Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Two steps forward, 5 Steps backward.

Well this morning we have our meeting with the priest, at the church on base. Honestly, I have a stupid fear of actually holding a conversation with a priest, because I don't want to say anything wrong. But this morning, I am really looking forward to it. I am hoping he will give us the answers we want, as well as some great direction and guidance. Edit: Unfortunately, the priest was not feeling well this morning and had to go into the emergency room, we should be hearing back on when we can meet with him tonight or tomorrow.
I have actually found a couple different venues in Jacksonville that look like they will fit into our budget. I'm pretty excited about that, because for a little while it wasn't looking so great. I even found this church downtown that is absolutely breathtaking. It's an older church, and looks small on the inside (which is what we would ideally like). But it's gorgeous. I even found a photographer, whose pictures I absolutely adored online. He's a little out of my price range, but we'll see how it goes.

On another note, there are quite a few options when it comes to location of our wedding, and location kind of chooses the time frame. If we were to do it in Florida, it would either be November or end of February or beginning of March, if we choose Virginia Beach - it would be September (too soon) or May (too close to his sisters) and if we choose Kentucky - it would be June. At least the way I am thinking. Heck - we have even tossed around the idea of having a destination wedding. I just want everyone happy, I want people to look forward to coming to our wedding and sharing our special day with us. I want people there to share that day with, friends and family alike. Whether or not that happens, is out of my control. No matter the day, the time, or any of the thousands of options that need to be chosen and decided on, there will be someone who isn't happy. I need to come to terms with that, and focus on Erik and I. Sadly, I don't think I will be having a bridal party - because unfortunately, although I am willing to buy the dresses, travel is expensive. And honestly, I don't have many friends. I can't expect the ones I do have to pay the travel costs to come be in my wedding, nor can I expect them to drop everything. As much as I realize this, and understand this, it kind of makes me feel more lonely, and sad. That there won't be anyone, standing with me on my special day. I won't be able to have a bridal shower, nor a bachlorette party. And although they aren't required, I want that. I want to look at lingerie and talk about marriage with other girls, and have silly games, or whatever it is that happens at a Bridal Shower. I want to go out and get tipsy topsy and have fun. I want to enjoy being a bride to be.

When did things become so complicated? When did it become too much to ask for others to be happy for me and for us? When did it become too hard for friendships to last, and for people to make sure they remained there for the other person, through thick and thin. Why can't I pick out things, and makes choices on our wedding without having to worry about the other choices someone else has made. I don't have the answers, nor will I ever. Whoever said this is the happiest time in your life, lied, because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I feel like I take two steps forward, and start to get a little bit of excitement back, and then I take five steps backwards and can't stop crying.

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