My Life in Navy Blue: Update

Wow, has it been a while since I have had the time to sit down and think without having a million and one things to do, or four little hands wanting my attention. So, for those who are still around - here is an update and where I am at now. Fingers crossed - there will be more posts, more frequently. If not for anything else, for me to get things out in the open.

Motherhood is so much harder than I have ever imagined it would be. There is so much that not one person told me about, no one told me to expect these things or that things could happen.

Firstly, I never expected a NICU stay - nor did I ever expect to spend the first 4 months home, under lock down. Only to venture out with a gallon of hand sanitizer to church and to get something from Target when Erik couldn't. I was too afraid of getting the boys sick, too afraid of risking a readmittance stay in the PICU unit. No ma'am - not my boys. And thankfully we survived RSV season.
Secondly, if anyone had asked me how I intended to feed my kid, it was without a blink of an eye, breastfeeding. Heck - I hadn't even planned on buying bottles. I ripped my breastfeeding pillow open and threw away the plastic cover. These babies would feed from my boob. Boy was I wrong. Some things don't work out that way. I pumped, and pumped, and pumped. Any waking minute at the NICU was skin to skin time. I took fenugreek, the max dose of course, I took Reglan to get some milk. I drank that nasty Mothers Milk Tea, I drank Red Raspberry leaf tea, I drank water and more water. Power Pumps, pumping every 2 hours, warm compresses, crying videos, blankets. I did EVERYTHING. And - drum roll - produced maybe, MAYBE 8 oz a day. Fail. Epic FAIL. I cried. Daily. I felt terrible. I felt like I had failed as a mom, heck I couldn't even carry them to term. I had to ask someone if I could hold MY baby - and I couldn't even make milk. What kind of mother was I? Eventually the boys were discharged, and I continued pumping - with my hospital grade pump mind you - and I stopped, 2 weeks after Hayden was discharged. Caring for twins, and pumping, and doing it when Mr. H worked nights (paternity leave was donezo in November). It was too much. So - they are formula feed. I used to be so, so very ashamed when I had to feed them in the waiting room. I would give a person a novel if they had asked why I was formula feeding. I received death glares - who feeds formula in a baby friendly hospital, right? Eventually, I got over my defeat. I proudly will feed them formula, my babies won't live and thrive off of determination alone. It wasn't until I found a site called, Fearless Formula Feeder that I became 'Okay' with our choice, heck our only option.
Third - PPD. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. Never do you hear anyone tell you the realities of Post Partum Depression. And quite frankly - it's BULLSHIT. This stuff is real. It's hard. It's a complete bitch. I felt terrible. My babies were home, I was okay, and all I wanted to do was to RUN away as fast as I could. I didn't enjoy them. I cried, I cringed every time I heard a peep. And then I cried even more for feeling that way. I finally got help, and am doing so much better now. So much better. But it's still hard, and its still a battle. And I still have bad days. But I promise you this, if any one ever asks about motherhood/having babies - this will be something that needs to be discussed. Stop hiding it. Being honest and knowing you aren't alone is so helpful. Knowing it doesn't make you any less of a mother is what I needed to hear the most.

I also never imagined making such close friends as I have with other moms from my January 2013 Moms group. Those women have been such phenomenal friends and have been better than most (with the exception of one) of my real friends.
We were blessed beyond belief to have a church friend send another church friend who was in the process of becoming a Post-Partum Doula our way. Kathy was our angel, our life line, my sanity. There is no amount of words that could describe how she helped me and us. I wouldn't be half of the mother I am today, without her help. She taught us how to feed them both in the boppies - which my friends turned an hour and a half feeding session to a whole new 45 minutes. She taught me the beauty in multi-tasking, the glory in a routine and most importantly to listen to my gut. Only the Mr and I knew what was best for the boys. While everyone else might have good intentions, we are their parents and we know what is ultimately best. She gave me confidence.

So, what type of mom have I become you ask? Ehh.. some days I don't even know. Some days I am wishing for bed time so I can engulf my self in wine, other days I am not wanting our fun to end. H&L have made me so very happy. They have filled my heart with every emotion imaginable. I can't imagine life without them. Nor could I imagine having one and not the other. Sure - some days are crazy but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I never posted pictures before but here are some now of the boys: