Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Brrr, its gotten cold!

October 5th, 2010

So, I’ve decided to give the ‘blogging’ world a try, more so to try and get my frustrations out in writing rather than taking it out on lovebug. Lately, days have been getting pretty chilly out, and I’m realizing that summer is pretty much long gone.  I love fall, I love having the air conditioner off and the windows wide open. I love the hay rides, pumpkin carving, hot cider, warm apple pies and everything the colder weather brings with it. I am so thankful that lovebug is here to enjoy the colder days with me, that he is here to cuddle with a warm blanket, and to enjoy all the festivities with me.
But I can’t help and be frustrated that summer has slipped through my hands, no more lazy warm days, no more hot sand and cold drinks. I feel like the summer has been completely robbed from me, however, it’s no fault of my own.  Instead of actually enjoying the past months, mainly January until the end of July, I was too busy being busy, too occupied with going, going, going instead of taking a breath and enjoying some of the simple things in life. In other words, I was in my own deployment mode. I was trying to make time go by as fast as possible, I was bound bet and determined to find a fast forward button and get through the 7 months of separation as fast and as sane as possible. Did it work? You bet ya. Would I go back and do it differently? Partially.  I wouldn’t change how fast I felt time was going by. I wouldn’t change the extra classes, the extra shifts, and the goals I set for myself. I wouldn’t change the gym time and some of the friends I made. So I guess that brings me to what I would change. I would have had more fun. Simple as that, I would’ve enjoyed the weather, the winter, spring, and summer. I would have beached it more, relaxed, did some things for myself. I was so intent on fast forwarding the days by, I was so intent on getting to homecoming. And homecoming came, July 28th, this year, and left just as fast as the days before and come and gone.
Don’t get me wrong, I missed the hell out of Erik. I wished he would’ve been here, everyday. I wished he were there when I fell asleep, I wished he was there for Valentine’s Day, for St. Patrick’s Day, for Easter, for our 2nd Anniversary. But he couldn’t be. He swore an Oath to protect our country, and although it wasn’t fair for duty to call him away so soon after being going the year before, duty called. I just wish I had not allowed my ‘fun’ life to slip away while he was gone, I just wish I would have allowed myself to have fun instead of being so hard headed, independent, and such a busy body. Fun doesn’t mean going out, like so many people presume it to be. Fun for me is horseback riding, beaching it, shopping, and getting a little dirty. I wish I would have picked up some outdoor hobbies, like gardening. But I can only say, that next year things will be different, next summer I will garden, I will ride more, I’ll beach it more; this time with my lovebug with me and we’ll be in Jacksonville, FL instead of Virginia Beach.
I guess this is where my frustrations come from, why I get so upset so easily lately. The stress never ends, it was there when he was gone, and it’s still here with him home. I don’t know why I ever thought that stress would just disappear the day the ship pulled back home, it doesn’t. Erik just makes it easier to deal with. Financial stress, school stress, work is a lot less stressful since I have an amazing new job; family stress is still there in full force. So instead of being plane ol stressed out, 24/7, I need to realize that time goes by, never faster than the day before, and never slower than tomorrow. Time is time, no matter what there is still 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, and 24 hours in a day.
So with the new chilly weather that has joined us, brining in a new season, I’m going to give myself a new goal. Simply to enjoy the time we have. Enjoy it with friends, family, and of course my lovebug. To stop allowing stress to get me down, stop freaking out when things don’t go right, and just embrace change. Easy enough said than done, but I am going to try.  I really need to be able to sit back, ignore the drama that surrounds me day in and day out, and just relax and enjoy having my better half home again.

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