Kiddo's & Deployments

Tips for Children & Military Deployments:

-Show videos (we watch a random youtube one of his boat) of where Daddy/Mommy is. It really helps them understand where they are and why. We talk all the time about how Daddy is fixing airplanes and jets and helicopters and how Daddy is keeping us safe.

-We have a map up in the kitchen with a point of where we are, and where Daddy is. The map is on a cork board so that we can move Daddy's pin around, while they don’t understand it, it helps for them to visualize that Daddy is far away.

-Talk, talk, talk. Let them know its okay to be sad. Let them know you’re sad too. Talk about adventures you’re going to do while Daddy(or Mommy) is gone, and what you’re going to do when Daddy comes home. They don’t understand 8 months, but what they do understand is that right now they are three, and when Daddy comes home they will be 3.5. Daddy is gone for a while

-A jar of kisses. By far, their favorite. We have a big jar full of kisses that they get one every night from Daddy.  It’s easy enough to refill for an extension, or if you live in Nevereverland, eat a ton before homecoming.  I really hated the idea of a paper chain, or a countdown, because it’s just frustrating, especially when you see so many chain links still to go. That isn’t fair to anybody. But a jar of kisses, is a sweet reminder of their Daddy and is less of a countdown tool.

-Have them color pictures and paint pictures for Daddy. Have them go to the store to help do care packages. It helps them feel included.

My biggest advice is to keep the same routine you had before deployment. Don’t drastically change things, or lighten up on things that were done before Dad left. Trust me, I know first hand it’s hard, especially with a newborn, but the older kids need that security.  They need a lot of talking about what’s going on, I’m finding that even if I think they’re okay, which most of the time they are, they still need to be reminded that Daddy IS coming home and that he does love and miss them terribly. They need a lot of reassurance and it’s much easier to give them that security than to deal with the tantrums.  

I hope this helps someone if they find themselves in a similar path, any questions or advice? Would you of done something different? Leave them in the comments. 

Deployment resources for Children:

Military One Source – They have a great guide of things to talk to your children about prior to the deployment and highly encourage talking to even the youngest about what will be happening.

Daddy’s Deployed – A wonderful, wonderful personalized books about the deployment – from beginning to end. It helps put the cycle of deployment into an understandable cycle for children.

Daddy Dolls – I can not rave enough about the quality of these ‘dolls’. They’re really stuffed, shaped pillows. But my boys adore being able to hug dad when they’re missing him.

Life Recently.

I recently made a trip to Chicago for work, it was pretty jammed packed full of meetings and work. I was ridiculously nervous about leaving the boys, but I put on my big girl panties and dove in. I wasn’t gone two full days and Erik was able to take leave to be home for the time I was away, so thankfully I didn’t have to worry about the boys being with anyone else since I hadn’t done that until after my trip. Erik was truly wonderful and was a rockstar Dad. I didn’t have hardly any time to really digest that I was gone, I was so busy from the moment I got off of my flight to the moment I got on my flight. The flight home was insane, we literally were almost canceled and Erik had to arrange to have emergency leave added to his current leave at 11 at night just in case I was canceled. Thank god I have the most amazing friend ever who still picked me up from the airport at 2am.

I think overall the trip was good for me. Really and truly, it gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to really motivate me to be the best me I can be. It reminded me that although I am H&L’s Mommy, but I am still Anne. I do admit it was pretty nice to get up, shower, and wear makeup and nice clothes that weren’t ruined by the end of the day.

I’ve felt a little more at ease in my role as mom since returning home, Erik and I finally went on our first date on our 2^nd wedding anniversary since the boys were born. I’ve learned to try and let go of the control that I feel like I have to have on everything. I’m really hoping to start to try and wean off of my Zoloft here soon and get back to normal on my own. I’ve tried before three times now, with no luck, so I’m just waiting for life to get a little less stressful before I give it another go round.

I’ve recently gotten really into crafting. I’ve made a few things for my sister-in-laws baby shower at the end of the month, as well as a few gifts for her little boy too. I’ll have to share a few pictures after her shower to show off my skills. For someone who didn’t know how to sew hardly a straight line three months ago, I’ve come a pretty long way! It’s definitely really relaxing and it gives me something to look forward to at the end of the night as well.

Hayden and Liam had their 15 month appointment mid last month, and are doing great. They were 22.6 and 23.2 lbs and were 30 inches. They are officially scouring the walls climbing everywhere, on everything. We are still struggling with our vocal milestones, but physically they are doing wonderful. They have a great grasp on receptive commands and words but still don’t really say too much. Liam within the past few days has started to mimic much more than Hayden. I try really hard to not worry, and not to compare. But lets face it, its hard, when you have two babies who are genetically the same and one of them is at a high risk for having learning disabilities and other disabilities. I tend to worry about Hayden reaching milestones much more than Liam, as bad as that sounds to admit. They both can say ‘Dada’, ‘Mama’, ‘Dod’ for dog and ‘Hi’ somewhat. Liam can definitely say ‘Hi’, ‘boo’ for book, ‘blahc’ for block. They also can both sign eat and more too! Growing up fast I’ll tell ya!

I’m really hoping to get back into a workout and eating right schedule soon, I’ve been struggling the past few weeks and especially this past week. I’m drained and need to make rest more of a priority and I really need to find new healthy, toddler friendly recipes too. I feel like I am repeating my food way too much lately, which makes me not want to cook at all. If anyone has any healthy, toddler friendly recipes they’d like to share, I’d really appreciate it!

I hope to update more and get back to regular posting soon. But for now – bedtime! G’Night!

Rambling thoughts

So, here I am a year later. I'm not sure I am in less of a fog - I'm pretty sure last year, I was running on adrenaline and pure joy while now, it's just joy, at least most days, and a whole heaping lot of caffeine. The boys have officially been home in the H house for a year, Liam's homecoming anniversary was on the 12th and Hayden's was on the 17th. It's so real now, that my babies are one!
Things round here have been -surprise, surprise - busy!

We had a great Thanksgiving holiday, my parents came back down to spend it with us and it was really nice having family here! I resentfully went out late, late Thanksgiving night with my mom just to see what the hype was about – there hadn’t been anything in the flyers that I had seen and thought was actually a good deal. We went out around 11 just to watch and see and were back home by midnight I’d say. There wasn’t much out there for us. I had already ordered my sister-in-law’s wedding gift from Kohl’s earlier in the week. I think the hype was way too overrated this year to be honest. Amazon dropped the price of the playhouse I wanted to get the boys to match Toys R Us’ Black Friday price so I scored that without having to even leave the couch. Nothing really grasped my attention this year. Maybe it’s a change in priorities, maybe it’s aging, maybe it’s just because nothing I was eying was on sale. It was really nice though, to go Black Friday shopping with my mom. Growing up, when I was about 14 we started going out early in the morning. Getting up around 3 and heading out to be at the stores by 3:30 or 4. It was always fun, and those days or mornings rather will always be treasured memories. It was really nice having them here, and having their help with the boys while we went out Friday and got a much needed new mattress. Which - I may add is absolutely amazing, especially with the fact that the Mr. hasn't woken up in back pain or to back pain since we've purchased it. Which is the sole reason why we decided to get a new mattress now rather than later. I just couldn't deal with seeing him in pain morning after morning.

The boy’s enjoyed their second Thanksgiving, way more than their first Thanksgiving. It’s was a big change, but definitely a welcomed change having children to celebrate the holidays with. Even though a nap after dinner would have been so welcomed, I’ll take playing with my two cutie-patooties over a nap most any day. They are moving much faster now a days and are full on walking babies – rarely do I see them crawl. And for the first time in what feels like forever – easily since the rolling days, they are starting to lay down and play with toys. Like pushing cars or just playing with a block. It’s by far one of the cutest things of the whole day, these two rarely stay still so when they do it’s a great moment. They still aren't talking really, just babbles. I won't lie, I am starting to get concerned - this officially will be viewed as a 'delayed' milestone January 3rd, which would of been their full term due date. I do know that twins tend to lag sometimes with their vocal milestones, especially boys, but it doesn't make me worry any less. We read, we -pause for the gasps- watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I talk about what I'm doing when I'm working around them or cooking. We listen to music. I'm trying everything to get these two boys talking but nothing. They have started pointing though, so maybe talking is next? Who knows. I know one day, I will bang my head against the wall and laugh at myself when I was wishing for them to talk, but until then, I will continue to wish.

Being a twin parent is a rather funny thing, sometimes. Last night, I made one of my many trips to Target. It's a sanity check for me, and a break, and an errand to-do all in one. I was going through the clearance section, because I have a love affair with clearance. I can't stand to pay full price for something, and when you have two babies - you definitely realize where your pennies are going - fast! But I was going through the clearance section and this Dad was having a hard time and I look up and what do you know - twin boys. So I open up conversation - by asking how old they are, they were 2. And we chatted for a bit once I told him I have twin boys too - that are, 13 months old. It's so nice to talk to someone who GETS it, and I mean really, really, totally gets it. Because he lives my life too. Being a twin parent is like a super secret club, when you run into other twin parents its this immediate bond - because they feel your pain and know your joy too. It's always funny though, because it's this common power. These two boys were cuties and were definitely all over the cart. I only know this time is coming, and now I realize that I'm really going to enjoy these stroller days, because once they are in the cart - it may be easier for shopping reasons, but it's not going to be as easy as it is to take them shopping. There are always positives and always drawbacks I suppose.

With the New Years right around the corner, I find myself really looking forward to 2014. It's going to be a great year, and there will be changes I'm sure. We have a lot of traveling to do this coming year, and the Mr. will be heading away to training for a month, he also will be going back to sea duty in the spring. We don't really expect him to deploy, but I do know he wants to simply because it's really good for his career, it's what he signed up to do. But I know with him being on sea duty, anything is possible. With the Navy, I always try to expect the unexpected. My goal is to really make 2014 a great year. I'm planning on making some changes for myself, I want to go back to school and really decide on a career path. I want to be healthier. I want my family to be healthier. I want to do more for my community. I want to be a fantastic mom and I want to enjoy my family. I'm looking forward to the adventures the new year will bring in with it. I'm really going to go into the new year with a positive outlook. Attitude and outlook truly is everything and truly makes the difference.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, it's the boys' 2nd Christmas! I think this one will be much more fun than last years! Last year I didn't cook, I was simply way too exhausted, we thankfully had a good church friend offer to bring us dinner so we did eat. I'm really excited to see the boys' expressions to some of their new big boy toys. And I'm excited for new clothes to put them in. They got some new accessories for their stroller, so that will be fun to try out! We are having dinner with our very best friends at their house tomorrow! It's a joint dinner, so I'll be cooking half and so will my best friend. I'm praying I remember to take pictures tomorrow, and at least get a picture of myself and the boys. I'll drink an extra glass of wine if we get some sort of family picture, but I'm not holding my breath. Fingers crossed I can find a great photographer in our area to take our family pictures soon! Here's to hope!

I hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas, I can't wait to post pictures of the boys celebrating! I'm off to get ready for Christmas Eve Mass, fingers crossed we make it there on time, if not early. And fingers crossed for no screaming toddlers! I'm hoping not, because Christmas Eve mass is my favorite service, I love the music and the magic it brings with it.

I hope everyone has a great day filled with family, love, peace, joy and I hope everyone remembers that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ! Merry Christmas Y'all!

All about H&L at 1 Year!

While looking back over my posts, I've realized that I haven't spoken much on how FANTASTIC the boys are doing now a days! We had our 1 Year Well baby appointment on the 14th and to my shock the boys weighed in at 20lbs 5oz and are 29 1/2" long! We don't focus on percentiles here, but they were doing great on their charts and following right along on the curve that they should be on! They received all of their shots, except chickenpox - which we are delaying on until they're 15 month appointment. I don't like them receiving more than 4 at a time, and they needed the flu shot. And because they don't attend daycare it isn't a big deal. Plus - we're borderline isolation right now with it being RSV season.

Milestone wise I have destroyer babies! To say they are boys, would be putting it mildly. These two are 120% all b-o-y. Without a doubt. They took their first steps on their 11 month birthday and were walking all around within two weeks. Liam can now stand himself up independently, so if he is in the middle of the floor he can stand without pulling up on anything, whereas Hayden can't quite do that yet. But I'm sure within two weeks or so, that'll change - maybe. One thing these two are fantastic at though is destroying! Anything and quite frankly everything, they literally leave behind a trail of destruction as they go around the house.

While the boys are very headstrong and are passing all of the physical milestones, verbally/communication wise, that isn't so much the case. Hayden has been clapping for a good 2 months now, and Liam just - and I mean just picked it up. Liam can wave somewhat, sometimes in context, whereas Hayden isn't there yet. To think that in the past I had thought thought that they would be doing the same thing as each other, I laugh now. These two keep me on my toes, that's for sure. Speech wise - ehhh, that we are working on. We can babble, but nothing is really said in context except when they do say 'mama mom' which is usually when they are really, really mad. They babble the sounds 'dada', 'ba', and 'de' and 'G' noises. Sometimes it sounds like Liam is saying doggie, but I'm not sure to be truthful. Hayden isn't making any G noises. According to our childhood intervention specialist - I'm not to worry until 1 year adjusted - which is January 3rd. But I do, especially since Hayden isn't passing his hearing test on his left side and will need a sedated ABR test performed in the near future, but that is another post for another day.

But most importantly, they are going great, and growing fantastically. I'm so proud of them and so much in love with these two little guys. They can drive me crazy and melt my heart, within minutes of each other. But, they make life worth living and I can't imagine my life any other way. Here are some more recent pictures of my crazily handsome little guys!

H&L's first Halloween - Baby Robots! (Hayden has black baby legs and Liam has brown)

 

Liam - Blue, Hayden - Orange enjoying some Mom Guilted Chick-Fil-A after their shots!

 

Hayden at his birthday party!

 Liam, at his birthday party!



Blowing out their candles!

To see them eat their cake, here is the link

November - Prematurity Awareness Month

November is a month that has always been close to home here, I adore Thanksgiving and fall weather. The deep auburn colors, the changing leaves that cover the grass (except here in Florida), the good for the soul food, the warm stews it’s no secret that fall is a favorite season. My birthday also falls in November, and well who doesn’t love a good reason to have cake and presents!! Last year added to the excitement November brings with it by adding Hayden and Liam’s birthday to the month. But it also made me very aware of what else November is – Prematurity Awareness month.

Every year thousands and thousands of babies are born way too soon, many pass away due to complications and premature birth. Many endure lifelong complications due to premature birth, some are lucky enough to have a short NICU stay and go on to lead normal lives. Some spend days upon days in the NICU and are discharged with quite a follow up schedule of specialists. Some are discharged and are quickly readmitted.

It never fails that I often hear other pregnant women complaining once they believe they are ‘term’ about being uncomfortable and home remedies not inducing labor. It takes a lot of me to reply with a simple, “I know your uncomfortable but you’re not really term until 39 weeks, your baby needs this time, try to enjoy it and take the last few days in before life is crazy.” So often our society gets so caught up in the excitement of birth, and the desire to meet their new baby, that they forget that it is so very, very important to let their child come, assuming there are no risks, when he or she is ready – but not before 39 weeks. Brain development is not complete until then. Every second that that baby can continue to grow in utero is imperative. Babies do not learn the suck, swallow, and breathe - steps of eating until 34 weeks gestation. The difference between a 24 week gestation, 32 week gestation and a full term babies lungs is quite literally breathtaking. A premature infants lungs will not catch up to a full term babies lungs until they reach the age of 3. So that means that there are 3 years of terrifying flu seasons to get through to where something like RSV isn’t considered life-threatening to them.

My babies were born 8 weeks early, looking back, I had a gut feeling the entire time – I never really knew what a NICU was or looked like. I never knew about the complications of early birth until the boys were born. I would of given my right arm, or anything really to allow them to continue to grow in utero until 39 weeks. However, it wasn’t healthy for them. I would of lost both babies had this been the case. They have over came so, so much in their short life. Resolving brain bleeds, dealing with hydrocephalis, battling NEC, learning how to breathe room air, learning how to eat, gaining weight. All things normal full term babies rarely have to deal with. My babies have grown from 3lbs 4oz 16 ¼” long and 3 lbs 5 oz 15” long to healthy 20lbs 5oz and 29 ½” long – all within 365 days. Now that is utterly amazing. It’s a miracle that we have been so, so lucky to not have lifelong complications (at least, that we are aware of yet) and we’re so lucky that we have both babies at home with us. Many parents are forced to carry their babies in their hearts because they were born too early.

I hope that in the coming years, I can find a way to be more proactive with prematurity awareness month. I hope that I can find a niche and do something, anything to educate other mothers who are expecting, not to try at home remedies to induce labor, to not try to have their babies at 37 weeks. Babies are our future, and while pregnancy can be uncomfortable, it isn’t the time to be selfish, it isn’t the time to rush things. Those babies, our future, needs every minute we can spare to allow them to grow and develop in utero before being born into this world.

364 Days

It has been 364 days since the boys have come into this world, I can’t help but to think back on just how far we have come and grown together in the past almost year. I can’t help but think about where we were just a year ago, and what the next 48-72-96 hours brought us. To be completely honest, it’s a mixture of emotions. Thankfulness, anxiety, sadness, happiness, pride, humbleness, I could go on and on and on.

I’m so thankful, truly thankful for my MFM with whom I had the appointment with on November 7^th.  I honestly know without a doubt in my mind, that had I not been monitored by the team of MFMs that I had last year, that I would be in an entirely different place than I am right now. It’s truly not something I want to dwell on, or really think about. But I am so grateful for them. I’m thankful for the NICU staff that the boys were cared for by, and that at times we were cared for by. I’ve never meet people who were more wonderful than I did during our time in the NICU. It truly takes an amazing person to by a NICU nurse or a neonatologist or a specialist who cares for these tiny babies, and I truly know from the depths of my heart that these people are truly one of the greatest blessings God has given us. I know that our primary NICU nurse was sent to us just by Him. During a time where we had no family nearby to rely on, He sent us her to care for our babies, and care for us. She went above and beyond anything anyone did for us. Reminding us to eat and care for ourselves, to talk with one another, being a shoulder to simply cry on. And calling me out on the bitch of PPD, and when I tried to say “things happen for a reason I suppose” she was the only person who called the BS card. “Things don’t happen for a reason, they just happen and it SUCKS and it isn’t fair but you don’t have a choice, you just get through it. It doesn’t mean its pretty, or that its easy, but you treck on. And it SUCKS” I adored her for saying that, for being honest with us and protecting us all at the same time. She is hands down the reason why H didn’t have brain surgery, without a doubt. Every mL of cerebral fluid she pulled from a lumbar tap prevented what I know my heart couldn’t of handled. Our other Primary nurse was the reason L’s NEC didn’t get far enough to require surgery, and in the early days she just sat with H when I was pumping or getting medicine or with L, and watched his Oxygen levels. Her bluntness, and reassurance and motherness warmed our hearts. If she hadn’t been so adamant on watching his belly measurements with every diaper change, and paying attention to his stool – who knows how long it would of gone before the NEC was discovered.

I still have quite a bit of anxiety thinking about the day the boys were born, the events that occurred, the total 180 that life spun at us. Becoming a parent and making the decision to become a parent never prepares you for this, once that decision has been made your practically handing over your life to the point where you don’t have much control over it and it can do a 180 at any given moment. It can be with a labor and delivery, or it can be when your five year old little boy decides to climb a tree and breaks his arm. Everything is dropped to bring him to the ER and make him feel better. Everything dropped for me that morning during the appointment. A lot of anxiety, I believe, has to do with the fact that everything went from being okay, to hearing “Sometimes babies are safer and grow better on the outside, you did a great job, now we just need to get them out and help them grow.”  Completely panic ridden. I couldn’t even control the tears, I couldn’t bear to look at Erik. I felt like I had failed them, and like I had failed Erik. After changing into my hospital gown, things got a bit – well crazy. I went from hearing, lay on your side, to the MFM being called because the nurses couldn’t find a heartbeat for either baby, to being told that I would receive the steroid shot and another 24 hours later to being told I am going to OR in 5 minutes. It was a lot of confusion, and I honestly believe I just went into shock, my brain shut down. Looking back, I can’t say that I blame it for doing so.

The sadness stems from recovering and not hearing how the boys were doing, just laying there and then being wheeled into the post partum rooms past women who have their babies and here I was with empty arms, listening to the sweet cries at night while I pumped every 3 hours - THAT was torture.  Nothing could of prepared me for the feeling of my heart shattering as we drove away from the hospital with empty arms, no cars eats and no happy family. I literally felt like I was dying, my heart was shattered into millions of tiny pieces. The drive to the NICU was far too long – always, and the phone calls in the middle of the night were never quite helpful enough. BUT happiness and pride overshadows the sadness and anxiety that I feel – at least most days (given PPD doesn’t rear her ugly face).

The day that Hayden came home and joined us brother was the best day. I was so excited to have both boys home and to not have to split my time between the two. Those 5 days were HARD. I wanted to be in the NICU with Hayden but I also wanted to be home with Liam too. Needless to say we had to take turns, but I couldn’t help but be sad that both my babies weren’t home. It was a bit of a blessing though, to have one home and not the other. It gave us a bit of time to find bottles that actually worked and get used to being a parent full time. Bringing Hayden home to join us was amazing, I felt so complete. Seeing them grow from 3lbs to 5lbs and then 10lbs and now 17(ish) is amazing. Watching them reach milestones that I thought they would be more delayed on is truly on of God’s greatest gifts. Seeing them enjoy the food I make warms my heart. Watching them play together and explore their surroundings is by far the best reassurance in the world. It melts my heart watching them giggle while playing together. Being discharged and cleared from Neurosurgery was another great accomplishment. These two little boys have proven to me just how strong, how very, very strong the human spirit is. That no matter how small we are, it doesn’t determine how big the fight we have within us is. They have taught me so much this past year. I’m so proud of their accomplishments – proud of how far they have came. From needing help breathing and eating to walking, babbling and eating everything in sight, all within a year - a whole 365 days. Now, that is nothing short of amazing. I’m so proud of them, and proud of what an amazing father Mr. H is, and how amazing of a husband he is – even when I’m not at my best. This year, has certainly been one for the books that’s for sure.

I’ve been so humbled this past year, with the outpouring support we’ve been given. Mrs. Kathy, our post partum doula has been there for us for so, so much. To simply come and help me care for the boys, bringing over dishes (as well as the amazing parish members who brought us food in the early days too!), to helping fold laundry and helping me understand and grow into my new role of being a mom. To all of our family that has traveled to see us, to the gifts that have been sent for the boys. To all of the prayers, for health for the boys and us, and even the kind gestures from those whom I have never even meet. It’s absolutely humbling and gives me hope that the boys will grow up in a society where they can be humble and kind and giving people without getting walked all over.

When I was told that the first year was the hardest, I believed it – and it was the hardest. There were so many changes, so much newness, so much fear and so many hormones. While I certainly had quite a few bad days, and while things didn’t always go as planned – there was so much happiness. Sure – things take quite a bit more planning and effort now but it is so worth it. When I found out we were expecting twins in May of 2012 I was terrified and full of doubt. But now – I know that God gave me these two precious miracles because he knew I would figure it out and run with it. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure, but it has been so rewarding. I wish that someone would of told me that this first year is the hardest – but that it is also the most humbling, amazing year as well.

I’m hoping that tomorrow, while I might shed a few tears – especially when we visit our primary nurse at the NICU – that I will also remember to celebrate. Celebrate how much our family has grown, celebrate how much both Mr. H and I have grown as parents, and to most importantly celebrate how far the boys have come and how much happiness they have brought us.

“There are moments that mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this” – Unknown.

Post Partum Depression is a bitch.

Yesterday, it hit me like a train. My babies are going to be one in a week. ONE! Where did time go? We went and ordered their birthday cake yesterday at Publix and picked up some Halloween cupcakes. We opted to not take them trick or treating this year, simply because we don't really know anyone in our neighborhood too well and I feel like we'd be going to the door saying "Trick or Treat - the candy is clearly for us" So we are going to sit in the yard and play with the boys and pass out candy. And then they will get a cupcake, Lesson1 in Cake 101.
So as I am watching them play in the kitchen yesterday, waiting for dinner to finish cooking - or baking rather. I sit down and can't really help but cry. And to make the tears fall even harder, H came over and hugged me and patted me and walked away. Yes, I did say walk.

I'm at a loss of words, I have no idea where there first year of life has simmered away to. It's literally like I have blinked and they're almost one. I can't even say '1' without tearing up. I'm so, so very happy that they've over come so much this year, and fought and persevered and grown and are healthy and happy. I feel like I have been in "survival mode" for this past year. Last year by this time I had made about 4 trips to Labor and Delivery. I would make another two before the end of the week only to be admitted and to have an emergency C-Section. I can't help but think about how things went downhill so, so very fast.

I feel like having to face the bitch of postpartum depression, and raise two babies at once has put me into this survival type mode. Where every day it's a focus on what I need to do, what needs to be accomplished, and what the boys needs are. I was doing really, really well with working out in the mornings but the boys have gotten really active so now its again a struggle. I'm debating on starting to go running. But it's more or less finding time to go. It'll come with time, I'm hoping to get back into working out after they go to bed 3 nights a week. I felt a lot better when I was working out, and I'm hoping to start weaning off of the Zoloft after the holidays when things aren't so stressful. There is no specific reason for the wean, just that I want to move on and move past this chapter. So in order to do this, I really need to start getting back into working out. Because I know it will help with it. I really hate what PPD has taken away from me. I hate that she said, 'Ha! That first year of snuggles and milestones and joy that mom's get - nope you wont!' or 'HA! You think you're a good mom think again!' PPD is a bitch. A big bitch and I hate what she has taken from me. I hate that. I hate it more than I can say, and I hate that I won't ever get this year back. All I can do, is continue the daily struggle against her. Where I look her in the face and say 'F Off!'. The bad days aren't as frequent as they once were, but they do come now with a bit more severity. It takes all the strength I have to take a shower, cry, pick myself up, get dressed and look in the mirror and tell myself this is how your day is going to go, you just have to make it to bed time. If you make it to bed time and get them down, you freaking rock. It seems to help, and if it gets too unbearable there is always a trip to Target to help with it. I never imagined, something like PPD would affect me, nor could I of ever imagined the stress it can cause on both myself and my family. I never realized how much of a horrible nightmare it could be until I reached out for help. I also never realized just how much it could overshadow my babies first year of life. Now granted, it wasn't all dark and scary and sad, but good days, great days were often overshadowed with too much fear, too much sadness, and too much of an overwhelming desire to run away. But not any longer, I may of fallen down and I may of allowed PPD to overshadow a great first year of H&L's life, but it won't happen during their second year. I will overcome this and I will tell her to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. This - is my goal for H&L's second year. To enjoy it, to breathe it all in, to let the little things go. To play in the rain, to laugh at messes, to cry from laughing so hard, to snuggle on rainy days, to go on adventures, to enjoy their life. Regardless of what it brings along with it. I will not let postpartum depression take it away from me, or from them.

Twin Rules 1-4

Lets talk about some twin rules, shall we? They aren't real rules but some unwritten laws in the H household.

Twin rule #1: One up, both up!
This one should be self explanatory. It seems mean, and at times you really, REALLY don't want to follow it but if one baby is up, the other one needs to be up. If H is still sleeping when L wakes up, or the other way around, which does happen frequently, I tend to give them ten minutes to wake up on their own or I wake them up. Nicely of course, I'm not super mean mommy. The reason for this is to keep them on the same schedule, you do want to sleep and you do need 'mommy' time at some point. You don't want them getting on opposite schedules or else you will lose your mind. Promise.

Twin rule #2: If one eats, they both eat.
This goes along with rule number one. If one is taking a bottle, the other needs to be taking a bottle. If not your constantly feeding someone, and the other one is off fending for him/herself. The best way I found to do this is by placing a boppy on either side of you, either on the couch - or on the floor once they start kicking off the pillows/using it for leverage, they will kick themselves into a back flip and land on the floor - trust me on this. So get comfy, put a boppy on your right side and one of the left, and grab the babes and set them in their spots and BAM! you pop the bottle in their mouths and enjoy the quietness.

Twin rule #3: Lots, and lots of floor/activity play!
The thing that has helped me beyond belief is the fact that we allowed the boys to be on the floor/on their mats playing 90% of awake time. Meaning - no hold me babies. Yes, it does have its drawbacks, but its better to get little cuddle time than having to hold two babies all.the.freaking.time. The boys come to me when they want cuddle time or when they want a book read to them and then go right back to playing when they're done. I prefer it this way, it gives me the ability to go potty, clean, make lunch, etc etc. And they are so independent and have the best personalities this mom could ask for.

Twin rule #4: If someone can't understand your schedule - then tell them to kick rocks.
Seriously. Unless this person has had twins, triplets or quads - tell them to kick rocks. And no - having two babies 13 months apart does not count. If your twins eat at 6:30am, 10:30am, 2:30pm, and 6:30pm and nap at 9:00-10:30 and 3:00-5:00 and your friend wants to go to Starbucks at 3:00 with you and the babies and will not accommodate you - tell her to kick rocks. She is not your friend. A friend would understand that you have time constraints and that its rather limited. So it is perfectly okay to stick to your guns. I'd rather skip out on Starbucks than have two overly tired babies who will only sleep on mommy after fighting sleep for an hour and then you have to painful hold your bladder until you are absolutely, positively sure they are asleep enough for you to put them in their cribs.

So that's Twin Rules #1-4. I'll have to post some more when I have my time. Hopefully this might possibly help someone, or if anything give someone else a chuckle. And to whomever wants to leave a nasty remark about scheduling babies, do yourself a favor and don't. You, my friend, can in fact kick rocks. :)

Mommies don't get sick days

And it has finally happened. After being so healthy and germ free for 9+ months, I have a lovely sinus infection. One word, YUCK. And to pair it with a root canal is just proof, that mommies in fact do not get sick days.

Thankfully the boys have been so happy, as they normally are, the past week and a half. I'm hoping I can get into the doctors on Monday for a quick appointment so I don't lose too much time at work, and that once I am on antibiotics it will clear right up. The weird part about all of this is, it is only on one side of my sinuses, which just happens to be the same side where I had my root canal. Can I just say, this blows? I'm really hoping to be over this mess soon, I don't have time for it - I don't think any mom does. I really think I need to have a heart to heart with God and tell him, "I was pregnant, had babies, take care of them - I really think any mom should be exempted from being sick!" Kidding, of course.

I think this whole 'getting sick' fiasco has in some way told me to slow down, and chill out some. More importantly, to not be so hard on myself. Anyone who knows me, and I mean really knows me, knows that I am extremely hard on myself and my expectations of myself. My house is pretty, pretty clean most of the time - because I constantly clean it. I work as much and as hard as I can, I try to do the very very best of everything - especially for the boys. And I rarely ever take time for me. Including, my 'me' trips to Target which is normally picking up anything we need for the house/groceries/Erik/boys. So I am trying very hard to change that! Its been a challenge, but it's getting better and I'm not feeling so stressed out any longer. I do what I can, when I can and that's all anyone can do or ask from someone.

Fingers crossed I'm back to my old self soon and to making changes!

Twin Recommendations

I have been asked lately, what products I would recommend for a MOM (mom of multiples). I know I personally scoured the internet trying to meticulously pick out every single product that we purchased just so I would avoid the return, exchange, resale of items. I've also been asked what I've done that has worked for us and made life easy. So - here is my list/review/suggestions for other MOM's and especially FTM MOM (first time moms of multiples).

• My very, very first suggestion is of course to make sure that your OB and your MFM are two people you trust completely and respect 120%. If you have any hesitation, please please be your advocate and find someone who you can trust with your prenatal care.

Products/Suggestions:
(newborn/coming home - 3 months)

• Two boppies (Found here) Even if you don't breastfeed they are a multitude of uses for these. Mr. H loves it as a neck rest - but joking aside. I feed the boys in these. My post partum doula (later post on that) showed me how to feed the boys in these. I sit in between them and place a boppy on either side of me and put each baby in it and pop the bottle in. This trick literally cut my feeding time in half.
• Skip the bath tub and go for two bath sponges (Found here). I had the whale tub by fisher price (here) and while it was pretty awesome. I enjoy the sponges more, as do the boys. I can bath them both side by side in the big tub and they can be with one another. It also has come in handy now that they are older and are pulling up and sitting because it gives a little cushioning for the falls and plops down.
• I personally found the Tommee Tippee Sensitive bottles to be amazing (found here) we originally had the regular ones but the boys were still really gassy even with burping every 10 minutes so we switched and it made a big difference.
• I previously posted this recommendation, but I really love my high chairs. I have the Fisher Price Deluxe Booster Chairs (here). It has made a HUGE difference in feeding them and is super BLW friendly since there is no fabric to wash.
• If you plan on BLW I highly suggest the book Baby-Led Weaning (found here). After reading it I felt much more comfortable in my choices. Another great book suggestion is Bringing Up Bebe (here) I haven't finished it yet, but she makes a lot of wonderful points and I'm finding out that I'm naturally a French mother. LOL!
• Swaddle sacks were a huge hit in this house - I suggest having 6, so you only have to laundry every 3 days if for some reason they each go through 1 a night due to a leaky diaper or spit up. Those can be found here.  We used them until the boys could roll onto their tummies.
• I absolutely recommend the two biggest hits the Nosefrida and the famous Sophie. The Nosefrida looks gross, but I promise you it gets snot out so much better than any bulb aspirator (which is still fantastic for mouth suctioning). Sophie is also worth every penny. She is made from natural rubber and food based paint is used so it isn't bad if your baby chews and chews and chews and the paint starts to come off. She was also designed to be used for every type of chewing/teething stage.
• I recommend this article for toys during the first year. It's fantastic and simple and we have every single one and they are all hits. It's basically 15 toys for the first year.
• We used this mobile/noise machine and the projector has been a huge hit for naps in this house. ( found here) We only got one of these and I cant imagine needing more than one. They shared their crib until they were rolling onto each other and then we took them off completely. Now the projector is attached to the changing table and the projector video takes up half of the ceiling, so it's plenty of light/entertainment for two babies to view, their room is about 10'x11' (ish) and it takes up about half of the ceiling, which are 9 foot ceilings and can be seen perfectly from the floor up - yes I do know from own personal experience.
• This was the swing that we used, I didn't think we would need two - but we did, thankfully we were loaned one (by of course our amazing post partum doula) and didn't have to buy a second one. I loved the plug in function on this (found here) and it was very well made and thought out. We didn't use it for too long because I didn't realize you could use it from coming home on but the timeframe we did use it, it was amazing and a life saver.
• We also used the Rock N Plays for a good long while, they were super helpful in the early days (found here). The boys slept best in their cribs, but they were super handy to have around.
• These are the activity mats that we have and have really enjoyed it and have had a great run with them. The boys are 9 months old and are still really enjoying them and they aren't even showing any wear or tear. I highly suggest having at least three mats, they tend to get tired of one and then I pull out the other and alternate the toys on them and so forth. We have this one, this one, and this one.
• Johnny Jump Ups have been a HUGE help in this house. Because of them we shower daily now. We hang on in the bathroom enterance door directly in front of the shower and one in the closer door directly next to the shower and it works out perfect.
• These boys LOVE to jump. We have two different Jumperoo's - The Baby Einstein Jumperoo Activity Center (recently recalled due to the Sun toy rebound - ours was not affected but I can't supply the link because of this) and we have the Fisher Price one (found here). You definitely need two. I suggest two different Fisher Price Jumperoo's - they put the Baby Einstein to shame. Hands down. I also suggest two different ones of any activity thing you buy - like activity gyms, jumperoo's etc that way when they are tired of one you still have another one to switch it up.
• There are some toys that are worth buying two or three of them. This doesn't solve every screamfest but - it helps.
• In the early teething stage when they couldn't really grasp large toys - these and now they love these, their Sophie's and these. Motrin is also a good go to.
• This is the best diaper rash cream EVER.
• Skip the bumbo and opt for this
• These were our carseat choices and I highly recommend both. Infant seat and convertible seat
• And if you need to baby proof a sliding glass door - a pool noodle works PERFECTLY!
• Edited to Add: My Stroller! I can not believe I have forgotten to recommend my stroller! Oh my goodness gracious. We decided not to go the double snap and go route after purchasing it and not liking how the Britax B Safe carseats fit in it. So - after a lot of reviews we purchased the Combi Twin Sport Side by Side. We got an awesome deal on it - I used it for our first appointment that I had to attend alone and HATED it. So after a TON of more research, reviews, and testing them out at Buy Buy Baby I purchased the Baby Jogger City Mini Double GT (found here) and LOVE IT! This stroller has been amazing! We are able to go shopping with it, its been useful for every doctors appointment. We haven't had an issue with it not fitting through doors and the boys like it. We've been able to use it from the time we got it in, they were home for about 3 weeks so they were 2 months old on. This stroller is amazing and worth every single penny.

I highly suggest having freezer meals ready for nights that you don't have time to cook, and I highly, highly suggest a post partum doula. Kathy was a lifesaver for my family. We don't have family around to help, and she really helped us in so many, many ways. She gave me the confidence in being H&L's mom, and helped me feel comfortable in my new skin and new roles. She brought food and helped with the boys.
I highly suggest a routine, we have a night time routine that we perform every night and it has really, really helped. Find what works best for you and don't back down from it. What works best for you won't work best for someone else sometimes, but as long as it helps you that's all that matters. Our nighttime routine is this - feed, play, naked time (we undress and undiaper and let them play on a towel on the floor) and then bath time, massage, and pj's. Then we do story time, prayers, and bed time. Sometimes its play time, feed, play time etc and sometimes its play, feed, naked time. But for the most part its the same thing every night. It's helped them, and it really helped my PPD and knowing that we have one part of the day, that we all know whats going on.

This is what I have compiled together so far, I'm sure I am forgetting a lot but this is what I have done so far and what has worked for us. If you have any questions on anything specific - feel free to ask! I'm an open book :)

So you had a plan..

I apologize for not posting lately, things in the H house have been... well crazy. And here is why...

If you had asked me at the beginning of November how I wanted the boys' birth to go, I would of given you a list of things I perferred that would happen. I wanted Erik to cut their umbillical cords, I would of told you I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, I would of told you I wanted immediate skin to skin with both babies. I would of told you a lot - it's human nature to plan, right?

Well, it's also God's plan to show us that our plan isn't always His plan. The last week of October/first week of November I went into L&D at 31 weeks on two different occasions with contractions very regular. They never really went away, even with the shot of trabutaline that I was given on 3 different occasions during that week. My doctor chalked it up to being dehydrated, which really annoyed me because I was drinking 2 gallons of water a day. I was not dehydrated, and was planning on switching OBs because he had lost my confidence. On Tuesday, November 7th I had an appointment with my MFM and planned on voicing my concerns. I was getting a fluid and cord doppler check, via ultrasound. I hadn't felt the boys hardly at all on the 6th and was itching for some reassurance that they were okay. As soon as the ultrasound started I knew immediately that they were not okay.

The boys had developed TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) during the 2 weeks inbetween ultrasounds with my MFM. Pretty rare to happen so late in the game. Baby A was the recipenant and had a TON of fluid while Baby B, the donor, had very, very little fluid. My MFM immediately requested a quick BPP (biophyiscal profile) and sent me down to labor and delivery immediately after it was done. At 32 weeks 1 day, he made he decision to deliver immediately. My appointment was at 8:00 am, and the boys were born at 10:43am by an emergency c-section. Hayden Erik made his appearance first and Liam Robert followed at 10:44. Nothing, absolutely nothing went as planned, I didn't even deliver at the hospital I had chosen nor by my OB since he did not have patient rights at that hospital. However, the on call OB was fantastic.

I didn't meet the boys until 7:00 (ish) that night. Erik was able to meet them around 5pm. They were admitted immediately at birth to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Things for Hayden were extremely rough, he wasn't breathing at birth and had to be intebated. I didn't find out until post discharge when I read his discharge papers just how tramatic his birth was, I had been told but I don't think our amazing nurse wanted me to fully grasp it - what mom would want to hear that. Hayden was on an ossiclating ventilator, which was the most heartwrenching thing to see during our entire stay, for about 28 hours or more before moving to a regular ventilator and Liam was put on a CPAP.

Both boys had their battles during their stay, and we couldn't of made it through our time in the NICU without our amazing primary nurses. They are godsends and are two of the most wonderful people I have ever meet. Having their support during the bad days meant more than any one could ever understand. Erik and I didn't have any family near by and declined visitors because of the strict visitor policy at the NICU, we didn't think it was fair to ask family to come down when they couldn't even go and see the boys. Hayden suffered a Grade 3 IVH (intraventricular hemorrage), there are 4 stages of IVH - 4 being the worst. IVH is where blood vessels on the ventricles (that hold spinal fluid in your brain) have bursted. Grades 3 and 4 normally come with a chance of brain damage and a chance of learning disabilites and mental disabilites. Most of the time there is a need for surgical intervention. Haydens neurosgurgeon decided to do spinal taps prior to surgery to see if it helped him start to clear up his bleed on his own. Thankfully after 2 taps they noticed that it was helping and after 5 taps they decided he could be followed as an outpatient. And by way of a miracle Hayden came out of it with no brain damage, confirmed by an MRI prior to discharge. Liam had his struggles as well, he came down with NEC (an infection in the intestines) during his stay and had to be off of food and on antibotics for a week as well as isolation. Thankfully, he never perferated and the situation wasn't as bad as it could have been. Liam spent 35 days in the NICU before coming home and Hayden spent 40 days before we were able to take him home.

Not meeting the boys right away, or being able to hold them, was extremely hard. I was in recovery and the hospital policy was that I couldn't go or be taken down to the NICU until I could walk from the bed to the wheelchair. I had had a spinal and was considered a fall risk. I was in regular post-partum recovery and hearing the other women around me with their new babies was the absolute worst. I don't think I have cried as much as I have cried during the past 8 weeks. I can't help but feel so insanely guilty about the struggles the boys have had to overcome and how much they have had to fight to get to where they are today. I won't ever be able to forget a single lumbar puncture, x-ray, head ultrasound, heel prick, PICC line insert or IV they have had to go through. Nor can I help but feel terrible that I wasn't there from their first minute of life on - they were instead surrounded by nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists. I keep remembering learning in a breastfeeding class that babies are terrified upon delivery and that's why those who have skin-to-skin performed immediately thrive. I can't help but replaying that over and over in my head on an almost constant basis and I feel horrible that they each had to go through that not only without each other close by, but without me there.

It has been so nice having the boys home and being able to be their mom full time. The only things we struggle with now are my emotions to how everything has played out and my emotions regarding what has occured. I quite pumping after a long debate with myself. It took me a while to realize that the side affects of Reglan and the quanity of milk I was producing (less than a bottle for each a day) was not worth not enjoying my babies and dealing with the emotions the Reglan brought along with it. I tried everything and really truly gave it my all, but after 7 weeks, I just couldn't do it any longer. I currently offer Hayden my breast about 2-3 times a day and let him breastfeed for 10-15 minutes before giving him his bottle. Liam absolutely hates breastfeeding, so he only does when he is really rooting for food or else he would scream the entire time. Overall, they are doing fantastic and only have follow up appointments from here on out. They are acting more and more like normal, every day babies and less and less like preemies. We really had God on our side during everything, things could have been much much worse if I hadn't had that appointment with my MFM the morning of the 7th. While we've had a long journey so far, it's still a journey that I am so thankful to have.

Updates and Emotions

October 3rd, 2012
27 weeks 1 day

It's been quiet a while since I've written either on here, and even longer since I have written in the journal I've been keeping for the boys. Life has just gotten a little hectic, but I really need to get better about it. I want to have things for them to read when they get older.

I had my 1 hour glucose test back two weeks ago, it really wasn't bad at all. I opted for a Lemon-Lime flavor, since I hate Orange flavored anything. Pretty much tasted like a sugary Sprite. I felt a little dizzy towards the end, and had a horrible headache afterwards from the sugar. But I passed, thankfully. Me, give up chocolate and all things sweet? HA! You've got to be kidding me. No worries, there! The following Thursday, the 19th, I ended up back in L&D around midnight or so. I was having contractions that were 10 minutes apart, water and laying down weren't offering any sort of solution. We got in pretty quickly, and thankfully the wonderful nurses were able to get them to stop and thankfully I wasn't starting active labor. These babies need to cook a lot longer before they are able to arrive.

We had our appointment with our MFM yesterday, at 27 weeks on the dot. They did a cervix check and a growth scan. Baby A is weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces, and Baby B is weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces. We are back up to a 17% growth discrepancy, but they aren't worried about it at the moment - at least that's what they say. There aren't any signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) and it isn't likely that it would develop this late. We got a great picture of Baby B looking at us and you can tell a HUGE weight difference from their 23 week growth scan and yesterdays. He looks like my little gummy baby.

I'm really starting to look VERY pregnant. I really need to post some pictures on here, Erik is horrible about taking pictures - I have to beg practically for him to take one, and then another because the first one looks horrible. Then it ends in me being mad. Just not a good combination I suppose. I'm really feeling the babies move more and more, and I absolutely just love it. I could sit all day long and feel my belly and feel them move. It's one of the most amazing feelings in the world, at least I think so. It makes every heartburn, ache and pain so completely worth it.

We took the boys to their first concert last Thursday, the 27th, to see Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, and Scotty Mccuery. The USO was giving away free tickets to active duty military, which was awesome! I love free tickets and country music. The boys were kicking up a storm the entire time Brad Paisley was on stage. They're definitely going to be mommy's little country boys.

Otherwise things have been quiet here, truthfully I haven't been in the mood to have it any other way. I've been feeling quiet anxious and sad lately. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but either way. I just feel so alone lately. Erik is gone at nights now, and I'm realizing quickly that the friends I have here, aren't like the friends I had back home (it isn't like I have hardly a friend back home any how anymore.. things change when you move away). Back home friends came over, hung out and just chatted with you. Here - it's more of a coffee date once a week and text messaging. Which is better than nothing - and I do like the friends that I have made. It's just... not what I need or what I'm used to. I don't know - this funk isn't hardly fun at all. I honestly just feel sad, it's like this pity party feeling I can't shake. I don't want to be back in Virginia Beach, but I miss certain aspects of it. I miss the environment more than anything I suppose, people are just different here. I just feel.. alone.

I don't know if it's that I miss having family near by, or that everyone and their mother who finds out we are expecting twins ask the question about who we will have to help us or makes a comment about "Oh, you're going to need a LOT of help!". I seriously could scream if I hear that remark one more time. I'm really looking forward to Erik and I having the boys and handling parenthood. We're going to learn so much about each other, and we're going to have to rely on each other and I think that's going to make our relationship a lot closer than we ever imagined. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks with it being just us and the boys before we have company/visitors. I want to be able to recover on my own and not have to worry about having people around. But my heart hurts when I see pictures of family visiting newborns in the hospital, because we don't have that luxury. The nurses and other soon to be parents at our hospital tours were talking about family visiting and I just had to tune it out completely.. we won't have visitors. It'll be Erik and I. I don't even know what we are going to do with Jade at this point in time. I don't trust hardly anyone with her, and I don't want to have friends over who are going to discipline my dog. It's going to be hard for her too. I've got a bazillion thoughts running through my mind, a million things to get done, and I just feel alone.

Here's to hoping better days are around the corner..

Beat the 1 pound mark!

September 5th, 2012
23 weeks 1 day

We had an appointment this morning with our MFM and found out the babies are much closer together! And they've broken the pound mark! Our little ones are 1 pound 1 oz and 1 pound 2 oz and I couldn't be more thrilled! (aside from knowing that 2 pounds of my weight is their weight!) I'm just grateful they are doing great and cooking well! We will continued to be monitored closely for TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) and my cervix continues to be checked every two weeks. It was nice and long today and my MFM said I don't show any signs of preterm labor! Yay!

Baby A 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 1 oz

Baby B 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 2 oz

 

I'm still in a funk and waiting for pictures to be uploaded from the baby shower so I will update with that soon. Otherwise, things are quite again in our home. I'm trying to figure out how to organize the nursery, and I'm itching to start. I'm almost positive I will reorganize it a million times before they make their arrival - but I will love every minute of it.

 

1 more week till V day!! (Viability day! 24 weeks!)

Sad

September 3, 2012
22 Weeks 6 Days

I have another post I should be writing, one about our amazing weekend with our families who came down and visited with us and about the wonderful baby shower I was thrown. But I have a few other things on my mind right now that I need to get out in the open.

I think it's really hitting me that we're truly on our own, in every aspect. Our families are over ten hours away from us and we don't get to see them often, and when we do it never feels long enough. All of my friends who have had children have had their families within a thirty minute drive of them, so there was plenty of support and helping hands. We don't have that luxury, and it isn't because family doesn't want to, but because we are just far away. It isn't like a day trip, or even a three day weekend trip that's easy to make.

For the past year and half that we've lived here, I've never really missed being super close to family. I've enjoyed my privacy, and my independence. The move was a wonderful growing experience for myself and for Erik and I. We've learned how to completely just rely on one another and get through things without running home to mom and dad to complain about the other person. I actually would say that I loved living further away. But after family left last night, I'm just so sad.

I'm sad I guess because I know that I won't be seeing most of them until the boy's are here, which truthfully is a bit overwhelming. I'm also sad because I know this is such a huge life changing event and no one is really around to be here for it. I know it really is just life changing for Erik and I, but it would be nice to have family nearby. I'm sad that I won't have my mom close by to help, even though our relationship is very up and down, I'm still sad. I won't be able to just have my mom near when/if I want her. I'm sad our boys will grow up like I did, far away from their Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. I'm sad that they won't be near by to play with future cousins and be close with them.

I knew this would happen, because of our life style. I knew that the military would keep us away from family. But I guess I never really grasped that my children will grow up like I did. Not that there is anything wrong with how I grew up. But it's not fun being far away from family, it isn't exciting to go on 10-12 hour car rides to see Grandparents. It isn't fun to have your daddy deployed. When I said I would never marry a military man, it wasn't because I thought they were bad guys, it's because I know what it is like to grow up in that lifestyle. Now, I love Erik with all my heart, and I'm so very proud of what he is doing. There isn't any mistake in that. I wouldn't of wanted to marry any other man. Part of me is just sad and I hope that my sons grow up slightly different than I did. I hope that somehow, some way we can find a way to make it easier with family far away. Skype can only do so much, but I'm really hoping we can figure out ways to keep them close with their extended family.

Maybe I'm just a hormonal mess right now, and I'm sure my pregnancy mood swings aren't helping. I'm sure I will have myself pulled back together in a week or two from now. But.. right now, I can't help but just be sad and overwhelmed about the future and about going through all of these changes without family nearby.

Dr, Dr, Dr..

So yesterday I was just a basketfull of emotions. I woke up in a relatively good mood and then BAM! I was a grouch. I could of ripped off someone's head if I really wanted to. And it started for no particular reason. And then throughout the day just little things annoyed me until Erik went to work. I like having time to myself I'm realizing. Quiet time to work and listen to music. Time to wake up, time to just breathe. So when my husband goes to work, I get that.

We also recieved some news yesterday about the twins and the ultrasound on Monday. The purpose of the ultrasound was to date them to see how they were growing, and to see if they share a placenta - and they do. Which means they are mono/di twins. They are in seperate sacs, so that is a relief. They are definitely identical twins, so we will be having either 2 little boys or 2 little girls. Because they are mono/di twins, we were referred out from base because they don't have the care that we need. Mono/Di means higher risk - because they share the placenta it can cause Intrauternine growth restriction on one of the twins, it isn't promised, but it's a possibility.

The news gave me a slight breakdown. Being raised as a military child I never had to chose my Dr before, and had really good luck. Being a military wife, I didn't chose my Dr or OB care - as it was all on base in the Naval Hospital and had great care so far. So... now I had to pick a Dr for the most important care I would and my babies would recieve! Talk about being overwhelmed! Not to mention our Naval Hospital offered some great classes I wanted to take advantage of, esp the breastfeeding one! So double freak out. Well - it turns out because it wasn't my choice to go out in town for OB care - I can still take advantage of everything on base, especially since my children will be recieving care there as well.

So the taunting Dr search - I looked and looked and looked for hours yesterday and today. And after a slight breakdown, some phone calls to other offices, I think I found the Dr I would like to use. I do have two recommendations for back ups just in the off chance we don't get along so that's good news. I was able to make my new appointment, and will be seen by the new Dr in just about 3 weeks. Phewww!!!

Now I can focus on schoolwork, ordering a book for a class that starts very, very soon. Math homework and housework. Oh and seeing our babies again tomorrow at our NT Scan. Busy time to decide to go back to school, huh? Oh well... life doesn't ever get put on hold I suppose.