Thursday, May 19, 2011

Come find me..

Ever have something bug you, like deep down bugging you. It doesn't really go away, just sits there and gradually gets bigger and bigger. I try my best to forgive and forget, I truly do, unless it's something big, I won't forget but I'll do my best to forgive. It isn't like me to hold a grudge and there are only a few people that I have any type of grudge and resentment towards.

Rewind back to when I was getting ready to move, I had a good friend tell me that moving will really help make your relationship stronger, make you rely on each other more and really realize how strong you are. But on the flip side, you'll find yourself picking little fights and holding a resentment/grudge towards the other person. I believed the first half, not so much the second half of it.

Well... I should of. Because, I am. I don't mean to, and I certainly don't sit there thinking about what I can be upset about next or what I can get mad about this time. I don't plan out an 'attack'. It just... well it just happens. It can be anything, messing with food I'm cooking, being on the computer, not picking up those darn socks, not paying attention to the puppy. Anything. Most the time the little fights last just a few minutes, and whats sad is I even acknowledge that we are fighting over stupid things. I think part of me just resents everything that goes wrong here, and I in turn blame it on him, because I know I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him. It's not that I don't like it here, I do. I love our home more than anything, and I am really liking the area much more than I thought I would originally. I'm not sure why I am acting this way, I really don't want to. I want to be happy, I want to be all lovey dovey, I want to be just fearless and confident, and just.. just how I used to be. I don't like this.

Not to mention, I've pretty much had to give up on the idea of getting a horse. It's just not going to be affordable. Right now it is, but come November it won't be. I finally got a price from Tricare about their Young Enrollment program. It's basically a program for dependents, or prior dependents, who are either still attending college after the age of 23 or are not offered health care coverage with their jobs. So, since it was Tricare I thought it'd be cheap, nothing more than a hundred dollars a month. Boy was I wrong. They want me to pay $187 a month, with three months up front. Insane! So that's gotten me upset pretty bad. Plus I will have to start paying my Jeep payment soon. When I use the GI Bill, my father has it set up that all my BAH will go towards his account, (in actuality - it's my money) so they pay my Jeep payment with it, and the remainder I guess they have set up to go aside and use the remaining amount to pay the rest of my payments when I'm not in school - once that runs out I start paying it again - I originally was until I started using the GI Bill. Long story short - it just isn't going to be financially smart to get a horse. Which, yeah, I'm really upset about it to be quite honest. I'm upset about a lot of things - and how much stress I have regarding my finances and health. It's a lot to take on, especially when it's something you've never had to worry about. My father has been in the military my entire life - so I know literally nothing about health insurance. I don't know anything outside of a MTF (military treatment facility). So long story short - I'm upset, I'm hurt, and I'm mad, and I feel like I've failed.

I know I can't say this wouldn't of happened in Virginia Beach - but board would be a heck of a lot cheaper there than here. And supplies are a lot cheaper there than here. I wish I weren't as emotional as I have been this past week. It's like in the middle of my day I find myself wanting to break down and cry - over nothing. I find myself wanting Erik home and then once he is home wanting him to go back to work. I realize I'm being irrational over everything. I just don't know how to stop it.. how do you tell your emotions to chill out? Is it even possible to tell them to just relax?

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I feel lost, like I am constantly in this daily repeat of activities. They don't change. I know it's part of being an adult, but its lonely, and tiresome, and just boring. I feel lost. Completely lost. I wonder if this is how it feels to lose your memory? I mean I remember everything, songs, tasks, names, ect. But to be rolling through the motions of the day and feel completely lost in doing them.

I really just need to take time for myself out of the day, time to focus on myself. Time to regain my sanity because clearly I've lost it. I also need to take time with Erik. We haven't really had just an 'us' weekend since we moved in, although I wonder if time together is really what we need. I'm so tired of the stupid little fights, so tired of just feeling alone.

Okay so my repetitiveness is showing.. back to work for me then. I won't drag this out any further than what I have. Clearly I'm lost in my thoughts and I apologize for the dragging on and the lack of structure in this post..

Have a great thursday, and a great weekend.

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