Updates and Emotions

October 3rd, 2012
27 weeks 1 day

It's been quiet a while since I've written either on here, and even longer since I have written in the journal I've been keeping for the boys. Life has just gotten a little hectic, but I really need to get better about it. I want to have things for them to read when they get older.

I had my 1 hour glucose test back two weeks ago, it really wasn't bad at all. I opted for a Lemon-Lime flavor, since I hate Orange flavored anything. Pretty much tasted like a sugary Sprite. I felt a little dizzy towards the end, and had a horrible headache afterwards from the sugar. But I passed, thankfully. Me, give up chocolate and all things sweet? HA! You've got to be kidding me. No worries, there! The following Thursday, the 19th, I ended up back in L&D around midnight or so. I was having contractions that were 10 minutes apart, water and laying down weren't offering any sort of solution. We got in pretty quickly, and thankfully the wonderful nurses were able to get them to stop and thankfully I wasn't starting active labor. These babies need to cook a lot longer before they are able to arrive.

We had our appointment with our MFM yesterday, at 27 weeks on the dot. They did a cervix check and a growth scan. Baby A is weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces, and Baby B is weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces. We are back up to a 17% growth discrepancy, but they aren't worried about it at the moment - at least that's what they say. There aren't any signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) and it isn't likely that it would develop this late. We got a great picture of Baby B looking at us and you can tell a HUGE weight difference from their 23 week growth scan and yesterdays. He looks like my little gummy baby.

I'm really starting to look VERY pregnant. I really need to post some pictures on here, Erik is horrible about taking pictures - I have to beg practically for him to take one, and then another because the first one looks horrible. Then it ends in me being mad. Just not a good combination I suppose. I'm really feeling the babies move more and more, and I absolutely just love it. I could sit all day long and feel my belly and feel them move. It's one of the most amazing feelings in the world, at least I think so. It makes every heartburn, ache and pain so completely worth it.

We took the boys to their first concert last Thursday, the 27th, to see Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, and Scotty Mccuery. The USO was giving away free tickets to active duty military, which was awesome! I love free tickets and country music. The boys were kicking up a storm the entire time Brad Paisley was on stage. They're definitely going to be mommy's little country boys.

Otherwise things have been quiet here, truthfully I haven't been in the mood to have it any other way. I've been feeling quiet anxious and sad lately. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but either way. I just feel so alone lately. Erik is gone at nights now, and I'm realizing quickly that the friends I have here, aren't like the friends I had back home (it isn't like I have hardly a friend back home any how anymore.. things change when you move away). Back home friends came over, hung out and just chatted with you. Here - it's more of a coffee date once a week and text messaging. Which is better than nothing - and I do like the friends that I have made. It's just... not what I need or what I'm used to. I don't know - this funk isn't hardly fun at all. I honestly just feel sad, it's like this pity party feeling I can't shake. I don't want to be back in Virginia Beach, but I miss certain aspects of it. I miss the environment more than anything I suppose, people are just different here. I just feel.. alone.

I don't know if it's that I miss having family near by, or that everyone and their mother who finds out we are expecting twins ask the question about who we will have to help us or makes a comment about "Oh, you're going to need a LOT of help!". I seriously could scream if I hear that remark one more time. I'm really looking forward to Erik and I having the boys and handling parenthood. We're going to learn so much about each other, and we're going to have to rely on each other and I think that's going to make our relationship a lot closer than we ever imagined. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks with it being just us and the boys before we have company/visitors. I want to be able to recover on my own and not have to worry about having people around. But my heart hurts when I see pictures of family visiting newborns in the hospital, because we don't have that luxury. The nurses and other soon to be parents at our hospital tours were talking about family visiting and I just had to tune it out completely.. we won't have visitors. It'll be Erik and I. I don't even know what we are going to do with Jade at this point in time. I don't trust hardly anyone with her, and I don't want to have friends over who are going to discipline my dog. It's going to be hard for her too. I've got a bazillion thoughts running through my mind, a million things to get done, and I just feel alone.

Here's to hoping better days are around the corner..

Poor poor pitful me

So I'm feeling a little homesick. I've been really looking forward to having a weekend of just it being Erik and I here at the house. It's a duty weekend, meaning Erik has to work today, Saturday, and I'm at home with the dog. This never bothers me, not ever. I don't mind alone time, time to watch drama tv, time to myself, time to think. But as I'm sitting here watching 'Say yes to the Dress' on TLC, and looking around on theknot.com I can't help but feel completely alone, and I can't help but want a pity party.

I know, I get it, this is the military life welcome to it in full swing. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit! I HATE when people tell me that, no freaking shit people. I'm not new to it by any means, I've dealt with Erik being away for a total of 18 months, suck it. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make me not miss my family, it doesn't make me not wish that there were some sort of family near by to do wedding stuff with. I haven't really made any friends here, not yet at least. No one that I can call crying, needing a girls night filled with ice cream and girly movies. I get it, poor poor pitful me. Whatever. If I want to be upset that I don't have many friends thanks to the military life, than damn it I will be. I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel.

Maybe I whine too much, or maybe I'm too hot and cold. I don't always give those of you who actually read this, a real view of my actual life, I really just use this as an outlet, to get thoughts, emotions, feelings out without hurting anyone in the process. Believe it or not, I really just want to and try to keep and make everyone happy. Rarely do I put my needs first. But when I do, I get reemed for it.

I just want to be able to go out at the drop of a dime and do wedding things, or girl things. Where I don't have to plan 3 weeks - 2 months out. I want to be able to enjoy this. Lately, I have been. I'm pretty excited about it all, but in the same breathe. Watching these girls on TV trying on dresses, or reading stuff on theknot.com just makes me jealous. I want that. I don't have many friends anymore because between deployments and moving, it's hard to keep friends. I'd love to have a bigger bridal party, but I don't have the friends for it.

I think I'm in need of some retail therapy. I haven't gone shopping for a bit and I think right about now is a good time to use the "I don't have any fiancee clothes" card. Or the "I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I think your family hates me" card. Both are pretty true.

Excitement!

Finally, I can be flipping excited about the fact that I'm getting married. While I am so overly frustrated with the base chapel, and they're lack of organization, we got the okay for the date that we want to be married on with his family. And his mom told me to stop worrying about everything. So I am really, really happy. Hopefully we can meet with the priest on Thursday, and he agrees to marry us. But I'm not holding my breathe. I think we are going to do some 'shopping' around for other churches here, I'm not sure yet how I like the parish for the church on base. The priest does a really great job of actually explaining everything to us during mass but it just doesn't feel, comfortable, there so to say. I know, it's pretty hard to understand and explain. But I tried.

I've also decided on one of my colors for the wedding, it will be some shade of purple either a deep shade, or a light shade. I want to base the rest on what the reception venue looks like. I think I want to incorporate some pink but we'll see... Who knows, it could change a week from now - knowing me.

Either way, I'm pretty freaking happy, and very excited! I'm just going to focus on us, and make sure we have the wedding that will make us happy.

On another note, I'm only about 10 pounds away from the wedding day weight I want to be. I'm finally pretty happy with how I look, but I think 10 pounds will be good for me to loose. I've lost plenty of weight since moving down here, and I have faith that I can lose the remaining amount that I want to. By the time I loose what I want, I will actually weigh what I did when I graduated high school. It's actually a healthy weight for me, and I know I won't allow myself to go down the path of self loathing.

But anyways, I'm just really excited now. I can finally look at wedding things without getting sour and I am excited to find a photographer and start booking other things as well. My mom is actually bringing my Jeep down (Thank gooodnesssss!!!!) and will be here to go to a bridal expo with Erik and I on the Sunday she will be here. We are also planning on going and looking at wedding dresses. I really hoped that I would have friends who would be my bridesmaids to go with me, but right now I still don't see that happening. I was also hoping that Erik's mom would be able to go with me as well, but I don't want to have to ask her to take time off. Either way I'm sure it will turn out okay. At least I hope it will.

But I am going to go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having for a change and take our crazy puppy dog on a long walk in my new Easy Tones (lets hope they work!). Here's to a good week!

excitment and let downs

So this house hunting thing is definitely a roller coaster. There are ton's of houses of there, many have what you want but it boils down to the smallest things. Do I like this layout? Can our furniture fit in here? Do we really need these 42" cupboards? Is the backyard large enough? Do we like the stucco? What about the safety of a corner lot? Can we afford to put new carpet in? Will the seller accept this offer? There are so many questions!! There are also thousands of other buyers who are looking, waiting for the hot price to go down just a few thousand, looking for almost all the updates we dream about. Then just when you think you found the one, and can handle all the repairs (if there are any) someone else snatches it up, from right out under you. One minute your excited, the next night your scared to be excited. So that's been an adventure we've been going through lately. And I don't think I am going to share any details or photo's until we are in a contract, then closed and it's our house, just because I am terrified to jynx anything.

On another note, Florida has been a lot better. It's been frustrating waiting for my paychecks to get here in the mail. The change of address was a mess, not to mention the change of address on top of the apartments assigning us a the wrong apartment. Ughhh.. that did not create the funnest situation. So I've been wanting to go to Saint Augustine, which is only 20 minutes away from our apartments. There is a lot to do, the beach, and shopping. So we were supposed to go last weekend, but didn't since we went to look at houses instead, and because my paychecks had not arrived yet. So we were going to go this weekend. Then Erik gets a text message from a friend asking him to go camping. I hate telling him no, ya know? I mean yeah, I do get a little upset when our plans get canceled or moved around and stuff, but he hasn't been home for the past two years, and he deserves to hang out and camp and stuff. It's not like I don't know he hates shopping, but it's not like I can't go by myself. We have one car until my Jeep gets here. Plus it's no fun going alone! I don't have any girlfriends really down here. Ughh.. moving sucks sometimes. But I don't know.. I want to tell him to go and then I want to say no, we had plans. It's dumb.. really it is. I know this. But I don't want to be the wicked girlfriend all the time. We're going to have a lot of things going on and I know it'll make it tough to hang out with friends, and do the things we want to do. I don't know..

The sun hasn't been out here lately, but my garden is going nutso! It makes me happy knowing I have a 'green  thumb'. I can't wait to expand it once we are in a home. Hopefully Mr. Sunshine will be out soon!