Sunday, August 21, 2011

Wisdom to accept..

It's been a pretty relaxing weekend for the most part. I booked our photographer on Friday, and I'm really excited about finishing up the 'big' planning steps. I still have to book our baker, the dj, and find someone I trust with my hair and face. Outside of that I think it's just the fun things, taking our engagement pictures, picking out invitations, and finding bridesmaids dresses. I'm having a bit of a hard time actually getting in trust with a 'bridesmaid' but I'm sure it's just because she is pretty busy herself. We are still hunting for a church, because I'm not comfortable spending the money that we would be spending on the current church. And I really need to decide on my final colors. But wedding stuff isn't really what this post is about.

I'm trying to have the wisdom to accept the things that I can not change. I've been struggling with it lately, and with certain things going on in my life. My grandmother's health is failing miserably. She has on one hand defeated cancer but otherwise her health is failing rapidly and the doctors aren't really quite sure why or how to fix it. That's been a hard thing to deal with and to actually rather understand when it's all third party information. Secondly, my brother is straying far away from the path he really should be on. Part of me feels like it's my fault. We all make mistakes and I understand that. And I know I'm no different and I didn't physically make him or tell him to do the things he is doing now. But it's still a struggle to accept that, to not want to protect him, to not want to help him 'get better'. My brother has an upcoming court date in which he could face up to a year in jail. It's hard for both my family and myself  to not 'help' him. My brother has been straying far from the path he should be on for the past two years. My mom was really hoping this would be a wake up call for him, to make him get back on the 'path' he should be on, or at least on a better path. But instead that hasn't happened, in fact I don't think it's done anything. He hasn't even tried to get a lawyer or a public defender to say the least. Instead he spends his time doing who knows what, and avoiding me. He hasn't talked to me since I left, he's only answered a handful of text messages but nothing significant. I feel horrible for my parents for having to deal with this and having to remain 'strong' and not cave in to help and baby him. I don't know what happened to my brother, he isn't the same person he was 3 or 5 years ago. I want me real brother back, the one who cared about his life and his family. Instead he is throwing it all away, I don't want my brother to go to jail but it isn't looking like he cares. Sadly, I get to come up with an excuse to tell my family and my future in-laws about why my brother won't be at my wedding. It's a hard pill to swallow, to know my brother is going to a horrible place where he shouldn't be. I guess part of me just really wants my old brother back, the one I remember, not the one who is hanging around now.

It's hard to accept things you can not change, to walk away from it, to let consequences for others actions take place. To just back.. and let life happen, to let it play out. So that's what I'm struggling with.. his court date is this week, so I just pray he wakes up and realizes what is going on and gets things straightened out in time. But if not, I pray that he just has the strength to straighten his life out - no matter the circumstances.

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