Grace and Mercy

To me, one of the biggest character flaws that I have is my ability to incorporate grace and mercy into my life. Normally, I am pretty good with having grace and mercy when it comes to strangers, friends, or neighbors. However, when it comes to my family it is the hardest thing to have and I truly struggle with this. I think a lot of it has to do with expecting more from family and parents and siblings. You expect more because you love them and you would go to the end of the world for them, whether you want to admit it or not. Recently, I was made aware of this and it isn’t something I’m proud of. I want to be the best example of how a lady should be, and how more importantly humanity should be to my children.  By not being graceful and showing mercy to my own family, that’s not being a good example or a good person. Anger and frustration have really taken a beating on me emotionally, and really weigh me down. I don’t want to be that angry person that snaps at the drop of a pin. I don’t want to be the person my kids fear, or the person who chases friends off. I need to forgive, truly forgive, and get rid of the anger and frustration that I’m housing and holding on to and let it go. Really let it go.

I really have struggled having a relationship with my middle brother. He struggled with addiction issues and is highly enabled by my parents, mainly my mother. I struggle with being frustrated with him, for not growing up and doing something productive, for moving back home frequently and accepting a lot of handouts. I get frustrated that he is in a craptastic relationship, for reasons unknowing to me, and has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I am so frustrated that two, irresponsible people are bringing a child (another child for her) into this world and they are so unstable themselves. My heart breaks for that little girl. I think it is the most selfish thing they have done to date. But I’ve realized that being frustrated and angry isn’t going to help anyone, remaining angry at my brother for his actions and behavior isn’t going to be beneficial to him or myself. Instead, I should be supportive from a distance and show mercy and grace and move on. Be the better person, be the person I would hope my children would be. I know, it won’t be easy and I know there are chances for me to slip up, but I really need to let this go. It isn’t healthy and it isn’t fair for anyone. So tonight, I plan on calling my brother to catch up with him, to apologize for being ruthless and to help guide him to make sure he takes the appropriate measures that I think he should take as a dad. I worry about him becoming a dad in an unmarried relationship, I truly do. So I really want to help him be a good dad and a good person, I may not be able to help him financially, but I can help him emotionally and I can pray for him.

I also really need to let go of the frustrations I hold with my mom, and that is going to take a lot of time and a lot out of me. I hold a lot of grudges against my mom, and there are a lot of personality traits that really bother me and frustrate me. I tend to get extremely upset with her when she doesn’t tell my dad certain things, and leaves him out to dry. But I need to recognize that, that is their marriage and it isn’t my place to belittle her. I tend to be extremely blunt with her, because she victimizes herself, or she creates bad situations for normal situations. MY attitude won’t help the situation, so I need to distance myself from that and just focus on how I can help without being involved. I need to pray more for my mom instead of getting angry with her and yelling, and creating a ruckus.

I really, think that by showing more grace and mercy towards others and being more forgiving will allow me to live more according to His will and will help me follow God’s plan and allow me to walk closer to Him. I am an extremely emotional person, and I do truly take things to heart so this is a struggle for me. But it is really something that I need to change and is something I need to work on NOW before the boys have a real understanding of what is going on. I want to be a fantastic example of having grace and mercy and that needs to start yesterday now.

What a weekend

Saturday was an emotional day for me, not really sure why or what caused it. But it was. We got a storm in, and it was actually the first real storm that we had gotten since we've been here, and I really hate storms. The scare the beegeez out of me. I rather do a hurricane anyday than a thunderstorm. I know, it isn't exactly understandable. Either way, I was pretty emotional. I think it had a lot to do with the week, it was rather long and the puppy has been wanting to be up and about at 5 in the morning, and I'm the primary care for her, since Erik doesn't get home until 4:30 and then just wants to relax and whatnot. So I was dragging, and it's frustrating not getting help during the week. So I basically lost it, all it took was one little short sentence and I lost it.

It's been a challenge for me, not seeing my family and not being able to help with everything going on. It's also been a big pill to swallow not having real friends here. It seems like everyone is 30 and has children, and that's just not where I am in life right now. But back to my family. I've been feeling pretty neglected by them lately, it's just like I move away and I'm gone, don't worry about me type thing. When I left I kept hearing, oh we'll come visit you soon, soon turned into July, and then now September. I get that my parents work and they aren't retired and just can't come and visit whenever and that my youngest brother is still in school. I understand that. But.. I just feel forgotten. My other brother seems to be going through some stuff lately. I'm pretty positive that alcohol has a lot to do with it and I wouldn't be too surprised if there isn't more to the story than just booze. He isn't exactly hanging around real "friends" more or less the type that just want to be his friend because he has a job. I know I wasn't the best role model for him, and I know I did stupid things and wasn't exactly the best person for a little bit. I just woke up one morning and sort of realized what I was doing wasn't me, it was the people around me and I changed that. But it doesn't seem like my brother is going to have that moment. And I'm pretty worried. I want to fix it, but I'm seven hundred miles away. I also know first hand that you can't just make someone change. If he isn't ready to move on and be responsible, it just won't happen. You can't make someone quit doing certain things, especially when those things help 'release' stress and turn day to day activities into, something else. I know he is pushing my parents buttons and I know that he is twenty and can handle his own, but I'm worried it won't end well. I don't think it will and I just want to keep everyone else from the hurt and pain that it is going to cause.

I'm just to the point of not knowing how to handle things, it's been pretty hard on me since we've gotten here. Erik doesn't really understand, because he's been away from his family for extended periods of time. He's used to it so to say. I'm not, and it hurts feeling like your not a priority on your families list. I don't feel like I matter sometimes. I do talk to my mom during the day through email, and I try to call often. But it's like when I do call they are off living their own lives, which is really what they are supposed to be doing. I just don't feel like I'm part of it anymore since I'm so far away. I really want my dog here, she always is such a joy to be around and is the sweetest dog anyone could ask for. I miss her.

I think it's also disappointing that a lot of people I called friends, have disappeared. All except maybe like three or four tops. The weird thing is, is I should of expected it. When Erik deployed, a lot of 'friends' just disappeared, and I found two girls who are amazing, and are military wives. Funny thing is, those are the only two friends who I've actually kept a relationship with, not the friends who I've been friends with since elementary school. It's a little sad, but it's what I expected.

I guess enough of the rambling, I tend to dwell on things, and it really isn't a good thing to do. I probably should make more of an effort to stop. It isn't good for my sanity and it certainly isn't good for Erik's. On a positive aspect, Sunday was a great day. It was nice to just relax and spend time with him. We ended up going to walmart and got a kiddie pool for the puppy, and she absolutely loves it. The best $15 we've ever spent.

Oh, I might also add that if you are in the market for a Steam Cleaner, for the carpet. I used my Hoover SteamVac with clean surge last night, and I plan on doing the entire house this weekend. I absolutely love it. Definitely a great buy. I got it for a steal and it's pretty stinking awesome.

I hope this week goes well for everyone, including myself. We still need to go out to the old apartment and clean it out and return the keys. But other than that, it should be a quite week and weekend. I'm hoping to get a lot cleaned, and decorated since Erik's parents will be here at the end of the month. It's pretty decorated for the most part, but I'm a girl and I like thinks just right. I'll have to post some updated pictures soon.

Happy Tuesday!

Aww Shucks!

First things first, J from Life as a Secret Squirrels Other Half sent me an award. Me! Okay maybe I think it's pretty neat and you don't but whatever. I don't care. I never really even thought people actually read my blog. Like I know there are 'followers' but I didn't really think people actually read what I wrote. But anyhow.. back to the award. :)

So since it's life, there are rules.
Firstly, to thank the person who gave you the award. So - Thank you J!
Secondly, post 7 random facts about yourself.
Thirdly, pass it along.

So 7 random facts about myself.. hmm.. I seem to be an open book when it comes to things. But I'll give it a shot :)

1. I'm a history nerd, specifically US History, I love learning about it. I love visiting old plantation homes that have been preserved since the 1600-1800's. I just think it's really neat.
2. I may act pretty fearless in real life, and very certain of well - everything. But I have my fears just like everyone else. Example - I am terrified of death, dying, specifically the what happens afterwards aspect. Like I literally have a panic attack every time I think of it.
3. I think I've mentioned it before but I am a medical mess. I have Duane's Retractrion Syndrome and no - it's not as bad as the pictures. But when I take pictures I have to stand on a certain side of Erik so it isn't noticeable. I was joked pretty bad in school about it - dumb kids. I also have Graves Disease which was treated by radioactively killing my thyroid gland and now I am and will be on thyroid pills - synthryoid - for the remainder of my life. I also suffer from migraine's.. but thankfully they have gotten a lot better.
4. I am insane about keeping our house clean. I enjoy having a clean home, and not having to dedicate a whole day a week to cleaning. So I do it daily. It's just us two, and well the furbabies, so there really isn't much to clean up after. But, long story short, I enjoy a clean home.
5. I'm still really new at this blogging thing. I really want to make a cute 'button' as a link to my blog, but haven't a clue how to. I also want to make my page really pretty, but haven't quite figured it out yet. I'd love some help if anyone knows how to do it and wants to help me out :)
6. I'm semi addicted to Facebook. It's on my phone - which is probably horrible.
7. I get really upset when people take advantage of things they have or things that are given to them. The pell grant is a great example of this. It amazes me how much I struggle to pay for school with loans, but yet if Sally want's to go get knocked up and have a baby then she'll get a grant to go to school. It isn't exactly fair in my book. But that's an entire other post.

So now... I have to pick some other ladies to award this to. :)


Cassie at A Barton Kind of Family
Hillary at The Kitchen Bitch Blog


Other than that I hope everyone is having a great Thursday, it's almost Friday! I'll post pictures of my newest diy project, which I am pretty proud of, soon. As for now, it's work and busyness of people fixing things and getting fence estimates.

Good to Better to Best

Well I have certainly been feeling a lot better. Not only physically but mentally as well. I've been off of birth control for almost two months now, and I finally feel like I am getting back to my normal, old self. Not only am I like 5 pounds away from what I weighed when I graduated high school and meet Erik, but I also feel a heck of a lot better about the way I look. I know that gaining my self confidence back isn't going to happen overnight, and that it's going to be a slow process. But it's starting and that's what's important to me right now. It's nice to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see, and feel good about how I look. I think there will always be a part of me that will see other girls and compare myself to them, and how they look, and I think that's normal. But what isn't normal is putting myself down for not looking like that. As long as I can remind myself that I, too, am beautiful and I look great too then I think things will go from better to best.

On a separate note, my job is offering the ability to get some certifications with Cisco. Which to me, is really exciting. I always want to be able to not only better myself, but better myself so I can do a better job at my job. Some people might think it's pretty geeky, but I don't. If you worked as a teacher and they made a certification to become better at a grading system, you'd do it right? So - same thing, sort of. It's just nice to have the opportunity to better yourself, and a job that wants their employee's to better themselves. Plus I find this sort of thing interesting. I sort of realize I never really talk about my job, oopps! I work for a company that works hand in hand with other companies to help track their assets and provide maintenance for Cisco products. We have a database system that allows a company to track where they have certain products, and see how many they have at all of their different site's. It's pretty interesting and nifty. I may get a little stir crazy working from home, but I do like my job. It's amazing to be so young and involved with something so big. I will say, it does bother me that when I tell people I work at home, they automatically think it isn't a 'real' job, or that I just sit around on my ass all day on Facebook. No.. not exactly the case. I have deadlines and responsibilities just like every other office job, I have things I have to do, and hours I have to meet and so forth. So yes people it's a real job, stress included.

On a brighter note, in just a few hours we will be official home owners!! Whoo hoo!! I'm so excited and so ready to be in our home and decorate it and make it even more beautiful!

I hope everyone has a great day!

Another hump day..

This one car thing, sucks. I really don't know how couples deal with this, I know I sound like a completely spoiled brat. But seriously, before this I always had my car. Always. If Erik was at work and I needed to go get something for dinner, or I needed to go somewhere, or hell if I wanted to go somewhere. I could. Now.. I can't. I almost feel as if I am in a really nice jail. Lol. Okay that sounds a little drastic. But you get the point.

I don't get to go anywhere, unless Erik is home and wants to go. And honestly, he works 10 hour days so I can't blame him when I am dying to get out of the house and go anywhere, heck even WalMart starts sounding good, and he doesn't want to go. There are definitely joys to my job, especially since it made this move so much easier financially, and they are so flexible with me during our house hunt. But down here, I don't have a coworkers house to go to. I don't have anyone to work with.

On a positive note, music has been amazing lately. In case you don't know me, I get on these huge kicks out of no where. Like on anything. I was on a grilled cheese kick when I got down here, and a massive Ho-Ho kick, which I still am.. yummm!!! But I get on other kicks too, my newest is definitely back to music. I used to be a big music person, and now I am back to that. I can't work without music playing. It definitely makes the apartment feel not as lonely.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Because everyone knows when it's quiet you can't exactly help but think. I've been taking a lot of things for granted lately, or at least not appreciating them like I thought I would. I really need to refocus myself, and not get upset at the little things that occur or don't go the way I want them to go. I used to be such a laid back person and go with the flow and then deployments happened. No it isn't an excuse, just an explanation. Things like that change you.

I need to get my pretty little self back to work, hopefully the sun will come out, but according to the weather man we are getting nothing but thunderstorms. Dawg gone it! Happy Hump Day!