Wayyyy Better! :)

Not sure if the whole 'airing' it out yesterday helped, or maybe it was the new boots I bought (got a kickbutt steal on them too might I add) But I am feeling a lot better.
Yesterday was lovebugs birthday, and we spent the day relaxing, and me working, as well as a must needed trip to Shoe Carnival. Got home, spent time with Erik's Meme and PaPaw and went to dinner with his family, there was a new Olive Garden built in Louisville so we tried it out. Well - it's a longgg story but I like the ending - Erik's mom called ahead, and there was still close to a two hour wait - and no, I am so not patient, and we sit down and our waitress was dumb, with a capital DUMB. I try to be sypathetic, and nice, I really really do. But she was horrible - we told her it was Erik's birthday, (thinking they would sing to him - NO!) We were a group of 7, they gave us 6 silverware's, 5 small bread plates, and 6 bread sticks - apparently she can't count? Top it off - I only ordered water with lemon, and it took 3 repeated requests to get a single refill, Erik had gotten a Blue Moon while we waited and asked for another one, but a tall this time. We ordered our food and an appetizer, you know the normal, and well it took about 30 minutes to get our appetizer, which was 30 minutes of no drinks, no bread sticks, no silverware, lemons, or napkins, no beer. Got our appetizer, still no water, no bread sticks, no silverware, or beer. Received our dinner and finally got my water but no beer, and Erik had to go to the hostess stand to get silverware. This girl was horrible - so after dinner Erik's dad went and spoke with the manager, and just wanted to tell her how our dinner was. Well surprisingly she came over, apologized about everything without making a single excuse for it, gave his parents a gift card, and then turned to Erik and thanked him for his service and gave him a $50 gift card as well. It always, always, warms my heart when someone thanks him for his service. Erik isn't the kind of guy who really 'throws' around his service so when someone does find out and thanks him it always makes me smile.
But anyways - rambling - and back to the point of my post. I am feeling a lot more like myself and am a lot more cheerful. We are driving back home now, and its always kind of bittersweet leaving - I love visiting with his family, but I am definitely ready for some 'me' time, and sleep in my own bed.

I am also really thankful that we can finally enjoy our new years eve tomorrow night, I'm not sure what the plan is or what we are going to do for it - but we will be enjoying each others company without having to say goodbye the next day. I am really excited for the new year, the new changes, the new adventures, and the new friends that it will bring with it. In with the new, out with the old. I am really going to try to let go of all the bad and the resentment I've been holding over the year. Start the year fresh, with a positive outlook :)

Insecure

Lately, incase you can't tell I have been feeling so absolutely insecure about everything. I don't know why, or what sparked it, but I have been. I feel insecure around Erik, around his family, in my work, in school - in everything. I really can't stand feeling this way, in fact I hate it.

I get so mad at myself lately, any little mess up, any little bump in the road and I find myself angry. I'm not sure where all these insecurites are coming from, and why now they are being uglier than before - but it's almost like a daily battle.

Sigh... I don't know if it's the 'after christmas' season thats making me feel this way or what it is. But I don't like it one bit, I want my happy go-lucky goofy self back.

Thoughts..

First off I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! Mine was pretty good, I got to spend it with my lovebug and I don't have to worry about him leaving soon, because well he isn't. Christmas mass was beautiful, and I am glad Erik got to spend Christmas with his family.
I am missing my family a little bit more than I expected this year, last year it didn't bother me as much, but this year I sure did. Erik hasn't really been to patient over it, but we always work through things and he is a little bit better about it all.
On a positive note, I did get to have my first white Christmas this year, which was beautiful. I love snow, I love the way it looks and the excitement it brings with it. It wasn't much, about 3 inches of snow. But it was perfect, we went sledding, for my first time, something Erik always promised me.

So, on a down side, lately I seem to be second guessing quite a few things. And I know my goal for this year was to really really learn to ignore those thoughts and to stop doing it. But its hard... Erik is my first really great relationship, the first person I can say without a doubt loves me whole with all his heart. I just sometimes get a little worried about moving so far away with no real sense of security. It's hard to explain - I know Erik loves me, and wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt me, but I still worry about the "what if's" and if I am making the right move. It's a big move for me. It's exciting but still really scary in the same sense. I am looking forward to going somewhere new, somewhere different. I am so grateful, and so very lucky that I have a job that I am able to take with me.
I guess it is taking that first leap of faith that is the hardest, or more intimidating than anything else. I guess every military wife has to go through this, but I'm not a military wife. I guess that's what is the most upsetting, is that people don't understand I'm not doing this because this is our military life, rather for love, plain and simple. I've spent 17 months away from my best friend and the love of my life in the past 2.5 years, I refuse to spend any time apart unless its necessary or for the right reasons. Sometimes it's just hard to swallow, that with that leap of faith, so many things change.
Another thing I guess I am afraid of with this move, is that I will somehow lose my independence. I don't like having to rely on people for anything. I've always been the type of person who rather do it myself. I stress out big time over it. I guess it is just one of my flaws. I don't like having to rely on others to do things for me, or to take care of me. For me its more of a choice - I don't like being made to rely on someone, where if I needed to I know I could rely on Erik. Weird, I know. I'm just stubborn - I like having my choices.

Well - I need to get back to work, and I think all this typing is waking Erik up. Enjoy the last few days of 2010.

- Anne

Bad News...

So I finally went to the doctor the other day (the wait to see my PCM, is like a month long, but I admit I have put off doing it for a little bit longer than I should of) regarding some female issues I'm having with my girly time of the month. And I ended up leaving with more than what I bargained for, I had thought I would just get a new birth control script and be the end all be all - well, I got a referral to Portsmouth Naval's GYN. Turns out my PCM is concerned, one because I haven't always had such a reliable, great girly time of the month to begin with, and two now that my thyroid is within the 'normal' range, I should be "A Okay" with my periods. She seems to think that there is a more serious underlying condition, and I'm sorry - but my first concern being a women comes straight down to - that I'm terrified it is going to affect my having children. My PCM mentioned endometrosis (sp?) which does run on my moms side of the family, and she also mentioned that there could be a fibroid (sp?) growing. So I have been pretty on the rocks lately. Frankly, I am terrified.
Secondly, as bad as it sounds, I am pissed. Never would I wish this on anyone, however, it makes me mad even more so now, seeing 'young' moms, who one didn't want children, and who two don't take very good care of their children have them. Top it off - my old best friend, from elementary school on up, is pregnant with a boy. This is the one girl who gets everything she wants, no matter who she has to hurt to get it, and will not hesitate to walk all over you. So needless to say - I am pretty upset.
On top of that - lately, I seem to be second guessing Erik's intentions with our relationship. I know in the civilian world to be dating for 2.5 years is normal, but in the military world - its virtually unheard of. However, despite that - its more or less that I am moving 600 miles away from my family and friends to be with him and I don't even have more than his word that he intends on marrying me. So that's also something that has been bothering me lately. I'm not sure why it has been, and why I have been letting it get to me but it does. It just doesn't seem fair that I have sacrificed so much for him - for our love - and it still doesn't seem to be enough.
Just some thoughts - we are on the end part of a 10 hour car drive to Kentucky. I was thankfully, able to spend the bulk of it working. Thanks to Android's app - Wireless Tether! I worked 6 hours out of a 10 hour drive.
As far as the picture project goes - I want to start on that after the holidays are over with. So I will be sharing pictures :) And allowing people to learn more about me. But I do want to take this time to wish everyone a Happy Holiday Season as well as a Merry Christmas! Remember there are many service members deployed protecting our freedoms this season, whether it be on land, sea, or air and their families will be alone without them. So take the time to say a prayer for them this season. I hope everyone has a magical Christmas, and a great new years!
I am going to try and get better about posting - because clearly I have things I need to get off of my chest.

-Anne!

Photo Challenge

On a quick side note, I am sort of interested in doing this picture challenge, to kind of explore myself and share things about me with everyone.


Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts


Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the craziest things with

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture and a letter

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 31 - A picture of yourself


-Here's to trying new things!

Busy!!

I have been so busy lately, I haven't had time to breathe, relax, or even blog! My oh my! Well despite all the busyness, I haven't really had anything new happen lately. We got back from Jacksonville FL safe and sound, and found a place to live. It's been sort of go - go - go since. I've head dived back into work, and am really excited about taking on more duties. I've done a ton, and I mean a TON, of baking lately. And more importantly, Christmas shopping, and just seeing family and spending time with people. I am almost completely done with Christmas shopping! I have a few things to run out to the store and get today, as well as getting my hair done and eyebrows waxed, you know you have to look good for those off guard Christmas pictures. But outside of that nothing really new. Well except - more medical issues, and Erik is now officially on shore duty. Meaning no more deployments for at least three years!! But I will write more later, in a rush to get everything done!

Happy Holidays Everyone!!
-Anne

Golly Molly

It seriously is starting to feel like things are just getting worse and worse here in Jacksonville, and I just want to go home! We can't find anything, no where to live. I mean there are plenty of homes for sale and apartments for rent.. but nothing for us. Nope. Partially because, we want to buy, just not right now when we don't know the area. And because no one wants to rent anything to us for three months, we were just going to do an early termination - and that got expensive, really, really fast. So, I caved. I called my mommy and they are going to have a real estate agent give Erik a call, and we are hoping that they will have some connections with a place for three months - something that will give us a roof over our heads. I'm also having Erik give Navy Housing a call in the morning, as much as I know he does NOT want to give up BAH, it would be so much easier, and smarter to do naval housing and then buy a home - no contract, and we can up and leave whenever. The crappy thing is - we aren't married (to the military at least - personally I could care less if I have a document showing me that he loves me) so that makes it harder in the military world. But if we can't do housing - hopefully there is something they can do to help - a place they know or can advise us with. Who knows - anything at this point will help. We stuck together yesterday, and hopefully we can stick this out and will be able to come home to Virginia Beach this weekend knowing we have a place we can call home for 3 months or less. 
Fingers Crossed.

Getting there

So yesterday was a little stressful for us, and unfortunately I tend to have a bad habit of taking it out on my lovebug or getting snappy before thinking. And yesterday wasn't really different. We did go and see a few places, some that I didn't like and one that we really liked. Unfortunately, the one we really liked is at the top end of our budget (we try and stay under BAH) so we shall see, we are actually going to visit one of their sister companies today who I think are slightly cheaper and closer to base, so maybe that'll be the winner?? Who knows.. but back to the stress. Erik's been pretty stressed out about finding a place, he is more of the I want to find a place, and get it done now guy - very similar to his shopping habit (go figure). Erik was deployed when I found and moved into our current apartment. He was home when we rented a beach house - but that was really easy to choose from :) so this is a new ball game to him. And I do forget that, and really should be more patient with him. BUT when it comes to driving, I have not a clue where I am going, and am horrible at reading maps and giving distances (like really, how can you tell how far up a mile is??) . Well yesterday was one of those days, again, that we bickered for a little bit (because it never really lasts longer than 15 minutes, lol!) . Erik's gotten really used to me and Virginia Beach, and me knowing every road, where its at, the back roads if 264 is backed up, the shortcuts, basically knowing Virginia Beach like the back of my hand. Well I have never been to Jacksonville - never wanted to go either. And so the navigation has been putting us at each others throats. On top of that - Erik's a little worried about not finding a place, where as I know it just really takes time and exploring and I am a little bit more laid back with it (especially since I've done this before, and not too long ago). But even though I know Erik is stressed over all of this, when he gets snippy, or upset I get snippy or upset right back at him. Sigh... I know I shouldn't, I really do know this, but part of me feels attacked when he does it, so it's more of an instinct to go right back at him. So last night wasn't an exception, I took it a little bit harder than normal  (I've been super emotional lately, not really sure if it is because of the new environment or what but I'm ober emotional). So anyhow, we talked it over after about 15 minutes, and he finally realized (on his own, because I wasn't going to say it) that this is a lot harder on me than him and that we are both out of our element and need to sort of relax.
So we are going to take a day, and only visit 2 apartments maximum and go explore and relax more importantly. Because it's stressful, but we also need to rely on each other during this and not fight about it because that will only add to the load. So sometime this week will be some much needed relaxing.
So hopefully, these emotional hormones go somewhere else, because I really am tired of crying at the drop of a pin. And hopefully we have some good luck today with the house hunting and hopefully some daylight hours to go drive around the neighborhoods we are looking to buy in.

-Anne

On a side note, I am really still trying to figure out how to make my blog all pretty, so please be patient, hopefully here soon I can figure out how to make a pretty signature. :) Any recommendations or suggestions would be great.

Jacksonville...

So everyone, we made it safely down to Jacksonville FL on our house hunting leave. The drive wasn't too bad at all just under 9 hours from the beach, and it was a pretty clear shot - which is always nice. We did drive through some snow which I took like a billion pictures of. But we are here..
So let me start with saying this is my first PCS move with Erik. I've moved before with my family when I was younger, but that is completely different. I am trying really hard to have an open mind about the area and just sort of take it for what it is. Honestly, I was really hoping that I was going to love the place as soon as we got here. But that wasn't the case.
Everything here is so different from Virginia Beach, and everything is so BIG. I feel as if I've never lived in a city before, which isn't true - I've lived on the outskirts of Virginia Beach my whole life - and Virginia Beach is a pretty big place (at least I thought it was). But like I was saying everything is so big, the bridges are huge - taller than buildings - and its just so much. I have no clue where anything is or where the good areas are at. We've done a ton of driving around and exploring and it isn't hard to find the not so nice area's. Price wise - living is cheaper here by a big amount. I just don't know - I know I am really nervous about moving so far away from my family (even though I don't have the best relationship with them, they are still my family) and moving away from friends who I have grown so close with. I'm nervous about what people are like here- we took a trip to the base commissary and NEX and people were so rude, and there isn't even a package store here!! But back to people - they are rude and don't really seem to care about what anyone thinks, says, or does. I know there are rude people everywhere, but seriously. I'm also really worried about making new friends (yes that sounds completely dumb and childish but here me out). It's always been my experience in the Navy world, that wives just plain and simply don't like girlfriends and vice versa. I get along great with everyone for the most part - and I try really hard to stay away from drama and give people respect - so I expect the same in return. A lot of Navy Wives have the attitude of being better than girlfriends, because they have the ring, the last name, and the benefits, and many seem to forget that at some point they themselves were girlfriends (this is just my experience - not stereotyping). With that said - being a girlfriend blows sometimes (not relationship wise) I don't have the reliability of the Navy taking care of me while Erik was deployed, if something (god forbid) had happened while he was gone - I wouldn't of known until his family called me. I don't have a lot of security - I'm simply moving 700 miles away from my home to be with him, for love. Anyways- basically - I'm worried that I won't have the same luck that I have had with my navy friends in Virginia. I am also really, really worried about my safety here, certain areas are really bad and we aren't intending on living there - but ever since a Navy Wife was murdered by her upstairs neighbor in a nice apartment complex in Virginia Beach, I have been worried. I know we have guns, and I know we are generally safe people - but it is still really worrisome to move somewhere so far, and not know your just who lives near you.
I know at first it's going to be hard and that nothing comes easy. But I'm just nervous I guess - It's hard to explain it to Erik because he has already moved a few times, and hates Virginia Beach (an argument we got into the other day... uhh I hate when we are stressed out!). I'm hoping we have better luck apartment hunting today - we are going to sign a lease and then just terminate it early. We are really wanting to buy a home and down here the time is great - the housing market is at a low and the prices are perfect for where we want to be. Plus I hate paying rent - I rather have that money going towards somewhere we own.
On a side note the time here hasn't exactly been fun nor pleasant so far and that isn't because of the freezing weather or because Erik and I are stressed, its because his friend we are staying with, Devin (they are really good friends, and used to work together at NAS Oceana) and Devin's girlfriend Crystal (whom I am trying really hard to be friends with - since she is the only one I will know here) are constantly arguing - over dumb stuff. But it makes it one hard to concentrate - work wise, because I am hardwired to the Internet in the living room - and two it just makes the overall mood of the environment pretty shitty. I hate it. I hate feeling uncomfortable and having to hear them argue. It'd be different if they took it behind closed doors and kept it hush hush but that isn't the case. But at least it's better than paying for a hotel.
Enough rambling I guess - back to work for a few more hours and then back to house hunting. Fingers crossed that we find a place in a nice area.

Better :)

Thankfully today was a somewhat better day than what I've been having. I finally got the results on my thyroid and sure enough my levels are down and the up'd my dosage. I can't wait to pick it up tomorrow and get on the road to feeling better. The joy's that I will get to deal with until, quite literally, the day that I die. But on a lighter note- once I feel better, things will me much, much better.
Work is going wonderful. I was offered more hours and more responsibilities, which I love. So I am really, really happy about that. And more hours means more money, which lets face it is always a plus.
School is winding down to an end, I've taken 2 finals and have 3 more to go. I've turned in one paper and have one more to write. I'm just glad this semester is over with. I'm not exactly sure what is going to happen with the GI bill because I am pretty sure I failed Anatomy and Physiology horribly. Never again will I take the lecture portion online. That ruined me. But you live and learn.
The only really bad thing about today was that Erik and I got into a tiff because he couldn't find a tool and of course yelled at me about it. But felt horrible about it a few minutes later. None of our bickering 'tiffs' never really last longer than 15 minutes but still it can dampen the mood for quite some time. But anyways.
So thankful to be on the road to recovery for tomorrow. It's going to be a busy, busy day. I've got work, a physics test, training, and vet appointment on base, and a waxing appointment. Only to come home do a load of laundry and pack for Florida.
I'm pretty excited about house hunting leave and anxious to see where I'm moving to, and what it's like there. :) I think it will be a load of fun and I am always down for exploring.
Till tomorrow- I hope everyone has a wonderful nights sleep, and has a blessed day tomorrow.