Monday, February 21, 2011

Moving emotions and Anxiety.

Wow - this weekend hit me hard, really HARD. My going away party was Saturday night, just something small at my neighbor's house. It was fun and will be more than ever appreciated. We started really, really packing yesterday. And I counted the days that we had until we really needed to get everything packed up, and it hit me. There are like 18 days until the move, give or take just a few. I couldn't believe it. And then I woke up this morning, and saw the mess and saw the boxes and reality hit me like a brick wall.
I'm so worried about everything, so worried about leaving, so sad about it all. I feel as if I am loosing part of me rather than going on an adventure. My family and I are pretty close, and they mean the world to me. And it terrifies me that I am leaving them. I won't be 15 minutes down the road. I won't be able to go home to my mommy and have a hug on a bad day. And that in itself kills me.
I guess blindly, I thought this is supposed to be an exciting time, a happy time, an adventure for the both of us to be on our own. But right now, for whatever reason I feel as if there is something wrong with me. Why is it that everyone else can just willingly pack up and move, and be happy and excited? Why is it that for everyone else its this big wonderful adventure? How come I am the only one it seems to feel as if I am losing everything? Maybe others aren't as public about it? It would just be nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way and that moving is actually terrifying.
There is just so much going on at once, and I feel so guilty about leaving my family behind. I know that this is our time and that yes they are happy for me. There are just so many emotions and I really don't know what to do with them.

I guess I just need to know I'm not alone in feeling like this, that I'm not being selfish because I'm not completely ecstatic. Don't get me wrong I am super thankful that I have the opportunity to move, the opportunity to see new things and meet new people. But part of me is still really sad that I'm leaving my life behind, my family, and some really amazing friends.

I just hope I can get this figured out soon, what to do with these emotions, and how to handle them. Because these anxiety attacks aren't fun and I just want to feel like I am doing the 'right' thing, and be excited about it. Although, deep down I don't think I will truly be excited about it until we are down there.

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