Tuesday, September 13, 2011

For what its worth, I'm still adjusting to my 'new' life here in Jacksonville. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse than others. I won't deny that the thought to run home doesn't cross my mind at least once a month but I can't say I absolutely hate it here either.. I'm just here.
I caved in the other day and posted an ad on craigslist offering barn work (mucking stalls and such) for riding time. I don't want extra money, I just want to ride. And well I'll be darn I didn't only get one response, I got three. The first one I went and saw on Thursday before the free Brad Paisley concert on base, and the guy is really nice. Ideally it's what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted. He offered to let me come out and work as often as I wanted and I could ride, whomever I wanted and help him train them to show. He's offered to trailer them out to cross country fields - the whole shebang, and offered to get me back into competing. How amazing of an opportunity is that, especially the fact that it just fell in my lap. The other person who contact me is a sweet lady who just wants someone to ride her horses, mainly trails, and work on a few little issues they have. I meet with her yesterday and went for a trail ride with her, she is such a sweet wonderful lady and lives like 10 minutes down the road at that! So.. I'm stuck. I really want to do both, but with a wedding in less than six months and working as much as I am, it just isn't ideal. I also don't know if I want to compete anymore.. it was what I lived for for so long and I don't know if I miss competing.. riding and jumping you bet your  bottom dollar I do - but competing I just don't think fits anymore. But I'm so happy to be riding again, it really feels amazing to be back in the saddle. I also recently, as of last night actually had another lady needing someone to work her horses. I think she is another Navy wife, with a young baby who just doesn't have the time. So I am hoping to meet up with her either tonight or tomorrow afternoon and meet her and maybe I'll just work their two horses. Either way, I really don't foresee myself getting back into competing. It just isn't ideal, and it's a lot of money. I just want to ride and enjoy it.

After my mental breakdown the other night, last week actually, (all because of a stupid mop not wanting to work) I've been considering making a doctors appointment.. I really think I'm going through an anxiety issue with all of the changes and things that have been going on. I'm just not handling and processing things like I normally would and it really scares me. So that's been on my mind lately, going back and forth on it.. I know it would be for the best but I don't know if I'm just reading to far into things or what. I have my days like today - where I feel great, I'm happy and I feel normal again..  I just don't know.. it might be the stress of everything getting to me, but whatever it is, it needs to go away that's for sure. I've definitely noticed riding is helping that big time. I've been twice now and I definitely can't get enough of it.. the house is starting to show that. So time for a new routine and figuring out the best days to ride, and the best times to clean. I definitely need to work on getting my tail end out of bed earlier in the morning so I have more time to do things, and can work better hours.

But that's where I am right now.. working on having a more positive outlook and aspect on life, trying to make the house more like home, I definitely have some projects I would like to get done that's for sure. Now if I can just get the last of my wedding vendors booked... I'd be a happy camper.

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