Monday, February 28, 2011

Remote! Where are you?!

So no more depressing posts about my emotional ramblings about moving. I need to just be positive and practice what I preach. Really start looking at it as an opportunity rather than a death sentence, although I haven't been looking at it like a death sentence, I haven't been looking at it in a positive light either. So no more, I tell you! At least till I'm down there, I kid I kid.

So we have a remote crisis! We always loose the stupid bedroom TV remote. No joke, like a nightly basis its a "Where's the remote? I don't know you had it last. No you had it last." type thing. It's pretty funny.. Erik doesn't think so though. But I find it hilarious.

Oh and on another note, I think I decided that during this time away from school I am really going to try to look into things I enjoy. Lately, it has been photography. It's just really interesting to see what you can capture forever, just the whole single moment.

Well it is off to bed for me!
Happy Monday night everyone!

Up, Down, Side to Side

Oh my goodness gracious. Life is hectic, emotional, and beautiful. Yes, a random combination I know but its true - well to me it is. I am finishing up my last few days of class before the first eight weeks are over, I will be done March 4th and unfortunately won't be going back until August. I am honestly, a little bummed about it, school is constant and it challenges me. So unfortunately I am being forced to take a break until August. My parents and I have been fighting a little bit lately, which truly isn't anything new its something that has always occurred. I am really making the effort to be a better person, to just swallow my pride and deal with it. Be the bigger person and just make the best out of the upcoming weeks. It's so scary to think tomorrow is March. Last year I would have been thrilled for this, it meant sending out another care package, and it was another month down. This year, I am terrified. Emotionally, I have been all over the place. It isn't fun. I can never make out what my mood is going to be an hour from now, and I can't stop myself from crying anymore. I cry at the drop of a pin lately it seems.
I don't know. Things are so all over the place.
But on the positive side, I just have to remember all I am being blessed with and that life is beautiful. God doesn't give us more than we can handle (although the Navy tries to sometimes). We went to the Berkley Plantation home yesterday with Carlyn and her husband. It was a perfect day, gorgeous weather, and the plantation is beautiful. It would really be ideal for an outdoor wedding. (and why yes, if you didn't guess it, I surely hinted at that) But it was beautiful and it was a perfect day. We finally ate at Cheddars, we've been saying for a year now that we would go, and we did. Boy was it yummy!

I really think I need to just start rolling with the punches, I try, but I have never been that great at it. Things are getting crazy and instead of being uptight over everything that isn't going right (including the mess of an apartment - so many boxes!!) I should focus on what I have and be grateful. I've had a little bit more wine than I'd like to admit this weekend. I was going really good too, not that I am concerned about my alcohol intake, I am just trying to monitor my consumption and see how it affects my weight. Although, according to Cosmo, a glass of wine a day (or two for women) is extremely beneficial in weight loss. But who holds their breathe on that. Also, I finally received a call from my GYN appointment regarding my labs and they mentioned a hormone called, Prolactin, was elevated. So I had to call my endocrinologist regarding that, and hopefully it isn't anything serious. Just waiting for a call back now.. fun.

So, hopefully things get easier to swallow soon. This emotional roller coaster has got to end. I really just can't take it much longer. Hopefully the rest of the week improves and I can just come to terms with the opportunity we are being given, and learn how to deal with the leaving home aspect.

I hope everyone had a great Monday.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

This is America

So I know most of my posts lately have been a little depressing and aren't on the brightest notes. But I am trying and this is the way I get things out. Sometimes I just can't tell Erik everything I am feeling, I'm a girl I have like a thousand emotions a day and sometimes just writing them out is helpful enough and I feel better.

But today I am going to speak about something that truly gets under my skin about some people. We live in an amazing country. Where our founding fathers based it on the simplest of beliefs, freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of press, and our freedom to 'bear arms'- or in current words - own guns. I don't think people truly ever really appreciate what we have. I don't think I ever really did until the revolutions in other countries started happening. I truly think we really take for granted what we, us as Americans, have. We really need to be more thankful that we live in such an amazing place. Granted, there are people who hate us - but that is not anything new - Thomas Jefferson discovered the issues that would arise with Islamic nations in the middle east hundreds of years ago. They are raised with different ideologies as us, different beliefs as some. But that's a little off the topic. Look at Egypt, they had to over throw their government because the president had been in their too long, a whopping 30 years. We complain about our president after a year or so. Granted, I don't like our current president. However, there are guidelines built up within our government preventing one person from being president for too long. We are lucky to have the freedom's that we have.  Too often do we take being able to state our thoughts and opinions for granted, or the fact that we can attend which ever service we'd like to on Sunday, without being attacked. There are so many others who have it worse, who sleep with one eye open because they are afraid for their well being. And why they sleep with one eye open, people complain about hearing jet noise day in and day out. Well, too me I love the 'noise' it is the sound of freedom, I actually feel safe hearing it. Those men and women are flying day and night to make sure we get a peaceful nights sleep. And yet some complain about it. I think many Americans need to realign their priorities, I'm not saying I am better than anyone else by any means. But I do think that many people are forgetting what truly is important, and what isn't quite as important. I know that I can sit in my home on Thursday night watching Jersey Shore because of the men and women defending our country to keep her safe. I truly think our founding fathers would be disappointed in our generation, heck they are probably turning over in their graves as we speak. It is important for everyone to realize what is important. What is worth getting your panties in a bunch? Would you rather hear your neighbors walking above you all night or would you rather have your rights to be taken away? We are so quick as a society to complain, but not quite to give gratitude. Why? Truly, it is disappointing. I would rather have the right to say how I feel, the right to post how I feel, the right to own my beautiful Smith and Wesson 40 M&P Edition.
Next time you want to complain about that Jet Noise, think of this. Those in Libya right now, fear the noise of jets because they will be shot for protesting their leader. Our jet noise is to keep us safe, to allow us to protest our government should we feel as if they are not doing their job. Our jet's aren't being sent out to kill protesters, they are flying over to protect American citizens.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


It seems as if I am struggling with everything lately. We've done a lot of packing and the apartment is a complete mess, which I hate, and I know everything we do is essentially an accomplishment. But I'm struggling. I'm struggling to have the desire to want to get things done, struggling staying on top of school work. Heck I haven't even registered for the next 8 week classes for Florida.
I'm not sure why everything has been so hard this week, I can barely pull myself out of bed. I don't want to work, I don't want to eat, really and honestly I don't want to do anything. It really scares me. I just really want to give up some days.

I'm not sure why all of a sudden I am feeling like this. It's like everyday is a battle. I haven't gone to hot yoga in like a week. I really need to go, I felt so much better about myself and felt like a better person. Erik hasn't been helping much either. He doesn't ever seem to want to clean up after himself nor does he want to help around the apartment. It really isn't hard to keep a one bedroom apartment clean, but with him its as if I am constantly playing catch up. I don't have time to clean up after him all day, I work 30 hours a week. I have responsibilities. If I have to constantly clean up after him now, whats going to happen once we get into a bigger home? Ughh... I just don't know anymore. I try so hard and get no where. Its the most frustrating thing. I don't ever have time to myself anymore, especially since I haven't been to yoga, and that was my escape. I am either working, doing school work, or cleaning. I guess I am just frustrated and irritated. I will definitely be making my way to yoga tomorrow and hopefully things will get better here soon.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Moving emotions and Anxiety.

Wow - this weekend hit me hard, really HARD. My going away party was Saturday night, just something small at my neighbor's house. It was fun and will be more than ever appreciated. We started really, really packing yesterday. And I counted the days that we had until we really needed to get everything packed up, and it hit me. There are like 18 days until the move, give or take just a few. I couldn't believe it. And then I woke up this morning, and saw the mess and saw the boxes and reality hit me like a brick wall.
I'm so worried about everything, so worried about leaving, so sad about it all. I feel as if I am loosing part of me rather than going on an adventure. My family and I are pretty close, and they mean the world to me. And it terrifies me that I am leaving them. I won't be 15 minutes down the road. I won't be able to go home to my mommy and have a hug on a bad day. And that in itself kills me.
I guess blindly, I thought this is supposed to be an exciting time, a happy time, an adventure for the both of us to be on our own. But right now, for whatever reason I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Why is it that everyone else can just willingly pack up and move, and be happy and excited? Why is it that for everyone else its this big wonderful adventure? How come I am the only one it seems to feel as if I am losing everything? Maybe others aren't as public about it? It would just be nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and that moving is actually terrifying.
There is just so much going on at once, and I feel so guilty about leaving my family behind. I know that this is our time and that yes they are happy for me. There are just so many emotions and I really don't know what to do with them.

I guess I just need to know I'm not alone in feeling like this, that I'm not being selfish because I'm not completely ecstatic. Don't get me wrong I am super thankful that I have the opportunity to move, the opportunity to see new things and meet new people. But part of me is still really sad that I'm leaving my life behind, my family, and some really amazing friends.

I just hope I can get this figured out soon, what to do with these emotions, and how to handle them. Because these anxiety attacks aren't fun and I just want to feel like I am doing the 'right' thing, and be excited about it. Although, deep down I don't think I will truly be excited about it until we are down there.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Beautiful Day!

It is an absolutely gorgeous day out! Oh my, I think today is going to be amazing. I woke up all early, took a shower early and even put make up on. And am baking Is it Better than Sex? Cake. Super yummy. I even got the first official box packed. I'm trying to do this moving/packing thing smartly. So clothes that aren't worn often or much are getting packed first, and the kitchen will be the last thing packed. It makes sense to pack up the things that aren't being used often first, and the common items last. I'm really, really striving to be positive about this and look at the perks and not the downfalls. And I've convinced myself that I am just providing my family a great vacation home. -When dealing with deployments you learn mind games, so why not make them useful afterwards?

But anyhow, I really think today is going to be a good day. I am hoping to go shooting with Erik this afternoon, and I need to go to the store and find a cute outfit for my going away party tomorrow night.

Oh! I almost forgot, my book that I ordered came in. I ordered, "Confessions of a military Wife" by Mollie Gross and it is absolutely hilarious! So funny and truthful. I absolutely love it, and it's definitely a book to recommend to all my military girls. It actually turns out the writer, Mollie, is from Virginia which really makes it easy to relate to. I'm about half way through it already and it came in yesterday. Hahaha! What can I say I read fast. But my favorite expert from it, is actually about Virginia girls, "I am from Virginia. We are not slow enough to be southern or rude enough to be Yankee. We are like the porridge that Goldilocks chose, 'cuz we're just right!' Virginians are just country snobs. We wait till you leave the room to talk trash about you because it would be rude to do so in front of your face. This is not two-faced behavior; it is being polite" I really couldn't of ordered the book at a better time.

Anyhow, time to get back to work and enjoying this beautiful day. And finish up the baking I started. Have a great Friday!

Thursday, February 17, 2011


So I am late on the Valentine's wishes.. I hope everyone had a great day. It was actually our first valentine's day together so it was pretty exciting, I guess. We celebrated it on Sunday pretty much, went to see "No Strings Attached" which was hilarious and then went to dinner at Bonefish which was super yummy. I love my bang bang shrimp. Then stopped at Petsmart to pick up somethings for funny bunny. We got her a ball, that has a bell in it which is made for her to chew on (believe it or not, rabbit's teeth never stop growing, so they chew to grind their teeth down) and she absolutely loves it and plays with it all day long - score! We got her a hammock, and she doesn't really get what its used for.. just sort of hides under it. We've tried putting her in it, and it didn't work out well. - Oh well, we did try. I had a horrific hormonal migraine on Monday, and Erik came home on his lunch break and brought me gorgeous flowers. Super duper sweet of him.

I had my CT scan last night at Portsmouth naval, and managed to sneak out of the hospital with that nasty oral contrast drink, and went to the mall with Carlyn - she totally rescued me GI style. And had an absolute blast. Definitely one girl I couldn't live with out, a great friend by far and totally a partner in crime. The CT scan went fine, they said they got good pictures. Oh and my old best friend, who is pregnant, the one who has always gotten everything she's ever wanted, from this baby to anything she ever asked for in the past, had her baby yesterday. A healthy baby boy, and granted I am supposed to be happy for her. But needless to say it lead to a complete breakdown. The more signs and symptoms I get the more it looks like it's leading towards endometrosis. Which terrifies me. Erik doesn't really understand my fears so much.. for me, not being able to have children is a death wish. A little over dramatic but I really just don't care. All I have ever wanted to be is a mom, a great mom who does everything for her children. And the idea that it might be the biggest struggle in the world, especially for something that is supposed to come so naturally (by this I mean pregnancy) it absolutely terrifies me.

On top of this school has been hectic, I am trying so hard to keep it together these last two weeks but its been crazy. And I have yet to sign up for classes in Florida - I know I know, shame on me. Its just so much at once right now, so much to do, so little time.

I'm really really trying to have a positive outlook on this move, a time for us to really get to know each other, a time for adventure and excitement, new things, new people. I feel bad, like I am robbing Erik of his excitement, like making him second guess it. I know it's all in my head, and he doesn't feel like that but still. I'm a girl, I worry. I just need to bite the bullet and get excited I guess. Start looking at it from different ways. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I didn't choose to fall in love with him, but I am choosing to move with him. So that's on me - and I can't keep throwing it in Erik's face it isn't fair to him at all. So Operation Get Excited is in motion thanks to Carlyn - who is coming to visit in April. Thank Goodness!!! I'm just the type of person who needs to have excitement to look forward to. This summer is going to be busy, a lot of traveling, a lot of projects and hopefully graduating with my AS.

But time to get back to work - and get some homework done. I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the week!

Friday, February 11, 2011


I have some confessions to air out..
First one being - I am absolutely terrified out of my mind. Yes, mainly about the move. Do you really blame me? Before I get my butt torn a new one by someone let me explain. I have lived just about every bit of my life in Virginia Beach, for the past 17 and a half years this has been my life, my home. My friends are here, more importantly my family is here. I have gone through so much and it all ties to this area. I've just never been so absolutely terrified. For pete's sake its almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I've never been the girl who pities herself, or crys herself to sleep quietly so I don't wake Erik up. But lately.. that's who I've been. I hide behind this 'badass' persona to convince myself that I can do it. When in fact I am terrified out of my mind. I have to get it out somewhere, and its hard to explain to Erik how I'm feeling. He tries and I know he is being so patient, but he doesn't quite grasp it. I never was that girl who wanted to be with a military man, I never was that girl who wanted nothing more than to leave my hometown, I never even really thought about moving away until I meet Erik. And granted now I am that girl, and I love him with all my heart, truly I do, but it's so much harder emotionally than I ever imagined. I understand he's moved, but its a different type of move. It was his choice, he knew enlisting would send him away, and he embraced it. I on the other hand, didn't know love was going to take me so far away from my home.
Part of me is still very insecure about my left eye. For those of you who don't really know, since I was little (my mom swears it happened when i caught scarlet fever at age 3) my left eye is paralyzed. It doesn't really move, and after so long I do a great job faking it. I was ruthlessly teased as a child, and it's not like I don't mind explaining it, the real name for it is Dwayne's Retraction Syndrome - and I look nothing like the freaky pictures the websites show. I'm so terrified about living with the whole, is so and so going to think I'm a weirdo because of my eye. It hurts to know that the way strangers few me, isn't the way I'd hope they would. And first impressions are key...
I'm just so terrified, terrified of everything. Letting my family down, letting my friends down, letting Erik down. I just want everyone to be happy and to be proud of me, and to just be the best person I can be. But I am terrified that I'm just not strong enough for this. I hate the idea of being so far away from my mom, whats going to happen when all I need to make me better is her - I can't expect her to jump on the next flight down to Jacksonville. It's bad enough I'm having panic attacks over it now, what's going to happen a month from today??
I'm so god damn scared, I hate this feeling. I hate not feeling like I can do anything, I can get through anything. I hate crying at 1 in the morning because I don't want Erik worrying about me. I hate thinking about everything I am going to miss. I hate thinking about telling two amazing little boys I've watched grow up since one was 3 and the other was 6 months old that I am moving to Florida. I hate thinking about leaving my friends, who've actually been there for me through thick and thin. I hate knowing in just a few weeks it's going to be a reality. I hate this. I don't like feeling this way, and frankly nothing I do can stop it. I hate knowing that I am going down there so soon, and there is no way of knowing whether or not its the right thing to do. It feels right, but I just want to know. And I know there is no way of knowing with out taking a leap of faith... I just want to be happy and excited, instead of secretly crying to myself in the middle of the night.

Second confession - I have been a horrible girlfriend lately, not cleaning hardly, not cooking. I just don't feel like it, on top of being sick. I guess I am just sick and tired of playing maid..

Maybe the bed is calling my name... I'm not sure. I'm tired, and can't sleep. Thoughts just keep pouring over my mind, I really shouldn't of started packing today, I don't like doing things last minute. Maybe retail therapy tomorrow can help a bit? A new pair of heels always helps my mood.

Hopefully I will get some sleep.. have a good night.


One Month

In one month exactly, I will be driving south on 95 towards Jacksonville, Florida. Sounds exciting, but then why am I scared out of my mind? All I want to do is stop time, keep it from moving and I can't. I just want it to stand still, I want to enjoy every little thing here... and there isn't enough time. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to do this, strong enough for the military lifestyle of moving around, and making "home" where the Navy sends us. I've never really fealt like this, deployments seem like nothing right now. I've never been so absolutely terrified before. I've never second guessed my own strength before, or what I am and am not capable of. It's not like I am second guessing my relationship, I've never been more sure of doing something. I just wasn't prepared for being so positive and with out a doubt willing to give it all up and move for him, would bring along so many fears. Oh emotions... how you love to pile it on. I just can't help but wonder am I strong enough for this?

On another note, I finally got in to see my PCM (primary care doctor, for non-military. fancy terminology they like to have) and I have a CT scan pending. Once that gets done, I will have more answers. For now they told me its more than likely an ovarian cyst but it could be endometrosis. Which is pretty scarry, its not an automatic infertility statement, but its close. It won't show up on the CT scan but the ovarian cyst will. I'm just trying to ignore it until I have a yes or no or a this is whats wrong. It hasn't really left me with a set amount of answers but its better than nothing in my opinion. I rather know whats going on than not know at all.

I've been feeling better though, thanks to claritin d. Thank goodnesss. I got my first real nights sleep in about two weeks ago, and let me tell you what it was amazinggggg. Aside from that, nothing really new is going on. Trying to keep up with school and trying to get it all done in such a time crunch. But that's about it...

I hope everyone has a great rest of the day.


Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Happy Pills. :)

Okay, so now that I am not in pain for the first time in two weeks I'll go ahead and give everyone an update. So I went for my GYN appointment, and left as clueless as I went in, and needless to say I am pretty upset about it. I guess I was hoping for some answers, clear answers, letting me know why things are the way they are and just some good old reassurance that in the future when I do decide to have a family, well, things will be okay. I've always been slightly really worried about the chance that I won't be able to have issues. I mean, seriously, what 15 year old has ovarian cysts that rupture? Maybe more than I know, but I think its not normal. But needless to say, the doctor drew some blood, examined me, and sent me on my way, only saying that it was my birth control that is causing things, which I don't believe is true. I guess maybe, I should forewarn everyone who may read this, that I am sorry if I provide TMI, I am just an open person, and well this blog is for me to get my feelings and emotions out in the open, rather than bottling it up inside, so if it bothers you than I apologize. But anyways, the next morning I woke up in pain, and have been in pain since. Mainly it was on my right side around my right ovary, and now its spread to my left side. I've been fighting tooth and nail to be seen and have probably done too much research on webmd for my own good. But I don't have answers, and unfortunately, I don't think the doctors know whats causing it either. Instead I've just been told to deal with it until next month and if it doesn't get better than we will go from there, well next month is moving month so needless to say, that's frustrating. But in the mean time, I am on happy pills, with a professional name called, Fioricet.
Other than that I have been super duper busy with work and school. School is crazy busy right now. I'm taking 3 8 week classes, which is a 16 week class condensed in half the time, so that's super stressful. On top of that I have been trying really hard with work, to do better, push myself harder and just do my best. So I've been working a little bit longer. I've been doing this thing called hot yoga. Which I love, absolutely love it. I feel great doing it. I sweat a lot, and just feel so much better afterwards. It helps a lot with keeping me focused and gives me an hour to focus on myself and bettering my body.
Other than that, nothing really new is going on. I think I am going to have to start the 30 day photo challenge once I get down to Jacksonville, when maybe I have some more time. We move in just barely over a month, and my nerves have sure been getting the best of me lately. I've been a little flustered about, what seems to me Erik's lack of wanting to move our relationship forward. I know he is busy, and he really truly is trying to hard to do things, the E5 exam is next month, and we are trying to buy a home very, very soon. So hopefully after that then maybe a ring? I'm not after the ring, its more or less, I have committed myself to him, fully and completely. I'm moving 600 miles away from all of my friends and my family to be with him, and I have given up a lot. I won't have my car, or my dog, for the first two months down there. So I am now giving up my independence as well, and that's a hard pill for me to swallow. I guess, I just want to feel more at ease with it, more like he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. It's one thing to say it, but its another thing, especially for a man who is so great with his money, to put a ring with it. I don't want anything big nor fancy, just I guess a reassurance is all. I know it probably doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But it does to me, just a further commitment is all. I know he loves me, its not a question of that at all, maybe I am just scared and think that will make me better? Either way, I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and am really just dropping it all together, one day in the future it will happen. It's not like I am trying to rush it, I'm really not, but I'd love for it to happen sooner rather than later... just some thoughts going on in my head. I need to just let it go tho, and not pressure him or rush him or blah blah blah. I'm telling you, this move is making me lose my head. LOL. My going away party is next weekend, and that's going to be hard, seeing everyone, I'll probably cry, a lot. I'm sort of scared I'll lose everyone when I move. My friends, my mom, everyone. It's really scaring me lately. I don't want to make new friends, I want MY friends. MY friends that stuck by me during high school, MY friends that stuck by during the worst of times, MY friends that were there for me during Erik's deployments. Ughhhh... so much, so many emotions. I want to be happy and excited, I want to be looking forward to the warm weather. But instead, I can't help but think about everything I am going to miss. My mom said to think of it as an extended vacation, maybe that will work?
Well.. I am going to try a lot harder to post more often, it really does help me get everything off my chest. I'm not sure why, maybe its just saying it and once I say it (or type it lol) then I just get this relief like its off my chest now. But I'm rambling. So I will be sure to post often, and hopefully make my page prettier.
Back to work for me.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Been a little MIA.. and sick.

Sorry I haven't written in so long, and it's going to be a short one. I've been sick now for about two weeks, ever since my GYN appointment at the hospital, and I've been in an extroidanary amount of pain with no answers as of yet.
I do promise as soon as I am better I will be writing more. I just am trying to hard to keep up with school, the move, and having been sick on top of work its been hard for me lately. But I will get better and will thankfully get back to writing.

I hope everyone is doing wonderful.