Saturday, July 23, 2011

Poor poor pitful me

So I'm feeling a little homesick. I've been really looking forward to having a weekend of just it being Erik and I here at the house. It's a duty weekend, meaning Erik has to work today, Saturday, and I'm at home with the dog. This never bothers me, not ever. I don't mind alone time, time to watch drama tv, time to myself, time to think. But as I'm sitting here watching 'Say yes to the Dress' on TLC, and looking around on I can't help but feel completely alone, and I can't help but want a pity party.

I know, I get it, this is the military life welcome to it in full swing. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit! I HATE when people tell me that, no freaking shit people. I'm not new to it by any means, I've dealt with Erik being away for a total of 18 months, suck it. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make me not miss my family, it doesn't make me not wish that there were some sort of family near by to do wedding stuff with. I haven't really made any friends here, not yet at least. No one that I can call crying, needing a girls night filled with ice cream and girly movies. I get it, poor poor pitful me. Whatever. If I want to be upset that I don't have many friends thanks to the military life, than damn it I will be. I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel.

Maybe I whine too much, or maybe I'm too hot and cold. I don't always give those of you who actually read this, a real view of my actual life, I really just use this as an outlet, to get thoughts, emotions, feelings out without hurting anyone in the process. Believe it or not, I really just want to and try to keep and make everyone happy. Rarely do I put my needs first. But when I do, I get reemed for it.

I just want to be able to go out at the drop of a dime and do wedding things, or girl things. Where I don't have to plan 3 weeks - 2 months out. I want to be able to enjoy this. Lately, I have been. I'm pretty excited about it all, but in the same breathe. Watching these girls on TV trying on dresses, or reading stuff on just makes me jealous. I want that. I don't have many friends anymore because between deployments and moving, it's hard to keep friends. I'd love to have a bigger bridal party, but I don't have the friends for it.

I think I'm in need of some retail therapy. I haven't gone shopping for a bit and I think right about now is a good time to use the "I don't have any fiancee clothes" card. Or the "I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I think your family hates me" card. Both are pretty true.

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