So you had a plan..

I apologize for not posting lately, things in the H house have been... well crazy. And here is why...

If you had asked me at the beginning of November how I wanted the boys' birth to go, I would of given you a list of things I perferred that would happen. I wanted Erik to cut their umbillical cords, I would of told you I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, I would of told you I wanted immediate skin to skin with both babies. I would of told you a lot - it's human nature to plan, right?

Well, it's also God's plan to show us that our plan isn't always His plan. The last week of October/first week of November I went into L&D at 31 weeks on two different occasions with contractions very regular. They never really went away, even with the shot of trabutaline that I was given on 3 different occasions during that week. My doctor chalked it up to being dehydrated, which really annoyed me because I was drinking 2 gallons of water a day. I was not dehydrated, and was planning on switching OBs because he had lost my confidence. On Tuesday, November 7th I had an appointment with my MFM and planned on voicing my concerns. I was getting a fluid and cord doppler check, via ultrasound. I hadn't felt the boys hardly at all on the 6th and was itching for some reassurance that they were okay. As soon as the ultrasound started I knew immediately that they were not okay.

The boys had developed TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) during the 2 weeks inbetween ultrasounds with my MFM. Pretty rare to happen so late in the game. Baby A was the recipenant and had a TON of fluid while Baby B, the donor, had very, very little fluid. My MFM immediately requested a quick BPP (biophyiscal profile) and sent me down to labor and delivery immediately after it was done. At 32 weeks 1 day, he made he decision to deliver immediately. My appointment was at 8:00 am, and the boys were born at 10:43am by an emergency c-section. Hayden Erik made his appearance first and Liam Robert followed at 10:44. Nothing, absolutely nothing went as planned, I didn't even deliver at the hospital I had chosen nor by my OB since he did not have patient rights at that hospital. However, the on call OB was fantastic.

I didn't meet the boys until 7:00 (ish) that night. Erik was able to meet them around 5pm. They were admitted immediately at birth to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Things for Hayden were extremely rough, he wasn't breathing at birth and had to be intebated. I didn't find out until post discharge when I read his discharge papers just how tramatic his birth was, I had been told but I don't think our amazing nurse wanted me to fully grasp it - what mom would want to hear that. Hayden was on an ossiclating ventilator, which was the most heartwrenching thing to see during our entire stay, for about 28 hours or more before moving to a regular ventilator and Liam was put on a CPAP.

Both boys had their battles during their stay, and we couldn't of made it through our time in the NICU without our amazing primary nurses. They are godsends and are two of the most wonderful people I have ever meet. Having their support during the bad days meant more than any one could ever understand. Erik and I didn't have any family near by and declined visitors because of the strict visitor policy at the NICU, we didn't think it was fair to ask family to come down when they couldn't even go and see the boys. Hayden suffered a Grade 3 IVH (intraventricular hemorrage), there are 4 stages of IVH - 4 being the worst. IVH is where blood vessels on the ventricles (that hold spinal fluid in your brain) have bursted. Grades 3 and 4 normally come with a chance of brain damage and a chance of learning disabilites and mental disabilites. Most of the time there is a need for surgical intervention. Haydens neurosgurgeon decided to do spinal taps prior to surgery to see if it helped him start to clear up his bleed on his own. Thankfully after 2 taps they noticed that it was helping and after 5 taps they decided he could be followed as an outpatient. And by way of a miracle Hayden came out of it with no brain damage, confirmed by an MRI prior to discharge. Liam had his struggles as well, he came down with NEC (an infection in the intestines) during his stay and had to be off of food and on antibotics for a week as well as isolation. Thankfully, he never perferated and the situation wasn't as bad as it could have been. Liam spent 35 days in the NICU before coming home and Hayden spent 40 days before we were able to take him home.

Not meeting the boys right away, or being able to hold them, was extremely hard. I was in recovery and the hospital policy was that I couldn't go or be taken down to the NICU until I could walk from the bed to the wheelchair. I had had a spinal and was considered a fall risk. I was in regular post-partum recovery and hearing the other women around me with their new babies was the absolute worst. I don't think I have cried as much as I have cried during the past 8 weeks. I can't help but feel so insanely guilty about the struggles the boys have had to overcome and how much they have had to fight to get to where they are today. I won't ever be able to forget a single lumbar puncture, x-ray, head ultrasound, heel prick, PICC line insert or IV they have had to go through. Nor can I help but feel terrible that I wasn't there from their first minute of life on - they were instead surrounded by nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists. I keep remembering learning in a breastfeeding class that babies are terrified upon delivery and that's why those who have skin-to-skin performed immediately thrive. I can't help but replaying that over and over in my head on an almost constant basis and I feel horrible that they each had to go through that not only without each other close by, but without me there.

It has been so nice having the boys home and being able to be their mom full time. The only things we struggle with now are my emotions to how everything has played out and my emotions regarding what has occured. I quite pumping after a long debate with myself. It took me a while to realize that the side affects of Reglan and the quanity of milk I was producing (less than a bottle for each a day) was not worth not enjoying my babies and dealing with the emotions the Reglan brought along with it. I tried everything and really truly gave it my all, but after 7 weeks, I just couldn't do it any longer. I currently offer Hayden my breast about 2-3 times a day and let him breastfeed for 10-15 minutes before giving him his bottle. Liam absolutely hates breastfeeding, so he only does when he is really rooting for food or else he would scream the entire time. Overall, they are doing fantastic and only have follow up appointments from here on out. They are acting more and more like normal, every day babies and less and less like preemies. We really had God on our side during everything, things could have been much much worse if I hadn't had that appointment with my MFM the morning of the 7th. While we've had a long journey so far, it's still a journey that I am so thankful to have.

Updates and Emotions

October 3rd, 2012
27 weeks 1 day

It's been quiet a while since I've written either on here, and even longer since I have written in the journal I've been keeping for the boys. Life has just gotten a little hectic, but I really need to get better about it. I want to have things for them to read when they get older.

I had my 1 hour glucose test back two weeks ago, it really wasn't bad at all. I opted for a Lemon-Lime flavor, since I hate Orange flavored anything. Pretty much tasted like a sugary Sprite. I felt a little dizzy towards the end, and had a horrible headache afterwards from the sugar. But I passed, thankfully. Me, give up chocolate and all things sweet? HA! You've got to be kidding me. No worries, there! The following Thursday, the 19th, I ended up back in L&D around midnight or so. I was having contractions that were 10 minutes apart, water and laying down weren't offering any sort of solution. We got in pretty quickly, and thankfully the wonderful nurses were able to get them to stop and thankfully I wasn't starting active labor. These babies need to cook a lot longer before they are able to arrive.

We had our appointment with our MFM yesterday, at 27 weeks on the dot. They did a cervix check and a growth scan. Baby A is weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces, and Baby B is weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces. We are back up to a 17% growth discrepancy, but they aren't worried about it at the moment - at least that's what they say. There aren't any signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) and it isn't likely that it would develop this late. We got a great picture of Baby B looking at us and you can tell a HUGE weight difference from their 23 week growth scan and yesterdays. He looks like my little gummy baby.

I'm really starting to look VERY pregnant. I really need to post some pictures on here, Erik is horrible about taking pictures - I have to beg practically for him to take one, and then another because the first one looks horrible. Then it ends in me being mad. Just not a good combination I suppose. I'm really feeling the babies move more and more, and I absolutely just love it. I could sit all day long and feel my belly and feel them move. It's one of the most amazing feelings in the world, at least I think so. It makes every heartburn, ache and pain so completely worth it.

We took the boys to their first concert last Thursday, the 27th, to see Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, and Scotty Mccuery. The USO was giving away free tickets to active duty military, which was awesome! I love free tickets and country music. The boys were kicking up a storm the entire time Brad Paisley was on stage. They're definitely going to be mommy's little country boys.

Otherwise things have been quiet here, truthfully I haven't been in the mood to have it any other way. I've been feeling quiet anxious and sad lately. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but either way. I just feel so alone lately. Erik is gone at nights now, and I'm realizing quickly that the friends I have here, aren't like the friends I had back home (it isn't like I have hardly a friend back home any how anymore.. things change when you move away). Back home friends came over, hung out and just chatted with you. Here - it's more of a coffee date once a week and text messaging. Which is better than nothing - and I do like the friends that I have made. It's just... not what I need or what I'm used to. I don't know - this funk isn't hardly fun at all. I honestly just feel sad, it's like this pity party feeling I can't shake. I don't want to be back in Virginia Beach, but I miss certain aspects of it. I miss the environment more than anything I suppose, people are just different here. I just feel.. alone.

I don't know if it's that I miss having family near by, or that everyone and their mother who finds out we are expecting twins ask the question about who we will have to help us or makes a comment about "Oh, you're going to need a LOT of help!". I seriously could scream if I hear that remark one more time. I'm really looking forward to Erik and I having the boys and handling parenthood. We're going to learn so much about each other, and we're going to have to rely on each other and I think that's going to make our relationship a lot closer than we ever imagined. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks with it being just us and the boys before we have company/visitors. I want to be able to recover on my own and not have to worry about having people around. But my heart hurts when I see pictures of family visiting newborns in the hospital, because we don't have that luxury. The nurses and other soon to be parents at our hospital tours were talking about family visiting and I just had to tune it out completely.. we won't have visitors. It'll be Erik and I. I don't even know what we are going to do with Jade at this point in time. I don't trust hardly anyone with her, and I don't want to have friends over who are going to discipline my dog. It's going to be hard for her too. I've got a bazillion thoughts running through my mind, a million things to get done, and I just feel alone.

Here's to hoping better days are around the corner..

Change

Change is inevitable. We all know this, but somehow when your in a relationship your blind to it all. Ever since we got to Jacksonville, Erik isn't like he used to be with me. Granted, I know I am partially to blame for this. I did a lot of pushing away during our last few weeks in Virginia Beach. But when I need him the most here, it seems like he doesn't care. We got into an argument last night, because I'm frustrated. I hate being 'locked' in the apartment all day long. And he doesn't exactly get it. I try to explain that unless it pertains to him, then we don't leave the apartment. And that totally isn't his fault. That's every person's flaw, we all are guilty of it. I know I am. It's like I talk to him and he takes what he wants from our conversation, like he doesn't understand me or what I am saying. This morning, I thought was going to be a great day, just maybe. Well I woke up and burnt the crap out of my finger, a painful second degree burn. And I am at home, no car, so even if it was bigger there would be no way of getting to a doctor. Then Erik calls, and is telling me some news and asks whats wrong, I tell him I burn my finger and it hurts like hell. He asks how and laughs at me when he hears the answer. Yes, my boyfriend laughs at me. Whatever. I get pissed hang up on him, send him a text telling him he is mean.. and I get called the Drama Queen.

What I am getting at, is a year ago.. this never would of happened. People change. I need to learn to accept that rather than dwelling on the used to be. Relationships are work, most of it comes naturally but not all of it. Some things need to be worked at, accepting change is one of them. Realizing when there is stress or you are getting into a stressful situation such as house buying, it changes a persons attitude. I know I'm not perfect and maybe I am more emotional than ever before.. but that's something I need to work at.

Back to the rainy stormy day. Hopefully they don't get too bad.

Alone

Wow.. I've never really felt so alone in my life. I mean crap, even when Erik was 10,000 miles away during deployment I knew there were other ladies going through it as well. But now - this alone feeling is become so overwhelming so fast. Ever since we got here, I've been the one working, putting things together, unpacking, organizing, everything. All while Erik sits there and plays freaking call of duty. I know, I should be happy that he is here this time, and that I spoiled him by doing it all last time. And I know, that I don't communicate the best. But really - I have unpacked the entire apartment, alone.
I've got no one here, aside from Erik of course. I don't have my Jeep, that had to stay in Virginia, so therefore I have to rely on Erik for everything. I don't have any friends, no sense of being or any sense of where I am at here. I just feel so alone and absolutely lost. And oh man, has the homesickness sunk in. Especially when Erik makes me upset, and I have no one to turn to but to send a friend whose 700 miles away a text message, and even then it doesn't help. I just feel so absolutely alone and out of place...

It didn't hit me until yesterday, just how sucky moving as a girlfriend can be. Just how much I've given up. I don't have residency, well anywhere really. I don't have a 'home', I now get to pay triple the cost of college because I don't qualify for instate tuition. I have to forfeit my Virginia's driver's licence over and get one in Florida, oh at the cost of $80 I might add. I don't get anything for this. Shit, when your a wife there are all of these 'acts' and 'laws' protecting you, you have the Spousal Residency Act, so you can keep your residency should you wish, oh and to get instate tuition all you have to do is fork over a copy of your husband's orders. Everything is so much simplified as a spouse, now I see why people tell you to wait to move.

Dear Navy... I hate you for this PCS move. I just want to go home...

I love Mom.

I've been having really mixed emotions about leaving lately. And it wasn't until I had a heart to heart with my mom last night and really told someone how I was feeling that I felt better. Maybe it's just my mom making it better. Either way, she always fixes everything and does it with such grace its amazing. But I think I've come to terms with it, it's a good thing I did since the moving truck is pretty much completely packed, and we just have a few more boxes to put into it today.

It was nice to tell my mom how I have been feeling and just get a hug and reassurance. Especially lately, with Erik being so on edge about everything under the sun. I've really had to become more vocal about not tolerating his attitude towards me when things don't come out like they should. He's gotten a lot better about recognizing when he talks to me in a rude or unpleasant tone and apologizing as well. Communication is the key. This season, and these up's and down's are all new to us - we've never had this time together, nor had the opportunity to really share a move together either. So it's a new adventure.

I've also noticed that I believe my birth control is causing a lot of depression and anxiety. So hopefully once my PCM change goes through, since I am switching regions, I can see someone and get it all straightened out. As well as what is causing this pain, because it's back with revenge.

So we head out tomorrow, after breakfast with my parents, and will stop for the night in South Carolina. I was promised a trip to South of the Border and I am really happy about that. It looks like a neat quirky place, which has my name written all over it. So I probably won't be posting again until next week unless I can get my Droid App working. We should have Internet on Monday, but there is a lot of unpacking to do. And I still have to work, but it will work out.

So wish us luck on our move (if anyone is out there) and I will post when I can :)

Up, Down, Side to Side

Oh my goodness gracious. Life is hectic, emotional, and beautiful. Yes, a random combination I know but its true - well to me it is. I am finishing up my last few days of class before the first eight weeks are over, I will be done March 4th and unfortunately won't be going back until August. I am honestly, a little bummed about it, school is constant and it challenges me. So unfortunately I am being forced to take a break until August. My parents and I have been fighting a little bit lately, which truly isn't anything new its something that has always occurred. I am really making the effort to be a better person, to just swallow my pride and deal with it. Be the bigger person and just make the best out of the upcoming weeks. It's so scary to think tomorrow is March. Last year I would have been thrilled for this, it meant sending out another care package, and it was another month down. This year, I am terrified. Emotionally, I have been all over the place. It isn't fun. I can never make out what my mood is going to be an hour from now, and I can't stop myself from crying anymore. I cry at the drop of a pin lately it seems.
I don't know. Things are so all over the place.
But on the positive side, I just have to remember all I am being blessed with and that life is beautiful. God doesn't give us more than we can handle (although the Navy tries to sometimes). We went to the Berkley Plantation home yesterday with Carlyn and her husband. It was a perfect day, gorgeous weather, and the plantation is beautiful. It would really be ideal for an outdoor wedding. (and why yes, if you didn't guess it, I surely hinted at that) But it was beautiful and it was a perfect day. We finally ate at Cheddars, we've been saying for a year now that we would go, and we did. Boy was it yummy!

I really think I need to just start rolling with the punches, I try, but I have never been that great at it. Things are getting crazy and instead of being uptight over everything that isn't going right (including the mess of an apartment - so many boxes!!) I should focus on what I have and be grateful. I've had a little bit more wine than I'd like to admit this weekend. I was going really good too, not that I am concerned about my alcohol intake, I am just trying to monitor my consumption and see how it affects my weight. Although, according to Cosmo, a glass of wine a day (or two for women) is extremely beneficial in weight loss. But who holds their breathe on that. Also, I finally received a call from my GYN appointment regarding my labs and they mentioned a hormone called, Prolactin, was elevated. So I had to call my endocrinologist regarding that, and hopefully it isn't anything serious. Just waiting for a call back now.. fun.

So, hopefully things get easier to swallow soon. This emotional roller coaster has got to end. I really just can't take it much longer. Hopefully the rest of the week improves and I can just come to terms with the opportunity we are being given, and learn how to deal with the leaving home aspect.

I hope everyone had a great Monday.

Moving emotions and Anxiety.

Wow - this weekend hit me hard, really HARD. My going away party was Saturday night, just something small at my neighbor's house. It was fun and will be more than ever appreciated. We started really, really packing yesterday. And I counted the days that we had until we really needed to get everything packed up, and it hit me. There are like 18 days until the move, give or take just a few. I couldn't believe it. And then I woke up this morning, and saw the mess and saw the boxes and reality hit me like a brick wall.
I'm so worried about everything, so worried about leaving, so sad about it all. I feel as if I am loosing part of me rather than going on an adventure. My family and I are pretty close, and they mean the world to me. And it terrifies me that I am leaving them. I won't be 15 minutes down the road. I won't be able to go home to my mommy and have a hug on a bad day. And that in itself kills me.
I guess blindly, I thought this is supposed to be an exciting time, a happy time, an adventure for the both of us to be on our own. But right now, for whatever reason I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Why is it that everyone else can just willingly pack up and move, and be happy and excited? Why is it that for everyone else its this big wonderful adventure? How come I am the only one it seems to feel as if I am losing everything? Maybe others aren't as public about it? It would just be nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and that moving is actually terrifying.
There is just so much going on at once, and I feel so guilty about leaving my family behind. I know that this is our time and that yes they are happy for me. There are just so many emotions and I really don't know what to do with them.

I guess I just need to know I'm not alone in feeling like this, that I'm not being selfish because I'm not completely ecstatic. Don't get me wrong I am super thankful that I have the opportunity to move, the opportunity to see new things and meet new people. But part of me is still really sad that I'm leaving my life behind, my family, and some really amazing friends.

I just hope I can get this figured out soon, what to do with these emotions, and how to handle them. Because these anxiety attacks aren't fun and I just want to feel like I am doing the 'right' thing, and be excited about it. Although, deep down I don't think I will truly be excited about it until we are down there.

Ehhhh

So I am late on the Valentine's wishes.. I hope everyone had a great day. It was actually our first valentine's day together so it was pretty exciting, I guess. We celebrated it on Sunday pretty much, went to see "No Strings Attached" which was hilarious and then went to dinner at Bonefish which was super yummy. I love my bang bang shrimp. Then stopped at Petsmart to pick up somethings for funny bunny. We got her a ball, that has a bell in it which is made for her to chew on (believe it or not, rabbit's teeth never stop growing, so they chew to grind their teeth down) and she absolutely loves it and plays with it all day long - score! We got her a hammock, and she doesn't really get what its used for.. just sort of hides under it. We've tried putting her in it, and it didn't work out well. - Oh well, we did try. I had a horrific hormonal migraine on Monday, and Erik came home on his lunch break and brought me gorgeous flowers. Super duper sweet of him.

I had my CT scan last night at Portsmouth naval, and managed to sneak out of the hospital with that nasty oral contrast drink, and went to the mall with Carlyn - she totally rescued me GI style. And had an absolute blast. Definitely one girl I couldn't live with out, a great friend by far and totally a partner in crime. The CT scan went fine, they said they got good pictures. Oh and my old best friend, who is pregnant, the one who has always gotten everything she's ever wanted, from this baby to anything she ever asked for in the past, had her baby yesterday. A healthy baby boy, and granted I am supposed to be happy for her. But needless to say it lead to a complete breakdown. The more signs and symptoms I get the more it looks like it's leading towards endometrosis. Which terrifies me. Erik doesn't really understand my fears so much.. for me, not being able to have children is a death wish. A little over dramatic but I really just don't care. All I have ever wanted to be is a mom, a great mom who does everything for her children. And the idea that it might be the biggest struggle in the world, especially for something that is supposed to come so naturally (by this I mean pregnancy) it absolutely terrifies me.

On top of this school has been hectic, I am trying so hard to keep it together these last two weeks but its been crazy. And I have yet to sign up for classes in Florida - I know I know, shame on me. Its just so much at once right now, so much to do, so little time.

I'm really really trying to have a positive outlook on this move, a time for us to really get to know each other, a time for adventure and excitement, new things, new people. I feel bad, like I am robbing Erik of his excitement, like making him second guess it. I know it's all in my head, and he doesn't feel like that but still. I'm a girl, I worry. I just need to bite the bullet and get excited I guess. Start looking at it from different ways. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I didn't choose to fall in love with him, but I am choosing to move with him. So that's on me - and I can't keep throwing it in Erik's face it isn't fair to him at all. So Operation Get Excited is in motion thanks to Carlyn - who is coming to visit in April. Thank Goodness!!! I'm just the type of person who needs to have excitement to look forward to. This summer is going to be busy, a lot of traveling, a lot of projects and hopefully graduating with my AS.

But time to get back to work - and get some homework done. I hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the week!

Confessions...

I have some confessions to air out..
First one being - I am absolutely terrified out of my mind. Yes, mainly about the move. Do you really blame me? Before I get my butt torn a new one by someone let me explain. I have lived just about every bit of my life in Virginia Beach, for the past 17 and a half years this has been my life, my home. My friends are here, more importantly my family is here. I have gone through so much and it all ties to this area. I've just never been so absolutely terrified. For pete's sake its almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I've never been the girl who pities herself, or crys herself to sleep quietly so I don't wake Erik up. But lately.. that's who I've been. I hide behind this 'badass' persona to convince myself that I can do it. When in fact I am terrified out of my mind. I have to get it out somewhere, and its hard to explain to Erik how I'm feeling. He tries and I know he is being so patient, but he doesn't quite grasp it. I never was that girl who wanted to be with a military man, I never was that girl who wanted nothing more than to leave my hometown, I never even really thought about moving away until I meet Erik. And granted now I am that girl, and I love him with all my heart, truly I do, but it's so much harder emotionally than I ever imagined. I understand he's moved, but its a different type of move. It was his choice, he knew enlisting would send him away, and he embraced it. I on the other hand, didn't know love was going to take me so far away from my home.
Part of me is still very insecure about my left eye. For those of you who don't really know, since I was little (my mom swears it happened when i caught scarlet fever at age 3) my left eye is paralyzed. It doesn't really move, and after so long I do a great job faking it. I was ruthlessly teased as a child, and it's not like I don't mind explaining it, the real name for it is Dwayne's Retraction Syndrome - and I look nothing like the freaky pictures the websites show. I'm so terrified about living with the whole, is so and so going to think I'm a weirdo because of my eye. It hurts to know that the way strangers few me, isn't the way I'd hope they would. And first impressions are key...
I'm just so terrified, terrified of everything. Letting my family down, letting my friends down, letting Erik down. I just want everyone to be happy and to be proud of me, and to just be the best person I can be. But I am terrified that I'm just not strong enough for this. I hate the idea of being so far away from my mom, whats going to happen when all I need to make me better is her - I can't expect her to jump on the next flight down to Jacksonville. It's bad enough I'm having panic attacks over it now, what's going to happen a month from today??
I'm so god damn scared, I hate this feeling. I hate not feeling like I can do anything, I can get through anything. I hate crying at 1 in the morning because I don't want Erik worrying about me. I hate thinking about everything I am going to miss. I hate thinking about telling two amazing little boys I've watched grow up since one was 3 and the other was 6 months old that I am moving to Florida. I hate thinking about leaving my friends, who've actually been there for me through thick and thin. I hate knowing in just a few weeks it's going to be a reality. I hate this. I don't like feeling this way, and frankly nothing I do can stop it. I hate knowing that I am going down there so soon, and there is no way of knowing whether or not its the right thing to do. It feels right, but I just want to know. And I know there is no way of knowing with out taking a leap of faith... I just want to be happy and excited, instead of secretly crying to myself in the middle of the night.

Second confession - I have been a horrible girlfriend lately, not cleaning hardly, not cooking. I just don't feel like it, on top of being sick. I guess I am just sick and tired of playing maid..

Maybe the bed is calling my name... I'm not sure. I'm tired, and can't sleep. Thoughts just keep pouring over my mind, I really shouldn't of started packing today, I don't like doing things last minute. Maybe retail therapy tomorrow can help a bit? A new pair of heels always helps my mood.

Hopefully I will get some sleep.. have a good night.

-Anne

One Month

In one month exactly, I will be driving south on 95 towards Jacksonville, Florida. Sounds exciting, but then why am I scared out of my mind? All I want to do is stop time, keep it from moving and I can't. I just want it to stand still, I want to enjoy every little thing here... and there isn't enough time. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to do this, strong enough for the military lifestyle of moving around, and making "home" where the Navy sends us. I've never really fealt like this, deployments seem like nothing right now. I've never been so absolutely terrified before. I've never second guessed my own strength before, or what I am and am not capable of. It's not like I am second guessing my relationship, I've never been more sure of doing something. I just wasn't prepared for being so positive and with out a doubt willing to give it all up and move for him, would bring along so many fears. Oh emotions... how you love to pile it on. I just can't help but wonder am I strong enough for this?


On another note, I finally got in to see my PCM (primary care doctor, for non-military. fancy terminology they like to have) and I have a CT scan pending. Once that gets done, I will have more answers. For now they told me its more than likely an ovarian cyst but it could be endometrosis. Which is pretty scarry, its not an automatic infertility statement, but its close. It won't show up on the CT scan but the ovarian cyst will. I'm just trying to ignore it until I have a yes or no or a this is whats wrong. It hasn't really left me with a set amount of answers but its better than nothing in my opinion. I rather know whats going on than not know at all.

I've been feeling better though, thanks to claritin d. Thank goodnesss. I got my first real nights sleep in about two weeks ago, and let me tell you what it was amazinggggg. Aside from that, nothing really new is going on. Trying to keep up with school and trying to get it all done in such a time crunch. But that's about it...

I hope everyone has a great rest of the day.

Anne

Happy Pills. :)

Okay, so now that I am not in pain for the first time in two weeks I'll go ahead and give everyone an update. So I went for my GYN appointment, and left as clueless as I went in, and needless to say I am pretty upset about it. I guess I was hoping for some answers, clear answers, letting me know why things are the way they are and just some good old reassurance that in the future when I do decide to have a family, well, things will be okay. I've always been slightly really worried about the chance that I won't be able to have issues. I mean, seriously, what 15 year old has ovarian cysts that rupture? Maybe more than I know, but I think its not normal. But needless to say, the doctor drew some blood, examined me, and sent me on my way, only saying that it was my birth control that is causing things, which I don't believe is true. I guess maybe, I should forewarn everyone who may read this, that I am sorry if I provide TMI, I am just an open person, and well this blog is for me to get my feelings and emotions out in the open, rather than bottling it up inside, so if it bothers you than I apologize. But anyways, the next morning I woke up in pain, and have been in pain since. Mainly it was on my right side around my right ovary, and now its spread to my left side. I've been fighting tooth and nail to be seen and have probably done too much research on webmd for my own good. But I don't have answers, and unfortunately, I don't think the doctors know whats causing it either. Instead I've just been told to deal with it until next month and if it doesn't get better than we will go from there, well next month is moving month so needless to say, that's frustrating. But in the mean time, I am on happy pills, with a professional name called, Fioricet.
Other than that I have been super duper busy with work and school. School is crazy busy right now. I'm taking 3 8 week classes, which is a 16 week class condensed in half the time, so that's super stressful. On top of that I have been trying really hard with work, to do better, push myself harder and just do my best. So I've been working a little bit longer. I've been doing this thing called hot yoga. Which I love, absolutely love it. I feel great doing it. I sweat a lot, and just feel so much better afterwards. It helps a lot with keeping me focused and gives me an hour to focus on myself and bettering my body.
Other than that, nothing really new is going on. I think I am going to have to start the 30 day photo challenge once I get down to Jacksonville, when maybe I have some more time. We move in just barely over a month, and my nerves have sure been getting the best of me lately. I've been a little flustered about, what seems to me Erik's lack of wanting to move our relationship forward. I know he is busy, and he really truly is trying to hard to do things, the E5 exam is next month, and we are trying to buy a home very, very soon. So hopefully after that then maybe a ring? I'm not after the ring, its more or less, I have committed myself to him, fully and completely. I'm moving 600 miles away from all of my friends and my family to be with him, and I have given up a lot. I won't have my car, or my dog, for the first two months down there. So I am now giving up my independence as well, and that's a hard pill for me to swallow. I guess, I just want to feel more at ease with it, more like he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. It's one thing to say it, but its another thing, especially for a man who is so great with his money, to put a ring with it. I don't want anything big nor fancy, just I guess a reassurance is all. I know it probably doesn't make any sense whatsoever. But it does to me, just a further commitment is all. I know he loves me, its not a question of that at all, maybe I am just scared and think that will make me better? Either way, I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and am really just dropping it all together, one day in the future it will happen. It's not like I am trying to rush it, I'm really not, but I'd love for it to happen sooner rather than later... just some thoughts going on in my head. I need to just let it go tho, and not pressure him or rush him or blah blah blah. I'm telling you, this move is making me lose my head. LOL. My going away party is next weekend, and that's going to be hard, seeing everyone, I'll probably cry, a lot. I'm sort of scared I'll lose everyone when I move. My friends, my mom, everyone. It's really scaring me lately. I don't want to make new friends, I want MY friends. MY friends that stuck by me during high school, MY friends that stuck by during the worst of times, MY friends that were there for me during Erik's deployments. Ughhhh... so much, so many emotions. I want to be happy and excited, I want to be looking forward to the warm weather. But instead, I can't help but think about everything I am going to miss. My mom said to think of it as an extended vacation, maybe that will work?
Well.. I am going to try a lot harder to post more often, it really does help me get everything off my chest. I'm not sure why, maybe its just saying it and once I say it (or type it lol) then I just get this relief like its off my chest now. But I'm rambling. So I will be sure to post often, and hopefully make my page prettier.
Back to work for me.

I don't know....

I know - I am slacking big time in the Photo Challenge department. It'll come soon, I promise (if theres anyone who keeps up with this).

I haven't been feeling good for a little bit lately. Thursday I ended up getting sick from drinking a bad Starbucks and haven't completely recovered from it. I just feel yucky and sick.

Erik and I drove down to the OBX on Saturday for the night, I knew we needed some time to just talk, to enjoy each other, and honestly to get back to where things were. Things have been so busy and stressful lately and we have a tendency to take it out on each other, not to mention this is the longest period of time we've been with each other so that's new for us - and I think as much as we love spending time with each other, we still need little breaks. I know he is missing his best friend, who moved to Florida, and I know I need/want to spend time with friends I will hardly see anymore. Honestly, I think I might be holding it against him that I won't have my family near him, or my friends. I know I'm pretty scared of being alone down there.

There's just been so much going on with me lately. Erik hasn't been helping, he's been coming home from C-School in a horrible mood. I know he has to vent his day somewhere, and without his good friend being here that means me. Don't get me wrong - I got used to it during deployment - but that was via email - and I could destress. Now - I can't or haven't really found a way. I've been feeling so under appreciated, like yeah he says thank you for dinner or whatever - it just doesn't feel like there is any feeling behind it. Don't get me wrong, when he was gone, I wanted nothing more than to have him here and would do anything for that. But now, were in a different part of our relationship. And I'm having a hard time adjusting to that.

We'll see. Maybe school will help out with it, me being gone during the week, and I definitely am going to take more activities to get out during the day, hot yoga and the gym. I need to do something, tanning always helped before and while granted I can't exactly afford it - I do need something to do besides working and cleaning and school 24/7.

I promise as soon as I get caught up with school work I will make up for all the pictures for the photo challenge that I haven't posted.

Getting there

So yesterday was a little stressful for us, and unfortunately I tend to have a bad habit of taking it out on my lovebug or getting snappy before thinking. And yesterday wasn't really different. We did go and see a few places, some that I didn't like and one that we really liked. Unfortunately, the one we really liked is at the top end of our budget (we try and stay under BAH) so we shall see, we are actually going to visit one of their sister companies today who I think are slightly cheaper and closer to base, so maybe that'll be the winner?? Who knows.. but back to the stress. Erik's been pretty stressed out about finding a place, he is more of the I want to find a place, and get it done now guy - very similar to his shopping habit (go figure). Erik was deployed when I found and moved into our current apartment. He was home when we rented a beach house - but that was really easy to choose from :) so this is a new ball game to him. And I do forget that, and really should be more patient with him. BUT when it comes to driving, I have not a clue where I am going, and am horrible at reading maps and giving distances (like really, how can you tell how far up a mile is??) . Well yesterday was one of those days, again, that we bickered for a little bit (because it never really lasts longer than 15 minutes, lol!) . Erik's gotten really used to me and Virginia Beach, and me knowing every road, where its at, the back roads if 264 is backed up, the shortcuts, basically knowing Virginia Beach like the back of my hand. Well I have never been to Jacksonville - never wanted to go either. And so the navigation has been putting us at each others throats. On top of that - Erik's a little worried about not finding a place, where as I know it just really takes time and exploring and I am a little bit more laid back with it (especially since I've done this before, and not too long ago). But even though I know Erik is stressed over all of this, when he gets snippy, or upset I get snippy or upset right back at him. Sigh... I know I shouldn't, I really do know this, but part of me feels attacked when he does it, so it's more of an instinct to go right back at him. So last night wasn't an exception, I took it a little bit harder than normal  (I've been super emotional lately, not really sure if it is because of the new environment or what but I'm ober emotional). So anyhow, we talked it over after about 15 minutes, and he finally realized (on his own, because I wasn't going to say it) that this is a lot harder on me than him and that we are both out of our element and need to sort of relax.
So we are going to take a day, and only visit 2 apartments maximum and go explore and relax more importantly. Because it's stressful, but we also need to rely on each other during this and not fight about it because that will only add to the load. So sometime this week will be some much needed relaxing.
So hopefully, these emotional hormones go somewhere else, because I really am tired of crying at the drop of a pin. And hopefully we have some good luck today with the house hunting and hopefully some daylight hours to go drive around the neighborhoods we are looking to buy in.

-Anne

On a side note, I am really still trying to figure out how to make my blog all pretty, so please be patient, hopefully here soon I can figure out how to make a pretty signature. :) Any recommendations or suggestions would be great.