Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Happy Pills. :)

Okay, so now that I am not in pain for the first time in two weeks I'll go ahead and give everyone an update. So I went for my GYN appointment, and left as clueless as I went in, and needless to say I am pretty upset about it. I guess I was hoping for some answers, clear answers, letting me know why things are the way they are and just some good old reassurance that in the future when I do decide to have a family, well, things will be okay. I've always been slightly really worried about the chance that I won't be able to have issues. I mean, seriously, what 15 year old has ovarian cysts that rupture? Maybe more than I know, but I think its not normal. But needless to say, the doctor drew some blood, examined me, and sent me on my way, only saying that it was my birth control that is causing things, which I don't believe is true. I guess maybe, I should forewarn everyone who may read this, that I am sorry if I provide TMI, I am just an open person, and well this blog is for me to get my feelings and emotions out in the open, rather than bottling it up inside, so if it bothers you than I apologize. But anyways, the next morning I woke up in pain, and have been in pain since. Mainly it was on my right side around my right ovary, and now its spread to my left side. I've been fighting tooth and nail to be seen and have probably done too much research on webmd for my own good. But I don't have answers, and unfortunately, I don't think the doctors know whats causing it either. Instead I've just been told to deal with it until next month and if it doesn't get better than we will go from there, well next month is moving month so needless to say, that's frustrating. But in the mean time, I am on happy pills, with a professional name called, Fioricet.
Other than that I have been super duper busy with work and school. School is crazy busy right now. I'm taking 3 8 week classes, which is a 16 week class condensed in half the time, so that's super stressful. On top of that I have been trying really hard with work, to do better, push myself harder and just do my best. So I've been working a little bit longer. I've been doing this thing called hot yoga. Which I love, absolutely love it. I feel great doing it. I sweat a lot, and just feel so much better afterwards. It helps a lot with keeping me focused and gives me an hour to focus on myself and bettering my body.
Other than that, nothing really new is going on. I think I am going to have to start the 30 day photo challenge once I get down to Jacksonville, when maybe I have some more time. We move in just barely over a month, and my nerves have sure been getting the best of me lately. I've been a little flustered about, what seems to me Erik's lack of wanting to move our relationship forward. I know he is busy, and he really truly is trying to hard to do things, the E5 exam is next month, and we are trying to buy a home very, very soon. So hopefully after that then maybe a ring? I'm not after the ring, its more or less, I have committed myself to him, fully and completely. I'm moving 600 miles away from all of my friends and my family to be with him, and I have given up a lot. I won't have my car, or my dog, for the first two months down there. So I am now giving up my independence as well, and that's a hard pill for me to swallow. I guess, I just want to feel more at ease with it, more like he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. It's one thing to say it, but its another thing, especially for a man who is so great with his money, to put a ring with it. I don't want anything big nor fancy, just I guess a reassurance is all. I know it probably doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But it does to me, just a further commitment is all. I know he loves me, its not a question of that at all, maybe I am just scared and think that will make me better? Either way, I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and am really just dropping it all together, one day in the future it will happen. It's not like I am trying to rush it, I'm really not, but I'd love for it to happen sooner rather than later... just some thoughts going on in my head. I need to just let it go tho, and not pressure him or rush him or blah blah blah. I'm telling you, this move is making me lose my head. LOL. My going away party is next weekend, and that's going to be hard, seeing everyone, I'll probably cry, a lot. I'm sort of scared I'll lose everyone when I move. My friends, my mom, everyone. It's really scaring me lately. I don't want to make new friends, I want MY friends. MY friends that stuck by me during high school, MY friends that stuck by during the worst of times, MY friends that were there for me during Erik's deployments. Ughhhh... so much, so many emotions. I want to be happy and excited, I want to be looking forward to the warm weather. But instead, I can't help but think about everything I am going to miss. My mom said to think of it as an extended vacation, maybe that will work?
Well.. I am going to try a lot harder to post more often, it really does help me get everything off my chest. I'm not sure why, maybe its just saying it and once I say it (or type it lol) then I just get this relief like its off my chest now. But I'm rambling. So I will be sure to post often, and hopefully make my page prettier.
Back to work for me.

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