A little of this.. a little of that

It's been a while since my last post, things have been pretty busy for the most part. Between riding, the dog, and keeping up with the house work on top of actually working I barely have time for myself, let alone Erik or wedding things.
We went and visited my family this past weekend since Erik had a four day weekend with work. It was a decent 9 and a half hour drive, easy for the most part, but long. It was so nice seeing my family, and my dog, and hearing jet noise. I did a lot of thinking while back home, whether or not I'd want to move back there or not. I missed the food - goodness the good Mexican food, fish taco's, frozen yogurt. I missed it all. I missed my family, my friends. I was able to see two friends while I was there, both who are my bridesmaids. I got my hair done and went bridesmaid dress shopping and had no luck whatsoever. But that's okay, there is the Internet and time to make other visits. It was really nice knowing where I was and how to get around town without a GPS.
I've kind of been slacking in the wedding aspect - I did book our baker for the cake, and I did find the invitations I want, we're just hacking out the price and exactly what we need them to say, I will hopefully be ordering them by the end of the week, permitting we have our ceremony time by then. Hopefully we do. I have a DJ meeting coming up on Thursday and hopefully we can get that taken care of - I'm kind of running out of time on that, and it really needs to be booked. Other than that things are pretty much falling into place to be quite honest. I ordered Erik's wedding band There are a few little things that I need to do such as finding a make-up artist. Finding a rehearsal dinner site and taking care of that. I do need to talk to another baker about a grooms cake. I really need to get my bridesmaid dresses ordered by next month for sure. We will hopefully be taking our engagement pictures next month as well. There are little things that I need to start accumulating such as mason jars and candles and other decor things. I also need to start thing about Out of Town bags for our guests. I'm trying my hardest not to let it stress me out, and so far I'm not doing a bad job of it. I've kind of just adopted the whole idea of things will work themselves out.
My pinterest addiction has fueled some projects that I've started on, and I'm excitingly completely doing the office. We are adding a chair rail into it and painting the walls below it a blue color- the first things we've painted in our home. I took our old kitchen table and turned it into my desk and painted it a bright turquoise. We are getting a filing cabinet since we are selling my old desk that one in it. And I believe I am going to wallpaper it so it looks pretty. I've got a bookshelf I need to paint so I can bring it in here and then I'll pretty much be done except for some wall art. I'm really loving being able to do things like this and making our house more than just a house. It's pretty exciting but boy does the cost add up.
We also started RCIA classes about a month ago now, if you don't know what RCIA classes are - they are classes that teach you and explain the Catholic faith to you. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and just didn't really seem fit to do without Erik around since he was deployed. But I really feel comfortable in our church and I am enjoying the classes a lot more than I thought I would to be honest. The classes go all the way up to April and on the day before Easter I will be baptized and confirmed and have my first communion. Most people were baptized as babies, and in almost all faith's, except for Unitarian, babies are baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Spirit - so the Catholic church accepts that - but I was never baptized so, I will be then. It's taught me a lot and I feel really at ease, and just 'right' with it.
I really have been working hard on getting over everything that happened with Erik's sisters. It's not that I'm holding a grudge or I am still mad, I'm actually not mad at all, anymore, it's more or less I'm just really hurt by it. I understand why his middle sister was upset, and why his other two sisters got upset and defended her. I truly do, they're sisters - I'm not, and I'm the one who upset her. I'm more or less hurt by the words that were said, and the actions that are occurring. I guess I had this thought that once Erik and I were engaged, or once we were married that they would all like me and I'd have sisters that I never had before. I know I tend to dwell on this, and I really am working to get past it. Like I said I'm not mad, it's more or less that I'm still hurt by it, but like Erik said I need to get past it.

Other than that, nothing really new has gone on lately. I've just been pretty busy and trying more or less to finish up some wedding lose ends and ride as much as I can without leaving puppy dog alone for too long. She gets spayed next week, so that'll be pretty interesting. Maybe it might calm her down some, but overall she really isn't too 'crazy' she's just a puppy and we love her little puppy dog attitude. She's gotten so big since we last got her - she weighs a whopping 62 pounds now, versus the 25 she barely weighed when she came home with us. She's definitely stolen our hearts that's for sure.

But back to work for me.. I've got a ton of things to get done - story of my life at the moment.

For what its worth, I'm still adjusting to my 'new' life here in Jacksonville. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse than others. I won't deny that the thought to run home doesn't cross my mind at least once a month but I can't say I absolutely hate it here either.. I'm just here.
I caved in the other day and posted an ad on craigslist offering barn work (mucking stalls and such) for riding time. I don't want extra money, I just want to ride. And well I'll be darn I didn't only get one response, I got three. The first one I went and saw on Thursday before the free Brad Paisley concert on base, and the guy is really nice. Ideally it's what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted. He offered to let me come out and work as often as I wanted and I could ride, whomever I wanted and help him train them to show. He's offered to trailer them out to cross country fields - the whole shebang, and offered to get me back into competing. How amazing of an opportunity is that, especially the fact that it just fell in my lap. The other person who contact me is a sweet lady who just wants someone to ride her horses, mainly trails, and work on a few little issues they have. I meet with her yesterday and went for a trail ride with her, she is such a sweet wonderful lady and lives like 10 minutes down the road at that! So.. I'm stuck. I really want to do both, but with a wedding in less than six months and working as much as I am, it just isn't ideal. I also don't know if I want to compete anymore.. it was what I lived for for so long and I don't know if I miss competing.. riding and jumping you bet your  bottom dollar I do - but competing I just don't think fits anymore. But I'm so happy to be riding again, it really feels amazing to be back in the saddle. I also recently, as of last night actually had another lady needing someone to work her horses. I think she is another Navy wife, with a young baby who just doesn't have the time. So I am hoping to meet up with her either tonight or tomorrow afternoon and meet her and maybe I'll just work their two horses. Either way, I really don't foresee myself getting back into competing. It just isn't ideal, and it's a lot of money. I just want to ride and enjoy it.

After my mental breakdown the other night, last week actually, (all because of a stupid mop not wanting to work) I've been considering making a doctors appointment.. I really think I'm going through an anxiety issue with all of the changes and things that have been going on. I'm just not handling and processing things like I normally would and it really scares me. So that's been on my mind lately, going back and forth on it.. I know it would be for the best but I don't know if I'm just reading to far into things or what. I have my days like today - where I feel great, I'm happy and I feel normal again..  I just don't know.. it might be the stress of everything getting to me, but whatever it is, it needs to go away that's for sure. I've definitely noticed riding is helping that big time. I've been twice now and I definitely can't get enough of it.. the house is starting to show that. So time for a new routine and figuring out the best days to ride, and the best times to clean. I definitely need to work on getting my tail end out of bed earlier in the morning so I have more time to do things, and can work better hours.

But that's where I am right now.. working on having a more positive outlook and aspect on life, trying to make the house more like home, I definitely have some projects I would like to get done that's for sure. Now if I can just get the last of my wedding vendors booked... I'd be a happy camper.

Struggling

Lately I've been struggling with a few things.. for some reason it just feels like life has overrun me, that I am so focused on the daily grind, I forget what makes me happy - and I forget to be happy. I just live and get through each day. I really need to work on finding things that make me happy here, and making the effort to do them. Because I should be happy, I need to be happy. Life is to short to just get through it.

I think there is a part of me that is jealous of Erik, that he gets to leave the house to go to work, that he has co-workers to go out with and friends here to do things with.. while I just have our puppy dog. I have never really felt so alone, until we moved here. And I know it's good for us to have time away from each other, truly I get that beyond belief, and that we need to have our own friends to have fun with - but I don't have friends here. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to make friends, but... girls are just hard to trust. Everyone is so high-maintenance, and so dramatic about a lot of things. While me, I'm just laid back and relaxed about it all.

Part of me things I need to get a weekend part time job, or volunteer somewhere on a farm. I know I talked about this before. But I really need to. Maybe I can make some friends that way, or at least get out of the house. It's times like these where nothing more than a bareback trail ride to no where sounds amazing.. but needless to say financially I can't take on the responsibility of a horse.

I just want to be the happy go lucky girl I was before we moved. I want to be able to go out for drinks with friends and not have to worry about saying the wrong thing, or not wearing whats in style. I want to be able to laugh again - I can't tell you the last time I really, really laughed was. I'm trying really hard, to get past all the things I hate about here, and find things I love or at least like about living here. I think if it wasn't for the house, and the puppy, I'd hate everything about this place... but that isn't a good place to be. I shouldn't be such a Negative Nellie, and I should be more optimistic about it here. I need to at least try for my own sanity.