Monday, May 23, 2011

Hot Mess

Well today went up in smoke early, and I'm honestly a hot mess. I spent the better part of my morning crying and then the rest of the morning coaxing a puppy out from under the bed which was an epic failure. Advancements came out this morning, and well Erik didn't make it. Actually only missed it by 3 points. I feel horrible for him, he works so hard and deserved it so badly. I'm pretty selfish because I wasn't crying for him, but rather myself. Knowing tonight would be a crappy night because I'm sure he is going to come home in a horrible attitude. But the real reason behind the tears is that I now realize it's going to be at least a year until things get more serious between us. Erik is smart, really smart, and he is a man. He wants to make rank before taking the next step, engagement. It makes perfect sense, truly it does and I really do understand it. So yeah, I got really excited seeing that the quota percentages were up and that he had a really good chance, a great chance. And maybe my mind got a little away from me, but for a few days, there was hope. Hope that maybe things would go well for us for once, and that a certain chain of events would happen. Well this morning my glimmer of hope was crushed, and it hurt. I can't even explain how much it kills me now to read things girls write in these stupid 'support' groups saying, "I'm engaged" or "Married my sailor" after they'd only been together a few months. Yes, I am being bluntly honest and maybe a little brutal. It kills me, it's like a jab in my heart every time.
It's not that our relationship is going to change once and if we were to get married, or that I would love him any differently. It's more or less that I feel stuck in place. We've been together for three years in a month and some change. We've done two deployments, we've done a PCS move. Heck even purchased a house. I just feel like the fact that we are living as if we are married, well then we should be. I've gotten so exhausted of correcting people when they refer to Erik as my husband that I just don't even bother anymore. It's not that I'm pretending, or that I like how it sounds, it's because I am so mentally tired of pointing out I don't have a ring and we aren't married. It hurts every time. I know Erik loves me, I don't question that for a minute. Never have. Sometimes I wonder if there is just something wrong with me, or why he doesn't want to marry me. No one understands, at least none of my friends or anyone I know understand. Who can when the majority of people in this life have only dated their significant other either a year or less before taking the next step. I have been the most devoted person I can be, and have moved away from my family, and I'm still a girlfriend. It isn't about titles as most women care about, nor the benefits - who gives a darn - they are benefits not reasons, it isn't about finances or any other reason you can think of. It's more or less the security, that no matter what happens or no matter what I do that someone is going to love me. That someone, being Erik, will always be here for me, that I'll never need to worry about being alone. That's what it means to me.

So yeah, I didn't have a great morning, it really hurts having that glimmer of hope killed, bright and early. The weekend was pretty nice. I got a new vacuum finally, and I love it. I was able to steam clean the office and the hallway and I was able to get the guest bedroom finished up. I do have some cleaning and organizing to do and I want to steam clean the living room either Thursday or Friday before Erik's parents get into town. Our house is really starting to feel more like a home now that pictures are being hung up. Everything is coming together really nicely. I'm definitely a happy camper and feel proud of the decorating that's been done so far.

I need to get back to work, but I really needed to get the first half of the post off my chest before Erik gets home this afternoon. I'm making some sloppy joe's for dinner, he's been begging for them for a while now. And I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day working, cleaning and organizing. I hope the rest of the week gets better, for myself and I hope everyone else has a great week coming up.

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