Friday, February 11, 2011


I have some confessions to air out..
First one being - I am absolutely terrified out of my mind. Yes, mainly about the move. Do you really blame me? Before I get my butt torn a new one by someone let me explain. I have lived just about every bit of my life in Virginia Beach, for the past 17 and a half years this has been my life, my home. My friends are here, more importantly my family is here. I have gone through so much and it all ties to this area. I've just never been so absolutely terrified. For pete's sake its almost 1 am and I can't sleep. I've never been the girl who pities herself, or crys herself to sleep quietly so I don't wake Erik up. But lately.. that's who I've been. I hide behind this 'badass' persona to convince myself that I can do it. When in fact I am terrified out of my mind. I have to get it out somewhere, and its hard to explain to Erik how I'm feeling. He tries and I know he is being so patient, but he doesn't quite grasp it. I never was that girl who wanted to be with a military man, I never was that girl who wanted nothing more than to leave my hometown, I never even really thought about moving away until I meet Erik. And granted now I am that girl, and I love him with all my heart, truly I do, but it's so much harder emotionally than I ever imagined. I understand he's moved, but its a different type of move. It was his choice, he knew enlisting would send him away, and he embraced it. I on the other hand, didn't know love was going to take me so far away from my home.
Part of me is still very insecure about my left eye. For those of you who don't really know, since I was little (my mom swears it happened when i caught scarlet fever at age 3) my left eye is paralyzed. It doesn't really move, and after so long I do a great job faking it. I was ruthlessly teased as a child, and it's not like I don't mind explaining it, the real name for it is Dwayne's Retraction Syndrome - and I look nothing like the freaky pictures the websites show. I'm so terrified about living with the whole, is so and so going to think I'm a weirdo because of my eye. It hurts to know that the way strangers few me, isn't the way I'd hope they would. And first impressions are key...
I'm just so terrified, terrified of everything. Letting my family down, letting my friends down, letting Erik down. I just want everyone to be happy and to be proud of me, and to just be the best person I can be. But I am terrified that I'm just not strong enough for this. I hate the idea of being so far away from my mom, whats going to happen when all I need to make me better is her - I can't expect her to jump on the next flight down to Jacksonville. It's bad enough I'm having panic attacks over it now, what's going to happen a month from today??
I'm so god damn scared, I hate this feeling. I hate not feeling like I can do anything, I can get through anything. I hate crying at 1 in the morning because I don't want Erik worrying about me. I hate thinking about everything I am going to miss. I hate thinking about telling two amazing little boys I've watched grow up since one was 3 and the other was 6 months old that I am moving to Florida. I hate thinking about leaving my friends, who've actually been there for me through thick and thin. I hate knowing in just a few weeks it's going to be a reality. I hate this. I don't like feeling this way, and frankly nothing I do can stop it. I hate knowing that I am going down there so soon, and there is no way of knowing whether or not its the right thing to do. It feels right, but I just want to know. And I know there is no way of knowing with out taking a leap of faith... I just want to be happy and excited, instead of secretly crying to myself in the middle of the night.

Second confession - I have been a horrible girlfriend lately, not cleaning hardly, not cooking. I just don't feel like it, on top of being sick. I guess I am just sick and tired of playing maid..

Maybe the bed is calling my name... I'm not sure. I'm tired, and can't sleep. Thoughts just keep pouring over my mind, I really shouldn't of started packing today, I don't like doing things last minute. Maybe retail therapy tomorrow can help a bit? A new pair of heels always helps my mood.

Hopefully I will get some sleep.. have a good night.


1 comment:

  1. Oh lady, I completely get it. It is scary to leave home. I wasn't scared to leave until I was actually in a packed car driving away from my parents' house. Our sailors knew what it meant to enlist and go away, and we weren't expecting it. I want to say it'll get better once you get down there, but I really can't say that. It gets slowly better I guess, or it has for me here In VA Beach (originally from Ohio). The good thing is you're feeling it now, so once you get there you'll be more prepared. Whatever you are nervous about now you'll realize it's not that bad. Good Luck! I think you'll do great!