Kiddo's & Deployments

Tips for Children & Military Deployments:

-Show videos (we watch a random youtube one of his boat) of where Daddy/Mommy is. It really helps them understand where they are and why. We talk all the time about how Daddy is fixing airplanes and jets and helicopters and how Daddy is keeping us safe.

-We have a map up in the kitchen with a point of where we are, and where Daddy is. The map is on a cork board so that we can move Daddy's pin around, while they don’t understand it, it helps for them to visualize that Daddy is far away.

-Talk, talk, talk. Let them know its okay to be sad. Let them know you’re sad too. Talk about adventures you’re going to do while Daddy(or Mommy) is gone, and what you’re going to do when Daddy comes home. They don’t understand 8 months, but what they do understand is that right now they are three, and when Daddy comes home they will be 3.5. Daddy is gone for a while

-A jar of kisses. By far, their favorite. We have a big jar full of kisses that they get one every night from Daddy.  It’s easy enough to refill for an extension, or if you live in Nevereverland, eat a ton before homecoming.  I really hated the idea of a paper chain, or a countdown, because it’s just frustrating, especially when you see so many chain links still to go. That isn’t fair to anybody. But a jar of kisses, is a sweet reminder of their Daddy and is less of a countdown tool.

-Have them color pictures and paint pictures for Daddy. Have them go to the store to help do care packages. It helps them feel included.

My biggest advice is to keep the same routine you had before deployment. Don’t drastically change things, or lighten up on things that were done before Dad left. Trust me, I know first hand it’s hard, especially with a newborn, but the older kids need that security.  They need a lot of talking about what’s going on, I’m finding that even if I think they’re okay, which most of the time they are, they still need to be reminded that Daddy IS coming home and that he does love and miss them terribly. They need a lot of reassurance and it’s much easier to give them that security than to deal with the tantrums.  

I hope this helps someone if they find themselves in a similar path, any questions or advice? Would you of done something different? Leave them in the comments. 

Deployment resources for Children:

Military One Source – They have a great guide of things to talk to your children about prior to the deployment and highly encourage talking to even the youngest about what will be happening.

Daddy’s Deployed – A wonderful, wonderful personalized books about the deployment – from beginning to end. It helps put the cycle of deployment into an understandable cycle for children.

Daddy Dolls – I can not rave enough about the quality of these ‘dolls’. They’re really stuffed, shaped pillows. But my boys adore being able to hug dad when they’re missing him.

Pre-D Meltdown

Well, it was a matter of time until the pre-deployment meltdown hit. And my dear, it hit hard.

I've not felt so full of anxiety, worry, and stress in a very long time. All of these changes, all of the enormity of the situation now sits on my chest like a mountain. I'm not so sure if it is the deployment that is really hitting me, or the change of adding our third son to the picture in the same timeframe of the deployment. Not having the familiarity of having Dad around for H&L, but instead having Grandma here for a few short weeks until Mom is cleared from recovery.

I have never felt so terrified in my life that I am doing or going to be doing something wrong. Have I loved them enough? Have I been here enough? Have I explained what is going to happen enough? Why didn't I pay closer attention to a possible early fertile window? What am I doing?

Ironically, I had been looking somewhat forward to this time with H&L prior to finding out about our new addition. The adventures we were going to go on, the fun we would have. They have reached this age where independence is a blessing and life is really a good balance. And now.. I will be adding a newborn to that. Terrifying doesn't begin to explain how I am feeling.

The reality of doing this solo is becoming much more than I can handle, the reality of not having my best friend and biggest ally here during what are going to be the hardest of days is what hits the hardest. It's a lot to even think about.

Sigh... Everything will be just fine. I have to have faith in that, because if not - it would look much more daunting.

The D Word

Well – every time I type this post, I stop. The truth is, I think I’ve tried to ignore it for so long and focus on other things I can control. Ironically, I think that’s a big reason as to why I am 31 weeks pregnant, and still hardly have a nursery or much organized for our newest addition. But, unfortunately, I need to face the music. Deployment is coming, and it’s coming fast.

                The Mr and I haven’t done a deployment in roughly 5 years, we’ve been lucky enough to enjoy a nice shore duty tour and a year of sea duty without a deployment. It’s inevitable, and we knew there would be one coming. Last time he was deployed I was only a girlfriend, and we lived in the same town as my family. This time – we are 800+ miles away, homeowners, and parents. So, a lot has changed for us.

                My biggest concern isn’t myself, or handling it all solo. That is going to be hard, without a doubt, but my biggest concern is my boys, all 4 of them.  The boys have handled the underways pretty seamlessly, but classically get a little antsy and frustrated when Daddy isn’t here to do things that Daddys do. They’re really great about understanding that “Daddy is working” or “Daddy is fixing airplanes and helicopters” or “Daddy’s on the boat”.  I’m just worried about keeping the connection there. 8-10 months for anyone is a long time, but 8-10 months for two three year olds may as well be a lifetime.

                Thankfully there are programs out there, like the United Through Reading Program that the USO promotes and there are resources like Daddy Dolls that I think will help. I’ve seen a couple of pins through pinterest of good books to read to the boys to help them understand. One thing I’d like to stray away from is the chain links with the countdown, homecoming date can change so rapidly, especially in the early days, I really don’t want to give them a specific date and probably won’t tell them until the morning we go to pick him up.

Ultimately, I want to keep this time fun for them – but as routine as possible. I know I have some pretty big challenges ahead with adding our new baby to our family right as he is leaving but it’s really my hope that a sense of normalcy will help curve any hard issues. I’m trying not to get too overwhelmed myself and trying to be mindful to be kind to myself. It’s rather intimidating to be left alone with 3 kids, a dog, and a house to maintain and keep everyone happy, alive and trying to have fun through it all.

If anyone has some good tips and tricks about keeping Dads connected and making kids feel connected – I’m all ears!

Catching Up!

Wow - so it's June, already. Where has time gone, and where has it taken my brain off too!

So let's see, what's new? Well, the boys are doing fantastic! They are growing and are so, so much fun now. I really, really love this age regardless of how exhausting some days may be. They're doing fantastic with their milestones and have really, really done well with their speech therapy. It's fantastic to see how much they've grown and to hear their progress.

Otherwise, things are picking up in some other ways around the H house. We are expecting a baby boy who will complete our family in early November! We're so very excited to add another little boy to our hearts and our home. Nervous in many ways, but thrilled!

Things are also picking up with the Navy life. The Mr. is currently out on an underway and will be deploying days after our new addition makes his grand debut. It isn't exactly how things were planned, or how we pictured them but that's life, right? It's definitely a new learning curve on parenting for me, and a bit of a juggling act but we knew and were waiting for the big Deployment to come and it is starting to make an appearance.

With the Mr. underway I am learning new tips and tricks on how to juggle life at home with the boys (while pregnant) , Most of my posts will probably be about that, not so much just being Mom but things that I have found that are helping us and making my life easier to manage when solo.

So - if you're still following and still around, I'm venturing back! I'm really hoping to get better with blogging and updating this time and keeping a better habit at it.

Look forward to more posts soon! :)

Updates and Emotions

October 3rd, 2012
27 weeks 1 day

It's been quiet a while since I've written either on here, and even longer since I have written in the journal I've been keeping for the boys. Life has just gotten a little hectic, but I really need to get better about it. I want to have things for them to read when they get older.

I had my 1 hour glucose test back two weeks ago, it really wasn't bad at all. I opted for a Lemon-Lime flavor, since I hate Orange flavored anything. Pretty much tasted like a sugary Sprite. I felt a little dizzy towards the end, and had a horrible headache afterwards from the sugar. But I passed, thankfully. Me, give up chocolate and all things sweet? HA! You've got to be kidding me. No worries, there! The following Thursday, the 19th, I ended up back in L&D around midnight or so. I was having contractions that were 10 minutes apart, water and laying down weren't offering any sort of solution. We got in pretty quickly, and thankfully the wonderful nurses were able to get them to stop and thankfully I wasn't starting active labor. These babies need to cook a lot longer before they are able to arrive.

We had our appointment with our MFM yesterday, at 27 weeks on the dot. They did a cervix check and a growth scan. Baby A is weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces, and Baby B is weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces. We are back up to a 17% growth discrepancy, but they aren't worried about it at the moment - at least that's what they say. There aren't any signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) and it isn't likely that it would develop this late. We got a great picture of Baby B looking at us and you can tell a HUGE weight difference from their 23 week growth scan and yesterdays. He looks like my little gummy baby.

I'm really starting to look VERY pregnant. I really need to post some pictures on here, Erik is horrible about taking pictures - I have to beg practically for him to take one, and then another because the first one looks horrible. Then it ends in me being mad. Just not a good combination I suppose. I'm really feeling the babies move more and more, and I absolutely just love it. I could sit all day long and feel my belly and feel them move. It's one of the most amazing feelings in the world, at least I think so. It makes every heartburn, ache and pain so completely worth it.

We took the boys to their first concert last Thursday, the 27th, to see Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, and Scotty Mccuery. The USO was giving away free tickets to active duty military, which was awesome! I love free tickets and country music. The boys were kicking up a storm the entire time Brad Paisley was on stage. They're definitely going to be mommy's little country boys.

Otherwise things have been quiet here, truthfully I haven't been in the mood to have it any other way. I've been feeling quiet anxious and sad lately. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but either way. I just feel so alone lately. Erik is gone at nights now, and I'm realizing quickly that the friends I have here, aren't like the friends I had back home (it isn't like I have hardly a friend back home any how anymore.. things change when you move away). Back home friends came over, hung out and just chatted with you. Here - it's more of a coffee date once a week and text messaging. Which is better than nothing - and I do like the friends that I have made. It's just... not what I need or what I'm used to. I don't know - this funk isn't hardly fun at all. I honestly just feel sad, it's like this pity party feeling I can't shake. I don't want to be back in Virginia Beach, but I miss certain aspects of it. I miss the environment more than anything I suppose, people are just different here. I just feel.. alone.

I don't know if it's that I miss having family near by, or that everyone and their mother who finds out we are expecting twins ask the question about who we will have to help us or makes a comment about "Oh, you're going to need a LOT of help!". I seriously could scream if I hear that remark one more time. I'm really looking forward to Erik and I having the boys and handling parenthood. We're going to learn so much about each other, and we're going to have to rely on each other and I think that's going to make our relationship a lot closer than we ever imagined. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks with it being just us and the boys before we have company/visitors. I want to be able to recover on my own and not have to worry about having people around. But my heart hurts when I see pictures of family visiting newborns in the hospital, because we don't have that luxury. The nurses and other soon to be parents at our hospital tours were talking about family visiting and I just had to tune it out completely.. we won't have visitors. It'll be Erik and I. I don't even know what we are going to do with Jade at this point in time. I don't trust hardly anyone with her, and I don't want to have friends over who are going to discipline my dog. It's going to be hard for her too. I've got a bazillion thoughts running through my mind, a million things to get done, and I just feel alone.

Here's to hoping better days are around the corner..

Sad

September 3, 2012
22 Weeks 6 Days

I have another post I should be writing, one about our amazing weekend with our families who came down and visited with us and about the wonderful baby shower I was thrown. But I have a few other things on my mind right now that I need to get out in the open.

I think it's really hitting me that we're truly on our own, in every aspect. Our families are over ten hours away from us and we don't get to see them often, and when we do it never feels long enough. All of my friends who have had children have had their families within a thirty minute drive of them, so there was plenty of support and helping hands. We don't have that luxury, and it isn't because family doesn't want to, but because we are just far away. It isn't like a day trip, or even a three day weekend trip that's easy to make.

For the past year and half that we've lived here, I've never really missed being super close to family. I've enjoyed my privacy, and my independence. The move was a wonderful growing experience for myself and for Erik and I. We've learned how to completely just rely on one another and get through things without running home to mom and dad to complain about the other person. I actually would say that I loved living further away. But after family left last night, I'm just so sad.

I'm sad I guess because I know that I won't be seeing most of them until the boy's are here, which truthfully is a bit overwhelming. I'm also sad because I know this is such a huge life changing event and no one is really around to be here for it. I know it really is just life changing for Erik and I, but it would be nice to have family nearby. I'm sad that I won't have my mom close by to help, even though our relationship is very up and down, I'm still sad. I won't be able to just have my mom near when/if I want her. I'm sad our boys will grow up like I did, far away from their Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. I'm sad that they won't be near by to play with future cousins and be close with them.

I knew this would happen, because of our life style. I knew that the military would keep us away from family. But I guess I never really grasped that my children will grow up like I did. Not that there is anything wrong with how I grew up. But it's not fun being far away from family, it isn't exciting to go on 10-12 hour car rides to see Grandparents. It isn't fun to have your daddy deployed. When I said I would never marry a military man, it wasn't because I thought they were bad guys, it's because I know what it is like to grow up in that lifestyle. Now, I love Erik with all my heart, and I'm so very proud of what he is doing. There isn't any mistake in that. I wouldn't of wanted to marry any other man. Part of me is just sad and I hope that my sons grow up slightly different than I did. I hope that somehow, some way we can find a way to make it easier with family far away. Skype can only do so much, but I'm really hoping we can figure out ways to keep them close with their extended family.

Maybe I'm just a hormonal mess right now, and I'm sure my pregnancy mood swings aren't helping. I'm sure I will have myself pulled back together in a week or two from now. But.. right now, I can't help but just be sad and overwhelmed about the future and about going through all of these changes without family nearby.

Military Wife Rant

So I'm probably going to get some shit (excuse my french) for saying this, especially from those involved in the military community, but you know what I really don't care. Here it goes...
I'm rather tired of reading facebook status' saying; "Civilian girls have no clue what it's like to miss their husband, try walking a mile in a military wife's shoes" or "What is 3 weeks compared to 6 months" or "Don't complain about missing him until he's deployed for x amount of time" or the whole poor, poor military, "We moved and these passes won't transfer from park to park". But here is what I have to say about all of it.

First and foremost, when you love someone and they aren't there with you, whether it's a few days for a business trip or a few weeks for an underway, or a few months for a deployment. You miss them. It doesn't matter if they are at work for 12 hours a day, they aren't with you, and you miss them. It's just a fact of life. Everyone misses their loved one, and every one is entitled to miss their loved one. Civilian or military. Your husband signed up to deploy. End of freakin' story. My future husband signed up to deploy. Does that make us miss them any less, no it doesn't. Does it make us miss them so much it hurts? Yes. But here is the kicker. We knew this would happen, we expected it, we go through it because we love them. Now by no means am I saying that no one has the right to miss them, I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is, don't be mad when you hear your friend saying that they miss their own husband when he has to go on a business trip for a week. Don't. She loves her husband as much as you love yours. So you can't be mad at her for missing him. Does she miss him for as long as you are going to miss your husband, no. But that's just life. Life isn't equally fair, but that's what is beautiful about it. I'm so sick and tired of people telling people that they aren't justified to miss their loved ones. Everyone is justified to their own feelings, opinions, thoughts, and emotions. When you tell someone they can't miss someone or they don't have a right to feel the way they feel, you turn into a bully.

Secondly, I read an article about a military wife, emailing Six Flag's because she was upset her parking pass that she paid for wouldn't transfer to another Six Flag's park when they PCS (move to another duty station). Okay firstly, let me just state this. Most of the time, I'll say 9 times out of 10 you have a pretty good idea of when you are going to move, and you know where you're going to move at least 3-9 months before you do. So common sense pretty much prevails with this one, who the hell purchases a parking pass for a whole year at a park that they know they won't be coming back to over and over again for the whole year. On top of that. Companies have policies in place for a reason. It's not to belittle military families, nor to punish them. But it's to create a fair and equal environment. To stop discrimination from occurring. To prevent people from being charged different rates, to allow everyone to participate. So just because a company won't allow you to use a parking pass you purchased in let's say Chicago, in San Diego it's because there is a policy against it. They're might be a universal parking pass you can purchase to use at ALL parks, but if it's purchased in Chicago to use at Chicago, then of course you can't use it in San Diego. They're are policies in place that prevents this, more than likely to save you money. If they made everyone buy a parking pass to use at every park than I can assure you it would cost a ton of money, so why not just have a parking pass to use at one park. There are policies there to benefit you, the customer, and to prevent discrimination on the companies behalf as well as to protect the company. That's all, it's not because your a military family, it's not because they want to screw you over, it's for the benefit of everyone. Simple as that.

It gets so frustrating when I see and hear people pulling the "woe is me, poor poor us suffering because we are military family" when it really isn't the case at all. Everyone has it hard, everyone has their struggles. Some have more struggles than others, some struggle differently than others, and some complain about those struggles more than others do. It just chaps my ass sometimes when there are families who have to have the breadwinner working 4 hours away to make money for their family, and then there is a military wife saying "Well at least it's only 4 hours away, mine is 6,000 miles away!". In fact it pisses me off. Maybe it's because I can see it now, where I'm not dealing with a deployment, but have the knowledge of two under my belt. But it's wrong. It's so very wrong. That's being a bully, telling one wife she can't miss her husband just because he isn't being shot at, or isn't floating on a ship working 17 hour shifts. Like I said, our husbands (fiance's or boyfriends) choose this life, they enlisted, no one made them. Does it suck at times, hell yes. Are there rewards? You bet.

But in the end, it is wrong to tell another woman she is not entitled to miss her husband because they aren't in the same situation that military wives are in. Military wives claim that we are held to a higher level than others, that we are supposed to be role models, that we are supposed to support and help one another out. But in reality, that couldn't be further from the truth! In reality, most (not all) military wives sit on Facebook, telling other people how to act, what to do, and bullying others around. Instead of supporting one another, they are too busy playing the rank game, creating drama, and calling each other names. It's pathetic, and couldn't feel more like high school. I've never understood why women feel the need to belittle others, and create drama when there are more important things to be concerned about and frankly I never will. Nothing is all sunshine and daisies like the show Army Wives portrays. In fact, it couldn't be further from the truth. In reality, it's more like a 'Real Housewives' show on Bravo.

Women need to grow up, and mature. Realize what is important, and what is not. They also need to stop being bully's. Stop with the freaking facebook, stop with the 'woe is me', stop telling others they aren't entitled to feel the way they feel. Stop putting yourself on a pedestal and realize, your just like everyone else. Civilians don't care about rank, instead they base their friends on morals, on who is going to be there when they are having a bad day, who can step in when an emergency occurs. Maybe military wives can take a note from their book, realize there is more to life than the military, than pulling the rank card, pulling the branch card, pulling whatever card is going to 'one up' another person.

That's the end of my rant for the day. Happy Monday.

Poor poor pitful me

So I'm feeling a little homesick. I've been really looking forward to having a weekend of just it being Erik and I here at the house. It's a duty weekend, meaning Erik has to work today, Saturday, and I'm at home with the dog. This never bothers me, not ever. I don't mind alone time, time to watch drama tv, time to myself, time to think. But as I'm sitting here watching 'Say yes to the Dress' on TLC, and looking around on theknot.com I can't help but feel completely alone, and I can't help but want a pity party.

I know, I get it, this is the military life welcome to it in full swing. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit! I HATE when people tell me that, no freaking shit people. I'm not new to it by any means, I've dealt with Erik being away for a total of 18 months, suck it. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make me not miss my family, it doesn't make me not wish that there were some sort of family near by to do wedding stuff with. I haven't really made any friends here, not yet at least. No one that I can call crying, needing a girls night filled with ice cream and girly movies. I get it, poor poor pitful me. Whatever. If I want to be upset that I don't have many friends thanks to the military life, than damn it I will be. I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel.

Maybe I whine too much, or maybe I'm too hot and cold. I don't always give those of you who actually read this, a real view of my actual life, I really just use this as an outlet, to get thoughts, emotions, feelings out without hurting anyone in the process. Believe it or not, I really just want to and try to keep and make everyone happy. Rarely do I put my needs first. But when I do, I get reemed for it.

I just want to be able to go out at the drop of a dime and do wedding things, or girl things. Where I don't have to plan 3 weeks - 2 months out. I want to be able to enjoy this. Lately, I have been. I'm pretty excited about it all, but in the same breathe. Watching these girls on TV trying on dresses, or reading stuff on theknot.com just makes me jealous. I want that. I don't have many friends anymore because between deployments and moving, it's hard to keep friends. I'd love to have a bigger bridal party, but I don't have the friends for it.

I think I'm in need of some retail therapy. I haven't gone shopping for a bit and I think right about now is a good time to use the "I don't have any fiancee clothes" card. Or the "I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I think your family hates me" card. Both are pretty true.

Isn't this supposed to be a happy time?!

So the past few days have been, eventful to say the least. Monday we drove home to Florida, and made it back in at about two in the morning on Tuesday. We are night time drivers, which I like, no traffic in most cases and I love seeing the cities all lit up.

Well the events started Tuesday morning. And I'm really not wanting to get into the details to be honest. Maybe once I am not so upset about everything, once I am over it, things are fixed and I am calmed down. It mainly has to deal with the wedding date, that isn't set in stone yet. Erik's sister is getting married and we are really trying to be respectful of her date, because her wedding is important to us as is her happiness. But our wedding is important to us, and our wants and happiness is as well. It's a lot about compromise, but not forgoing and giving up everything that we want.

Most, everyday ordinary couples don't have to think about what is in store for them in the future. Thinking in a time frame of two years down the road doesn't occur and having a long engagement, longer than a year, is normal. Whelp, you guessed it in the military world, you constantly have to think about the future, and a long engagement (or even courtship) is out of the question. As of today, Erik has just under two and half years before deploying again. Erik and I are the type of couple who like to have a plan for our future. When it comes to moving from a family of two, to a family of three. We'd ideally like to wait a year. It's important to me for Erik to be here for the pregnancy, the birth, and the first year of our child's life. I'm sure it is important to every woman, and man. So if we were to get married when certain people want us to, he would only have a year left on shore duty. If we get married when we are wanting to, we'd have just under two years of shore duty left. Which is a little more doable, and is more time to enjoy being married before worrying about a deployment. We've already spent so much time apart as it is, we deserve to be married when we want to.

It also is upsetting for me that this situation is putting us in a tough spot. While trying to be respectful of others, and compromising for others, we don't want to lose our wants and needs in the process. It's also upsetting that Erik's happiness isn't more important for other's, his happiness is my biggest priority. He means the world to me, and I can't stand to have him unhappy.

Anyways, I'm getting a little too emotional and upset about that subject. I really need to get back to work. Wedding planning is going to be taking a huge toll on me, I think. It's going to be hard to plan everything alone for the most part. All my family is in Virginia, as well as my friends. I haven't made many here. So it's going to be hard to plan everything when I'm completely alone. It's also going to be hard to pick a bridal party, when so many friends have disappeared in the past year and a half. But I'll live, and move on. I just want this to be fun, and enjoyable, and a great time in our life. I don't care if someone takes that away from me, but I won't allow that to be taken from Erik. You can hold your breathe on that.

4th of July in Kentucky

As most of you know, we decided we would spend fourth of July weekend in Kentucky with Erik's family. His family was having a family get together/reunion and it was really important to his grandma that he was there. In case most of you don't know, July 4th is also Erik's and my anniversary and this year is the first year he was actually here for it. Words can never describe how happy I am and how grateful I am to have him home. We haven't been able to spend an anniversary/fourth of July weekend together since we actually started dating thanks to deployments.

Anyhow, we made it to Kentucky 9:30 Friday morning with puppy dog in tow of course! Sleep was not something that she was going to allow to happen after sleeping all night long in the car, and it actually took us over an hour and half to get her to go potty and Erik's mom (thank goodness!) was the one who actually got her to go. Turns out, puppy dog is a shy pottier (and there is nothing wrong with that!) and doesn't like going where other doggies have gone before. So she found her spot in the yard where their dog hadn't gone in a long time and went. Friday was a nice night, we just relaxed and had dinner with Erik's grandparents and his Aunt that he hadn't seen since he was three years old. I love nights like that here, where you can just sit and relax and enjoy each others company. Erik's grandma made this amazing tomato salad with the tomatoes I brought up from our garden (our tomato plant is insane!!). Saturday was a quiet day for the most part, I was able to catch up on some sleep and we really just hung out around here. Relaxed in the pool for a bit and Erik was able to help his dad get some wood together for a bonfire so we could make s'mores. We ended up going to Fort Knox to get some beer and tequila. For those who don't know, alcohol is truly much cheaper on base than off base, especially in Kentucky - it's super expensive here for some unknown reason - plus Erik's county is a moist county and they don't sell alcohol. So we made the trip to Fort Knox and then came back and went to church with his mom, dad, and sister. I really enjoy going to church, especially with Erik's family. My family wasn't big on going to church and I love that they are, so we went. And the best part, afterwards we got to have WHITE CASTLE for dinner!!! I flipping love, love, LOVE White Castle! And we ended up having a bonfire and roasting s'mores later on that night. Sunday was an early day, family started arriving here at about 10 or so. It was really nice meeting everyone, and seeing those that I had meet before again. We, Erik, myself, and his sisters and their significant others, decided that we were going to sneak our alocholic beverages, since they were not allowed. Erik and his sisters boyfriend went to go get beer and took foreverrrrrrr - it was pretty obvious that they were up to something, it always is with Erik, and his dad caught on, and actually did some encouraging on his end :) His sisters and I stuck with vodka and cranberry juice. Eventually after lunch we got in the pool. I think one of my favorite parts of the day was watching Erik throw around his younger cousins. He is so good with kids and really will make an amazing dad, one day in the future.

Later that night we did fireworks before the thunderstorm came in. That was - well... entertaining. Erik and his sister's boyfriend and his other sister's fiancee did a great job putting it together, there were a few duds that scared me half to death. But overall it was great. It was so nice seeing fireworks with Erik and his family. We've never gotten to see fireworks together, it was rained out at the oceanfront back in 2008 and he's been deployed since. So that was another great part of the day. Plus Erik loves doing stuff like that, he is such a pyro.

Overall it was a great weekend. I do have some news for everyone, but I will share that in another post. I do want to say Happy Fourth of July, and Happy Independence Day. I hope everyone can take a moment out of the day to realize that our freedom is not free and that we have the rights and freedoms that we do have thanks to the ultimate sacrifice of many, many military members. Our flag only waves because of them. Please take a moment out of your day to say a prayer for those who have been lost paying the ultimate price, their families who will forever have an empty chair in their home and an empty place in their heart, say a prayer for those who are currently deployed defending our freedom and their families who anxiously await their safe return, and a prayer for our country, in hope that things will turn around and improve, and that those who lead our country can lead us in the right direction.

Happy Independence Day everyone, let freedom ring. :)

Hot Mess

Well today went up in smoke early, and I'm honestly a hot mess. I spent the better part of my morning crying and then the rest of the morning coaxing a puppy out from under the bed which was an epic failure. Advancements came out this morning, and well Erik didn't make it. Actually only missed it by 3 points. I feel horrible for him, he works so hard and deserved it so badly. I'm pretty selfish because I wasn't crying for him, but rather myself. Knowing tonight would be a crappy night because I'm sure he is going to come home in a horrible attitude. But the real reason behind the tears is that I now realize it's going to be at least a year until things get more serious between us. Erik is smart, really smart, and he is a man. He wants to make rank before taking the next step, engagement. It makes perfect sense, truly it does and I really do understand it. So yeah, I got really excited seeing that the quota percentages were up and that he had a really good chance, a great chance. And maybe my mind got a little away from me, but for a few days, there was hope. Hope that maybe things would go well for us for once, and that a certain chain of events would happen. Well this morning my glimmer of hope was crushed, and it hurt. I can't even explain how much it kills me now to read things girls write in these stupid 'support' groups saying, "I'm engaged" or "Married my sailor" after they'd only been together a few months. Yes, I am being bluntly honest and maybe a little brutal. It kills me, it's like a jab in my heart every time.
It's not that our relationship is going to change once and if we were to get married, or that I would love him any differently. It's more or less that I feel stuck in place. We've been together for three years in a month and some change. We've done two deployments, we've done a PCS move. Heck even purchased a house. I just feel like the fact that we are living as if we are married, well then we should be. I've gotten so exhausted of correcting people when they refer to Erik as my husband that I just don't even bother anymore. It's not that I'm pretending, or that I like how it sounds, it's because I am so mentally tired of pointing out I don't have a ring and we aren't married. It hurts every time. I know Erik loves me, I don't question that for a minute. Never have. Sometimes I wonder if there is just something wrong with me, or why he doesn't want to marry me. No one understands, at least none of my friends or anyone I know understand. Who can when the majority of people in this life have only dated their significant other either a year or less before taking the next step. I have been the most devoted person I can be, and have moved away from my family, and I'm still a girlfriend. It isn't about titles as most women care about, nor the benefits - who gives a darn - they are benefits not reasons, it isn't about finances or any other reason you can think of. It's more or less the security, that no matter what happens or no matter what I do that someone is going to love me. That someone, being Erik, will always be here for me, that I'll never need to worry about being alone. That's what it means to me.

So yeah, I didn't have a great morning, it really hurts having that glimmer of hope killed, bright and early. The weekend was pretty nice. I got a new vacuum finally, and I love it. I was able to steam clean the office and the hallway and I was able to get the guest bedroom finished up. I do have some cleaning and organizing to do and I want to steam clean the living room either Thursday or Friday before Erik's parents get into town. Our house is really starting to feel more like a home now that pictures are being hung up. Everything is coming together really nicely. I'm definitely a happy camper and feel proud of the decorating that's been done so far.

I need to get back to work, but I really needed to get the first half of the post off my chest before Erik gets home this afternoon. I'm making some sloppy joe's for dinner, he's been begging for them for a while now. And I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day working, cleaning and organizing. I hope the rest of the week gets better, for myself and I hope everyone else has a great week coming up.

Lucky

Two posts in one day?! Wow! Lol.

I'm feeling very lucky right now. I am so grateful to have the life I have, and have the friends and family that I have been blessed with. Moving to J-ville (yes my nickname for Jacksonville, good huh?!)  was the best decision I have ever made. When Erik asked me two years ago if I would move with him to his next duty station, my reply was, "I'll follow you anywhere." Without a doubt, and without thinking for a split second. And I meant it. Did I question it during the move? Yes. Did I wonder if I was doing the right thing, if I would be okay without friends and family near me? Yes. Am I glad I went anyway? You bet your ass.

I think so many military significant others get caught up (including myself) in the whole, "poor poor me" train of thinking. A lot of women, complain about being so far away from home, not having friends, not having family near by, not knowing where they are at, not having a life. You name it. We complain about it. Duty nights, watch billets, deployments, underways. You get the picture. I'm not saying I'm any better than anyone else, lord only knows how much I complain. I complained about probably everything I just named, excluding watches and duty days. We get caught up in the negative that we forget the positive. I mean I got the chance to pack up everything and move 700 miles away and start over, fresh. With the one person who loves me more than anything, the one person I want standing by my side for the rest of my life. I got to start over. Move away from all the hometown drama, all the horrible memories that I have there. Not many people get the opportunity and chance that I have.

Honestly, how many couples can say that they get that one moment to fall in love all over again? Not many.

How many civilians can say that they've had this moment?



 Nothing can compare to the pride and the joy and the absolute love that I have for this man. I am so beyond lucky that I have been blessed with someone who loves me. I am so lucky that I get the opportunity to live somewhere new, and meet new people from all over the country. I get to explore new area's and heck if I get pulled over, I can just throw out the "Sorry Officer, I'm not from here and I just don't know where I am going" . I think it becomes so easy to dwell on the negative, the drawbacks from this life. Not everything is grand and sugar coated. But that's life, no matter what. And no, being military affiliated doesn't mean that I am so much better than the next person. We are ALL everyday normal people. Just because of the job our loved one does does not mean we are better than the next person. Our men chose to enlist. No one made them, it's their job to get deployed. We chose to support them. That's all. Do we deserve a reward for it - no. We only chose to support them because we love them, heck if Erik worked at WalMart I'd still support him because that's what someone does for someone they love.

But back to the point of this post. I am truly lucky. I have an amazing man, who loves me with all of his heart. Someone who chose me, little me, to fall madly in love with and to take with him when he moved. He didn't have to by any means. I could still be sitting in Virginia Beach, but no I am sitting in sunny, beautiful Jacksonville Florida excited over the home he just bought us. I have an amazing job that I can take with me no matter where we get transferred to.

It's so easy to think about all the 'bad' things in your life. Stop. Think about all the amazing things you have to be thankful for, think about everything you have. I couldn't imagine 3 years ago, or heck even as a little girl that I would be as lucky as I am today. I have the one thing that no one can take away from me, the one person who loves me for everything I am and everything I'm not. I am so thankful to have Erik in my life. I am so thankful to be in Jacksonville. I am so thankful to have friends and family and people who care about my happiness.

Maybe this is more or less a mushy gushy post. But whatever. So be it. The point I am trying to get at is to be thankful for everything you have, for everything you don't and for all the experiences you will and have had. Instead of thinking about how horrible the military life is, think about everything it's given you.

Beautiful Day!

It is an absolutely gorgeous day out! Oh my, I think today is going to be amazing. I woke up all early, took a shower early and even put make up on. And am baking Is it Better than Sex? Cake. Super yummy. I even got the first official box packed. I'm trying to do this moving/packing thing smartly. So clothes that aren't worn often or much are getting packed first, and the kitchen will be the last thing packed. It makes sense to pack up the things that aren't being used often first, and the common items last. I'm really, really striving to be positive about this and look at the perks and not the downfalls. And I've convinced myself that I am just providing my family a great vacation home. -When dealing with deployments you learn mind games, so why not make them useful afterwards?

But anyhow, I really think today is going to be a good day. I am hoping to go shooting with Erik this afternoon, and I need to go to the store and find a cute outfit for my going away party tomorrow night.

Oh! I almost forgot, my book that I ordered came in. I ordered, "Confessions of a military Wife" by Mollie Gross and it is absolutely hilarious! So funny and truthful. I absolutely love it, and it's definitely a book to recommend to all my military girls. It actually turns out the writer, Mollie, is from Virginia which really makes it easy to relate to. I'm about half way through it already and it came in yesterday. Hahaha! What can I say I read fast. But my favorite expert from it, is actually about Virginia girls, "I am from Virginia. We are not slow enough to be southern or rude enough to be Yankee. We are like the porridge that Goldilocks chose, 'cuz we're just right!' Virginians are just country snobs. We wait till you leave the room to talk trash about you because it would be rude to do so in front of your face. This is not two-faced behavior; it is being polite" I really couldn't of ordered the book at a better time.

Anyhow, time to get back to work and enjoying this beautiful day. And finish up the baking I started. Have a great Friday!

What makes you so much better than me?

Yes, I know I have been a horrible blogger lately. And for that I apologize if anyone is keeping up with my craziness.

I am rather pissed off right now. Why? Well because people always assume that they are better than the next person, that their poop doesn't stink, that they live their life out in roses. Specifically right now, I am more or so directing this towards the military wives who think that because they have a marriage license that they are better than other girlfriends/fiance's. Well truth be told - they aren't. Its people like this who go around with this "I am better than you attitude" and the "wives are forever, girlfriends aren't" way of life that will truly be lonely.

Since when, does a marriage license, a wedding band, and a last name change who you as a person are. It shouldn't. You are no better than the next Jane Doe. Marriage isn't about benefits, and more money, it isn't about status and rank. It's about love, and living your life with the person you can't live it without. It's about remaining who you are and having someone love you for your flaws and all - believe me everyone has them.

It really pisses me off, when someone tells me that my relationship doesn't count, or it doesn't matter because we aren't legally bound to one another. Your right, I could walk away at any freaking minute, but I don't. Not because I can't, but because I don't want to, because I love the person that I am with more than life itself. How many people can say that?! I feel bad for people, I feel bad that they won't ever know a love like I know it, they won't know what its like to wait for months at a time for a single kiss, they won't know what it's like to say goodbye and know not because we are married, but because we love one another that we will wait for each other. I truly feel bad for them. I feel bad that they have to put me down, to have confidence in their marriage. Pretty sad and pathetic.

I am seriously over this military wife lifestyle, I won't be like that, I freaking refuse, I'd rather have someone shoot me than act like that. In a lifestyle where deployments are common, and moving is often - you would figure women would be more friendly, especially knowing she might be the new girl in 3 or so years. But that really isn't the case. Or maybe it is just the dumb girls here, or the dumb girls who like to parade their husbands rank on support groups. I am over it - I as a girlfriend have dealt with more than many married women have. I won't justify it with a ring, or a last name.

Screw that! I am so over people it is ridiculous. I won't tolerate people like that in my life anymore. No way, no how. Life is about living, about loving, about treating others how you want to be treated.

On a happy note - I started doing Hot Yoga again and am feeling a lot better. It really is helping with the cabin fever. My gyn appointment is fastly approaching and I am really going into it with a positive attitude, and am hoping that its something that is simple. I am making an appointment to get my migraines under better control. I also found out some great information about my health insurance. So things are getting better. Oh and we start packing soon! Turning in our orders to this horrible apartment complex tomorrow!

I will try really hard to get better about blogging and try to post happier things - but I will always come here to air it out. Also, I will try really hard to catch up on this photo challenge.

Thanks for letting me rant!

Thoughts..

First off I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! Mine was pretty good, I got to spend it with my lovebug and I don't have to worry about him leaving soon, because well he isn't. Christmas mass was beautiful, and I am glad Erik got to spend Christmas with his family.
I am missing my family a little bit more than I expected this year, last year it didn't bother me as much, but this year I sure did. Erik hasn't really been to patient over it, but we always work through things and he is a little bit better about it all.
On a positive note, I did get to have my first white Christmas this year, which was beautiful. I love snow, I love the way it looks and the excitement it brings with it. It wasn't much, about 3 inches of snow. But it was perfect, we went sledding, for my first time, something Erik always promised me.

So, on a down side, lately I seem to be second guessing quite a few things. And I know my goal for this year was to really really learn to ignore those thoughts and to stop doing it. But its hard... Erik is my first really great relationship, the first person I can say without a doubt loves me whole with all his heart. I just sometimes get a little worried about moving so far away with no real sense of security. It's hard to explain - I know Erik loves me, and wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt me, but I still worry about the "what if's" and if I am making the right move. It's a big move for me. It's exciting but still really scary in the same sense. I am looking forward to going somewhere new, somewhere different. I am so grateful, and so very lucky that I have a job that I am able to take with me.
I guess it is taking that first leap of faith that is the hardest, or more intimidating than anything else. I guess every military wife has to go through this, but I'm not a military wife. I guess that's what is the most upsetting, is that people don't understand I'm not doing this because this is our military life, rather for love, plain and simple. I've spent 17 months away from my best friend and the love of my life in the past 2.5 years, I refuse to spend any time apart unless its necessary or for the right reasons. Sometimes it's just hard to swallow, that with that leap of faith, so many things change.
Another thing I guess I am afraid of with this move, is that I will somehow lose my independence. I don't like having to rely on people for anything. I've always been the type of person who rather do it myself. I stress out big time over it. I guess it is just one of my flaws. I don't like having to rely on others to do things for me, or to take care of me. For me its more of a choice - I don't like being made to rely on someone, where if I needed to I know I could rely on Erik. Weird, I know. I'm just stubborn - I like having my choices.

Well - I need to get back to work, and I think all this typing is waking Erik up. Enjoy the last few days of 2010.

- Anne

Bad News...

So I finally went to the doctor the other day (the wait to see my PCM, is like a month long, but I admit I have put off doing it for a little bit longer than I should of) regarding some female issues I'm having with my girly time of the month. And I ended up leaving with more than what I bargained for, I had thought I would just get a new birth control script and be the end all be all - well, I got a referral to Portsmouth Naval's GYN. Turns out my PCM is concerned, one because I haven't always had such a reliable, great girly time of the month to begin with, and two now that my thyroid is within the 'normal' range, I should be "A Okay" with my periods. She seems to think that there is a more serious underlying condition, and I'm sorry - but my first concern being a women comes straight down to - that I'm terrified it is going to affect my having children. My PCM mentioned endometrosis (sp?) which does run on my moms side of the family, and she also mentioned that there could be a fibroid (sp?) growing. So I have been pretty on the rocks lately. Frankly, I am terrified.
Secondly, as bad as it sounds, I am pissed. Never would I wish this on anyone, however, it makes me mad even more so now, seeing 'young' moms, who one didn't want children, and who two don't take very good care of their children have them. Top it off - my old best friend, from elementary school on up, is pregnant with a boy. This is the one girl who gets everything she wants, no matter who she has to hurt to get it, and will not hesitate to walk all over you. So needless to say - I am pretty upset.
On top of that - lately, I seem to be second guessing Erik's intentions with our relationship. I know in the civilian world to be dating for 2.5 years is normal, but in the military world - its virtually unheard of. However, despite that - its more or less that I am moving 600 miles away from my family and friends to be with him and I don't even have more than his word that he intends on marrying me. So that's also something that has been bothering me lately. I'm not sure why it has been, and why I have been letting it get to me but it does. It just doesn't seem fair that I have sacrificed so much for him - for our love - and it still doesn't seem to be enough.
Just some thoughts - we are on the end part of a 10 hour car drive to Kentucky. I was thankfully, able to spend the bulk of it working. Thanks to Android's app - Wireless Tether! I worked 6 hours out of a 10 hour drive.
As far as the picture project goes - I want to start on that after the holidays are over with. So I will be sharing pictures :) And allowing people to learn more about me. But I do want to take this time to wish everyone a Happy Holiday Season as well as a Merry Christmas! Remember there are many service members deployed protecting our freedoms this season, whether it be on land, sea, or air and their families will be alone without them. So take the time to say a prayer for them this season. I hope everyone has a magical Christmas, and a great new years!
I am going to try and get better about posting - because clearly I have things I need to get off of my chest.

-Anne!

Super Busy..

November 8, 2010

Wow, have I been busy lately. I had a great weekend with some wonderful people and got to get out and just enjoy being 21, which was nice, since Erik and I never really go out much - because I'm a homebody (haha!). Friday night mainly consisted of beer pong at his friends house, which ended up being super close by, thankfully. Saturday night we went to the Norfolk Admirals hockey game. They lost which sucked, but it was a ton of fun hanging out with friends, drinking cold beer, and watching hockey guys fight, oh and play hockey. Sunday night- the busyness caught up with us. We weren't feeling too good, mainly drained, so we just hung out, relaxed, and I did laundry. We got the Sunday paper for some good ol' coupon cutting (yes, I cut coupons!).
As for today, it's been pretty stinking eventful already. I'm trying to get my waiver in to the military base nearby so I can get my old PCM back. Apparently once your sponsor retires Tricare doesn't care about you.. grr! Super frustrating. I loved her and I know I will be moving soon- but I always, always, get sick in the winter time. Of course, no one ever calls you back in the military world. I also had physics class early this morning, I've gotten the settlement taking care of and cleared up with State Farm from my accident on Nov. 2, 2009. I had to change my doggies vet appointment on base since works going to be busy lately.

Outside of that, I've pretty much cleaned and cleaned, I'm waiting on maintenance to come to fix the hot water heater. Hopefully being nice gets you more than being demanding. Oh - and so far the 3rd Droid X hasn't had a single dead pixel, or frozen on me- yet! (knock on wood, right?)

I hope everyone had an amazing weekend and I hope we all have a kick butt week!

What do I want to do?

October 27, 2010

So lately I've been feeling lost when it comes to schooling, which for me is frustrating. I've always thought I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do career wise. When I was younger, from like 6 or so, to about 16 I wanted to be a vet. Eventually that switched into physical therapy. Even when I was out of school for a little bit, that's what I geared myself towards, during deployment number 1 I basically committed myself to it, started taking classes for that degree and so forth. I've always thought about doing it, and in the military world its so hard finding a career that has a demand for it everywhere, because for us we have to be ready to pick it all up and move. I've always been the type of girl who wanted to contribute to the household, seriously- it's not like the military pays much anyhow...
Lately, I'm so confused about what I want to do, which sucks. I'm still in school, putting myself head over heels in student loan debt to do so, and taking classes specifically for a physical therapy assisting degree. And now.. I just don't know if its what I truly want. I feel stuck. Its like once I have this degree (still another year or so away) whats going to happen if I get into the career field and hate it? What happens then?
I try to talk to Erik about it, and I know he really is trying to help- but I don't think he truly understands that I can't just pick any career I'm interested in and do it. I want a career where I am helping people, when I knew whole heartily that I wanted to be a physical therapist assistant, I wanted to work with war vets. I want a career that I can still have that opportunity with. So we talked about it, and his answer to it was, what is it that you want to do more than anything, and to do it.
Maybe, I'm scared, scared that I won't have that fulfilling career, that it won't be enough to support myself on (because I'm so hard headed and stubborn and hate leaning on anyone for anything- deployments do that to you). But its frustrating- I don't handle blood and guts well - I could not do the nursing thing. I thought about doing pharmacy- but I stink at chemistry. Erik mentioned dental assisting- which I might be able to handle, but I'd rather not spend the whole day in peoples mouths (that's a little gross, sorry). What I'd kill to do more than anything- is do the horseback riding thing. I've ridden since 9, competed, and by no means am I an amazing rider, but I'd love to train horses off the race track, maybe give a few lessons- but that simply isn't possible in the military world, and I've been out of the saddle now for about a year. I'd rather just have that as a past time I guess, because I know I can't make the money I'd want to.
So like I am saying- I'm stuck. I'd love to be in the health care field (its the most secure, economically, and has a demand anywhere) but I can't deal with blood and guts and stink at chemistry. What else is there for me to do?
I wish I knew how to get out of this funk, and how to figure out exactly what it is I want to do. I guess I could always just get a general degree and go back later for something more specific. But what if I never have the opportunity to do that, we all know life happens. I think I multitask pretty well- but what if I never get to go back for something more specific. I love my job now, but I don't want to be stuck with it for the next 30 years.
I guess I have some soul searching to do.. and some big time career research to do.

Boo- Watch.

October 26, 2010

The dreaded words every military (or navy) girlfriend dreads to hear, "Honey, I've got watch friday". Well they finally caught up to Erik since he's been back and he is back on the watch bill. It took about the same amount of time as it did following last years deployment. So now I have to give up the only luxury that the Navy has given us since he has been back, no watches. Oh well. I've gone months without seeing him, whats it matter for a few hours. I guess I can use this time as my girl time? Or just to relax? Enjoy some quiet? Problem is is that I'm home all day long working. Yes, its different I won't have to work, or I can work - the beauty of my job. Either way, I think maybe I will grow to enjoy watch time. Time to myself or time to clean. I've been wanting to start scrapbooking again but just waiting on lovebug to print off pictures from deployment. Or maybe I will just use it for gym time or yoga. I've really been needing to find time to get into the gym. Either way-- the Navy thinks its time to take every waking minute Erik has. I guess its just part of the navy girlfriend lifestyle. So what am I going to do friday night? Hmmm....