What do I want to do?

October 27, 2010

So lately I've been feeling lost when it comes to schooling, which for me is frustrating. I've always thought I had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do career wise. When I was younger, from like 6 or so, to about 16 I wanted to be a vet. Eventually that switched into physical therapy. Even when I was out of school for a little bit, that's what I geared myself towards, during deployment number 1 I basically committed myself to it, started taking classes for that degree and so forth. I've always thought about doing it, and in the military world its so hard finding a career that has a demand for it everywhere, because for us we have to be ready to pick it all up and move. I've always been the type of girl who wanted to contribute to the household, seriously- it's not like the military pays much anyhow...
Lately, I'm so confused about what I want to do, which sucks. I'm still in school, putting myself head over heels in student loan debt to do so, and taking classes specifically for a physical therapy assisting degree. And now.. I just don't know if its what I truly want. I feel stuck. Its like once I have this degree (still another year or so away) whats going to happen if I get into the career field and hate it? What happens then?
I try to talk to Erik about it, and I know he really is trying to help- but I don't think he truly understands that I can't just pick any career I'm interested in and do it. I want a career where I am helping people, when I knew whole heartily that I wanted to be a physical therapist assistant, I wanted to work with war vets. I want a career that I can still have that opportunity with. So we talked about it, and his answer to it was, what is it that you want to do more than anything, and to do it.
Maybe, I'm scared, scared that I won't have that fulfilling career, that it won't be enough to support myself on (because I'm so hard headed and stubborn and hate leaning on anyone for anything- deployments do that to you). But its frustrating- I don't handle blood and guts well - I could not do the nursing thing. I thought about doing pharmacy- but I stink at chemistry. Erik mentioned dental assisting- which I might be able to handle, but I'd rather not spend the whole day in peoples mouths (that's a little gross, sorry). What I'd kill to do more than anything- is do the horseback riding thing. I've ridden since 9, competed, and by no means am I an amazing rider, but I'd love to train horses off the race track, maybe give a few lessons- but that simply isn't possible in the military world, and I've been out of the saddle now for about a year. I'd rather just have that as a past time I guess, because I know I can't make the money I'd want to.
So like I am saying- I'm stuck. I'd love to be in the health care field (its the most secure, economically, and has a demand anywhere) but I can't deal with blood and guts and stink at chemistry. What else is there for me to do?
I wish I knew how to get out of this funk, and how to figure out exactly what it is I want to do. I guess I could always just get a general degree and go back later for something more specific. But what if I never have the opportunity to do that, we all know life happens. I think I multitask pretty well- but what if I never get to go back for something more specific. I love my job now, but I don't want to be stuck with it for the next 30 years.
I guess I have some soul searching to do.. and some big time career research to do.