Two posts in one day, on the same topic. Sorry. But I need to vent, I need to get everything off of my chest. I'm tired of feeling like I am putting everyone between a rock and a hard place, like I have caused the biggest ordeal since the last dumb thing Obama said.

Maybe, I am just an emotional wreck, or a drama queen, or whatever. Maybe it's because I feel alone here lately. Maybe it's because I've never really been so involved with planning a wedding. But I feel like I am expected to just quietly take care of all of this on my own. I thought this was supposed to be a fun, big, thing to do. You only get married once, well... most people only get married once. That's another topic for another day. I thought everything is supposed to be full of fun, picking out flowers, picking out colors, cake designs, dj's, reception things. But it's been far from fun - in fact it's been the most stressful thing ever. Well almost ever. I feel like everyone is judging me. I have no clue what I am doing here, I feel like I am being fed to the sharks and everyone is watching, pointing, and laughing at me struggle. Maybe it's not what's really happening, but who knows. That's just how I feel. I feel like no one cares, and no one wants to help. Obviously I don't have friends who can or want to help. It's just me, completely alone on this.

Maybe I just don't get it, or maybe my expectations about this time in my life were totally different. Maybe it's all of those movies and TV shows that portray wedding planning as being a lot of fun, or portray the bride in the store with all of her closest friends and future mother in law and her mother. Instead I sit here and watch those shows and feel bad for myself because I don't and won't have that. I guess maybe what I am feeling is a huge let down, and jealously towards everyone who has that experience.

I guess I just need to put on my big girl panties, and realize that life isn't fair towards everyone and not one person gets nor wants everything they dream and wish and want. I need to be happy that I have an amazing fiance who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, and that wants to help in this whole experience all he can. I should be happy that I finally have chosen bridal colors, that I finally have an idea in my head of how it all will work, that we have a church booked. And that we will have decided on a reception venue here soon. After that, everything else will fall into place. I just really, really need to work on focusing on the good rather than the bad. I need to stop being my own debbie downer.

I've noticed, when your in a bad mood (or at least me) I get really tired, really fast. It's only the mid afternoon and I could curl up in bed and sleep the night away. Instead, I've got a ton of cleaning to get done. I always a big clean freak, but even more so now since my mom will be in town Friday afternoon. It's really important to me that she sees our home for the first time clean and pretty. Overall, it's pretty clean for the most part. But I do need to go over the carpets with the steam vac, and steam mop the tile. Our bathroom needs to be cleaned as well.

I'm a little frustrated that I haven't heard back from my thyroid doctor yet in regards to lab work that I had done about a week ago now. I was hoping that in the civilian world, I would hear back just as fast as I had been hearing back from my old Navy endocrine. Nothing yet. He was also doing some testing for other autoimmune diseases. When you have one autoimmune disease, where your body is attacking itself, your at risk to develop others as well. Just the nature of the beast I guess. So I'm waiting to hear back about those as well.

I'm feeling a lot better now that I got all of that off of my chest, sometimes it's just easier to vent it all out and write it down. It helps, at least it does help me. I can't keep things built up, or else I'll explode and nine times out of ten I explode on the wrong person.