Thursday, March 31, 2011


Change is inevitable. We all know this, but somehow when your in a relationship your blind to it all. Ever since we got to Jacksonville, Erik isn't like he used to be with me. Granted, I know I am partially to blame for this. I did a lot of pushing away during our last few weeks in Virginia Beach. But when I need him the most here, it seems like he doesn't care. We got into an argument last night, because I'm frustrated. I hate being 'locked' in the apartment all day long. And he doesn't exactly get it. I try to explain that unless it pertains to him, then we don't leave the apartment. And that totally isn't his fault. That's every person's flaw, we all are guilty of it. I know I am. It's like I talk to him and he takes what he wants from our conversation, like he doesn't understand me or what I am saying. This morning, I thought was going to be a great day, just maybe. Well I woke up and burnt the crap out of my finger, a painful second degree burn. And I am at home, no car, so even if it was bigger there would be no way of getting to a doctor. Then Erik calls, and is telling me some news and asks whats wrong, I tell him I burn my finger and it hurts like hell. He asks how and laughs at me when he hears the answer. Yes, my boyfriend laughs at me. Whatever. I get pissed hang up on him, send him a text telling him he is mean.. and I get called the Drama Queen.

What I am getting at, is a year ago.. this never would of happened. People change. I need to learn to accept that rather than dwelling on the used to be. Relationships are work, most of it comes naturally but not all of it. Some things need to be worked at, accepting change is one of them. Realizing when there is stress or you are getting into a stressful situation such as house buying, it changes a persons attitude. I know I'm not perfect and maybe I am more emotional than ever before.. but that's something I need to work at.

Back to the rainy stormy day. Hopefully they don't get too bad.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Another hump day..

This one car thing, sucks. I really don't know how couples deal with this, I know I sound like a completely spoiled brat. But seriously, before this I always had my car. Always. If Erik was at work and I needed to go get something for dinner, or I needed to go somewhere, or hell if I wanted to go somewhere. I could. Now.. I can't. I almost feel as if I am in a really nice jail. Lol. Okay that sounds a little drastic. But you get the point.

I don't get to go anywhere, unless Erik is home and wants to go. And honestly, he works 10 hour days so I can't blame him when I am dying to get out of the house and go anywhere, heck even WalMart starts sounding good, and he doesn't want to go. There are definitely joys to my job, especially since it made this move so much easier financially, and they are so flexible with me during our house hunt. But down here, I don't have a coworkers house to go to. I don't have anyone to work with.

On a positive note, music has been amazing lately. In case you don't know me, I get on these huge kicks out of no where. Like on anything. I was on a grilled cheese kick when I got down here, and a massive Ho-Ho kick, which I still am.. yummm!!! But I get on other kicks too, my newest is definitely back to music. I used to be a big music person, and now I am back to that. I can't work without music playing. It definitely makes the apartment feel not as lonely.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Because everyone knows when it's quiet you can't exactly help but think. I've been taking a lot of things for granted lately, or at least not appreciating them like I thought I would. I really need to refocus myself, and not get upset at the little things that occur or don't go the way I want them to go. I used to be such a laid back person and go with the flow and then deployments happened. No it isn't an excuse, just an explanation. Things like that change you.

I need to get my pretty little self back to work, hopefully the sun will come out, but according to the weather man we are getting nothing but thunderstorms. Dawg gone it! Happy Hump Day!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

excitment and let downs

So this house hunting thing is definitely a roller coaster. There are ton's of houses of there, many have what you want but it boils down to the smallest things. Do I like this layout? Can our furniture fit in here? Do we really need these 42" cupboards? Is the backyard large enough? Do we like the stucco? What about the safety of a corner lot? Can we afford to put new carpet in? Will the seller accept this offer? There are so many questions!! There are also thousands of other buyers who are looking, waiting for the hot price to go down just a few thousand, looking for almost all the updates we dream about. Then just when you think you found the one, and can handle all the repairs (if there are any) someone else snatches it up, from right out under you. One minute your excited, the next night your scared to be excited. So that's been an adventure we've been going through lately. And I don't think I am going to share any details or photo's until we are in a contract, then closed and it's our house, just because I am terrified to jynx anything.

On another note, Florida has been a lot better. It's been frustrating waiting for my paychecks to get here in the mail. The change of address was a mess, not to mention the change of address on top of the apartments assigning us a the wrong apartment. Ughhh.. that did not create the funnest situation. So I've been wanting to go to Saint Augustine, which is only 20 minutes away from our apartments. There is a lot to do, the beach, and shopping. So we were supposed to go last weekend, but didn't since we went to look at houses instead, and because my paychecks had not arrived yet. So we were going to go this weekend. Then Erik gets a text message from a friend asking him to go camping. I hate telling him no, ya know? I mean yeah, I do get a little upset when our plans get canceled or moved around and stuff, but he hasn't been home for the past two years, and he deserves to hang out and camp and stuff. It's not like I don't know he hates shopping, but it's not like I can't go by myself. We have one car until my Jeep gets here. Plus it's no fun going alone! I don't have any girlfriends really down here. Ughh.. moving sucks sometimes. But I don't know.. I want to tell him to go and then I want to say no, we had plans. It's dumb.. really it is. I know this. But I don't want to be the wicked girlfriend all the time. We're going to have a lot of things going on and I know it'll make it tough to hang out with friends, and do the things we want to do. I don't know..

The sun hasn't been out here lately, but my garden is going nutso! It makes me happy knowing I have a 'green  thumb'. I can't wait to expand it once we are in a home. Hopefully Mr. Sunshine will be out soon!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Thirsty Thursday ;)

I must say, I am really loving this Florida sunshine. Now I see why it's called the sunshine state.

My mind has been running a mile a minute since we got here, something that probably never will change until things are 'settled' in at the new house. I'm a big decorator, one of those typical little southern ladies you see at the Home Goods store, trying to decide if a certain piece will fit in, or if it's just a good excuse to redecorate the whole room. Yes, I am that person. And being here... not knowing weather or not we want to decorate is driving me crazy. I don't want to do a whole bunch of decorating if we are going to be moving out of here next month. It just wouldn't make sense.. and I know that. But staring at white walls all day is annoying.

Now, that Erik is back at work, finally. Don't get me wrong, I love that he is home and I love his friday's off. But as anyone in a long term, 'co-habitating' relationship knows, you just need some space. And well I can't excatly go anywhere since my Jeep is in Virginia Beach. But.. now that he is back at work, my schedule is finally getting back into a routine again. Thankfully.. it's nice to have my own routine again.

But anyhow, I need to get back to work. And on a seperate note.. I am really hoping my mailman shows up today with my checks.. this waiting game is not fun, and is certainely creating some stress. Oh!! I almost forgot, I can start shopping for horse stuff again :) Whoo Hoo!! I'm hoping to find a place with great board and get a horse soon.

Happy Thirsty Thursday!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Oh more house hunting

So we are now venturing into this huge home buying ordeal. Don't get me wrong I am absolutely ecstatic to get into a actual home where I can paint, and decorate, and move things at 2 in the morning on a watch night. Where I can run around in next to nothing and be a complete goof and not worry about having the music up too loud for my neighbors and when I don't have to get annoyed at my neighbors for being too loud. More than anything I just can't wait to put the years of HGTV watching and Southern Living reading to good use! To plant my garden, and to have our home.
Sometimes I feel as if even the smallest things are so jumbled up for me, like I should have boundaries but I don't. I know that makes no sense.. let me explain my thinking a bit.. it might or might not help. As a girlfriend there are certain things that are 'off limits' such as finances, knowing billing statuses, big purchases things like that and things that are okay.. but I don't feel like that. We are so open about everything, it doesn't ever feel like things are off limits. Venturing into this home buying with Erik, it's hard to know my place in all of this. Do I say I love this house? Do I say I absolutely hate it? It's hard sometimes, I know deep down it will be our home but in reality it's his house. We've been together for a while, and sometimes it is just hard to know where I stand.

We were up house hunting last night, and man do some people not have a decorating bone in their body. Some of these houses are just decorated horrifically. It's like a crack head went through and decorated it.. horrible. There are some pretty interesting things you see looking through all the homes that are for sale.

On a separate note I am feeling a lot better, I'm a lot happier and more like my 'normal' self.. I've been off birth control for two weeks now, I can't wait to see what a month brings.. It's just good to be getting back to myself again. I don't feel like I have a boulder pressing down on me anymore and I feel like I can tackle just about anything. Thank goodness. On top of that I have lost about 5 pounds already. I don't know if its necessarily the birth control or if it's just myself eating healthier and wiser. What I do know is I am about 15 pounds away from my goal weight, thankfully, and in 15 pounds I will be the weight I was when I graduated high school. Even if I only loose 10 more pounds, I will still be happy. I don't necessarily think it will be hard, but I think its definitely do-able. I'm starting to volunteer at the horse farm this Sunday, and that in its self is a workout, have you ever worked at a barn? Definitely an all around workout. But I am excited! I'm thrilled to be getting to work with my passion again, and knowing we are house hunting in that area makes it even more exciting :)

Happy Hump Day!

Sunday, March 20, 2011


Wow.. I've never really felt so alone in my life. I mean crap, even when Erik was 10,000 miles away during deployment I knew there were other ladies going through it as well. But now - this alone feeling is become so overwhelming so fast. Ever since we got here, I've been the one working, putting things together, unpacking, organizing, everything. All while Erik sits there and plays freaking call of duty. I know, I should be happy that he is here this time, and that I spoiled him by doing it all last time. And I know, that I don't communicate the best. But really - I have unpacked the entire apartment, alone.
I've got no one here, aside from Erik of course. I don't have my Jeep, that had to stay in Virginia, so therefore I have to rely on Erik for everything. I don't have any friends, no sense of being or any sense of where I am at here. I just feel so alone and absolutely lost. And oh man, has the homesickness sunk in. Especially when Erik makes me upset, and I have no one to turn to but to send a friend whose 700 miles away a text message, and even then it doesn't help. I just feel so absolutely alone and out of place...

It didn't hit me until yesterday, just how sucky moving as a girlfriend can be. Just how much I've given up. I don't have residency, well anywhere really. I don't have a 'home', I now get to pay triple the cost of college because I don't qualify for instate tuition. I have to forfeit my Virginia's driver's licence over and get one in Florida, oh at the cost of $80 I might add. I don't get anything for this. Shit, when your a wife there are all of these 'acts' and 'laws' protecting you, you have the Spousal Residency Act, so you can keep your residency should you wish, oh and to get instate tuition all you have to do is fork over a copy of your husband's orders. Everything is so much simplified as a spouse, now I see why people tell you to wait to move.

Dear Navy... I hate you for this PCS move. I just want to go home...

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Feeling Productive

Well it has been a very productive past few days, and I am feeling really productive today. Erik is checking into his new command this morning, and beginning his first day of work there. Yay for shore duty!! We've done a lot of unpacking, and by we I mean me, and Erik's done a lot of buying the past few days. We had a drawer crisis - at our old apartment they had these storage racks in the closet which I used instead of drawers, and Erik - being Navy - takes up a lot of drawers and not a lot of closet space (aside from dress uniforms and button ups of course) so it worked out.. well here we have a huge closet with no storage racks. So we had to go to Ashley and get the matching dresser chest. And we have a second bedroom now - so with pending visitors - I hoped on craigslist and scored us a nice (barely used, if ever) queen guest bed and mattress for $250! Thank goodness for being in a military town were people are PCSing all the time - the family we are picking it up from has used it like 4 times, and are PCSing and can't take the extra weight so it worked out.
So today, I am working and decorating, and unpacking all the boxes in my office/guest room to make room for it. I always feel super productive when Erik is gone. No joke. I did all the decorating when he was deployed last year, thanks to a bottle of wine and a sleepless night. But it works for us. I love decorating and he doesn't mind not having a say so. Hahaha! Every girls dream right? I do ask, but I always get the whole "As long as you like it baby" or the "What ever looks good and makes you happy"

On another note. I've been really frustrated lately concerning my dog, I had to leave her in Virginia Beach until we close on a home. I love my dog enough to know that I can't put her in an apartment, she would go nutso. She lives in a home with my parents, her same home since she was a few months old for the past 10 years. I'm not really sure how the move will affect her, and I am really hoping she will be okay. She also has horrible skin issues that I am trying so hard to fix, I've been to countless vet appointments since October and get some improvement and it just gets worse. It hurts me to see her like this, and it breaks my heart leaving her. It's frustrating having to be so far away from her when there is so much important things going on right now, it's also frustrating knowing my parents aren't exactly being straightforward and honest with me and knowing I have to rely on them to take her. I have a lot of built up anger towards them and I am really trying my hardest to let it go. But my dog is important and its hard knowing that I can't trust them 100%. I offer to fly up to take her to the appointments and get promised that they will take her, and then a week before her appointment I am told "oh we changed the appointment" her appointments shouldn't be changed, they are the dates/times they are because of the medicine she is on. Also, it doesn't add up when I get a call from the vet confirming the original appointment. I'm just frustrated. I want to do whats right for my dog. I know putting her in a 1200 sq foot apartment with no backyard isn't fair to her. But I also know that relying on my parents who aren't being helpful isn't fair either. Ughh... we'll see if I need to fly back to Virginia Beach or not to take her. Why can't they just be honest and helpful with me - it's one hour of their day?!

But back to work I go.. and back to decorating and unpacking! I've got a lot to do while Erik's at work!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Home is where the Navy sends you

Settling in.. man it sure takes time. Well this girl here is super obsessive about having everything just right where it needs to be, or should be. I am totally a much cuter, nicer Martha Stewart.. I like having things look pretty all the time. I clean, and clean, and clean, and decorate, and organize. Just sort of how I have always been, since believe it or not I was a kid. I always put up my toys, well until I hit teenage hood.
But anyways... we are slowly getting there. Definitely not has fast as I wanted, but getting there. I got a lot of my clothes unpacked today. Realized I have plenty of room to go shopping, yay! My office is getting set up - I've got my desk all together. I just need to go through the room and unpack the rest of the boxes that are in here.. there are a good 6 or 8 still to go.
We went and got a dresser chest for our room, since Erik takes up a lot of drawers. So I now have somewhere to put my clothes at. We need to start browsing craigslist for a guest bed since my good friend is coming to visit next month, and then Erik's parents shortly after.

But it's all coming together... off to bed because this girl is exhausted!

Monday, March 14, 2011


Well we made it here. Friday was a really hard day for me, we went to breakfast with my parents. And man was it delicious, but it was bittersweet. My mom came back to the apartment with me and helped me get everything that wasn't packed, packed, and everything cleaned up for the walk through. I went back to her house and waited for Erik to do the walk through. It was so hard to say goodbye to her, a lot of tears. We got on the road around 2 and headed south. We got to South of the Border at 630 ish, and what a disappointment. Errr! I was so looking forward to it, more than usual because I needed something to be excited about. Well it, to put it bluntly, sucked. We ended up spending the night in Florence, South Carolina. We of course had to sneak funny bunny into the hotel room, since it was a no pets, but whatever she was in a cage thing. Poor bunny has to be traumatized by now. We went to eat at Chilli's, and it sucked. I wasn't really hungry because I was so emotional. But yeah.. Erik made a comment that really got to me, basically saying he felt bad for taking me away from my family, and that he didn't know I would handle it like this. How the heck was I supposed to handle it?! My family is my life, even though we have our ups and down's, we are still close. I hated leaving my friends, and friends who have become family.
We left the next morning at about 8, that was a long painful ordeal. I forgot the rabbit's water dropper bottle thing in the hotel room, and had to go get a new key since we had checked out. Erik wanted me to just find him on the highway - CRAP! - and I in turn got very very upset, I felt like he wanted to leave me behind. Eventually we got there, at about 1. And then everything hit the fan. - of course.
First, the weigh station was about 15 minutes south of the new apartment complex, so I thought I would brave it and just meet him there. Well - hello Mr. Panic Attack. In case you (if anyone is even reading this) don't know, Florida's speed limit, at least where I am at, is 70. Yes, 70. In Virginia Beach its 55! That's a big difference!! So the garmin starts doing this 'recalculating, recalculating, recalculating' and people are zoooming by me. Yeah - not good. But I got there without having to do any cookies (uturns). So I get a head start on signing the lease, and then Erik gets there and signs the lease. So we go into our apartment, and start looking around - it's the wrong apartment!! Yes, you heard me right - the wrong apartment!! So we go back down there, and by this time Erik is taking everything out on me - yelling, getting mad, the whole bit. So he does in to talk to them. And I call my mom crying, I wanted to go home, I wanted to leave right that very minute. So eventually we get into the right apartment. And get that whole situation all taken care of. Erik's friends Devin and Randy came over to help move the big stuff, and Devin's girlfriend Crystal came along to help too. It didn't take long to get it all moved in. We went and got dinner and crashed.
Yesterday was a good day though. I woke up and we called the apartment comcast guy and left him a message. And went and ran errands. Went to walmart and got new shower heads, as well as a bunch of other things - including a wine floor mat for the kitchen sink. Then went to Target and got a new shower curtain, and a new liner for our guest bathroom. Finally, we went to Home Depot and I got some flowers and pots and things to grow flowers. I bought some beautiful Gerber daisies, calla lillies, and hibiscus. I also got some herbs since that is something I've always wanted to grow. So that was a nice adventure. We got a lot accomplished yesterday unpacking wise and such.
We ventured over to the base to go to the NEX and the Furniture NEX - turns out they were closed. Super duper dumb! What kind of NEX is closed by 6 or on Sundays?! Not the one in Virginia Beach - oh and I saw the base hospital - OMG! How tiny!! It's like a 1/4 of the size of Portsmouth Naval.
Anyhow - OH! I am also going to on a week with no birth control, and haven't felt better. My mood is getting better and I'm not so up and down anymore. I've got a lot to do today, after I get done working. So it will be an adventure. We unfortunately won't have cable or internet until Wednesday - which really really stinks! I mean, I work based on the internet. So today I am sitting at Panera, using their internet. Which is annoying. But its kind of neat to people watch and work. So anyhow... back to work I go.

I hope everyone else has a great Monday.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I love Mom.

I've been having really mixed emotions about leaving lately. And it wasn't until I had a heart to heart with my mom last night and really told someone how I was feeling that I felt better. Maybe it's just my mom making it better. Either way, she always fixes everything and does it with such grace its amazing. But I think I've come to terms with it, it's a good thing I did since the moving truck is pretty much completely packed, and we just have a few more boxes to put into it today.

It was nice to tell my mom how I have been feeling and just get a hug and reassurance. Especially lately, with Erik being so on edge about everything under the sun. I've really had to become more vocal about not tolerating his attitude towards me when things don't come out like they should. He's gotten a lot better about recognizing when he talks to me in a rude or unpleasant tone and apologizing as well. Communication is the key. This season, and these up's and down's are all new to us - we've never had this time together, nor had the opportunity to really share a move together either. So it's a new adventure.

I've also noticed that I believe my birth control is causing a lot of depression and anxiety. So hopefully once my PCM change goes through, since I am switching regions, I can see someone and get it all straightened out. As well as what is causing this pain, because it's back with revenge.

So we head out tomorrow, after breakfast with my parents, and will stop for the night in South Carolina. I was promised a trip to South of the Border and I am really happy about that. It looks like a neat quirky place, which has my name written all over it. So I probably won't be posting again until next week unless I can get my Droid App working. We should have Internet on Monday, but there is a lot of unpacking to do. And I still have to work, but it will work out.

So wish us luck on our move (if anyone is out there) and I will post when I can :)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

This week is the week..

Wow! So it's really here?! Moving day is Friday! I can't believe it. I honestly don't know whether or not to laugh or cry. I spent my weekend doing lunch with my mom on Saturday and some shopping. I will actually admit it, I did a lot of shopping this weekend. I went shopping with my mom on Saturday, and got some great things. I found this adorable key/coat hook that I have been wanting for forever and couldn't really find the 'one' but I did, thanks to TJ Maxx. I also found this beautiful turquoise blue wooden lantern for a candle and its big, but it was just one of those I need to have it type things.

OH! And the dollar store was super duper nice to me this weekend!! I got some gorgeous pot planters from their and some office things. I am really excited about having my own office, and plants! It was just a picture perfect shopping trips. I got great deals on everything I bought and am really happy about it all.

Overall it was a great last weekend in Virginia Beach, I do have to keep reminding myself that it isn't my last weekend. It's just a break from the area. I'm really looking forward to what Jacksonville will have to offer and what I will accomplish. So here is to enjoying the week, getting everything packed, and to starting fresh!

OH!!! The best news ever and I forgot to share it! I finished my semester with straight A's!! Whoo Hoo!! Go me!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Horses and Baby Fever

Well, I am getting excited now. About freaking time, right?! Only a week away and now I am getting in the moving mood. Better than nothing though!

So I finally got the brilliant idea of doing some volunteer work down in Jacksonville. Since now it isn't ideal for me to own my own horse, what better than to volunteer and work with rescue horses?! That is probably why I am so extremely excited about the move, but still I am excited. I think it is a great way to help and meet new people and get out of the house. Most of you know I work from home, so I thankfully don't have to worry about finding a job down in Jacksonville, since mine will come with me. But I also don't have the 'coworker envoirnment' which is both good and bad. So I don't really get out of the house much, and won't much there. So I am diving head first into this project and I am so ready to start. Hopefully it doesn't take long to find a place. I have contacted two non-profit organizations as well as the humane society down in Jacksonville. So hopefully I can start helping soon!

Now for the Baby Fever topic. Oh my goodness has it gotten horrible! I didn't think it was bad until my dream last night. Right now it obviously isn't ideal to even consider the idea of getting pregnant, or adding an addition to our life. For one, we aren't even married. And although many couples look down on us living together, and my moving to stay with him, being married is something I won't budge on if I want to have a child. So until that day, I need to keep it out of my mind. But it really is so hard, I know I would be a great mother, but seeing all of my friends who either weren't planning on having children and those who were having babies makes me want one that much more. Especially some of those people who aren't in a position to have a child. Hopefully the horse volunteer and working out will help. Plus we are looking at homes to buy, so that is a big item on our list and I can't wait to start decorating! But I need to just focus on me, and not think about adding a child into our lives, even though I badly want one and everything a child entails. I know I am only 22 but having found out that one it might not be easy to have a child for us, it makes me want one that much more. So well see... just wait it out I guess and hope the matter drifts out of mind soon.

So it is back to packing for me. We still have a lot left to pack, and will be pulling out of Virginia Beach next Friday. So pack, pack, pack I must!!