Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Updates and Emotions

October 3rd, 2012
27 weeks 1 day

It's been quiet a while since I've written either on here, and even longer since I have written in the journal I've been keeping for the boys. Life has just gotten a little hectic, but I really need to get better about it. I want to have things for them to read when they get older.

I had my 1 hour glucose test back two weeks ago, it really wasn't bad at all. I opted for a Lemon-Lime flavor, since I hate Orange flavored anything. Pretty much tasted like a sugary Sprite. I felt a little dizzy towards the end, and had a horrible headache afterwards from the sugar. But I passed, thankfully. Me, give up chocolate and all things sweet? HA! You've got to be kidding me. No worries, there! The following Thursday, the 19th, I ended up back in L&D around midnight or so. I was having contractions that were 10 minutes apart, water and laying down weren't offering any sort of solution. We got in pretty quickly, and thankfully the wonderful nurses were able to get them to stop and thankfully I wasn't starting active labor. These babies need to cook a lot longer before they are able to arrive.

We had our appointment with our MFM yesterday, at 27 weeks on the dot. They did a cervix check and a growth scan. Baby A is weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces, and Baby B is weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces. We are back up to a 17% growth discrepancy, but they aren't worried about it at the moment - at least that's what they say. There aren't any signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) and it isn't likely that it would develop this late. We got a great picture of Baby B looking at us and you can tell a HUGE weight difference from their 23 week growth scan and yesterdays. He looks like my little gummy baby.

I'm really starting to look VERY pregnant. I really need to post some pictures on here, Erik is horrible about taking pictures - I have to beg practically for him to take one, and then another because the first one looks horrible. Then it ends in me being mad. Just not a good combination I suppose. I'm really feeling the babies move more and more, and I absolutely just love it. I could sit all day long and feel my belly and feel them move. It's one of the most amazing feelings in the world, at least I think so. It makes every heartburn, ache and pain so completely worth it.

We took the boys to their first concert last Thursday, the 27th, to see Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, and Scotty Mccuery. The USO was giving away free tickets to active duty military, which was awesome! I love free tickets and country music. The boys were kicking up a storm the entire time Brad Paisley was on stage. They're definitely going to be mommy's little country boys.

Otherwise things have been quiet here, truthfully I haven't been in the mood to have it any other way. I've been feeling quiet anxious and sad lately. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but either way. I just feel so alone lately. Erik is gone at nights now, and I'm realizing quickly that the friends I have here, aren't like the friends I had back home (it isn't like I have hardly a friend back home any how anymore.. things change when you move away). Back home friends came over, hung out and just chatted with you. Here - it's more of a coffee date once a week and text messaging. Which is better than nothing - and I do like the friends that I have made. It's just... not what I need or what I'm used to. I don't know - this funk isn't hardly fun at all. I honestly just feel sad, it's like this pity party feeling I can't shake. I don't want to be back in Virginia Beach, but I miss certain aspects of it. I miss the environment more than anything I suppose, people are just different here. I just feel.. alone.

I don't know if it's that I miss having family near by, or that everyone and their mother who finds out we are expecting twins ask the question about who we will have to help us or makes a comment about "Oh, you're going to need a LOT of help!". I seriously could scream if I hear that remark one more time. I'm really looking forward to Erik and I having the boys and handling parenthood. We're going to learn so much about each other, and we're going to have to rely on each other and I think that's going to make our relationship a lot closer than we ever imagined. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks with it being just us and the boys before we have company/visitors. I want to be able to recover on my own and not have to worry about having people around. But my heart hurts when I see pictures of family visiting newborns in the hospital, because we don't have that luxury. The nurses and other soon to be parents at our hospital tours were talking about family visiting and I just had to tune it out completely.. we won't have visitors. It'll be Erik and I. I don't even know what we are going to do with Jade at this point in time. I don't trust hardly anyone with her, and I don't want to have friends over who are going to discipline my dog. It's going to be hard for her too. I've got a bazillion thoughts running through my mind, a million things to get done, and I just feel alone.

Here's to hoping better days are around the corner..

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A little secret

September 13th, 2012
24 weeks 2 days

I have a little secret, or rather confession that I should probably let out in the open by now. I was telling Erik about it last night and while I don't think vocalizing it will change how I feel, it'll be nice to have it out in the open. I'm not sure why exactly I feel this way, but I do think it's a common feeling many mom-to-be's have.

So, the secret - I really, really wish I could keep my babies in my tummy forever. Not because I'm super comfortable, I'm starting to get to the point where I am becoming uncomfortable. It isn't because I want to feel their kicks forever, I do love feeling them move and kick! But because I don't want to share them!! Obviously, I will love sharing them with Erik. But, I just don't want to share them with anyone else. Plus, I feel like as long as they are in my belly (anyone else say that in the Fat Bastard "Get in my Belly" voice? Nope.. just me.. okay, moving on then.) As long as they are in my belly, they are protected and safe from anything and everything. Nothing can hurt them, no one can say mean things to them, they can't fall down and scrap their knees, and they can be protected from all the violence going on in the world.

There wasn't really a "trigger" or a cause to why I feel this way, I just do. It wasn't caused by the recent events going on in Lybia, Yemen, or anywhere else (I feel like this is still an up and rising story and things are changing so fast.) But those events do not certainly give me the warm fuzzy feeling. It is becoming extremely terrifying almost that there is so much violence and hate going on in the world. It's all well out of anyone's control and all we can do is pray about it. Thankfully, Erik isn't at risk for deploying and I truly count my blessings and lucky stars for that. I know there are so many military families who are just waiting for that call that might/might not come any day now.

I just worry about everything now. I worry about when my boys are older having to explain what happened on September 11th, 2001 when so many innocent people lost their lives in a horrid act of terrorism. I worry about having to explain to them why their Daddy is going away for deployments. I worry about the future, the uncertainty that our country faces right now. I worry about so many things. I truly know deep down, that all of this is out of my control, I have no control over any of my worries. I know worrying won't solve anything and that I just need to truly place my faith in God and He will make sure we are all alright.

But I still worry, I was thinking about the future last night, and the idea of passing my babies to someone else to hold gives me almost some sort of anxiety. I don't want them to snuggle with anyone but me and Erik. Is that selfish? Yeah, it is. Do I care? Nope, not at all. They are my little boys.  I'm sure these feelings and emotions will change when I've been awake for 20 hours and they are still screaming but right now, I'm okay with that. I think it's a normal feeling for any mother, especially a first time mom-to-be to have.

I know the day will come when they will make their appearance, and the day will come where I will share them with family and friends. But until then.. I am going to just enjoy having them all to myself and enjoy having them in my belly.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Beat the 1 pound mark!

September 5th, 2012
23 weeks 1 day

We had an appointment this morning with our MFM and found out the babies are much closer together! And they've broken the pound mark! Our little ones are 1 pound 1 oz and 1 pound 2 oz and I couldn't be more thrilled! (aside from knowing that 2 pounds of my weight is their weight!) I'm just grateful they are doing great and cooking well! We will continued to be monitored closely for TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) and my cervix continues to be checked every two weeks. It was nice and long today and my MFM said I don't show any signs of preterm labor! Yay!

Baby A 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 1 oz

Baby B 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 2 oz
I'm still in a funk and waiting for pictures to be uploaded from the baby shower so I will update with that soon. Otherwise, things are quite again in our home. I'm trying to figure out how to organize the nursery, and I'm itching to start. I'm almost positive I will reorganize it a million times before they make their arrival - but I will love every minute of it.
1 more week till V day!! (Viability day! 24 weeks!)

Monday, September 3, 2012


September 3, 2012
22 Weeks 6 Days

I have another post I should be writing, one about our amazing weekend with our families who came down and visited with us and about the wonderful baby shower I was thrown. But I have a few other things on my mind right now that I need to get out in the open.

I think it's really hitting me that we're truly on our own, in every aspect. Our families are over ten hours away from us and we don't get to see them often, and when we do it never feels long enough. All of my friends who have had children have had their families within a thirty minute drive of them, so there was plenty of support and helping hands. We don't have that luxury, and it isn't because family doesn't want to, but because we are just far away. It isn't like a day trip, or even a three day weekend trip that's easy to make.

For the past year and half that we've lived here, I've never really missed being super close to family. I've enjoyed my privacy, and my independence. The move was a wonderful growing experience for myself and for Erik and I. We've learned how to completely just rely on one another and get through things without running home to mom and dad to complain about the other person. I actually would say that I loved living further away. But after family left last night, I'm just so sad.

I'm sad I guess because I know that I won't be seeing most of them until the boy's are here, which truthfully is a bit overwhelming. I'm also sad because I know this is such a huge life changing event and no one is really around to be here for it. I know it really is just life changing for Erik and I, but it would be nice to have family nearby. I'm sad that I won't have my mom close by to help, even though our relationship is very up and down, I'm still sad. I won't be able to just have my mom near when/if I want her. I'm sad our boys will grow up like I did, far away from their Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. I'm sad that they won't be near by to play with future cousins and be close with them.

I knew this would happen, because of our life style. I knew that the military would keep us away from family. But I guess I never really grasped that my children will grow up like I did. Not that there is anything wrong with how I grew up. But it's not fun being far away from family, it isn't exciting to go on 10-12 hour car rides to see Grandparents. It isn't fun to have your daddy deployed. When I said I would never marry a military man, it wasn't because I thought they were bad guys, it's because I know what it is like to grow up in that lifestyle. Now, I love Erik with all my heart, and I'm so very proud of what he is doing. There isn't any mistake in that. I wouldn't of wanted to marry any other man. Part of me is just sad and I hope that my sons grow up slightly different than I did. I hope that somehow, some way we can find a way to make it easier with family far away. Skype can only do so much, but I'm really hoping we can figure out ways to keep them close with their extended family.

Maybe I'm just a hormonal mess right now, and I'm sure my pregnancy mood swings aren't helping. I'm sure I will have myself pulled back together in a week or two from now. But.. right now, I can't help but just be sad and overwhelmed about the future and about going through all of these changes without family nearby.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

And time goes on..

August 23rd, 2012

21 weeks 2 days

Just when I think time will finally slow down, it doesn't. I've finished out this summer semester, and decided not to return for the fall semester. That was a hard decision to come to, because I really didn't want to stop. But knowing that bedrest could be in my future, and not wanting to go on campus to take tests at 37 weeks pregnant, I knew it was what is best for me and the babies.

We've been working hard around the house getting things together (finally) and prettying things up before family comes into town. Last week I had Erik painting our guest bathroom. It ended up being an adventure. Our Ace paint was giving away free quarts of paint. Well.. we figured that it would only take 2 quarts of paint to paint it completely. And being right between two Ace's we figured we'd try to do it for free. (I know, I know tisk.. tisk) Well we asked for 'Greek Column' at both Ace's - well one Ace gave us the right color, and the other... didn't. They gave us the shade darker. But we ended up mixing them together and liked it.. and ended up being a quart shy to finish. So I had to go back and they wouldn't mix it for us, so I had to buy two quarts. All in all it came out perfectly, and we have a funny story behind it. Last weekend, I pulled all the weeds and dead flowers out of the backyard garden bed. We're heading to the nursery this weekend to get some fall flowers - I want it all pretty when everyone comes in to town. That's just how I am.

In baby news, we get to see them via ultrasound quite often, every two weeks. We found out at our twenty week appointment with my high risk dr (MFM) that Baby B is 21% bigger than Baby A. Which is a cause for concern, they don't want one baby stealing all the nutrients from the placenta. There really isn't anything they can do but to do another growth check every 4 weeks and see if the size difference is increasing or decreasing and just to monitor closely for twin to twin transfusion syndrome. It was so great to see my babies! I absolutely love seeing them move around so much on the screen. Although, I felt really bad that I enjoyed it so much when my ultrasound tech was getting exhausted from trying to get the measurements she needed. They just wouldn't let her have them! We love seeing our babies that's for sure. But after finding out that information, I got pretty serious on my diet and I hope it helps. I've upped my protein a LOT, I drink at least two protein shakes a day and eat a protein bar. I've also realized it's okay to rest when I need to and I don't deprive myself of any naps. So I'm really hoping there is less of a size difference at the beginning of September when we go back.
Oh! I can also feel my baby boys kicking in there now! It's seriously one of the most amazing feelings in the whole wide world. Indescribable. I could just sit on the couch and feel them and have no desire to watch TV or do anything else, I find myself just getting sucked into my own little world. The past two mornings that I've woken up, shortly after I feel them kicking around as if to tell me "Mommy it's time to get up now" it's such a great way to wake up in the morning, and I love it.

August 28th, 2012
22 Weeks

I've been so busy trying to get the house ready for our family to visit that I completely forgot to finish up my last post!! Oopps! Can I blame this one on pregnancy brain?

Lets see, this past weekend we cleaned up the garden in the backyard, and oh my goodness does it look fantastic! We decided we wanted to go the nursery route rather than Home Depot/Lowe's. We just aren't impressed with their help in the flower section. So. We did it. We went to two nurseries and explained that we wanted to put some hardy, low maintenance flowers, that would either stay around year long or come back. And we wanted to get the most bang for our buck. And for about $80.00 we did it. It costed us way more last time going the Home Depot route, and they all died off and lasted maybe 4 months max. So I'm really impressed. We have butterflies that visit our garden now and it's nice to look out their to see pretty flowers! How can that not brighten your day?!

I picked up things for my hostess gifts this past weekend as well, I'm doing a chocolate basket for my SIL since she is a huge chocolate person and I took my friend Amanda who is co-hosting, out to get a pedicure and I got her her favorite lotion/body wash scent from Bath and Body Works as well as a Starbucks mug and a VIA refresher package. I really hope they both like them. It means a lot that they are throwing me a shower, because I never really thought I would have one. Especially living so far away.

Today we are having a local maid come by and deep clean the house for us, so I don't have to!! She's actually here now and honestly this is the best investment/treat I have ever given myself!! All I have to do tomorrow is steamvac our living room. I'll resweep Thursday morning. But I am so beside myself right now. Honestly, money very well spent!

We had a bit of an adventure on Monday. I had been having some cramps that I thought were just RLP (round ligament pain - your ligaments in your lower hip area have to stretch to support and make room for the baby, or babies in my case) well I took a shower and long story short I thought I was leaking fluid. So I called my OB and they got me in right away. All the tests came back negative for leaking fluid. Both babies heart rates were fantastic. Baby A was at 157 bpm and Baby B was at 153 bpm. We saw them on the ultrasound for a few minutes to check the fluid levels. My OB was a tad concerned about the cramping so they sent me to our hospital for fetal monitoring. Turns out I was having very small irregular contractions. I ended up getting some fluids and a shot to make them stop and we went home. What a scare! I'm just so happy they are okay and still baking in there!

Other than that, things have been relatively quiet around here. Just making progression in the house and decorating/painting more. It's nice to have two solid rooms done. The nursery will get finished up next and eventually the office and master bedroom. Definitely a work in progress.

Time to finish up some work and run some errands! Till next time!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Time is flying by!

August 13th, 2012

19 weeks 6 days

Life has been so crazy busy lately, and time seems to be flying by fast! Which is definitely a change of pace. We had our appointment two weeks ago with our new OB, well the new office, and had our Anatomy scan done and everything was perfectly healthy with both babies! We found out we're expecting two little boys! We're over the top thrilled! We went and registered for the baby showers two weekends ago and then last weekend we painted the nursery and put together the cribs and changing tables! It's so exciting to get things done and see them put together in the nursery!

Baby A and Baby B - 17 weeks 1 day. 

Last Monday our car seats arrived, they were a gift from Erik's mom. My breast feeding pillow also arrived, I chose the My Brest Friend, Double Twins Deluxe thanks to some wonderful recommendations from other moms of multiples, or MoM's. That also arrived. I'm so grateful and excited we got the nursery and the cribs/changing table put together. It's starting to look full in there, I can only imagine how much more full it will be. I'm just glad we can put things in there for them, without having to worry about where we will put the cribs together at, might not seem like a big deal to others but Erik and I do NOT get along when moving furniture. I get the heeby jeebies just thinking about it... ekkk! We also went to a consignment shop, unplanned, last weekend while out and about and I found a $5 pair of Old Navy maternity jeans - ohhhh the comfort!

We have two appointments this week, one tomorrow with our regular OB and one Wednesday with our MFM, which is the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist - my high risk doctor. I'm hoping for another ultrasound to see our baby boys, just because I love seeing them. I'm sure they are going to want to check my cervix length and such.

In other news, Erik and I are joining a Parents of Multiples group here in our area! I think it's going to be a great idea, and a great way to meet other parents and get advice, not to mention make friends and have play dates for the babies.

I can't get over how fast time is flying by! My goodness it's already August! My baby shower is at the very beginning of September, the 2nd. I'm super excited only because I never thought I would actually get to have a baby shower! I know many people won't be there, and it'll really just be a few friends I have here and my sister in laws and the new Grandma's. But I think it'll still be fun. I'm wanting to get pedicures done with my one sister in law who is helping to plan it and then my friend who is also planning it. I'd really like it if my other two sister in laws came and my mom and MIL but I don't know what they all have planned. So - we'll see.

Erik started painting our guest bathroom this morning, and after a funny with the paint it'll be finished up tomorrow. We opted for a grey color, I think it'll lighten up the room more, and it's neutral enough to change out the feel of it and is on the 'boyish' color scale. It will also be the boys' bathroom. The only thing I really need to figure out in there is the storage, I've been using it for coupon storage (stockpiled items) so I really need to figure that out or take over a shelving unit in the Garage for that. We'll see. I'm in this phase right now where everything needs to be organized, painted, cleaned and pretty. I think part of myself is preparing to be on bedrest and knowing I won't be able to do much to help with preparing so - I want it done now. If that makes sense.

I've started to feel little kicks over the past few weeks, and I absolutely love it!! I get so excited every time I feel it, or feel the little flutters of them moving around. Seriously, it's the most amazing feeling in the entire world.

Here is to another week, and to being half way through this pregnancy!! I can't believe how fast it's gone by!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Dr, Dr, Dr..

So yesterday I was just a basketfull of emotions. I woke up in a relatively good mood and then BAM! I was a grouch. I could of ripped off someone's head if I really wanted to. And it started for no particular reason. And then throughout the day just little things annoyed me until Erik went to work. I like having time to myself I'm realizing. Quiet time to work and listen to music. Time to wake up, time to just breathe. So when my husband goes to work, I get that.

We also recieved some news yesterday about the twins and the ultrasound on Monday. The purpose of the ultrasound was to date them to see how they were growing, and to see if they share a placenta - and they do. Which means they are mono/di twins. They are in seperate sacs, so that is a relief. They are definitely identical twins, so we will be having either 2 little boys or 2 little girls. Because they are mono/di twins, we were referred out from base because they don't have the care that we need. Mono/Di means higher risk - because they share the placenta it can cause Intrauternine growth restriction on one of the twins, it isn't promised, but it's a possibility.

The news gave me a slight breakdown. Being raised as a military child I never had to chose my Dr before, and had really good luck. Being a military wife, I didn't chose my Dr or OB care - as it was all on base in the Naval Hospital and had great care so far. So... now I had to pick a Dr for the most important care I would and my babies would recieve! Talk about being overwhelmed! Not to mention our Naval Hospital offered some great classes I wanted to take advantage of, esp the breastfeeding one! So double freak out. Well - it turns out because it wasn't my choice to go out in town for OB care - I can still take advantage of everything on base, especially since my children will be recieving care there as well.

So the taunting Dr search - I looked and looked and looked for hours yesterday and today. And after a slight breakdown, some phone calls to other offices, I think I found the Dr I would like to use. I do have two recommendations for back ups just in the off chance we don't get along so that's good news. I was able to make my new appointment, and will be seen by the new Dr in just about 3 weeks. Phewww!!!

Now I can focus on schoolwork, ordering a book for a class that starts very, very soon. Math homework and housework. Oh and seeing our babies again tomorrow at our NT Scan. Busy time to decide to go back to school, huh? Oh well... life doesn't ever get put on hold I suppose.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Just some rain.

June 26, 2012

12 weeks and 5 days.

We had a great ultrasound yesterday morning! It was completely worth getting up at 5am and fighting the rain of Tropical Storm Debby to get to the Naval Hospital. The tropical storm is doing a fantastic job of flooding out our area! The base was almost under water! But we saw on our ultrasound that our babies sure are active! We even witnessed one of the babies (Baby B) kicking the other baby (Baby A). I couldn't believe they were fighting already!! I also found out that when my bladder is full - it's pressing on Baby A and he/she doesn't like that very much. Baby A is my lower baby, closer to my cervix and Baby B is my high riding baby.
This is our Baby A

And this is our Baby B

It's so amazing how fast they grow! At my ultrasound on June 8th they were barely 3 cm long, and they have doubled in size to a little over 6 cms long now!! Insane!! But we got to see our beautiful babies and their healthy heartbeats. The technician was able to get all the information she needed for the doctor to determine if they share a Placenta or not, which will determine if we are able to deliever at the Naval Hospital. If they share a Placenta we are considered Higher Risk and will be referred to a High Risk OB. But right now - they are perfectly healthy! We have a genetic screening ultrasound on Friday and I can't wait to see them again. I love seeing them! We also have an appointment with a Dr on the 2nd - just the normal 4 week follow up care.

Things here have been relatively quiet, but busy. We had a yard sale over the weekend and were able to sell everything (the twin bed) that was in what will now be the nursery. The only thing left in there at the moment is my Great Grandmother's vanity, which will be moved into the other guest bedroom this weekend. Other than that - the only things that are in the nursery are things we have collected or recieved so far for the babies.

I had a pretty rough night last night. It wasn't because of morning sickness or anything, just emotionally it was a little hard on me. I finally broke down and talked with Erik about how I had been feeling recently. I'm excited and thrilled to be pregnant but it doesn't feel real yet to me. I've heard the heartbeats and have seen them on ultrasounds, I've dealt with morning sickness and food aversions. But it doesn't feel real. Like it doesn't feel like there are actually babies growing in my belly. I think it might be because I've put so much pressure on myself. I'm scared about not being a good enough mom or doing things the right way, I'm also scared about going from being a mom to Jade (our furbaby!) to being a mom of TWO! Erik really reminded me last night that I need to have faith in myself and faith in God and that the rest will just come along. That as long as I listen to my heart, everything will be as it's supposed to be.

Other than that things have been quiet here. Not much has changed in the symptom world, still the every other day throwing up - and I can't go long without eating, or else I'm throwing up stomach acid. Still pretty tired, I did get to enjoy a nap today which was so nice. I'm starting to show a little bit. At almost 13 weeks it's about time something goes on down there. I still don't think I look pregnant, just fuller in my stomach area. No weight change which is good. At least none according to my scale. I haven't been super hungry though - I can eat a few bites of something and I'm full. I also don't care for meat lately. I can do chicken but anything else - yuck. My poor steak loving husband.

That's all thats really going on in the H residence. I hope everyone has a great week!

Thursday, June 21, 2012

So far..

June 19th, 2012
11 weeks 5 days

I find myself lately day dreaming about my babies. What it's going to be like to watch my belly grow, to feeling them move for the first time, to feeling the hiccups, to holding them for the first time.

In so many aspects I'm nervous, nervous about becoming a mom and a MoM (mom of multiples). I don't want to do anything wrong, I know deep down I can't do anything 'wrong' and there is no right or wrong way. I just want to do everything right for my babies. I want to give them everything they need and want, I want to teach them about everything, about life, about God, about math, not neccessarly the birds and the bee's - but hey! I've got plenty of time before I need to worry about that discussion. I want to be the fun mom, I want to take them to the park, take them on adventures, watch the clouds roll by, take them to the beach, take them horseback riding. I want them to help me bake cookies and only have a handful left by the time Erik gets home from work.

I'm rather nervous about how splitting up work and babies is going to work. I know once they get older, I can always work during nap times and once they are in bed. I can let Erik do some of the fun stuff and work during that time. As they grow older, I think it'll be easier, I'm rather nervous on how I am going to handle work once they are born. I'm trying to decide or come up with a plan A and a plan B on how it will work. I'd like to have some sort of plan in place with work when I tell my upper management on how I plan to handle work post delivery. Ideally we had planned on my not working for 4 weeks afterwards and then returning to work (I work at home, so being able to walk/drive/get dressed isn't a neccessity for me) but cutting my hours down from where they are at to 20 hours a week to get back into things and then figure it out from there. Part of me thinks I really need to talk to Erik this morning about the possibility of doing 6 weeks as a back up plan and then returning to work. I just don't want to get myself in too much stress nor not be able to give my body time to heal and get used to being a mom. It's a little overwhelming to think about at the moment. We've been taking extra steps to save more money - setting aside money for christmas and baby items as well as living off of what my paychecks will be once I cut back my hours. So I'm positive it will work out.

I think we're still adjusting our thoughts and expectations to having two babies versus one baby. It isn't that we aren't excited - we're thrilled. But when you decide its time to add a baby into your family, you don't think twins. I'm excited to make the adjustment though, and I think it's going to be an amazing adventure we get to experience!

My morning sickness lately has gotten to be hit or miss. It's about every other day I'm throwing up, which isn't too bad. It's definitely tolerable. There are some day's though that I've been thankful for Zofran. They aren't the throwing up days, but the days where I'm just nauseaous all day and all night long and run to the toliet every 10 minutes because I think I'm going to throw up or because I'm gagging - just to not throw up. Other than that, it's really the same thing still. Exhaustion - I'm always tired all the time. I can't ever get enough sleep. Oh and the bloat. Bleh I hate bloat. It makes me feel huge. I haven't gained much weight so far - but my weight still fluctuates - I've in reality gained 3-4 pounds (which is considered normal) and then on my bad days I've gained 5-6 (which is still slightly normal for twin pregnancies). I've tried to get back into working out and being active again, but I admit when the bed is always calling my name - it's hard. Yesterday I was able to get some yoga in and tomorrow I'm hoping to take puppy dog on a nice long walk and add some yoga into that as well. Maybe today I'll do some Jillian Micheals since I don't have much time. I really want to be healthy and active during my pregnancy.

Craving wise - nothing major really, sometimes I indulge in some macaroni and cheese, salt and vinegar chips, or in some reese cup/brownie/cookie cupcakes. But for the most part - I'm really trying to eat healthy. I went shopping last night and got a bunch of fruit and veggies to eat.

I have started to notice a slight bulge in my pelvic area where my uterus is starting to come above it. Erik noticed it when I was hugging him the other day - I didn't think it was that noticeable. So I guess here starts the belly taking pictures!! We also ordered a fetal doppler online yesterday, which should be arriving tomorrow. It's a device that allows us to listen to the babies heart beats at home. We're both excited to use it and to hear the heart beats for the first time - we've seen them on the ultrasound screen, but we haven't heard them yet. We also are planning on making our pregnancy known on Facebook so all of our friends and extended (not close) family will know if they haven't been told by us already. Just waiting to tell my bosses and then we'll put it out there.

Other than that, we're getting excited to see our babies via ultrasound Monday (the 25th!) and then again on Friday the 29th! Great way to start and end the week!

Here's to eating a bit more healthy this week and being a bit more active!

Life is busy!

June 11th

10 weeks 4 days

Life has been so busy lately, I haven't had time to stop and think let alone sit down and write. It's not been super busy, but busy enough to where when I have time to sit down and relax the last thing I have on my mind is writing. Which - I should change. I really want to do better with journeling about our pregnancy and changes and what's on my mind during this exciting time. Especially since this could be our only pregnancy. (We haven't decided completely yet if we want more than 2 children. Frankly - I'm a little scared to get pregnant again! LOL!

We had an appointment on Friday, the 8th. We got to see our two beautiful babies on the ultrasound screen! So exciting! There was a point where she wanted to get both babies in the picture shot for her records and couldn't. So she asked me to press down near my pelvic bone and showed me how - so I did. and BAM! Baby #2 popped up on the screen after playing hide and seek for a little while. Baby wasn't too happy about it, because you could see his or her arm's and legs just moving like crazy in protest! Brought tears to my eyes and will forever be a moment I'll treasure. Erik got a HUGE kick out of it and still lights up when that moment is brought up. I think that moment really hit home with us, that these are our babies. They look so much more like babies than peanuts now! So insane how fast they grow!

We found out that we are in fact delivering at the Naval Hospital, which is a relief to me. I didn't want to go out in town - esp because the Naval Hospital is the closest hospital to our home! Plus they have some amazing perks - like a lactation consultant and other wonderful things. It's just more comforting, and has a pretty river view. :) The mid-wife did say that because we are having twins we will be monitored every 4 weeks by a Doctor, rarely will we see a Mid-Wife. It bums me out a little bit because she was super nice and friendly! But I'm sure most of the doctors are (on base you won't normally see the same doctor every appointment - it's just whomever can see you first). We also found out after we hit 28 weeks, we will be monitored every 2 weeks. Also - because the MidWife can't date twins - we have another ultrasound set up in 2 weeks to see our beautiful babies. We opted to do the NT Scan (which is a genetic testing scan - they take my blood and then do a level II ultrasound of the twins to detect any abnormalities) the scan isn't 100% conclusive and we won't do any further testing after words. I just thought that 1 - we want to see the babies again and 2 - it would be nice to know what risks we have so we can be a little bit better prepared. So that is scheduled for 2 and half weeks from now.

Everyone at the Naval Hospital were thrilled for us - everyone loves twins! Erik found a twin club in our area that we're excited to get involved in! I plan on emailing them after our dating ultra sound in 2 weeks. Just to be safe. I'll be 13 weeks then - so it just feels right. I'm interested to see what activities they do. I also need to call our Church and see what we need to do to have our babies baptized. But - that'll wait until after the ultrasound as well.

I'm so excited! We plan on doing a yard sale to clean out our bedroom that is going to be the nursery. And we are going to move my great-grandmothers vanity that I have into the guest bedroom.Our wedding items that I am insisting on keeping will be going into the attic and then the room will be all empty and ready to decorate and get ready for the twins!! We were given two crib mattresses by a great friends friend - she had twins and is a fellow Navy wife. They're PCSing to Hawaii (so lucky!) and she gave us a few things! So very sweet of her and the mattresses look brand new! Definitely grateful for that! We also made our first baby purchase this weekend - Pamper diapers! We definitely want to stock up on a good amount and good variety of diapers - and use my couponing to save some money on them! We decided on our first baby item we want - the Baby Trend Double Snap N Go stroller. It's pretty much a stroller frame where you can just snap the infant car seats in to them and go. Easy and quick! I've been reading a ton of reviews and that's the one of the better double car seat strollers you can get. I think we've pretty much decided on the Combi Twin Sport Stroller as well. Even better - the NEX carries it for a good $40 cheaper than out in town! Can't beat that!

Overall - I've been feeling pretty good. I've had a bigger bout of morning sickness (or all day sickness lately) with actually getting sick a handful of times. Other than that not much else has changed. My tata's have grown a full cup size and I can tell that I've put on weight. It mostly comes and goes. Certain day's the weight gain shows more than others. Lovely bloat. Mainly my big symptom is exhaustion. I am ALWAYS tired. I could sleep 12+ hours and still be tired. I've read its because my body is working overtime to grow the placenta(s) - we aren't sure if they're one or two yet - and to grow the babies. But - I'll take some sleep. I love sleeping.

I did have my first craving - for my 2nd Dad's Biscuits and Gravy (I only have 1 real dad - but I have a self adopted 2nd dad who is my old best friends dad, I've known him for as long as I can remember). He makes the best biscuits and gravy ever and that's all I wanted. Obviously living 900+ miles away from home, I couldn't get it - but settled for Tennessee Pride Gravy and some Pillsbury biscuits. I did like the sound of mashed potatoes as well last night to go with our dinner - but it wasn't a die hard craving.

Here's to hoping I get better about sharing this experience and writing it all down. I'm sure one day it'll be so nice to sit down with the twins and share this with them and for myself to look back and see how I was feeling during it all.

8 weeks

May 25th

8 Weeks 1 Day

Oh man how I feel oh so pregnant. The nausea comes and goes throughout the day, and whatever sounds good smells horrible. I'm working on eating better - but my tiny nose seems to not want to agree with my head. I haven't thrown up in over a week - which is good - but sometimes I wish I could just throw up rather than hanging over the toilet and feeling like I want to - but can't. Other than that - my ta-ta's have grown a full cup and still just hurt. It's like this constant nagging pressure that won't go away. Otherwise; other than being extremely tired and a few dizzy spells here or there. I'm good as gravy.

The babies are each the size of a raspberry this week and they are in their very last week as an embryo! Next week they become fetus status. But - I still prefer baby, because that's what they are. So far I've only gained about 2 pounds - which I think is just bloat weight. I've been super bloated. But - I've found that exercising and uping my fiber intake really helps big time, on top of the fact that I drink a TON of water.

My next appointment isn't for another 2 weeks and I can't wait! I just want to see my babies, our babies, and know that everything is okay and that they are growing and doing well. I just feel so blessed and so lucky to be on this journey and I truly can't wait to see how my body changes and grows as our babies grow.

For now - I'm definitely going to treasure every moment and cherish it. Even if it means hanging over the toilet. :) Because that itself means that everything is going how it's supposed to.

I hope everyone has a happy Memorial day weekend - I for sure will hopefully be enjoying some beach time and some grilled food. I just hope everyone can take the time to remember what the weekend is really about - those who passed fighting for our freedom's and rights. Those who died defending our flag and our country. Please keep their families in your thoughts and prayers this coming weekend. I can't imagine their pain and hurt, but I do appreciate - eternally - the sacrifice their loved ones and they have made.

Eventful Wednesday

May 18th,

It's been a hectic couple of days here in the H residence. Since wednesday life has taken a pretty big upside down loop, that the Mr and me weren't quite ready for.

So Wednesday morning I woke up just before 5 soaking in sweat and just that tell tale sick feeling and proceeded to run to the toilet where I pretty much hung out throwing up nothing for 5 hours. Dry heaving, and I literally just shoved crackers and water into my mouth so I'd have something to throw up. It was horrible. Top it off I had a bad migraine that just kept progressing. Thankfully - it decided to be a rainy day so there wasn't any intruding sunlight that made me want to poke my eyes out. If you've ever suffered from migraines, you know what I mean. I figured at first the throwing up was the start of my morning sickness, after all I was 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant on Wednesday. But after 4 hours Erik got concerend. Migraines become unbearable if your dehyrdrated - and when I haven't been able to keep anything down for 5 hours, dehydration becomes a huge possibility and I knew that wasn't healthy for me or the baby. So I eventually caved in to Erik and we headed to the base ER. I knew they'd want to do an IV for fluids and I didn't know what exactly I could take for a migraine because the nurses line didn't answer their phone. So - we went.

The triage nurse kind of pissed me off because she assumed I had a 28 day cycle - pushing me back to 6 weeks 3 days. Umm - not true lady. This gal here has 25 day cycles - and I know our conception date so take that. I ignored her. So this nice Dr comes in to see me. I told him why I was here, I also mentioned that I had been having this cramps around my right ovary for two weeks or so now - normally dull and achy but sometimes stabbing and shooting. But I was here for my migraine and the vomiting. Well, the doctor wanted to just confirm the pregnancy was intrauterine since I hadn't had my first real doctors appointment yet - it isn't for another 3 weeks. So - Erik got to witness a transvaginal ultrasound. If I could of taken a picture of his eyes I would of. Hahahaha! Anyways - so he does confirm that the pregnancy was in fact in my uterus - yay! And then proceeds to ask us "What do you think of twins?" Okay - not comfortable to laugh with a dildo cam up your lady area - just saying. Erik has this HUGE smile and is almost laughing and crying at once and I'm just in pain and ask the Doctor if he is kidding. Nope - We have twins. Two healthy heartbeats and two healthy fetal poles. Twin #1 had a bpm of 140 and Twin #2 had a variable bpm of 120-150.

Baby A is at the side, and Baby B is up at the top - kind of hiding.

So they fix my migraine, give me medicine to take home for that and my nausea and tell us I am having twins.

I'm not going to lie - I was severly panic ridden. Erik was overly excited. When you become pregnant you think about 1 baby. Devoting all your time and love and attention to one child. Being able to give one child everything. One crib, a stroller for one baby - the cute easy to fold ones, 1 car seat (we were planning on downgrading my Jeep to a car until we were ready for another child 3 - 4 years down the road). Financially you prepare yourself for one child. So up until yesterday I was in this panic funk. But it hit me yesterday.
Twins just mean twice as many kisses, twice as many milestones, double the love, double the cute little toes. They'll always have a best friend no matter where the Navy sends us. I'm not sure why I doubted Erik and I and God's plan for us. But I'm really not going to do that anymore. God has a plan, and through him all things are possible. I just need to trust in that.

So - now I can say I'm overly thrilled and so excited. I can't wait to be a mommy of two! It's definitely going to be an upside down adventure, but I can't wait to go on it!


May 14th

We went to Kentucky over the past weekend for my sister-in-law's wedding. The drive up wasn't too bad - outside of the fact that the car we rented had no cruise control, which to us so super weird. Her wedding was beautiful and everything came together perfectly.

We told our parents over the weekend about our growing baby - Erik's on Saturday as a early Mother's Day gift, and mine on Sunday - Mother's Day. We gave them a double hinged picture frame, with a picture of us and our parent's from our wedding day. And on the other side, we wrote a note that said, "Sorry, our next family photo isn't due until January 2013!". We thought it was a cute idea.

Erik's parents were thrilled. His mom was so excited - they've been wanting a grandchild for a couple of years now. And this will be their first grandchild. My MIL did however, get extremely upset when we tried to explain that we didn't want anyone to come down for 2 weeks after the baby was born. And I can completely understand her being upset. I guess my upbringing is really a lot different than Erik's. I didn't see my grandparents except for maybe once a year - they lived 12+ hours away. Erik on the other hand, lived minutes from his grandparents. So he knew them well and visited almost daily. I grew up in a military family, where we didn't have that comfort of being near family, and my children will grow up in that environment - where friends sometimes are closer then family. So I can see why she is upset and she was able to understand my points about how I do not want my baby to be held constantly, or being passed around. I want my baby to not be in a stressful environment and I don't want to have to worry about my appearance days after I have a child. So - we said we would figure something out - which we need to sit down and do sooner rather than later.

My parents just gave us a "Congratulations and We're so happy for you" response. I was kind of hoping for a bit more. But I was tired when we spoke with them, and I could be taking it the wrong way.

I have noticed from the past week or so that I feel extremely over protective of our growing baby. I've always been laid back and go with the flow type of person, and now I feel like I need to be in control of anything pertaining to our baby. I just want what's best, and I feel very set in my ways on what that is right now. I'm sure it's something plenty of first time mom's go through, or at least I would like to think it is.

Nothing really new has been going on here other wise. Just sleeping as much as possible, which isn't hard since I'm tired all of the time. Other than that, same ol thing going on. I did start school back up today. I'm registered in 4 classes, or 13 credit hours. Thankfully, I was able to utilize the MYCAA grant to finish my associates. I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I could finish in December with my AA, or I can push it out until May and take an additional 3 classes of prereq's for my Bachelors that I wouldn't have to pay for. I'm not really sure what I want to do. I know which option is the smarter one, however, I still rather be finished earlier than later. So.. we'll see how it figures it's self out.

24 day's until we get to see our peanut on our first ultrasound. I can't wait to see him or her and hear their heartbeat for the first time. I'm debating on purchasing a doppler to use at home to listen to it, but I'm not sure if I want to spend the $60 on it. When it can be used for something else for the baby, but I'm sure it would be used often. We'll see....

Till next time!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

You + Me = 3

I haven't shared this yet, because we aren't announcing until we get into our second trimester because there are so many things that can and could happen. But I wanted to start writing posts and I'll publish them at a later date. Sorry for any recent MIA status I might of been giving off! I was still here, just writing in secret!

Friday May 4th:
So, we are officially expecting our first baby! We had been TTC for not very long at all, and were extremely blessed to conceive as quickly as we did. I had been charting for 4 months prior, and it's really been helpful with noticing changes in my body.

On Monday, April 23 I was feeling antsy in my two week wait to take a test, I was only ten days past my ovulation date so I really wasn't expecting anything, but thought what the hey. So I took one, and continued about my morning and went to look back at it later. And there it was a very faint BFP (big fat positive). So I thought of ways to tell Erik. Well, I decided I would go buy a gender neutral onsie and a digital test (thanks to a recommendation) and then some cinnamon rolls. I tested again Tuesday with an EPT test and got a negative. Wednesday, April 25th, I woke up early and tested using the digital test (I was 12DPO) and received a very positive "Pregnant" result. So I put the cinnamon rolls in the oven to cook and took a shower, got dressed, and pulled them out, iced them, and put the test in a small gift bag with the onsie. I put the rolls back in the oven and went to wake up Erik.

I told him there was something wrong with the oven and I was trying to cook, and he just had to look. He pulled his half asleep body out of bed, went into the kitchen and stood there and said "I don't hear a noise" and I lied and said, "I think there is a mouse in there, just open it and get it out".
So Erik opened the oven and stared at the cinnamon rolls and proceeded to stare at them for what felt like forever.
He finally looked at me and the conversation went like this:
Me: "There is a bun in the Oven!"
Erik: Stares back at the oven and has this extremely confused/half asleep look on his face.
Then finally looks back at me.
Me: (again!) "There is a bun in the Oven!"
Erik: Looks at me, oh so confused, and then back at the oven. Then it clicked, he looks back at me and says: "You're pregnant?"
Me: Yes!
Erik: How do you know?!
Me: Giggling, Gives him the gift bag
Erik: Pulls out the test and the onsie, and just stared at it. He finally came and gave me a hug and held and kissed me for what felt like forever.
I also want to add that about two hours after I had woken him at 7am from a dead sleep (Erik works nights right now and we're hoping it'll stay this way for a bit) that I found him in bed using my touchpad to look up family sedans. It was seriously the cutest, most touching thing, and really made me fall more in love with him. I hope our child really has his thoughtful, patient, caring personality.

It's so nice that Erik was home and that I was able to tell him about this in a creative, cute way. To see and think about the expression on his face and the emotions, just bring tears to my eyes. Just seeing pure happiness on his face, and excitement means the world to me. I'm so happy, and so excited! I'm so grateful that it happened so quickly and easily. I know there are so many women out there who struggle and my heart breaks for them.
I was able to call the Naval hospital later that day and we went in the next morning to have it confirmed. And it was. So we are really pregnant! It's almost surreal. Like it doesn't feel as if anything has changed, it's not noticeable and won't be for a while. It's also so, so very exciting. I do get a little anxious at every cramp I feel, and just pray that everything is okay and growing properly. I pray every day actually. Even though it's too early for our little peanut to hear me, I talk to him or her already. And tell him or her that I just want them to be healthy. That's all I want, is a healthy baby.

I just pray that I can do it all. I'm not so worried about the labor, caring, and teaching baby aspect. But the pregnancy aspect. Maybe because I've been exposed to friends who have miscarried, that I understand it's a real possibility, and that I could be in that 20-25% of women who miscarry. I also just want to provide the best for our little peanut. I want him or her to be completely healthy. I'm looking forward to the changes, and the symptoms. It'll make it feel more real. Right now there isn't much going on symptom wise, and while it's nice and I do appreciate it, it's a little hard to feel 'pregnant'.

We had our baby orientation today, on May 4th, and they showed us a DVD of a growing baby and we filled out our OB charts. We also filled out information for Fleet and Family services. There is a baby budgeting class we are going to attend that the Navy Marine Corps Society does. It was nice to get all the information today. I was a little nervous, because I don't know any one here personally who has given birth at the Naval hospital here in Jacksonville. But I feel a bit better now that I know what to expect at certain appointments. That's what I was in the nerves about the most I think. So, we go back in just about a month for our first real OB appointment. I'll be 10 weeks along then, so I'm hoping we'll be able to hear the baby's heart beat at the appointment. I think hearing that will really put away some of the anxiety's I have. But for now, I am just going to enjoy this, and the emotions, and think positively about the future.

But, that's whats going on here! I'm so excited and I can't wait to tell everyone, but I know it will be another eight weeks until then. 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

It's a life style change

For those of you who don't know, I've been trying to really change my food life, and well my health life too. This started back in November or so, and frankly I've come a pretty long ways in my book. When I started off the year in 2011 I weighed 154lbs. Embarrassing and fatter than a cow in my book. At my wedding on March 3rd I weighed 120 lbs. And I was happy.

I always do really well, and then just kind of slack off. But, I'm for the most part sticking with it. I've done a good job of incorporating more healthy and fresh food into my life versus processed. I never was a big soda person, but that's completely cut out of my life. Energy drinks are a water based Crystal Light packet - with only 60 mg of Caffeine in it. I eat a ton of greek yogurt, which I love. Grapefruit, celery, whole grain food. I also take my Prenatal vitamin that is food based, and has my daily serving of certain vitamins/minerals that make me crave chocolate. Which helps.

I do pretty well with food choices. Because I feel better when I eat right, and eat smart. I feel good. Once I am into a good routine I am good about working out. But, my routine slacked after the wedding. I at least went to the gym on our cruise some but it's not been spectacular. Maybe twice a week I make it to the gym or do a workout. This is where I need to get better. So I'm hoping that by blogging about it, will help keep me committed.

I've noticed also, that when I am eating right and working out, my anorexia thoughts are almost completely gone, the thoughts of "I am a COW", "Oh my gosh, do not take off my shirt, I am too fat", "How can you even think you're beautiful at all, just look in the mirror" No - I'm really not taking this to an extreme, this is really what goes on in my head. So I'm really going to make a habit to stay active, and keep up with this new lifestyle. Because for the first time in a longggg time I am happy with myself and my body.

So here it is my goal, my measurements and my current weight. I plan on updating this weekly. I don't plan on doing pictures, because frankly I don't feel comfortable. But.. I will take a few and keep them and when I feel comfortable I will share them.
My Goal - Maintain exercise. Eat healthy, work out daily.
Form of workout: Jillian Micheals 30 day Shred (she's killer), and NY and Co Ballet Workout 1 & 2. Occasional gym sesh.

Upper Thigh (fattest part)- 21"
Lower Thigh (above knee) - 17"
Upper Arm (before arm pit) - 11"
Hips: 37"
Waist: 29"
Weight: 127 lbs.

So.. we'll see how I am doing next Tuesday.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Our Wedding

Just like any bride would say, my wedding day was simply the best day of my life so far. It wasn't necessarly because everything went perfectly, because it surely didn't. But it was because it was the day that the love of my life and I were joined together as one in God. I wouldn't say I'm the most outward religious person, but that my friends, was the most powerful moment of my life.
We surely had hiccups, my mother and I argued most of the day. My day of cordinator forgot to pat down my dress after bustling it, so I had 'wings'. We were under a tornado watch, we were running late, they lost the prayer of the faithful we had written. And who knows what else I am forgetting to mention. But - in all it was perfect for us. We had the most amazing photographers in the whole world who were able to capture everything. We had our close family there, and we couldn't ask for more than that.


Obviously not all of the pictures, but pretty much sums it up. I'll post some details later if anyone is interested. But pretty much everything came together pretty exactly how I imagined it. And at the end of the day, we were married - which was all that mattered.

Married life is amazing, I love waking up to my husband every day. I love saying husband, I love hearing my new last name, I love seeing Mrs. It's so exciting and new. Granted, we lived together before we were married, and nothing has changed, but everything just feels so much more powerful now. Not that we didn't love each other before, but, it's just stronger I feel.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Our future..

Despite all the crazyness that I may lead on to believe is my life, I am pretty normal too. Everyone has struggles, trials, tribulations. It's life, it's the beauty in it.

Things happen, but you have to move on from it. Take it as it is, and go on. Make the best of it, and learn from it. I know - coming from the girl who complains and cries a lot, but it's true. And I'm really going to do my best in living up to my words better.

That being said, my wonderful husband and I are planning on starting our own family. We're not necessarily trying to concieve, but we aren't trying not to either. We're just, having fun and enjoying life and the days we have with each other. If it happens it happens, God has a plan for us and we're just letting him guide us along the way. We would love if it happened right away, but if it doesn't then that's perfectly okay too. This is one experience I do not want to put pressure on, nor expectations.

A lot of people I'm sure will judge us for wanting to really start our family so soon after getting married, and I really don't feel like justifying it to anyone. Erik and I are perfectly happy together, just us two. We've been through a lot as a couple, and have spent 4 years together - while he was deployed for a lot of it, we learned a lot about each other. We wouldn't of gotten married if it were different. We know we will be together for the rest of our lives, we don't believe in divorce and I can garuntee you that I would do anything to better our relationship. We have less than 2 years till Erik becomes deployable, so for us - it was a matter of either trying now, knowing that we need to be trying for a year before consulting a doctor, or do we want to wait an additional 5-6 years for a child. Neither one of us do, and it would be completely selfish to try for a baby while on sea duty. Regardless, it's in God's hands now - and that's how I plan on keeping it.

On the topic of shore and sea duty. I briefly talked some time before about how it was hard to get used to Erik being home all the time, but I absolutely love it. It really did take some time to get used to him being around all the time, and getting used to asking him to do things. I know its going to suck when he leaves again, but I can't let myself think like that. Instead, I take advantage of having him home and enjoy it. There comes a point where you can only plan so much around it. By all means we are going to try to have Erik home for all of our future childrens firsts, but if it doesn't work out that way, there is surely a rhyme and reason and there are also camera's created for that reason.

So anyways.. that's whats new post wedding. I can't wait to share wedding pictures with everyone!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

As much as I want to talk about my beautiful wedding day, I'm going to wait until I actually have pictures to post. But there is something I want to talk about, and while it isn't as lovely as my wedding it surely is something I need and want to talk about.

Addiction is a really tricky subject and situation. A lot of issues arise not only just for the addicts, but for their family and friends as well. I've always been a huge Intervention fan - but I don't feel like it really displays a lot on the subject sometimes. Then again, it is just a TV show.
I feel like family members struggle just as much as the addict does. It's a hard situation to be in. Knowing that the person you love and care about are struggling with a problem, that takes years and years to fix and will never truly be fixed completely. There will be scars and tendencies to fight for the rest of their life. As a family member, its hard to struggle with how to handle things the 'right' way. You want to help your loved one, but you don't want to enable them. You want to put your foot down, but you don't want to lock them out completely.

My brother struggles with addiction, and has for quiet some time now. Originally it was just alcohol - at such a young age it was quiet sad and it was thought that he would out grow his reasons to drink. Eventually it's just grown, and spiraled out of control. Turning into adderal, and marijuana and still alcohol, and to my knowledge and thoughts pain medications as well.

It's hard, it's hard to sit back and not be able to fix anything, to be so frustrated and there is just nothing you can do regarding it. It's also hard to not blame yourself, to understand that that person made those choices that got them there, you didn't force them to do anything and although you may of exposed them to doors, you never opened them and pushed them through those doors. It was them who did that. It's hard to understand that and to come to terms with that. Especially as an older sibling and as a female, where we want to take the blame and fix things, or at least I do. I want to blame myself for not being a better role model, for not hanging around with a better group. I want to change the rebellious stage and the bad things I have done, to take it all back, and to of never done so. But that can't happen. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that it isn't my fault that my brother is where he is in life, I didn't make him drink nor did I make him smoke nor did I make him take pills. I didn't force him into that. There are paths off of paths off of paths in life and while I may have exposed him to those paths off of paths, I never pushed him down those paths. That was his choice.

Addiction is a nasty disease, it literally takes the person that they were and turns them into something they aren't. They aren't the same caring person they once were, although they may be in the same body. If that makes sense. It's like they turn into this demon, becoming mean at times - lashing out on others when they can't get that high that they are seeking, manipulating people to get something they need - food, a ride, money. There is zero motivation to better themselves.
It becomes frustrating, quickly. You see the path they are going down and no matter how hard you try to pull them in the other direction or help them or find resources. They won't change unless they come to the reality that their is a problem with how they are living and what they are doing. It's been said time and time again, you can't make someone change unless they want to and it couldn't be more true.

Addiction has a way of ripping families apart, and it isn't necessarily because of the dangers of drugs, but rather the frustration and enabling. My mother and I struggle to maintain a good relationship because of my brother. My brother has always been the one that was given more attention, at least in my book. He is the middle one, and was always more emotional. I do know that he was more favored by my mom. But back to what I was getting at. My mother - no matter how much I try to explain it to her - doesn't understand that my brother has a serious problem, maybe she does, but she won't stop trying to protect him and she won't stop enabling him. She always will take his side, and stands between him and my father, gives him money, rides, food. I think a lot of the reason why my mother continues to enable him, is because she's concerned that if she doesn't something awful might happen, but also because she has her own struggles with addiction.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012


Oh my lanta, has it been forever and a day since I have been able to blog!

So things here have obviously been super crazy, I was so caught up in house work, work, RCIA classes, and wedding planning that when I did have time to blog and started typing - I just never finished. I promise I will post/work on those unfinished projects soon - I need to for my own good.

I just wanted to hop on and write something short, and share some wonderful news. After almost 8 months of wedding planning, and all that hellious stress it entails. Erik and I were married in front of God and all of our wonderful friends and family, on Saturday March 3rd! We leave for our honeymoon at the end of the month and we are both just so excited for this new chapter together!!

I won't say the day went off without a hitch, because there were definitely hiccups, but it was perfect for us and it was worth every night and day I was stressed and overwhelemed. So now we are just enjoying each other and newlywed life!!

I promise to give a real update soon, and to share pictures when we have some!