Thursday, September 13, 2012

A little secret

September 13th, 2012
24 weeks 2 days

I have a little secret, or rather confession that I should probably let out in the open by now. I was telling Erik about it last night and while I don't think vocalizing it will change how I feel, it'll be nice to have it out in the open. I'm not sure why exactly I feel this way, but I do think it's a common feeling many mom-to-be's have.

So, the secret - I really, really wish I could keep my babies in my tummy forever. Not because I'm super comfortable, I'm starting to get to the point where I am becoming uncomfortable. It isn't because I want to feel their kicks forever, I do love feeling them move and kick! But because I don't want to share them!! Obviously, I will love sharing them with Erik. But, I just don't want to share them with anyone else. Plus, I feel like as long as they are in my belly (anyone else say that in the Fat Bastard "Get in my Belly" voice? Nope.. just me.. okay, moving on then.) As long as they are in my belly, they are protected and safe from anything and everything. Nothing can hurt them, no one can say mean things to them, they can't fall down and scrap their knees, and they can be protected from all the violence going on in the world.

There wasn't really a "trigger" or a cause to why I feel this way, I just do. It wasn't caused by the recent events going on in Lybia, Yemen, or anywhere else (I feel like this is still an up and rising story and things are changing so fast.) But those events do not certainly give me the warm fuzzy feeling. It is becoming extremely terrifying almost that there is so much violence and hate going on in the world. It's all well out of anyone's control and all we can do is pray about it. Thankfully, Erik isn't at risk for deploying and I truly count my blessings and lucky stars for that. I know there are so many military families who are just waiting for that call that might/might not come any day now.

I just worry about everything now. I worry about when my boys are older having to explain what happened on September 11th, 2001 when so many innocent people lost their lives in a horrid act of terrorism. I worry about having to explain to them why their Daddy is going away for deployments. I worry about the future, the uncertainty that our country faces right now. I worry about so many things. I truly know deep down, that all of this is out of my control, I have no control over any of my worries. I know worrying won't solve anything and that I just need to truly place my faith in God and He will make sure we are all alright.

But I still worry, I was thinking about the future last night, and the idea of passing my babies to someone else to hold gives me almost some sort of anxiety. I don't want them to snuggle with anyone but me and Erik. Is that selfish? Yeah, it is. Do I care? Nope, not at all. They are my little boys.  I'm sure these feelings and emotions will change when I've been awake for 20 hours and they are still screaming but right now, I'm okay with that. I think it's a normal feeling for any mother, especially a first time mom-to-be to have.

I know the day will come when they will make their appearance, and the day will come where I will share them with family and friends. But until then.. I am going to just enjoy having them all to myself and enjoy having them in my belly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Beat the 1 pound mark!

September 5th, 2012
23 weeks 1 day

We had an appointment this morning with our MFM and found out the babies are much closer together! And they've broken the pound mark! Our little ones are 1 pound 1 oz and 1 pound 2 oz and I couldn't be more thrilled! (aside from knowing that 2 pounds of my weight is their weight!) I'm just grateful they are doing great and cooking well! We will continued to be monitored closely for TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) and my cervix continues to be checked every two weeks. It was nice and long today and my MFM said I don't show any signs of preterm labor! Yay!

Baby A 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 1 oz

Baby B 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 2 oz
I'm still in a funk and waiting for pictures to be uploaded from the baby shower so I will update with that soon. Otherwise, things are quite again in our home. I'm trying to figure out how to organize the nursery, and I'm itching to start. I'm almost positive I will reorganize it a million times before they make their arrival - but I will love every minute of it.
1 more week till V day!! (Viability day! 24 weeks!)

Monday, September 3, 2012


September 3, 2012
22 Weeks 6 Days

I have another post I should be writing, one about our amazing weekend with our families who came down and visited with us and about the wonderful baby shower I was thrown. But I have a few other things on my mind right now that I need to get out in the open.

I think it's really hitting me that we're truly on our own, in every aspect. Our families are over ten hours away from us and we don't get to see them often, and when we do it never feels long enough. All of my friends who have had children have had their families within a thirty minute drive of them, so there was plenty of support and helping hands. We don't have that luxury, and it isn't because family doesn't want to, but because we are just far away. It isn't like a day trip, or even a three day weekend trip that's easy to make.

For the past year and half that we've lived here, I've never really missed being super close to family. I've enjoyed my privacy, and my independence. The move was a wonderful growing experience for myself and for Erik and I. We've learned how to completely just rely on one another and get through things without running home to mom and dad to complain about the other person. I actually would say that I loved living further away. But after family left last night, I'm just so sad.

I'm sad I guess because I know that I won't be seeing most of them until the boy's are here, which truthfully is a bit overwhelming. I'm also sad because I know this is such a huge life changing event and no one is really around to be here for it. I know it really is just life changing for Erik and I, but it would be nice to have family nearby. I'm sad that I won't have my mom close by to help, even though our relationship is very up and down, I'm still sad. I won't be able to just have my mom near when/if I want her. I'm sad our boys will grow up like I did, far away from their Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. I'm sad that they won't be near by to play with future cousins and be close with them.

I knew this would happen, because of our life style. I knew that the military would keep us away from family. But I guess I never really grasped that my children will grow up like I did. Not that there is anything wrong with how I grew up. But it's not fun being far away from family, it isn't exciting to go on 10-12 hour car rides to see Grandparents. It isn't fun to have your daddy deployed. When I said I would never marry a military man, it wasn't because I thought they were bad guys, it's because I know what it is like to grow up in that lifestyle. Now, I love Erik with all my heart, and I'm so very proud of what he is doing. There isn't any mistake in that. I wouldn't of wanted to marry any other man. Part of me is just sad and I hope that my sons grow up slightly different than I did. I hope that somehow, some way we can find a way to make it easier with family far away. Skype can only do so much, but I'm really hoping we can figure out ways to keep them close with their extended family.

Maybe I'm just a hormonal mess right now, and I'm sure my pregnancy mood swings aren't helping. I'm sure I will have myself pulled back together in a week or two from now. But.. right now, I can't help but just be sad and overwhelmed about the future and about going through all of these changes without family nearby.