Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Things no one talks about

We had our PreCana class over the weekend, this past Saturday. It was eight full hours of premarital counseling - well sort of. I don't think you can really count 8 hours of being in an auditorium full of maybe 25 other couples as counseling, but it really did provide some insight. The main topics were about communication, finances, natural family planning, and life. There was an elder couple who came in to talk to us and it was really nice to hear about their hardships and how they solved them.

Fair fighting was on the agenda, along with communication and it really kind of hit me hard upside my head. They gave us this little circle - and said when we have an issue to sit down face to face and go through the circle. Basically what it was getting at, was every issue has an underlying fear. That's what hit me hard.

All the little tiff's Erik and I have been having lately, and all the 'fights' so to say are due to a fear - mainly me enraged by one thing or another. I don't ask for help around the house, because I don't want to rely on Erik to take out the trash (or something along those lines) and then he deploys and I suddenly have a breakdown because he isn't here to take out the garbage. Makes no sense to my sane brain, but the insane brain makes this believable. I guess what it boils down to is I'm scared to give up on the independence I've gained - the 'I can do it all, I've got this, I don't need your help' type of attitude. I don't want to be left vulnerable when it's time for him to leave again.
Also, there are numerous occasions where I feel like my job, to him, isn't validated. Yes, I am home all the time but I do work. I do have responsibilities, I have deadlines, I have people who depend on me to do my job. So when I'm asked to call someone and it's in the middle of my work day - no it isn't going to happen. If he wants it done right then and there, he needs to call them, not me. I'm working. So it really upsets me that it feels like he doesn't respect my job. He wouldn't call me at the office to call the pest control company to come out, so why does he feel the need to ask me directly to do it in the middle of my work day? This really doesn't qualify as a fear, but I guess if I were more open about it it is. I want to be appreciated for what I do, for what I bring to the table. I want to feel needed, and feeling unneeded and not being appreciated is a huge fear for me. I want to feel like my contribution is just as important as his is.

No one ever really talks about their fears, not as much as their wants are brought up into discussion. Maybe because showing fears and weaknesses leaves you vulnerable, open for someone to realize that your not worth the time and effort. Lately, I feel like I'm pushing Erik away, trying to get him to break almost. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, because it certainly isn't what I want. But maybe its for my own ease of mind, like if I push him so hard and he is still here than that means he really isn't going anywhere. Or maybe its just the 3 year itch. Either way.. I don't like it. Its extremely tiresome. We stopped doing the Love Dare because we got so busy with work, but I'm truly thinking about starting it back up soon.

My mind just seems so scattered lately, and on a one way road to destruction. I've been so preoccupied with wedding things, and having things just perfect. I've been extremely stressed with money and lately health issues. I developed Bell's Palsey recently and that's been a royal pain in the rear to deal with. I'm just getting to the point of no return I feel.. I think some much needed relaxation is in the forecast, maybe a massage would help, I'm really looking forward to doing hot yoga when I get to Virginia Beach for Christmas. I've really missed it, it isn't offered down here or at least not anywhere that I've found. Maybe.. I'm just on overload - but regardless - it needs to stop, because I seriously can't handle many more days like today.

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