Wednesday, June 1, 2011

New Routine

Erik started working nights again, which really isn't a big deal. I understand some people don't like it but I really don't mind one way or the other. It just means it's time to make a new routine for both myself and puppy dog. She is very much into having a routine, and seems to get a little crazy when it isn't what she is wanting or used to doing. Plus now we get our girl time, and longer walks and even TV time! :) She did make me feel pretty safe last night at that, she does sleep in her bed but I don't mind it especially now. She takes up his whole side and he didn't get in until late and she barked and went nuts to let me know that there was someone here - she really is a great puppy.

Since we finally got our resident access passes to the fitness center and all the other amenities that our community has, I'm thinking about trying to make it to the gym in the morning. It's just going to be a matter of getting up earlier and working out which also means bed time needs to be a little bit earlier as well. Which since Erik is working nights it shouldn't be too hard. I'm really hoping that by working out I'll start feeling even better about myself.

I'm starting to realize my issue with my weight, or my struggle really with accepting a natural, healthy weight is going to be a long process until I am better with it. It's not really something that people talk about publicly or with friends, just a private matter that is really a self kept secret. Accepting the way I look, and my flaws has always been a struggle. When I was younger I was constantly joked about my eye from other kids. It was something I knew I wasn't able to fix, and continually went to the doctor to see if anything could be done to fix it, but there is nothing for a 'lesser' case like mine. Rather I'm the goal for those who have it worse than I do. At one point I even questioned if there were anything they could do whether or not I'd want to have it done. Why should I have to change it for others, if anything I should change it for myself, but why would I want to, I want people to accept and love me with my flaws and all. So I focused on other things I could control, my weight, my looks, my hair you get the picture.

I'm still not completely comfortable in my own skin, I still find myself looking in the mirror and pinching small area's, finding the imperfections rather than the beauty. It's easier for me for one reason or another to focus on the negatives than the positives. Normally, for others it's the opposite, or so I would imagine. Now, I'm not by any means saying I'm ugly, I know I'm pretty and that God made me in my own way. But there are so many times that I just look at other girls and wish I was that tiny, or that my boobs were bigger, or that my arms weren't so muscular. You get the picture. It's a hard concept to wrap my brain around, that I am beautiful how I am, that I am attractive to others how I am. I look at all these girls on TV or in the magazine's and just wish I had their stomach, or legs, or whatever. It's hard to be happy with how you look when you have society pressuring you to be skinnier, leaner, taller, and even skinnier. I know it's something that I need to work on daily, and I really hope that just by working out to be healthier it will help me feel better about myself. I just want to be happy with who I see in the mirror. I know it won't happen completely overnight and it is going to take a lot of mind training. I know there is a difference in being overweight and being healthy and being smart, and I just need to focus on that. Focus on just being healthy and the rest will come along.

Just thoughts going through my head today.. I can't believe it's Wednesday already! I love when the week goes by fast. It'll be nice to hopefully have a relaxing weekend, and get some cleaning done before Erik's sister gets in next Tuesday. :) Hopefully Erik will be able to figure out work and get off earlier than normal so we can spend time with them. But I hope everyone has a happy hump day. It's back to work for me with a nice bowl of ice cream - have I ever mentioned I am a HUGE ice cream lover?! Because I am!

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