Monday, November 22, 2010

Birthday thoughts.

So.. today is my birthday. I'm officially not a 'fun' age anymore.. just plain ole 22. Supposedly, its a 'lucky' birthday? I don't know if I necessarly believe in that or what. But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. a lot. There are a lot of things I don't like, and things I love. I've been thinking that since I'm 22 and I'm supposed to becoming more of a 'lady', there is one quality that I absolutely love in women who are older than I am.. and that is, they recognize their flaws, and either fix them or embrace them.

This has me thinking about my flaws and things that I don't like about myself, not necesarly beauty flaws either. So some of the things that I don't really care for about myself...
  1. I second guess everything. I really really do. I'm not sure if its because I doubt myself, or my judgement, or if its people around me. But this is something I really need to stop doing. It only creates more self torture. This is definitely one of the top things I want to fix.
  2. I don't have a high self confidence- which needs to be fixed. I've been torn to pieces my entire life, and unhealthy relationships both with the opposite sex and friends have caused this. It's not an excuse- just consequences of past events. After being told over and over again that you aren't beautiful, or your too fat, or this or that it starts to get to you. So I need to remember that, I am beautiful 
  3. I pick my self apart in the mirror- you know that whole, oh I'm getting a little pudge, or I could probably work this off- which contributes to number 2. That has got to stop. Yes I go to the gym, because I love the effect of working out and the feeling after a good sweat. But I should not be standing in the mirror doing that. Instead I will address one thing I like instead. For instance- I may not like the size of my arms, but I like that they are muscular, not flabby.
  4. I let things bother me, that shouldn't. Which needs to stop. I need to focus on things, yes, but I do not need to overly stress about them. That just causes a whole mess of emotions which isn't good.
  5. I need to remember that each day is a gift, not a right. I need to remember to live, to love beyond words, and to enjoy the day. Not stress over what tomorrow may bring.
But my biggest one- Is comparing myself to others. You know that girl in the store you see, who is like perfect, but looks nothing like you. Yet you still find yourself comparing your imperfections to her. And then you just feel worse about yourself? Okay- well maybe you don't but I do. I constantly compare myself to everyone else. I am going to try really really hard to stop this, and remember something my parents used to tell me, Everyone else isn't Anne. Which is so true. I'm the only ME. Who can I compare that to - no one!

My list can go on and on, but I figure it is a start. I want to be happy again, not that I'm not, and happiness isn't a goal, its a mood. I want to be able to love myself. I want to just be able to live, and let loose and enjoy life, enjoy the day, and enjoy the ones I love.

So here is to turning 22, and to recognizing that not everyone is perfect, and neither is life, you fall down, you get scraps and bruises and have a scar to tell a story. Here is to loving yourself, and loving life.

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