Thoughts..

First off I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas! Mine was pretty good, I got to spend it with my lovebug and I don't have to worry about him leaving soon, because well he isn't. Christmas mass was beautiful, and I am glad Erik got to spend Christmas with his family.
I am missing my family a little bit more than I expected this year, last year it didn't bother me as much, but this year I sure did. Erik hasn't really been to patient over it, but we always work through things and he is a little bit better about it all.
On a positive note, I did get to have my first white Christmas this year, which was beautiful. I love snow, I love the way it looks and the excitement it brings with it. It wasn't much, about 3 inches of snow. But it was perfect, we went sledding, for my first time, something Erik always promised me.

So, on a down side, lately I seem to be second guessing quite a few things. And I know my goal for this year was to really really learn to ignore those thoughts and to stop doing it. But its hard... Erik is my first really great relationship, the first person I can say without a doubt loves me whole with all his heart. I just sometimes get a little worried about moving so far away with no real sense of security. It's hard to explain - I know Erik loves me, and wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt me, but I still worry about the "what if's" and if I am making the right move. It's a big move for me. It's exciting but still really scary in the same sense. I am looking forward to going somewhere new, somewhere different. I am so grateful, and so very lucky that I have a job that I am able to take with me.
I guess it is taking that first leap of faith that is the hardest, or more intimidating than anything else. I guess every military wife has to go through this, but I'm not a military wife. I guess that's what is the most upsetting, is that people don't understand I'm not doing this because this is our military life, rather for love, plain and simple. I've spent 17 months away from my best friend and the love of my life in the past 2.5 years, I refuse to spend any time apart unless its necessary or for the right reasons. Sometimes it's just hard to swallow, that with that leap of faith, so many things change.
Another thing I guess I am afraid of with this move, is that I will somehow lose my independence. I don't like having to rely on people for anything. I've always been the type of person who rather do it myself. I stress out big time over it. I guess it is just one of my flaws. I don't like having to rely on others to do things for me, or to take care of me. For me its more of a choice - I don't like being made to rely on someone, where if I needed to I know I could rely on Erik. Weird, I know. I'm just stubborn - I like having my choices.

Well - I need to get back to work, and I think all this typing is waking Erik up. Enjoy the last few days of 2010.

- Anne