Overwhelmed

Things have been crazy this past week. Honestly, crazy. It's hard to believe it's only been a week since Erik has asked me to marry him. Anyone else would probably still be on cloud 9. It's not that I'm not excited about marrying Erik, or that I'm not madly in love with him. Because I am, honestly and truly. It's just that I feel as if my excitement has been stolen, or rather held against me. I feel as if I'm not allowed to be excited.

Erik's sister got engaged in April, and we were extremely happy for her, and still are. She deserves to have a perfect wedding, every girl does. Erik proposed to me on July 4th, and I was really, head over heels excited until I received a phone call, and it didn't seem like she was all that happy about it. So then I became worried, that I in some form or another took something away from her. So come Wednesday, I sent her an email letting her know I didn't want to step on her toes, or in anyway take anything away from her wedding planning experience or anything in general, and I wanted to let her know that her's and her fiancee's wedding was really important to us. I also wanted her to tell me if anything we did upset her so we could change it, or do our best to accommodate, because everyone being happy is really important to me and I want to have a great relationship with Erik's family. Well it backfired when we were asked what days we were thinking about getting married and I threw out a few different months that we had talked about. I always wanted a spring wedding with bright colors and warmth. Well, we really want to be respectful to her wedding. So.. I received a phone call from his other sister, that I am really truly happy I did, because I did upset his sister.
Well, honestly some of the things said upset me. I've been in tears every single day, since. So, Erik and I wanted to compromise so everyone could be happy, and so his parents could be at our wedding. Well.. even our compromise doesn't seem to make anyone happy and I am just at lost as to what to do or say. I honestly, at this point, really truly think they all hate me, or just don't care.

Erik didn't want a long engagement, nor did I. Erik becomes deployable, in just under two and a half years. We want to do and accomplish things in our first year of marriage, and then try to have kids and it is important that he is here when we do have our children, especially our first one. So, as of right now, things would ideally work out for the best. However, if we were to wait for the time when everyone wants us to be married, than he would have a year left. Wouldn't work for us. When it comes to the military you have to plan everythinggggggg. So, why are we asked to hold off/postpone/ or hurry our wedding up?

I'm just overwhelmed about everything that needs to be done if we are going to get married when we are thinking. I feel like I can't share anything with anyone. I want my mom here, she is supposed to be the one helping me, going to bridal expo's with me, going to visit venue's with Erik and I, going to see the churches with us. But she is 750 miles away. I have to figure out where to go wedding dress shopping at, there or here. I'm homesick. I want my mom. And now, even the two people I asked to be in my bridal party, probably won't be. I understand it is a lot to ask, a LOT, to ask. I do. We are so far away from my friends and family, and travel is expensive. But really.. I feel so alone. Erik is the sweetest most caring person, and has volunteered to go to the bridal expo's with me. But he shouldn't have to. My friends should be, my bridal party, my mom. But I don't get that. I won't get the bacholorette party, the bridal shower, heck we have to throw our own engagement party which consists of a cookout of Erik's friends and work buddies. No family, no friends of mine.

I'm really not wanting a pity party, but honestly sometimes this military life SUCKS. Yes, I know what I am marrying into, yes I know there are months where he won't be home - we've been there already- yes there will be times where things SUCK the big one, but I love him, and being with him is worth all of that. But, it still doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make feeling so alone, any easier. Nothing does. I just want to be able to enjoy this time, because I'll never get it back. But instead, I feel like I have to ask permission to be happy, I feel like his family hates me that they think I am trying to take something away from his sister. But I'm not, on that same breathe, what about Erik's happiness, what about what he wants? Why should we have to loose and compromise everything he and I want for our wedding to make everyone else happy? Why should we have to adjust our life plans to meet everyone elses needs? Why? Why do we have to realize that travel is so far out of the question for family and friends that we realize, hardly any one will be there or wants to make the effort to be there for our special day.


Day 7... and I'm crying again.