Thursday, September 13, 2012

A little secret

September 13th, 2012
24 weeks 2 days

I have a little secret, or rather confession that I should probably let out in the open by now. I was telling Erik about it last night and while I don't think vocalizing it will change how I feel, it'll be nice to have it out in the open. I'm not sure why exactly I feel this way, but I do think it's a common feeling many mom-to-be's have.

So, the secret - I really, really wish I could keep my babies in my tummy forever. Not because I'm super comfortable, I'm starting to get to the point where I am becoming uncomfortable. It isn't because I want to feel their kicks forever, I do love feeling them move and kick! But because I don't want to share them!! Obviously, I will love sharing them with Erik. But, I just don't want to share them with anyone else. Plus, I feel like as long as they are in my belly (anyone else say that in the Fat Bastard "Get in my Belly" voice? Nope.. just me.. okay, moving on then.) As long as they are in my belly, they are protected and safe from anything and everything. Nothing can hurt them, no one can say mean things to them, they can't fall down and scrap their knees, and they can be protected from all the violence going on in the world.

There wasn't really a "trigger" or a cause to why I feel this way, I just do. It wasn't caused by the recent events going on in Lybia, Yemen, or anywhere else (I feel like this is still an up and rising story and things are changing so fast.) But those events do not certainly give me the warm fuzzy feeling. It is becoming extremely terrifying almost that there is so much violence and hate going on in the world. It's all well out of anyone's control and all we can do is pray about it. Thankfully, Erik isn't at risk for deploying and I truly count my blessings and lucky stars for that. I know there are so many military families who are just waiting for that call that might/might not come any day now.

I just worry about everything now. I worry about when my boys are older having to explain what happened on September 11th, 2001 when so many innocent people lost their lives in a horrid act of terrorism. I worry about having to explain to them why their Daddy is going away for deployments. I worry about the future, the uncertainty that our country faces right now. I worry about so many things. I truly know deep down, that all of this is out of my control, I have no control over any of my worries. I know worrying won't solve anything and that I just need to truly place my faith in God and He will make sure we are all alright.

But I still worry, I was thinking about the future last night, and the idea of passing my babies to someone else to hold gives me almost some sort of anxiety. I don't want them to snuggle with anyone but me and Erik. Is that selfish? Yeah, it is. Do I care? Nope, not at all. They are my little boys.  I'm sure these feelings and emotions will change when I've been awake for 20 hours and they are still screaming but right now, I'm okay with that. I think it's a normal feeling for any mother, especially a first time mom-to-be to have.

I know the day will come when they will make their appearance, and the day will come where I will share them with family and friends. But until then.. I am going to just enjoy having them all to myself and enjoy having them in my belly.

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