We had our PreCana class over the weekend, this past Saturday. It was eight full hours of premarital counseling - well sort of. I don't think you can really count 8 hours of being in an auditorium full of maybe 25 other couples as counseling, but it really did provide some insight. The main topics were about communication, finances, natural family planning, and life. There was an elder couple who came in to talk to us and it was really nice to hear about their hardships and how they solved them.
Fair fighting was on the agenda, along with communication and it really kind of hit me hard upside my head. They gave us this little circle - and said when we have an issue to sit down face to face and go through the circle. Basically what it was getting at, was every issue has an underlying fear. That's what hit me hard.
All the little tiff's Erik and I have been having lately, and all the 'fights' so to say are due to a fear - mainly me enraged by one thing or another. I don't ask for help around the house, because I don't want to rely on Erik to take out the trash (or something along those lines) and then he deploys and I suddenly have a breakdown because he isn't here to take out the garbage. Makes no sense to my sane brain, but the insane brain makes this believable. I guess what it boils down to is I'm scared to give up on the independence I've gained - the 'I can do it all, I've got this, I don't need your help' type of attitude. I don't want to be left vulnerable when it's time for him to leave again.
Also, there are numerous occasions where I feel like my job, to him, isn't validated. Yes, I am home all the time but I do work. I do have responsibilities, I have deadlines, I have people who depend on me to do my job. So when I'm asked to call someone and it's in the middle of my work day - no it isn't going to happen. If he wants it done right then and there, he needs to call them, not me. I'm working. So it really upsets me that it feels like he doesn't respect my job. He wouldn't call me at the office to call the pest control company to come out, so why does he feel the need to ask me directly to do it in the middle of my work day? This really doesn't qualify as a fear, but I guess if I were more open about it it is. I want to be appreciated for what I do, for what I bring to the table. I want to feel needed, and feeling unneeded and not being appreciated is a huge fear for me. I want to feel like my contribution is just as important as his is.
No one ever really talks about their fears, not as much as their wants are brought up into discussion. Maybe because showing fears and weaknesses leaves you vulnerable, open for someone to realize that your not worth the time and effort. Lately, I feel like I'm pushing Erik away, trying to get him to break almost. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, because it certainly isn't what I want. But maybe its for my own ease of mind, like if I push him so hard and he is still here than that means he really isn't going anywhere. Or maybe its just the 3 year itch. Either way.. I don't like it. Its extremely tiresome. We stopped doing the Love Dare because we got so busy with work, but I'm truly thinking about starting it back up soon.
My mind just seems so scattered lately, and on a one way road to destruction. I've been so preoccupied with wedding things, and having things just perfect. I've been extremely stressed with money and lately health issues. I developed Bell's Palsey recently and that's been a royal pain in the rear to deal with. I'm just getting to the point of no return I feel.. I think some much needed relaxation is in the forecast, maybe a massage would help, I'm really looking forward to doing hot yoga when I get to Virginia Beach for Christmas. I've really missed it, it isn't offered down here or at least not anywhere that I've found. Maybe.. I'm just on overload - but regardless - it needs to stop, because I seriously can't handle many more days like today.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Never ending battle.
It's still a battle. My body image vs Me.
We had our engagement pictures taken back on the 13th of November, and got them back last week. And I will firstly say I am in love with them. I am so utterly happy with our photographers and absolutely amazed that these are really us in the pictures! But.. on another token it's made me painfully aware of my poor body image.
In my head, I'm still vastly overweight. Okay - that in itself was an overstatement. But - I wasn't thin. I've lost about 20 pounds since last year. And for the most part.. I've been pretty good about keeping it off. I'm a fluctuator though, by about 5 pounds. But anyways - like I was saying. I think my body image of myself hasn't improved. I look at those pictures and notice right away that I look good. But yet I still want to loose another 10 more pounds. It's always, another ten more pounds and another ten. For some reason, I just don't grasp what it is that everyone else sees. I don't grasp that I do look pretty, or that I am at a good weight.
I'm not really sure how to solve this issue.. or at least correct it. I know it will always be a work in progress, this back and forth battle with my body image it would just be nice to learn how to correct those thoughts...
just what is on my mind at the moment. I know I've been a horrible blogger but I promise once things settle down I'll blog more. There have been numerous times I've wanted to, just extremely busy lately.
We had our engagement pictures taken back on the 13th of November, and got them back last week. And I will firstly say I am in love with them. I am so utterly happy with our photographers and absolutely amazed that these are really us in the pictures! But.. on another token it's made me painfully aware of my poor body image.
In my head, I'm still vastly overweight. Okay - that in itself was an overstatement. But - I wasn't thin. I've lost about 20 pounds since last year. And for the most part.. I've been pretty good about keeping it off. I'm a fluctuator though, by about 5 pounds. But anyways - like I was saying. I think my body image of myself hasn't improved. I look at those pictures and notice right away that I look good. But yet I still want to loose another 10 more pounds. It's always, another ten more pounds and another ten. For some reason, I just don't grasp what it is that everyone else sees. I don't grasp that I do look pretty, or that I am at a good weight.
I'm not really sure how to solve this issue.. or at least correct it. I know it will always be a work in progress, this back and forth battle with my body image it would just be nice to learn how to correct those thoughts...
just what is on my mind at the moment. I know I've been a horrible blogger but I promise once things settle down I'll blog more. There have been numerous times I've wanted to, just extremely busy lately.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Worry less - live more.
"Can any of you, by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was not clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the filed, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, 'What are we to eat?' or 'What are we to drink?' or 'What are we to wear?' All these things the pagens seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil" Matthew 6:27-34
I came across this tonight, and it really struck home. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Work has really been wearing me out lately. I love my job, but I really think I need some time off- unfortunately I don't know when that time is going to come. For those of who don't know, I don't have benefits at my job, which means I don't receive paid time off. So therefore I don't take time off because I have bills to pay and a wedding to get things for. The normal everyday Americans financial worries. I was really looking forward to our honeymoon because it'll be my first non holiday day off in almost two years. Unfortunately, we don't know when we are going to be able to take our honeymoon now. We have been waiting on the first time home buyers tax credit and it won't be until 2012 that we receive anything. That being said, our honeymoon is up in the air. Especially since we have to be back in time and I have to be caught up with work by the time Erik's sisters wedding comes around. I'm sure it will be just fine, but I do admit I am slightly bummed that I don't know when exactly I will get some time off.
Aside from work, nothing is really new. I am always stressed over the wedding planning and what have you. I'm hoping to start working on some DIY projects I want to do for the wedding. I need to find a few nifty looking picture frames. One specifically for the menu, I want to do a chalkboard menu. At least that's what the plan is now. I might just write the menu on burlap and frame that - we'll see. I need to start getting mason jars together that's for sure. I will get those this week, at least the one's for the centerpieces (I am guessing I am going to need approximately 8-10. I'm thinking we are only going to have between 60-70 guests and I'm not sure how many sit at a table - I think its ten to a table. I am really excited about decorating for the holidays and getting the house all pretty with fall things and soon Christmas stuff! I have been on pinterest lately and have found a few home DIY projects I want to do. There is a Christmas ornament wreathe I want to make. I took a few wine bottles we had here at the house and decorated them. I'm pretty impressed with how they came out to be honest. I love wine bottles, heck I just love wine.
I honestly had a wedding breakdown earlier this week. We have now, under 4 months until the wedding. And for some reason, I don't feel like it's ever enough time! But I really just need to remember, no one will realize the small things except me. Heck, as long as I'm in my dress and look beautiful, Erik is in his tux and we end up married. I won't care. Honestly. That's all people will really remember. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore by trying to make sure everyone likes my wedding (our wedding). It isn't about them, its about us. Who cares if someone thinks I did a horrible job planning it, I for sure won't. I just need to stop stressing out and becoming so anxious over it all.
I'm really working on doing better. Relaxing, and just living life. Worrying less. I'm trying to not stress out if the house isn't freakishly clean, and if my pants fight just slightly snugger on one day than the next. I realized I'm about 5 lbs away from my first goal weight. And that makes me really happy. As long as I can keep it up throughout the holidays - I think things will be okay. I just need to remember moderation is key. I've been doing a ballet video on Erik's late nights because I don't look very elegant doing the video - but I can tell it's really putting things into place. I've also been riding still which I like to think helps. I've learned not to deprive my sweet tooth, but also not to over indulge. I think the only thing really I need to improve - is my self confidence. I don't have any, at all. So any suggestions any one has would be wonderful.
Well.. I'm off to search the house for a wire hanger - I think I got ride of all of them, but now I need one for a DIY project. So fingers crossed. Tomorrow I think we are going to go to the air show - but I'm not for sure yet. I really have to go and find two cute outfits for our engagement pictures next weekend! So maybe shopping is in the plan. We'll see..
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
More jumbled thoughts
Lately, Erik and I fight over dumb things. It's pretty retarded for the most part - but it makes my mood absolutely horrible. I hate when he leaves things on our kitchen island - or any counter for the most part - partially because I'm borderline OCD about it but it drives me crazy. And I swear there is this little voice in his head telling him to do it because it pisses me off. So - after 6 months of arguing over it finally we get somewhere - we'll see just how long it lasts. We always tend to fight in the car - which is bad - I like to talk after we fight, Erik doesn't. So we go into church pissed off at each other, and about 10 minutes into the service, we're over it. I can't help but laugh about how we really can't stay mad at one another very long.
I've been working on cutting out caffeine. Soda isn't the issue - I don't drink it, except for the occasional Spirit but coffee is another story. I'm realizing tho - that it doesn't affect me like it used to. I tend to get headache's now when I drink it too much. It sucks, because I do love coffee. So I figure once a week is more than okay.
I've been doing a bit better on my bad days, I try to remind myself that no matter how I feel that day - I am pretty. I try not to guilt trip myself when I have a piece or two of Halloween candy, or a bowl of ice cream. I have a horrible sweet tooth, I always have. One thing I can't quite knock is the urge to take a diet pill or two. I know they're still hidden in the house, so whenever I see the scale moves in a way I didn't want it to - that tends to cross my mind. But I'm working on it - instead I try to remind myself that I need to take the dog on a long walk, or I need to make that workout dvd that I insisted on buying - a bit more resourceful. I try - but it doesn't mean I'm bulletproof. I used to be really awesome about getting into the gym and running, and working out in general. I haven't been so good at it since the move. I know the number on the scale is a lot better than it used to be, but I'm still about ten pounds away from my goal weight. I just want to feel and look pretty again - I know I'm pretty now, but I want to feel pretty. If that makes any sense at all.
I definitely would be lost if I hadn't found an awesome friend to go riding with. It's made such a difference to be back on and near horses again. I really feel a lot happier, having that aspect of my life back. Knowing that even on my bad days, I can go and escape the realities of the world - and just ride out in the middle of a forest is the most amazing thing ever. There is nothing like hugging a horse, and just feeling your worries melt away.
I've been working on cutting out caffeine. Soda isn't the issue - I don't drink it, except for the occasional Spirit but coffee is another story. I'm realizing tho - that it doesn't affect me like it used to. I tend to get headache's now when I drink it too much. It sucks, because I do love coffee. So I figure once a week is more than okay.
I've been doing a bit better on my bad days, I try to remind myself that no matter how I feel that day - I am pretty. I try not to guilt trip myself when I have a piece or two of Halloween candy, or a bowl of ice cream. I have a horrible sweet tooth, I always have. One thing I can't quite knock is the urge to take a diet pill or two. I know they're still hidden in the house, so whenever I see the scale moves in a way I didn't want it to - that tends to cross my mind. But I'm working on it - instead I try to remind myself that I need to take the dog on a long walk, or I need to make that workout dvd that I insisted on buying - a bit more resourceful. I try - but it doesn't mean I'm bulletproof. I used to be really awesome about getting into the gym and running, and working out in general. I haven't been so good at it since the move. I know the number on the scale is a lot better than it used to be, but I'm still about ten pounds away from my goal weight. I just want to feel and look pretty again - I know I'm pretty now, but I want to feel pretty. If that makes any sense at all.
I definitely would be lost if I hadn't found an awesome friend to go riding with. It's made such a difference to be back on and near horses again. I really feel a lot happier, having that aspect of my life back. Knowing that even on my bad days, I can go and escape the realities of the world - and just ride out in the middle of a forest is the most amazing thing ever. There is nothing like hugging a horse, and just feeling your worries melt away.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Struggling...
Truth be told I'm struggling lately. Not with the obvious (Florida or wedding things) but with much more than that. I've been really struggling with loosing weight lately, I've had more bad days than good days and I don't like it. Bad days are days where my mind is already on the next day and where I can't help but think about what I've eaten, what I want to eat, and what I shouldn't eat. I can't help but stare at my problem areas when I look or walk by a mirror. I worry about how the shirt I am wearing might make my stomach look. And I mostly worry about the number on the scale. It's something I've struggled with for almost 8 years, it gets easier but the bad days never do. Its almost an obsession at times, at least for me. Looking at images all day or some days of other girls with the perfect body, it becomes hard not to get caught up in the comparisons, in the 'what ifs'. I worry constantly how I look on my bad days. I worry about why I choose to eat breakfast or how I can speed up my metabolism, what exercises might help burn the most fat or tone all the right places. The hardest is getting past all the thoughts, all the mean thoughts that go on in my head or the thoughts that pop up every time I look in the mirror. Its hard to mute those thoughts. The thoughts that I'm referring to are the nasty comments I keep in my brain, that I don't have the guts to tell Erik what I really think, or those thoughts that just are burrowed down so deep - the emotional scars. The one's where I'm constantly thinking about 'how fat I am' or how 'jiggly my stomach looks' or how 'if I just take maybe a few diet pills, the 10 pounds might just come off quicker'. But I know a few diet pills turns into months of them, and I have gained the control to stop taking them completely. I just don't know how to get past these thoughts that come around on my bad days. I don't know how I got lucky enough to find someone who really loves me and adores me and really just tries to understand or make it better. I just don't think he really can understand the thought process my brain goes through at times.
Recently I found out that my thyroid medication lists anxiety as a side affect and after doing some research on how to naturally (within my diet and vitamin balance) ward that off - turns out coffee and caffeine help hinder anxiety. My latest obsession - coffee. So for me that means only drinking caffeine drinks twice a week. I haven't ever really been a heavy soda drinker - and I maybe have a Sprite once in a while but other than that I don't drink it. I do however have a love for Starbucks (especially their nonfat, peppermint white chocolate mocha's. yummm) So I guess with all things, comes limitations and finding a happy medium. I did find that green tea, which I love, is good for me and eases anxiety. I think I really will get on the ball on doing more 'lists' that way I can focus on what's at hand, rather than letting my mind wander to tomorrow.
On the upside, the weather here has been extremely nice lately. So nice in fact we've been able to keep the AC off aside from maybe 3 days or so. I love having our windows open, and fresh air blowing through the house. Not to mention I have a feeling we are going to love our electric bill that much more this month. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for some fall weather! I love the colder weather - not super cold where there is freezing temperatures, but like the high 50's, mid 60's temperatures. Just enough for jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a scarf - I loveeeeee scarves.
I'm really hoping for a better week, a better half of the month really. I can't handle another beginning of the month. So here's to having hope for more good days, and faith for happier days, and love for everyday.
Recently I found out that my thyroid medication lists anxiety as a side affect and after doing some research on how to naturally (within my diet and vitamin balance) ward that off - turns out coffee and caffeine help hinder anxiety. My latest obsession - coffee. So for me that means only drinking caffeine drinks twice a week. I haven't ever really been a heavy soda drinker - and I maybe have a Sprite once in a while but other than that I don't drink it. I do however have a love for Starbucks (especially their nonfat, peppermint white chocolate mocha's. yummm) So I guess with all things, comes limitations and finding a happy medium. I did find that green tea, which I love, is good for me and eases anxiety. I think I really will get on the ball on doing more 'lists' that way I can focus on what's at hand, rather than letting my mind wander to tomorrow.
On the upside, the weather here has been extremely nice lately. So nice in fact we've been able to keep the AC off aside from maybe 3 days or so. I love having our windows open, and fresh air blowing through the house. Not to mention I have a feeling we are going to love our electric bill that much more this month. I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for some fall weather! I love the colder weather - not super cold where there is freezing temperatures, but like the high 50's, mid 60's temperatures. Just enough for jeans, a long sleeve shirt and a scarf - I loveeeeee scarves.
I'm really hoping for a better week, a better half of the month really. I can't handle another beginning of the month. So here's to having hope for more good days, and faith for happier days, and love for everyday.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
A little of this.. a little of that
It's been a while since my last post, things have been pretty busy for the most part. Between riding, the dog, and keeping up with the house work on top of actually working I barely have time for myself, let alone Erik or wedding things.
We went and visited my family this past weekend since Erik had a four day weekend with work. It was a decent 9 and a half hour drive, easy for the most part, but long. It was so nice seeing my family, and my dog, and hearing jet noise. I did a lot of thinking while back home, whether or not I'd want to move back there or not. I missed the food - goodness the good Mexican food, fish taco's, frozen yogurt. I missed it all. I missed my family, my friends. I was able to see two friends while I was there, both who are my bridesmaids. I got my hair done and went bridesmaid dress shopping and had no luck whatsoever. But that's okay, there is the Internet and time to make other visits. It was really nice knowing where I was and how to get around town without a GPS.
I've kind of been slacking in the wedding aspect - I did book our baker for the cake, and I did find the invitations I want, we're just hacking out the price and exactly what we need them to say, I will hopefully be ordering them by the end of the week, permitting we have our ceremony time by then. Hopefully we do. I have a DJ meeting coming up on Thursday and hopefully we can get that taken care of - I'm kind of running out of time on that, and it really needs to be booked. Other than that things are pretty much falling into place to be quite honest. I ordered Erik's wedding band There are a few little things that I need to do such as finding a make-up artist. Finding a rehearsal dinner site and taking care of that. I do need to talk to another baker about a grooms cake. I really need to get my bridesmaid dresses ordered by next month for sure. We will hopefully be taking our engagement pictures next month as well. There are little things that I need to start accumulating such as mason jars and candles and other decor things. I also need to start thing about Out of Town bags for our guests. I'm trying my hardest not to let it stress me out, and so far I'm not doing a bad job of it. I've kind of just adopted the whole idea of things will work themselves out.
My pinterest addiction has fueled some projects that I've started on, and I'm excitingly completely doing the office. We are adding a chair rail into it and painting the walls below it a blue color- the first things we've painted in our home. I took our old kitchen table and turned it into my desk and painted it a bright turquoise. We are getting a filing cabinet since we are selling my old desk that one in it. And I believe I am going to wallpaper it so it looks pretty. I've got a bookshelf I need to paint so I can bring it in here and then I'll pretty much be done except for some wall art. I'm really loving being able to do things like this and making our house more than just a house. It's pretty exciting but boy does the cost add up.
We also started RCIA classes about a month ago now, if you don't know what RCIA classes are - they are classes that teach you and explain the Catholic faith to you. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and just didn't really seem fit to do without Erik around since he was deployed. But I really feel comfortable in our church and I am enjoying the classes a lot more than I thought I would to be honest. The classes go all the way up to April and on the day before Easter I will be baptized and confirmed and have my first communion. Most people were baptized as babies, and in almost all faith's, except for Unitarian, babies are baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Spirit - so the Catholic church accepts that - but I was never baptized so, I will be then. It's taught me a lot and I feel really at ease, and just 'right' with it.
I really have been working hard on getting over everything that happened with Erik's sisters. It's not that I'm holding a grudge or I am still mad, I'm actually not mad at all, anymore, it's more or less I'm just really hurt by it. I understand why his middle sister was upset, and why his other two sisters got upset and defended her. I truly do, they're sisters - I'm not, and I'm the one who upset her. I'm more or less hurt by the words that were said, and the actions that are occurring. I guess I had this thought that once Erik and I were engaged, or once we were married that they would all like me and I'd have sisters that I never had before. I know I tend to dwell on this, and I really am working to get past it. Like I said I'm not mad, it's more or less that I'm still hurt by it, but like Erik said I need to get past it.
Other than that, nothing really new has gone on lately. I've just been pretty busy and trying more or less to finish up some wedding lose ends and ride as much as I can without leaving puppy dog alone for too long. She gets spayed next week, so that'll be pretty interesting. Maybe it might calm her down some, but overall she really isn't too 'crazy' she's just a puppy and we love her little puppy dog attitude. She's gotten so big since we last got her - she weighs a whopping 62 pounds now, versus the 25 she barely weighed when she came home with us. She's definitely stolen our hearts that's for sure.
But back to work for me.. I've got a ton of things to get done - story of my life at the moment.
We went and visited my family this past weekend since Erik had a four day weekend with work. It was a decent 9 and a half hour drive, easy for the most part, but long. It was so nice seeing my family, and my dog, and hearing jet noise. I did a lot of thinking while back home, whether or not I'd want to move back there or not. I missed the food - goodness the good Mexican food, fish taco's, frozen yogurt. I missed it all. I missed my family, my friends. I was able to see two friends while I was there, both who are my bridesmaids. I got my hair done and went bridesmaid dress shopping and had no luck whatsoever. But that's okay, there is the Internet and time to make other visits. It was really nice knowing where I was and how to get around town without a GPS.
I've kind of been slacking in the wedding aspect - I did book our baker for the cake, and I did find the invitations I want, we're just hacking out the price and exactly what we need them to say, I will hopefully be ordering them by the end of the week, permitting we have our ceremony time by then. Hopefully we do. I have a DJ meeting coming up on Thursday and hopefully we can get that taken care of - I'm kind of running out of time on that, and it really needs to be booked. Other than that things are pretty much falling into place to be quite honest. I ordered Erik's wedding band There are a few little things that I need to do such as finding a make-up artist. Finding a rehearsal dinner site and taking care of that. I do need to talk to another baker about a grooms cake. I really need to get my bridesmaid dresses ordered by next month for sure. We will hopefully be taking our engagement pictures next month as well. There are little things that I need to start accumulating such as mason jars and candles and other decor things. I also need to start thing about Out of Town bags for our guests. I'm trying my hardest not to let it stress me out, and so far I'm not doing a bad job of it. I've kind of just adopted the whole idea of things will work themselves out.
My pinterest addiction has fueled some projects that I've started on, and I'm excitingly completely doing the office. We are adding a chair rail into it and painting the walls below it a blue color- the first things we've painted in our home. I took our old kitchen table and turned it into my desk and painted it a bright turquoise. We are getting a filing cabinet since we are selling my old desk that one in it. And I believe I am going to wallpaper it so it looks pretty. I've got a bookshelf I need to paint so I can bring it in here and then I'll pretty much be done except for some wall art. I'm really loving being able to do things like this and making our house more than just a house. It's pretty exciting but boy does the cost add up.
We also started RCIA classes about a month ago now, if you don't know what RCIA classes are - they are classes that teach you and explain the Catholic faith to you. It's something I've been wanting to do for a few years now, and just didn't really seem fit to do without Erik around since he was deployed. But I really feel comfortable in our church and I am enjoying the classes a lot more than I thought I would to be honest. The classes go all the way up to April and on the day before Easter I will be baptized and confirmed and have my first communion. Most people were baptized as babies, and in almost all faith's, except for Unitarian, babies are baptized in the name of the Father, Son and Spirit - so the Catholic church accepts that - but I was never baptized so, I will be then. It's taught me a lot and I feel really at ease, and just 'right' with it.
I really have been working hard on getting over everything that happened with Erik's sisters. It's not that I'm holding a grudge or I am still mad, I'm actually not mad at all, anymore, it's more or less I'm just really hurt by it. I understand why his middle sister was upset, and why his other two sisters got upset and defended her. I truly do, they're sisters - I'm not, and I'm the one who upset her. I'm more or less hurt by the words that were said, and the actions that are occurring. I guess I had this thought that once Erik and I were engaged, or once we were married that they would all like me and I'd have sisters that I never had before. I know I tend to dwell on this, and I really am working to get past it. Like I said I'm not mad, it's more or less that I'm still hurt by it, but like Erik said I need to get past it.
Other than that, nothing really new has gone on lately. I've just been pretty busy and trying more or less to finish up some wedding lose ends and ride as much as I can without leaving puppy dog alone for too long. She gets spayed next week, so that'll be pretty interesting. Maybe it might calm her down some, but overall she really isn't too 'crazy' she's just a puppy and we love her little puppy dog attitude. She's gotten so big since we last got her - she weighs a whopping 62 pounds now, versus the 25 she barely weighed when she came home with us. She's definitely stolen our hearts that's for sure.
But back to work for me.. I've got a ton of things to get done - story of my life at the moment.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
For what its worth, I'm still adjusting to my 'new' life here in Jacksonville. Some days are better than others, and some days are worse than others. I won't deny that the thought to run home doesn't cross my mind at least once a month but I can't say I absolutely hate it here either.. I'm just here.
I caved in the other day and posted an ad on craigslist offering barn work (mucking stalls and such) for riding time. I don't want extra money, I just want to ride. And well I'll be darn I didn't only get one response, I got three. The first one I went and saw on Thursday before the free Brad Paisley concert on base, and the guy is really nice. Ideally it's what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted. He offered to let me come out and work as often as I wanted and I could ride, whomever I wanted and help him train them to show. He's offered to trailer them out to cross country fields - the whole shebang, and offered to get me back into competing. How amazing of an opportunity is that, especially the fact that it just fell in my lap. The other person who contact me is a sweet lady who just wants someone to ride her horses, mainly trails, and work on a few little issues they have. I meet with her yesterday and went for a trail ride with her, she is such a sweet wonderful lady and lives like 10 minutes down the road at that! So.. I'm stuck. I really want to do both, but with a wedding in less than six months and working as much as I am, it just isn't ideal. I also don't know if I want to compete anymore.. it was what I lived for for so long and I don't know if I miss competing.. riding and jumping you bet your bottom dollar I do - but competing I just don't think fits anymore. But I'm so happy to be riding again, it really feels amazing to be back in the saddle. I also recently, as of last night actually had another lady needing someone to work her horses. I think she is another Navy wife, with a young baby who just doesn't have the time. So I am hoping to meet up with her either tonight or tomorrow afternoon and meet her and maybe I'll just work their two horses. Either way, I really don't foresee myself getting back into competing. It just isn't ideal, and it's a lot of money. I just want to ride and enjoy it.
After my mental breakdown the other night, last week actually, (all because of a stupid mop not wanting to work) I've been considering making a doctors appointment.. I really think I'm going through an anxiety issue with all of the changes and things that have been going on. I'm just not handling and processing things like I normally would and it really scares me. So that's been on my mind lately, going back and forth on it.. I know it would be for the best but I don't know if I'm just reading to far into things or what. I have my days like today - where I feel great, I'm happy and I feel normal again.. I just don't know.. it might be the stress of everything getting to me, but whatever it is, it needs to go away that's for sure. I've definitely noticed riding is helping that big time. I've been twice now and I definitely can't get enough of it.. the house is starting to show that. So time for a new routine and figuring out the best days to ride, and the best times to clean. I definitely need to work on getting my tail end out of bed earlier in the morning so I have more time to do things, and can work better hours.
But that's where I am right now.. working on having a more positive outlook and aspect on life, trying to make the house more like home, I definitely have some projects I would like to get done that's for sure. Now if I can just get the last of my wedding vendors booked... I'd be a happy camper.
I caved in the other day and posted an ad on craigslist offering barn work (mucking stalls and such) for riding time. I don't want extra money, I just want to ride. And well I'll be darn I didn't only get one response, I got three. The first one I went and saw on Thursday before the free Brad Paisley concert on base, and the guy is really nice. Ideally it's what I wanted - or what I thought I wanted. He offered to let me come out and work as often as I wanted and I could ride, whomever I wanted and help him train them to show. He's offered to trailer them out to cross country fields - the whole shebang, and offered to get me back into competing. How amazing of an opportunity is that, especially the fact that it just fell in my lap. The other person who contact me is a sweet lady who just wants someone to ride her horses, mainly trails, and work on a few little issues they have. I meet with her yesterday and went for a trail ride with her, she is such a sweet wonderful lady and lives like 10 minutes down the road at that! So.. I'm stuck. I really want to do both, but with a wedding in less than six months and working as much as I am, it just isn't ideal. I also don't know if I want to compete anymore.. it was what I lived for for so long and I don't know if I miss competing.. riding and jumping you bet your bottom dollar I do - but competing I just don't think fits anymore. But I'm so happy to be riding again, it really feels amazing to be back in the saddle. I also recently, as of last night actually had another lady needing someone to work her horses. I think she is another Navy wife, with a young baby who just doesn't have the time. So I am hoping to meet up with her either tonight or tomorrow afternoon and meet her and maybe I'll just work their two horses. Either way, I really don't foresee myself getting back into competing. It just isn't ideal, and it's a lot of money. I just want to ride and enjoy it.
After my mental breakdown the other night, last week actually, (all because of a stupid mop not wanting to work) I've been considering making a doctors appointment.. I really think I'm going through an anxiety issue with all of the changes and things that have been going on. I'm just not handling and processing things like I normally would and it really scares me. So that's been on my mind lately, going back and forth on it.. I know it would be for the best but I don't know if I'm just reading to far into things or what. I have my days like today - where I feel great, I'm happy and I feel normal again.. I just don't know.. it might be the stress of everything getting to me, but whatever it is, it needs to go away that's for sure. I've definitely noticed riding is helping that big time. I've been twice now and I definitely can't get enough of it.. the house is starting to show that. So time for a new routine and figuring out the best days to ride, and the best times to clean. I definitely need to work on getting my tail end out of bed earlier in the morning so I have more time to do things, and can work better hours.
But that's where I am right now.. working on having a more positive outlook and aspect on life, trying to make the house more like home, I definitely have some projects I would like to get done that's for sure. Now if I can just get the last of my wedding vendors booked... I'd be a happy camper.
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