Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Whats on my mind..

I want to start off first by saying that I know I am truly lucky for the amazing people and things in my life that I have been blessed with. I am so grateful for my family, Erik, and the amazing friends who've truly stuck by me threw it all. I don't normally write at night, because I try and let my feelings and emotions and thoughts stir, until they stick. I try very hard to think before I speak, or in this case write. But I have the urge to write what is exactly on my mind for one reason or another. So I am going to listen to my gut and write.

I've had several 'friends' on facebook recently write about exciting news going on in their lives. And I am so beyond happy for them. Truly I am, especially the ones who really, really deserve nothing but greatness and all the excitement in the world. I can't help but wallow after all the excitement settles and wonder, when will it be my turn. I can't count how many "Congratulations" that I have posted or given to people, truly meaning it, in the past few months. Many of which were as always complete surprises. But still, I'm often left wondering when is it my time. I know I am so lucky for the wonderful news that we got our house, and I am so grateful to have an amazing man who is home for the first spring in three years.

Maybe it's just my impatience nudging at me. I've always been a pretty impatient person. I'm the type of girl who lives and loves hard. I try my hardest to live life to the fullest and not take things for granted. But I when I love, I love deeply. I tend to do a lot of things pretty faced paced. So I guess it's really just myself being impatient.

I've been hearing more and more lately about marriage, about friends and people I know getting married and having babies. I'm 22 years old. What is every other 22 year old female thinking about? I can only guess college, careers, parties and dates. So why is it that you take some women from ages 18-24 and bring them into the military world. They all are consumed with being married and having babies. But once you leave the 'military' world. Everyone thinks its that 22 is too young. So I don't understand why I think I'm too old to not be married. It'd be nice to have some civilian friends to ground my feet from this insanely fast speed lane I seem to be running in. Everyone around me is running a million miles an hour - because face it its the military life. You don't have time to sit down and wait. Deployments happen. Maybe everyone is trying to make up for lost time, for time that will be lost. Either way... it's driving me insane.

I know full heartly that I am too young to be feeling like an 'Old Maid'. But for some reason or another I do. I feel as if my life is running away and I cant catch up. I'm so thankful for everything I have, for everyone that is in my life. I guess I am just impatient. I want it to be my day, I want to be the girl on everyone's friends list who gets married next. I want to be fortunate enough to belong to someone for the rest of my life. I know that it will not change the way I feel towards Erik, it will not change our relationship one bit whatsoever. I get that completely. I truly do. But for some reason I can't seem to be any more patient about it. I don't know... maybe it's just me being emotional. Maybe it's just me feeling as if I have completely committed myself to him by moving here and leaving behind everything. I can't really say he hasn't committed, because he just bought us the most beautiful home ever. I don't know.. see I can tell I am even being irrational about this whole thing.

Being around this military life just really sucks sometimes to be quiet frank. Everyone else doesn't get married young. I can't really say that for sure, because I've never been out of this military life. I can't imagine how nice it must be to not worry about deployments, to not think about "Wow if we get hitched we can make an extra $400 a month". I don't know, my mind is on a treadmill right now, running a million miles an hour. Just like this life has us all running. I can't make sense of it, or why I feel this way when I know in my right mind I shouldn't be.

I guess I am going to just call it a night and sleep on it. I need to stop letting myself get worked up over peoples senseless comments. I never really was one to let myself get worked up or so butthurt from other peoples remarks. I used to be the girl who was so confident, so sure of everything. And for some reason or another I seem to be loosing that. I wish I wasn't. Life hasn't always been perfect but up until the relationship before Erik I was so sure of it all. So positive in what I wanted to make my life, so sure of who I was, and I was so happy and carefree.

I don't understand why the bad parts, the things you want to forget the most never leave your mind. The hurtful words never do leave you the same person you once were. I would give anything to go back and erase all the hurtful things that were said to me. I wish more than anything he could pay for (excuse my french) all the mind fucking he did. I have no, and I mean absolute zero, tolerance for any type of abuse. I could never understand how women would stay in a relationship with someone who had zero respect for her until I was in that situation. Every person is different and we all come to our senses at different times, if at all. i just wish I could unhear everything I heard. Every hateful statement that degraded me and chipped away at the beautiful, happy person I was. And now I am fighting daily to get that all back. I just want to be who I was before that situation occurred, before I heard all those things. If you ask me, and this is just my experience any amount of physical abuse is better than verbal abuse. Bruises are harder to hide, but they go away. The words filled with hate just eat at you. I know that every mistake I made, every move I made, every wrong turn I took lead me to Erik. I know that I really have been blessed to have meet such a man who would love me for everything I am. I'm beyond lucky.

Well I got way off topic tonight, maybe it was a good thing. I just need to find my old confidence. Before it became all damaged and bruised. I know that one day I will.. I'll be fearless and full of confidence. I will know that I am beautiful without having to hear compliments. One day... and one day might not come soon enough. But it will come. Maybe writing it out is my way to get it back... I'm not sure. But we'll see. I wasn't planning on letting people really 'in' on that part of my life. But then again maybe it's better to have the open book concept of life.

Maybe it really isn't the commitment aspect that's killing me, maybe it's more or less that I feel the need to have the 'security' of marriage is why I am so impatient over it. I think that's why it digs down at my heart so much when it isn't me being the one to announce the 'good news'. But that's going to stop. Starting now... I know Erik will ask me when the time is right. Until then, I'll just be the most loving girlfriend I can be and I will try to slow down in the fast lane that the military has us in.

1 comment:

  1. Military life does suck at times. I know! :) It will get better!