's hard for both my family and myself  to not 'help' him. My brother has been straying far from the path he should be on for the past two years. My mom was really hoping this would be a wake up call for him, to make him get back on the 'path' he should be on, or at least on a better path. But instead that hasn't happened, in fact I don't think it's done anything. He hasn't even tried to get a lawyer or a public defender to say the least. Instead he spends his time doing who knows what, and avoiding me. He hasn't talked to me since I left, he's only answered a handful of text messages but nothing significant. I feel horrible for my parents for having to deal with this and having to remain 'strong' and not cave in to help and baby him. I don't know what happened to my brother, he isn't the same person he was 3 or 5 years ago. I want me real brother back, the one who cared about his life and his family. Instead he is throwing it all away, I don't want my brother to go to jail but it isn't looking like he cares. Sadly, I get to come up with an excuse to tell my family and my future in-laws about why my brother won't be at my wedding. It's a hard pill to swallow, to know my brother is going to a horrible place where he shouldn't be. I guess part of me just really wants my old brother back, the one I remember, not the one who is hanging around now.

It's hard to accept things you can not change, to walk away from it, to let consequences for others actions take place. To just back.. and let life happen, to let it play out. So that's what I'm struggling with.. his court date is this week, so I just pray he wakes up and realizes what is going on and gets things straightened out in time. But if not, I pray that he just has the strength to straighten his life out - no matter the circumstances.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I failed at figuring out how to do big curls this past weekend, failed so horribly I didn't even get the curlers or touch my curling iron. Instead, Friday we went grocery shopping and Saturday we went to look at the Yacht Club on base and had no luck - it looked super yucky on the inside. We ended up having a lazier day and went and got hot wings later, I found an awesome pair of cowboy boots and got them, and then went to the Officers Club later on that night. I was shocked by the inside to be quite honest. I mean the outside screams military building and bomb shelter. But the inside is actually really pretty, and the view is gorgeous. Sunday was an early day, we went to a Latin mass at a small church we've been considering being married in. Then we went and did a bit of shopping and swung back into the Winterbourne for another meeting. Came to the conclusion after many, many answered questions that we love it and it's perfect for us. So we decided on our venue and I dropped off the deposit and signed contract today - so officially it's ours!

Today I also meet with another photographer who I love!! I'm so so excited to have them shoot the wedding. Hopefully as long as they are still open for my weekend I will be dropping off another signed contract and deposit here soon! So major progress on the wedding front. Almost done finding vendors, just need a DJ, a cake, and a hair and a make up artist now. I think.

Now.. on the emotional front. I'm struggling with missing home. Yesterday evening I was missing home a little bit. I wake up and then tonight I'm missing home a TON! I literally was crying while walking the dog. Erik went out with friends tonight, which I really don't care about. I chose to stay in because I'm not exactly feeling well thanks to Aunt Flo. But, it just really hit me tonight how much I miss home. How I feel alone here. I've meet a few girls, sure. I've shared a few laughs, but really overall, I haven't made friends yet. It's that loneliness that diggs at me. Not having a friend to sit on the couch and watch a movie with. Someone to turn to when Erik is annoying me, or when I want my mom. I'm just trying to learn how to handle this and cope with this the best I can.

Friday, August 12, 2011

To pack a backpack or not...

So I've been doing some thinking about school. I'm not sure if I am ready to go back. I know what your thinking, as well as everyone else, 'once you stop, you don't go back'. Not a hundred percent true, but I can see how it gets there. I need to actually sit down and meet with an advisor, I might go later on today or early Monday morning. (love having my jeep, so now I can actually do things I want to do, when I want to do them!) just to see where I am at, and what I need to do to graduate. I want my diploma, whether it's simply just an associates in general studies or whatever it's called, I want that piece of paper. I've worked my ass off so far, and I don't want to quit. But I think once I'm done with my associates, I'm going to be done for a little while. I don't know what it is that I want to do. For me that's a tough place to be, tough thing to come to terms with. I love my job, truly, but I don't know if it's what I want to do for the rest of my life. I plan on working with the company I am at for a long time, because I really do enjoy what I do, who knows what I will think in a year - maybe I will go back and get my degree in business and continue on with my job and turn it into a career. There is no telling what the future will hold. There is no telling where we will be living 6 years from now - that's just part of this Navy life. And that's okay.

In reality, I'm only twenty-two. Twenty - two years young, but yet most days I feel like I'm at least thirty. I almost feel hypocritical when I tell (give advice.. same thing) someone they should really finish school first before marrying and what have you. But everyone seems to know what it is they want to do for a living, or a career. If you know what it is that you want to do, I say go for it and don't stop till you get there. But... in my case. I don't know. And that's okay. Regardless that everyone else from high school I know has graduated college, and are in their first post college job in the career of their choosing. It kind of stings that I'm not. For the most part, I knew what I wanted to do since I was young. It was always being a vet, and then a physical therapist. Now.. I don't know. I debate a lot about becoming a teacher, but I don't think I have the patience for that. But we'll see. I don't think you have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. It is a little scary for me to think about that though.. that's a really long time!

I'm sure I'll figure it out, one day. But for right now, I think I am just going to enjoy where life takes me. Whether that means college now, or next semester. It'll happen when it's meant to.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Big Curls

Happy Post time! I know most of you are thinking, 'It's about Flipping time!!" and it is! But I have found this new acceptance of being okay with doing things, well my way. And by my way I mean slightly backwards. And you know what, that's okay. So what if I do things backwards? So what if I book my florist before I book my reception venue. So what if I am terrified about signing a photographer! Who cares?! I don't. As long as it gets done, that is all that matters in the end!

I found my wedding favor jars today, and proceeded to order them. Not only did I order them, I also saved $42 by ordering 8 more! Seriously, I'll find something cute to do with the extra 8. So that made my day. It's the little things, I promise.

Erik and I got into the dumbest argument ever this morning. I was in a craptastic mood, and well he wasn't any different. And well we got into it, about him snapping at me. No, I do not mean being short, I mean the actual snap like snapping your fingers. It was the way he did it and frankly it threw me over the edge. So we are literally fighting over this. He pissed me off even more when he made a smart ass remark saying 'I can't wait for a lifetime of this!' so I get even more pissed and as we are fighting I just busted out laughing uncontrollably. Literally. Just couldn't stop laughing. I mean seriously fighting over snapping fingers! What the hell?! Dumbest argument ever. Just proves to show you can fight over dumb things.
SN: Erik makes these horribly mean remarks like above during arguments and then feels bad, apologizes and thinks it makes it all better. It doesn't. Definitely something I am working on with him about. He knows it's wrong, so hopefully we can continue to work on it and get him to stop doing that.

Now, you might ask what the title is in reference to! It's my hair ladies! I want to learn how to do big southern curls in my hair. I'm on the hunt for big curlers to put in my hair. Now.. being blessed with curly hair doesn't always mean it's pretty curls all the time. And for me, it also means that I have no clue how to use a curling iron (pretty bad huh?!) So that's my goal for this week(end), well besides finding and deciding on our reception venue. Erik is working late tonight, so hopefully I can look more into cakes, dj's, and find some honkin curlers! And play with my hair, and well puppy dog too!

Not to mention... tonight is T-Shirt Time!!!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Something white.

Wow. It's been a while. There's a lot of frustrations on my mind currently. None of them surprisingly having to do with Erik's family and only one of them wedding related. First I'll get to the good news tho! My wonderful mommy took a day off of work to drive my Jeep down - so I'm mobile again! And spent the weekend with us and we got to do some wedding things! Friday we just relaxed and talked and she got to see our home for the first time. Saturday we went wedding dress shopping and I found my beautiful wedding dress and ordered it! It should be here sometime in mid December!! I did tear up, but it wasn't like the wedding shows, such as Say yes to the Dress portray it to be, for me at least. I went to a wonderful little boutique and the lady (also owner) knew my budget and kept with it and only does one appointment at a time, so you have the whole store to yourself!! It was a much better appointment then the one I had earlier that morning - well just say 3 brides, and 7 bridesmaids who all belonged to the same bride do not mix well together! -  but it was perfect, it was just my mom and I and I loved it! Secondly, I booked my florist today! Another wonderful lady who is going to do exactly what I want! I'm really, really excited about both accomplishments.

I'm totally in a crafty, excited mood lately - well for the most part. So I'm heading out to JoAnn's Fabrics today to get some ribbon for the wedding. I've been leaning into making our own 'Save the Date' rather than ordering them. Invitations, yes I will order those, but I have a totally cute idea for the 'Save the Date'. So.. we'll see how that goes. I'm also planning on doing my own centerpieces, partially. It's this cute simplistic idea. I'll post pictures of it some time relatively soon, hopefully. But that's probably going to be all the DIY I do for the wedding. I might order our programs from vistaprint, and tie my own ribbon on them, but we'll see.

Now maybe my frustrations aren't fully warranted. Total possibility. I mean there are plenty of times where feelings are completely off the wall but I'm a girl and I am entitled to that. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of people complaining about random total bull hockeyness. And it really, has just gotten to me I guess. How consumed people are with themselves, how much of a pitty party people want to be thrown for them. I may complain on here, but this is my outlet, I don't go on facebook posting 'poor poor me'. I write out my feelings and feel better about it. I try to stay positive about a lot of things, even if it doesn't seem like it. I try to think about the positives in every situation and hope for the best. To me there is no sense in thinking the worst, you get yourself so worked up about everything and stress yourself out. Then you get sick because your stressed out. Not worth it. But I will say I get tired, of seeing people complaining about who knows what, things can always be worse. Always. Someone always has it worse than you do, no matter the situation. I don't know, I'm sure I am probably being a sour puss and over reacting about some of the things I've seen on facebook. Whatever. I'm just tired of a lot of people playing the 'I have it worse' game, or the 'Poor, poor me' or the 'throw myself a pitty party' game, or the most annoying on, 'I'm always the victim'. There are always those people, and I just really need to get better about ignoring it.

Now, for my wedding related frustration. I'm having a hell of a time deciding on a wedding reception venue. I don't want to spend a butt ton of money, like most places here charge, but I don't want people to be like 'well, she was obviously on a budget' I just can't forsee spending a ton of money on some food and maybe drinks for four hours. Maybe that's just being too frugal, but I can't. So it's been rather frustrating lately to say the least. Not to mention, to actually find a place that I love. But I'm sure it will work out. So fingers crossed, it works out soon, because I'm getting a little stressed out over it all.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Two posts in one day, on the same topic. Sorry. But I need to vent, I need to get everything off of my chest. I'm tired of feeling like I am putting everyone between a rock and a hard place, like I have caused the biggest ordeal since the last dumb thing Obama said.

Maybe, I am just an emotional wreck, or a drama queen, or whatever. Maybe it's because I feel alone here lately. Maybe it's because I've never really been so involved with planning a wedding. But I feel like I am expected to just quietly take care of all of this on my own. I thought this was supposed to be a fun, big, thing to do. You only get married once, well... most people only get married once. That's another topic for another day. I thought everything is supposed to be full of fun, picking out flowers, picking out colors, cake designs, dj's, reception things. But it's been far from fun - in fact it's been the most stressful thing ever. Well almost ever. I feel like everyone is judging me. I have no clue what I am doing here, I feel like I am being fed to the sharks and everyone is watching, pointing, and laughing at me struggle. Maybe it's not what's really happening, but who knows. That's just how I feel. I feel like no one cares, and no one wants to help. Obviously I don't have friends who can or want to help. It's just me, completely alone on this.

Maybe I just don't get it, or maybe my expectations about this time in my life were totally different. Maybe it's all of those movies and TV shows that portray wedding planning as being a lot of fun, or portray the bride in the store with all of her closest friends and future mother in law and her mother. Instead I sit here and watch those shows and feel bad for myself because I don't and won't have that. I guess maybe what I am feeling is a huge let down, and jealously towards everyone who has that experience.

I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties, and realize that life isn't fair towards everyone and not one person gets nor wants everything they dream and wish and want. I need to be happy that I have an amazing fiance who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, and that wants to help in this whole experience all he can. I should be happy that I finally have chosen bridal colors, that I finally have an idea in my head of how it all will work, that we have a church booked. And that we will have decided on a reception venue here soon. After that, everything else will fall into place. I just really, really need to work on focusing on the good rather than the bad. I need to stop being my own debbie downer.

I've noticed, when your in a bad mood (or at least me) I get really tired, really fast. It's only the mid afternoon and I could curl up in bed and sleep the night away. Instead, I've got a ton of cleaning to get done. I always a big clean freak, but even more so now since my mom will be in town Friday afternoon. It's really important to me that she sees our home for the first time clean and pretty. Overall, it's pretty clean for the most part. But I do need to go over the carpets with the steam vac, and steam mop the tile. Our bathroom needs to be cleaned as well.

I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back from my thyroid doctor yet in regards to lab work that I had done about a week ago now. I was hoping that in the civilian world, I would hear back just as fast as I had been hearing back from my old Navy endocrine. Nothing yet. He was also doing some testing for other autoimmune diseases. When you have one autoimmune disease, where your body is attacking itself, your at risk to develop others as well. Just the nature of the beast I guess. So I'm waiting to hear back about those as well.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I got all of that off of my chest, sometimes it's just easier to vent it all out and write it down. It helps, at least it does help me. I can't keep things built up, or else I'll explode and nine times out of ten I explode on the wrong person.


So last night I came to the realization that I've been pretty thinking in a pretty naive fashion lately when it comes to the wedding, and my in-laws. Truthfully, I've been a little hurt by the fact that I'm the only one that is excited about our wedding, well aside from my mom. I get that it's dumb for me to think that others are going to be just as excited as I am. I guess I thought that maybe Erik's family would want more to do with it, or would be just as excited. But.. I wasn't exactly thinking in my normal fashion - clearly. I guess I thought that knowing I am going to be a permanent part of their family that I would some how become closer with them. But honestly, I can't expect that to be true. We live so far away, that it really just isn't something that is going to happen, unless we get stationed closer, and quite honestly it's the Navy - Kentucky isn't exactly near the ocean. I don't know, I really feel let down, like I built these expectations that I would 'gain' three sisters, and I will, but I don't think it will be the relationship that I am thinking it is going to be. And that isn't any one's fault. It's just an unfortunate truth. It's hard to create close relationships with others when you live 800+ miles away.

On another note I am really annoyed with anything wedding related, again. I know it's old. But I'm just to the point of not wanting to have one. What's the point in spending all that money, when in fact no one is going to come. What's the point in buying a pretty dress when maybe 20 people will see it. It's so flipping frustrating. And truth be told I am just over it. I'm tired of feeling like our wedding doesn't count, and that our wedding isn't going to be pretty or as in detail as others are. I'm just annoyed and frustrated and sick of it. Why have a wedding when the people who are there don't want to be there? Excuse my pitty party, I'm frustrated and woke up in a bad mood and can't exactly talk to Erik about any of this.