Excitement!

Finally, I can be flipping excited about the fact that I'm getting married. While I am so overly frustrated with the base chapel, and they're lack of organization, we got the okay for the date that we want to be married on with his family. And his mom told me to stop worrying about everything. So I am really, really happy. Hopefully we can meet with the priest on Thursday, and he agrees to marry us. But I'm not holding my breathe. I think we are going to do some 'shopping' around for other churches here, I'm not sure yet how I like the parish for the church on base. The priest does a really great job of actually explaining everything to us during mass but it just doesn't feel, comfortable, there so to say. I know, it's pretty hard to understand and explain. But I tried.

I've also decided on one of my colors for the wedding, it will be some shade of purple either a deep shade, or a light shade. I want to base the rest on what the reception venue looks like. I think I want to incorporate some pink but we'll see... Who knows, it could change a week from now - knowing me.

Either way, I'm pretty freaking happy, and very excited! I'm just going to focus on us, and make sure we have the wedding that will make us happy.

On another note, I'm only about 10 pounds away from the wedding day weight I want to be. I'm finally pretty happy with how I look, but I think 10 pounds will be good for me to loose. I've lost plenty of weight since moving down here, and I have faith that I can lose the remaining amount that I want to. By the time I loose what I want, I will actually weigh what I did when I graduated high school. It's actually a healthy weight for me, and I know I won't allow myself to go down the path of self loathing.

But anyways, I'm just really excited now. I can finally look at wedding things without getting sour and I am excited to find a photographer and start booking other things as well. My mom is actually bringing my Jeep down (Thank gooodnesssss!!!!) and will be here to go to a bridal expo with Erik and I on the Sunday she will be here. We are also planning on going and looking at wedding dresses. I really hoped that I would have friends who would be my bridesmaids to go with me, but right now I still don't see that happening. I was also hoping that Erik's mom would be able to go with me as well, but I don't want to have to ask her to take time off. Either way I'm sure it will turn out okay. At least I hope it will.

But I am going to go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather we are having for a change and take our crazy puppy dog on a long walk in my new Easy Tones (lets hope they work!). Here's to a good week!

One day..

Tomorrow we meet with the priest and I am really hoping that we can walk away from our meeting with some guidance, as well as permission to be married. I've tried very hard, today to not think about anything regarding the wedding since it just seems to put me in a sour mood lately. I've done a pretty good job for the most part.

I just hope, that my relationship with Erik's family can and will be a good one. I want to be able to not have gut wrenching knots, and stomach flip flops everytime I bring up that he needs to call home. I feel like since everything that has happened, that I won't get that. I want to be able to think that I have gained three sisters, and not three girls who hate me, I want to be able to be close with Erik's mom - to be able to call her when he is deployed and talk, to be able to have a second mom, another opinion. Whether or not that is going to happen.. god only knows. I just want them to have Erik's happiness as much of a priority to them as it is to me. I want them to put our happiness as a priority, to think of us, to take a step back and realize that our time together is always limited.

I just want a great relationship with my 'in laws'. And honestly, I'm really scared that won't happen. Not for my sake, but for Erik's.

All I know, is I am drained, and emotionally exhausted. I just want everything to be good again. I want everyone to be happy with us and for us.

VA vs FL vs KY

For those of who, who are still reading this. Bear with me please. I know it's been complaint after complaint. But, I need somewhere to vent this out to, because I know Erik is getting sick of hearing it and I can't just keep this bottled up or I will literally explode.

Part of me wants to have the wedding here, in Florida. It's where we bought our first home, it's our first duty station that we've moved to together. There is a lot of firsts here, and firsts to come. Part of me wants to comprimise even more and have the wedding in Kentucky that way things are easier for Erik's family. People won't have to take as much time off, at least on his side. And they would probably be happier. Part of me also wants to have the wedding in Virginia, where I was raised, where my friends are (at least the friends I have left), and where I know the in's and out's of the place.

I'm pretty much at a lost as to what to do anymore. I want everyone to be happy, but I can't loose my happiness in the process of it all. I want to be able to be excited, to be able to go and do all the girly things that you're entitled to do when you get married. But how can I be excited about doing that alone?

I don't know anymore, I feel so lost when it comes to all this, and outside of Erik so very alone. I feel attacked when people suggest things, I feel attacked when I'm asked why this and why that. Not sure why, but I do. I feel like I can't make one solid decision without having to weigh everyone elses feelings. I feel like I am getting ready to drown in the ocean, like I can't keep my head above water.

I'm really just at a lost as to what to do. Part of me wants to fight with every ounce of my being for what I want, and I just don't give a damn anymore what anyone else thinks or if anyone even comes to our wedding for that matter. And then the other part of me just wants everyone to be happy, to make everyone happy. And then, I just want to scream. I feel like everything is being dictated to me about what I can't do. You can't use these colors, you can't get married in this month, you can't have bridesmaids - beacuse no one wants to be one - you can't do x, y, and z. Oh.... my lanta. How am I supposed to enjoy this, when I am wallowing, and throwing a pity party and just want to scream.

I know I need to wake up, to smell the flipping roses, to get over myself, and to let it all go. But I can't... or I don't know how. I just don't know how to get past the hurt, thats been caused in the past two weeks.

Two steps forward, 5 Steps backward.

Well this morning we have our meeting with the priest, at the church on base. Honestly, I have a stupid fear of actually holding a conversation with a priest, because I don't want to say anything wrong. But this morning, I am really looking forward to it. I am hoping he will give us the answers we want, as well as some great direction and guidance. Edit: Unfortunately, the priest was not feeling well this morning and had to go into the emergency room, we should be hearing back on when we can meet with him tonight or tomorrow.
I have actually found a couple different venues in Jacksonville that look like they will fit into our budget. I'm pretty excited about that, because for a little while it wasn't looking so great. I even found this church downtown that is absolutely breathtaking. It's an older church, and looks small on the inside (which is what we would ideally like). But it's gorgeous. I even found a photographer, whose pictures I absolutely adored online. He's a little out of my price range, but we'll see how it goes.

On another note, there are quite a few options when it comes to location of our wedding, and location kind of chooses the time frame. If we were to do it in Florida, it would either be November or end of February or beginning of March, if we choose Virginia Beach - it would be September (too soon) or May (too close to his sisters) and if we choose Kentucky - it would be June. At least the way I am thinking. Heck - we have even tossed around the idea of having a destination wedding. I just want everyone happy, I want people to look forward to coming to our wedding and sharing our special day with us. I want people there to share that day with, friends and family alike. Whether or not that happens, is out of my control. No matter the day, the time, or any of the thousands of options that need to be chosen and decided on, there will be someone who isn't happy. I need to come to terms with that, and focus on Erik and I. Sadly, I don't think I will be having a bridal party - because unfortunately, although I am willing to buy the dresses, travel is expensive. And honestly, I don't have many friends. I can't expect the ones I do have to pay the travel costs to come be in my wedding, nor can I expect them to drop everything. As much as I realize this, and understand this, it kind of makes me feel more lonely, and sad. That there won't be anyone, standing with me on my special day. I won't be able to have a bridal shower, nor a bachlorette party. And although they aren't required, I want that. I want to look at lingerie and talk about marriage with other girls, and have silly games, or whatever it is that happens at a Bridal Shower. I want to go out and get tipsy topsy and have fun. I want to enjoy being a bride to be.

When did things become so complicated? When did it become too much to ask for others to be happy for me and for us? When did it become too hard for friendships to last, and for people to make sure they remained there for the other person, through thick and thin. Why can't I pick out things, and makes choices on our wedding without having to worry about the other choices someone else has made. I don't have the answers, nor will I ever. Whoever said this is the happiest time in your life, lied, because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I feel like I take two steps forward, and start to get a little bit of excitement back, and then I take five steps backwards and can't stop crying.

Overwhelmed

Things have been crazy this past week. Honestly, crazy. It's hard to believe it's only been a week since Erik has asked me to marry him. Anyone else would probably still be on cloud 9. It's not that I'm not excited about marrying Erik, or that I'm not madly in love with him. Because I am, honestly and truly. It's just that I feel as if my excitement has been stolen, or rather held against me. I feel as if I'm not allowed to be excited.

Erik's sister got engaged in April, and we were extremely happy for her, and still are. She deserves to have a perfect wedding, every girl does. Erik proposed to me on July 4th, and I was really, head over heels excited until I received a phone call, and it didn't seem like she was all that happy about it. So then I became worried, that I in some form or another took something away from her. So come Wednesday, I sent her an email letting her know I didn't want to step on her toes, or in anyway take anything away from her wedding planning experience or anything in general, and I wanted to let her know that her's and her fiancee's wedding was really important to us. I also wanted her to tell me if anything we did upset her so we could change it, or do our best to accommodate, because everyone being happy is really important to me and I want to have a great relationship with Erik's family. Well it backfired when we were asked what days we were thinking about getting married and I threw out a few different months that we had talked about. I always wanted a spring wedding with bright colors and warmth. Well, we really want to be respectful to her wedding. So.. I received a phone call from his other sister, that I am really truly happy I did, because I did upset his sister.
Well, honestly some of the things said upset me. I've been in tears every single day, since. So, Erik and I wanted to compromise so everyone could be happy, and so his parents could be at our wedding. Well.. even our compromise doesn't seem to make anyone happy and I am just at lost as to what to do or say. I honestly, at this point, really truly think they all hate me, or just don't care.

Erik didn't want a long engagement, nor did I. Erik becomes deployable, in just under two and a half years. We want to do and accomplish things in our first year of marriage, and then try to have kids and it is important that he is here when we do have our children, especially our first one. So, as of right now, things would ideally work out for the best. However, if we were to wait for the time when everyone wants us to be married, than he would have a year left. Wouldn't work for us. When it comes to the military you have to plan everythinggggggg. So, why are we asked to hold off/postpone/ or hurry our wedding up?

I'm just overwhelmed about everything that needs to be done if we are going to get married when we are thinking. I feel like I can't share anything with anyone. I want my mom here, she is supposed to be the one helping me, going to bridal expo's with me, going to visit venue's with Erik and I, going to see the churches with us. But she is 750 miles away. I have to figure out where to go wedding dress shopping at, there or here. I'm homesick. I want my mom. And now, even the two people I asked to be in my bridal party, probably won't be. I understand it is a lot to ask, a LOT, to ask. I do. We are so far away from my friends and family, and travel is expensive. But really.. I feel so alone. Erik is the sweetest most caring person, and has volunteered to go to the bridal expo's with me. But he shouldn't have to. My friends should be, my bridal party, my mom. But I don't get that. I won't get the bacholorette party, the bridal shower, heck we have to throw our own engagement party which consists of a cookout of Erik's friends and work buddies. No family, no friends of mine.

I'm really not wanting a pity party, but honestly sometimes this military life SUCKS. Yes, I know what I am marrying into, yes I know there are months where he won't be home - we've been there already- yes there will be times where things SUCK the big one, but I love him, and being with him is worth all of that. But, it still doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make feeling so alone, any easier. Nothing does. I just want to be able to enjoy this time, because I'll never get it back. But instead, I feel like I have to ask permission to be happy, I feel like his family hates me that they think I am trying to take something away from his sister. But I'm not, on that same breathe, what about Erik's happiness, what about what he wants? Why should we have to loose and compromise everything he and I want for our wedding to make everyone else happy? Why should we have to adjust our life plans to meet everyone elses needs? Why? Why do we have to realize that travel is so far out of the question for family and friends that we realize, hardly any one will be there or wants to make the effort to be there for our special day.


Day 7... and I'm crying again.

Isn't this supposed to be a happy time?!

So the past few days have been, eventful to say the least. Monday we drove home to Florida, and made it back in at about two in the morning on Tuesday. We are night time drivers, which I like, no traffic in most cases and I love seeing the cities all lit up.

Well the events started Tuesday morning. And I'm really not wanting to get into the details to be honest. Maybe once I am not so upset about everything, once I am over it, things are fixed and I am calmed down. It mainly has to deal with the wedding date, that isn't set in stone yet. Erik's sister is getting married and we are really trying to be respectful of her date, because her wedding is important to us as is her happiness. But our wedding is important to us, and our wants and happiness is as well. It's a lot about compromise, but not forgoing and giving up everything that we want.

Most, everyday ordinary couples don't have to think about what is in store for them in the future. Thinking in a time frame of two years down the road doesn't occur and having a long engagement, longer than a year, is normal. Whelp, you guessed it in the military world, you constantly have to think about the future, and a long engagement (or even courtship) is out of the question. As of today, Erik has just under two and half years before deploying again. Erik and I are the type of couple who like to have a plan for our future. When it comes to moving from a family of two, to a family of three. We'd ideally like to wait a year. It's important to me for Erik to be here for the pregnancy, the birth, and the first year of our child's life. I'm sure it is important to every woman, and man. So if we were to get married when certain people want us to, he would only have a year left on shore duty. If we get married when we are wanting to, we'd have just under two years of shore duty left. Which is a little more doable, and is more time to enjoy being married before worrying about a deployment. We've already spent so much time apart as it is, we deserve to be married when we want to.

It also is upsetting for me that this situation is putting us in a tough spot. While trying to be respectful of others, and compromising for others, we don't want to lose our wants and needs in the process. It's also upsetting that Erik's happiness isn't more important for other's, his happiness is my biggest priority. He means the world to me, and I can't stand to have him unhappy.

Anyways, I'm getting a little too emotional and upset about that subject. I really need to get back to work. Wedding planning is going to be taking a huge toll on me, I think. It's going to be hard to plan everything alone for the most part. All my family is in Virginia, as well as my friends. I haven't made many here. So it's going to be hard to plan everything when I'm completely alone. It's also going to be hard to pick a bridal party, when so many friends have disappeared in the past year and a half. But I'll live, and move on. I just want this to be fun, and enjoyable, and a great time in our life. I don't care if someone takes that away from me, but I won't allow that to be taken from Erik. You can hold your breathe on that.

The Proposal!!

So, late very late on July 3rd, early morning of July 4th something very, very special happened. After everyone had left, and Erik's parents were in bed. Erik and I were just relaxing on the couch. I was super exhausted and wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep, but Erik was very persistent on relaxing on the couch for a while, so we did. He ended up giving me a foot rub.
But.. it wasn't any ordinary foot rub. As I am trying my hardest to not drift off into wonderland, and as Erik is rubbing my feet, something happens to slip onto my toe. Yes, my toe. So I look down to see what it is and all I see is the biggest smile on Erik's face, and a very beautiful shiny ring on my toe. I, actually thought it wasn't real, and that I was dreaming. So I grab it and just stare at it, wide awake and sitting straight up. And the questions begin, "Erik,... what is this?" No answer.. "Erik, what is this!" No answer.. "Erik, what is this?!?" Finally an answer - "What do you think it is" And I just stared at him (yes, I was in shock!) "Erik, I'm not kidding, what is this!" and all he can say is "Will you" and my response "Will I what?" and then finally.. after about what felt like an hour, which was really like about two minutes, he asks me to marry him. In which I of course said "Yes!". Maybe 15 minutes later, Erik's dad walks into the living room and asks us whats going on. I am wayyyyyyyyy too excited to do anything but giggle. And which made him question what's going on more, and I giggled more and he just gave up and went to bed. His mom came out and hugged us and went to bed. It was nice, though, not having anyone know whats going on. Just having the whole world moving around us, and it just be us. I know, it sounds weird, but I love it. I love having no one, at this very moment know. I'm sure my Dad knows it is going to happen, but no one officially knows right now. And I love it.

Surprisingly, I didn't really cry. I think I was in too much shock to cry, too excited, too happy. I did shed a few tears. Apparently, Erik in the craziness of all his family being there, managed to call my daddy and ask for permission - which means the world to me. A little while later we went to bed and just cuddled, and then the tears came. And this morning the tears came when I realized I wasn't dreaming.

Honestly, I didn't see it coming. I knew something was up, I did. Erik has been acting funny for about two weeks now. Apologizing for everything and anything that I got upset over, being very lovey, acting in a way he hadn't acted in a while. So, I knew something was going on. You always kind of dream, well maybe he will. But I had told myself over and over that I had a better chance of being struck by lighting than Erik purposing. It wasn't the picture perfect movie scene, it wasn't the whole extravagant ordeal, but it was us. It was perfect for us and I love that.

So I just wanted to share the amazing news with everyone, that Erik and I are engaged!! I am so excited, and so very happy. Words can't even describe how I feel.

Edit: So I wrote this yesterday morning, before we had told anyone while I was waiting for Erik to wake up. I had already gotten up to take the dog out and had taken a shower, but I was not about to go out into the family room alone with this beautiful ring on my finger. So after he woke up, we went out and just relaxed until his dad came in and asked where his mom was. His Aunt and Uncle were getting ready to leave his grandparents house. I got all giggly again when Erik said, "Hey Mom, Anne has something to show you." Neither of us said a word and just showed her the ring, it took a second but she gave me the biggest hug and started to cry. -That meant the world to me, knowing that they were really happy for us. And we told her how it happened and his dad and everything. His mom sent the text to his sisters, and apparently on Sunday two of his sisters asked Erik when he was planning on proposing, they didn't have a clue it'd be super late that night, early morning of our third anniversary. I found that pretty funny. We walked over and told his grandparents and they seemed really happy as well.

So here are two pictures, the only ones I have right now. I'll try to get Erik to take a picture with me later on today :) I'm just too excited and happy for words right now.