Tuesday, October 25, 2011

More jumbled thoughts

Lately, Erik and I fight over dumb things. It's pretty retarded for the most part - but it makes my mood absolutely horrible. I hate when he leaves things on our kitchen island - or any counter for the most part - partially because I'm borderline OCD about it but it drives me crazy. And I swear there is this little voice in his head telling him to do it because it pisses me off. So - after 6 months of arguing over it finally we get somewhere - we'll see just how long it lasts. We always tend to fight in the car - which is bad - I like to talk after we fight, Erik doesn't. So we go into church pissed off at each other, and about 10 minutes into the service, we're over it. I can't help but laugh about how we really can't stay mad at one another very long.

I've been working on cutting out caffeine. Soda isn't the issue - I don't drink it, except for the occasional Spirit but coffee is another story. I'm realizing tho - that it doesn't affect me like it used to. I tend to get headache's now when I drink it too much. It sucks, because I do love coffee. So I figure once a week is more than okay.

I've been doing a bit better on my bad days, I try to remind myself that no matter how I feel that day - I am pretty. I try not to guilt trip myself when I have a piece or two of Halloween candy, or a bowl of ice cream. I have a horrible sweet tooth, I always have. One thing I can't quite knock is the urge to take a diet pill or two. I know they're still hidden in the house, so whenever I see the scale moves in a way I didn't want it to - that tends to cross my mind. But I'm working on it - instead I try to remind myself that I need to take the dog on a long walk, or I need to make that workout dvd that I insisted on buying - a bit more resourceful. I try - but it doesn't mean I'm bulletproof. I used to be really awesome about getting into the gym and running, and working out in general. I haven't been so good at it since the move. I know the number on the scale is a lot better than it used to be, but I'm still about ten pounds away from my goal weight. I just want to feel and look pretty again - I know I'm pretty now, but I want to feel pretty. If that makes any sense at all.

I definitely would be lost if I hadn't found an awesome friend to go riding with. It's made such a difference to be back on and near horses again. I really feel a lot happier, having that aspect of my life back. Knowing that even on my bad days, I can go and escape the realities of the world - and just ride out in the middle of a forest is the most amazing thing ever. There is nothing like hugging a horse, and just feeling your worries melt away.

Monday, October 17, 2011


Truth be told I'm struggling lately. Not with the obvious (Florida or wedding things) but with much more than that. I've been really struggling with loosing weight lately, I've had more bad days than good days and I don't like it. Bad days are days where my mind is already on the next day and where I can't help but think about what I've eaten, what I want to eat, and what I shouldn't eat. I can't help but stare at my problem areas when I look or walk by a mirror. I worry about how the shirt I am wearing might make my stomach look. And I mostly worry about the number on the scale. It's something I've struggled with for almost 8 years, it gets easier but the bad days never do. Its almost an obsession at times, at least for me. Looking at images all day or some days of other girls with the perfect body, it becomes hard not to get caught up in the comparisons, in the 'what ifs'. I worry constantly how I look on my bad days. I worry about why I choose to eat breakfast or how I can speed up my metabolism, what exercises might help burn the most fat or tone all the right places. The hardest is getting past all the thoughts, all the mean thoughts that go on in my head or the thoughts that pop up  every time I look in the mirror. Its hard to mute those thoughts. The thoughts that I'm referring to are the nasty comments I keep in my brain, that I don't have the guts to tell Erik what I really think, or those thoughts that just are burrowed down so deep - the emotional scars. The one's where I'm constantly thinking about 'how fat I am' or how 'jiggly my stomach looks' or how 'if I just take maybe a few diet pills, the 10 pounds might just come off quicker'. But I know a few diet pills turns into months of them, and I have gained the control to stop taking them completely. I just don't know how to get past these thoughts that come around on my bad days. I don't know how I got lucky enough to find someone who really loves me and adores me and really just tries to understand or make it better. I just don't think he really can understand the thought process my brain goes through at times.
Recently I found out that my thyroid medication lists anxiety as a side affect and after doing some research on how to naturally (within my diet and vitamin balance) ward that off - turns out coffee and caffeine help hinder anxiety. My latest obsession - coffee. So for me that means only drinking caffeine drinks twice a week. I haven't ever really been a heavy soda drinker - and I maybe have a Sprite once in a while but other than that I don't drink it. I do however have a love for Starbucks (especially their nonfat, peppermint white chocolate mocha's. yummm) So I guess with all things, comes limitations and finding a happy medium. I did find that green tea, which I love, is good for me and eases anxiety. I think I really will get on the ball on doing more 'lists' that way I can focus on what's at hand, rather than letting my mind wander to tomorrow.

On the upside, the weather here has been extremely nice lately. So nice in fact we've been able to keep the AC off aside from maybe 3 days or so. I love having our windows open, and fresh air blowing through the house. Not to mention I have a feeling we are going to love our electric bill that much more this month. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for some fall weather! I love the colder weather - not super cold where there is freezing temperatures, but like the high 50's, mid 60's temperatures. Just enough for jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a scarf - I loveeeeee scarves.

I'm really hoping for a better week, a better half of the month really. I can't handle another beginning of the month. So here's to having hope for more good days, and faith for happier days, and love for everyday.