I failed at figuring out how to do big curls this past weekend, failed so horribly I didn't even get the curlers or touch my curling iron. Instead, Friday we went grocery shopping and Saturday we went to look at the Yacht Club on base and had no luck - it looked super yucky on the inside. We ended up having a lazier day and went and got hot wings later, I found an awesome pair of cowboy boots and got them, and then went to the Officers Club later on that night. I was shocked by the inside to be quite honest. I mean the outside screams military building and bomb shelter. But the inside is actually really pretty, and the view is gorgeous. Sunday was an early day, we went to a Latin mass at a small church we've been considering being married in. Then we went and did a bit of shopping and swung back into the Winterbourne for another meeting. Came to the conclusion after many, many answered questions that we love it and it's perfect for us. So we decided on our venue and I dropped off the deposit and signed contract today - so officially it's ours!
Today I also meet with another photographer who I love!! I'm so so excited to have them shoot the wedding. Hopefully as long as they are still open for my weekend I will be dropping off another signed contract and deposit here soon! So major progress on the wedding front. Almost done finding vendors, just need a DJ, a cake, and a hair and a make up artist now. I think.
Now.. on the emotional front. I'm struggling with missing home. Yesterday evening I was missing home a little bit. I wake up and then tonight I'm missing home a TON! I literally was crying while walking the dog. Erik went out with friends tonight, which I really don't care about. I chose to stay in because I'm not exactly feeling well thanks to Aunt Flo. But, it just really hit me tonight how much I miss home. How I feel alone here. I've meet a few girls, sure. I've shared a few laughs, but really overall, I haven't made friends yet. It's that loneliness that diggs at me. Not having a friend to sit on the couch and watch a movie with. Someone to turn to when Erik is annoying me, or when I want my mom. I'm just trying to learn how to handle this and cope with this the best I can.
Showing posts with label homesick. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homesick. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Poor poor pitful me
So I'm feeling a little homesick. I've been really looking forward to having a weekend of just it being Erik and I here at the house. It's a duty weekend, meaning Erik has to work today, Saturday, and I'm at home with the dog. This never bothers me, not ever. I don't mind alone time, time to watch drama tv, time to myself, time to think. But as I'm sitting here watching 'Say yes to the Dress' on TLC, and looking around on theknot.com I can't help but feel completely alone, and I can't help but want a pity party.
I know, I get it, this is the military life welcome to it in full swing. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit! I HATE when people tell me that, no freaking shit people. I'm not new to it by any means, I've dealt with Erik being away for a total of 18 months, suck it. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make me not miss my family, it doesn't make me not wish that there were some sort of family near by to do wedding stuff with. I haven't really made any friends here, not yet at least. No one that I can call crying, needing a girls night filled with ice cream and girly movies. I get it, poor poor pitful me. Whatever. If I want to be upset that I don't have many friends thanks to the military life, than damn it I will be. I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel.
Maybe I whine too much, or maybe I'm too hot and cold. I don't always give those of you who actually read this, a real view of my actual life, I really just use this as an outlet, to get thoughts, emotions, feelings out without hurting anyone in the process. Believe it or not, I really just want to and try to keep and make everyone happy. Rarely do I put my needs first. But when I do, I get reemed for it.
I just want to be able to go out at the drop of a dime and do wedding things, or girl things. Where I don't have to plan 3 weeks - 2 months out. I want to be able to enjoy this. Lately, I have been. I'm pretty excited about it all, but in the same breathe. Watching these girls on TV trying on dresses, or reading stuff on theknot.com just makes me jealous. I want that. I don't have many friends anymore because between deployments and moving, it's hard to keep friends. I'd love to have a bigger bridal party, but I don't have the friends for it.
I think I'm in need of some retail therapy. I haven't gone shopping for a bit and I think right about now is a good time to use the "I don't have any fiancee clothes" card. Or the "I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I think your family hates me" card. Both are pretty true.
I know, I get it, this is the military life welcome to it in full swing. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit! I HATE when people tell me that, no freaking shit people. I'm not new to it by any means, I've dealt with Erik being away for a total of 18 months, suck it. It doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make me not miss my family, it doesn't make me not wish that there were some sort of family near by to do wedding stuff with. I haven't really made any friends here, not yet at least. No one that I can call crying, needing a girls night filled with ice cream and girly movies. I get it, poor poor pitful me. Whatever. If I want to be upset that I don't have many friends thanks to the military life, than damn it I will be. I'm entitled to feel how I want to feel.
Maybe I whine too much, or maybe I'm too hot and cold. I don't always give those of you who actually read this, a real view of my actual life, I really just use this as an outlet, to get thoughts, emotions, feelings out without hurting anyone in the process. Believe it or not, I really just want to and try to keep and make everyone happy. Rarely do I put my needs first. But when I do, I get reemed for it.
I just want to be able to go out at the drop of a dime and do wedding things, or girl things. Where I don't have to plan 3 weeks - 2 months out. I want to be able to enjoy this. Lately, I have been. I'm pretty excited about it all, but in the same breathe. Watching these girls on TV trying on dresses, or reading stuff on theknot.com just makes me jealous. I want that. I don't have many friends anymore because between deployments and moving, it's hard to keep friends. I'd love to have a bigger bridal party, but I don't have the friends for it.
I think I'm in need of some retail therapy. I haven't gone shopping for a bit and I think right about now is a good time to use the "I don't have any fiancee clothes" card. Or the "I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I think your family hates me" card. Both are pretty true.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Overwhelmed
Things have been crazy this past week. Honestly, crazy. It's hard to believe it's only been a week since Erik has asked me to marry him. Anyone else would probably still be on cloud 9. It's not that I'm not excited about marrying Erik, or that I'm not madly in love with him. Because I am, honestly and truly. It's just that I feel as if my excitement has been stolen, or rather held against me. I feel as if I'm not allowed to be excited.
Erik's sister got engaged in April, and we were extremely happy for her, and still are. She deserves to have a perfect wedding, every girl does. Erik proposed to me on July 4th, and I was really, head over heels excited until I received a phone call, and it didn't seem like she was all that happy about it. So then I became worried, that I in some form or another took something away from her. So come Wednesday, I sent her an email letting her know I didn't want to step on her toes, or in anyway take anything away from her wedding planning experience or anything in general, and I wanted to let her know that her's and her fiancee's wedding was really important to us. I also wanted her to tell me if anything we did upset her so we could change it, or do our best to accommodate, because everyone being happy is really important to me and I want to have a great relationship with Erik's family. Well it backfired when we were asked what days we were thinking about getting married and I threw out a few different months that we had talked about. I always wanted a spring wedding with bright colors and warmth. Well, we really want to be respectful to her wedding. So.. I received a phone call from his other sister, that I am really truly happy I did, because I did upset his sister.
Well, honestly some of the things said upset me. I've been in tears every single day, since. So, Erik and I wanted to compromise so everyone could be happy, and so his parents could be at our wedding. Well.. even our compromise doesn't seem to make anyone happy and I am just at lost as to what to do or say. I honestly, at this point, really truly think they all hate me, or just don't care.
Erik didn't want a long engagement, nor did I. Erik becomes deployable, in just under two and a half years. We want to do and accomplish things in our first year of marriage, and then try to have kids and it is important that he is here when we do have our children, especially our first one. So, as of right now, things would ideally work out for the best. However, if we were to wait for the time when everyone wants us to be married, than he would have a year left. Wouldn't work for us. When it comes to the military you have to plan everythinggggggg. So, why are we asked to hold off/postpone/ or hurry our wedding up?
I'm just overwhelmed about everything that needs to be done if we are going to get married when we are thinking. I feel like I can't share anything with anyone. I want my mom here, she is supposed to be the one helping me, going to bridal expo's with me, going to visit venue's with Erik and I, going to see the churches with us. But she is 750 miles away. I have to figure out where to go wedding dress shopping at, there or here. I'm homesick. I want my mom. And now, even the two people I asked to be in my bridal party, probably won't be. I understand it is a lot to ask, a LOT, to ask. I do. We are so far away from my friends and family, and travel is expensive. But really.. I feel so alone. Erik is the sweetest most caring person, and has volunteered to go to the bridal expo's with me. But he shouldn't have to. My friends should be, my bridal party, my mom. But I don't get that. I won't get the bacholorette party, the bridal shower, heck we have to throw our own engagement party which consists of a cookout of Erik's friends and work buddies. No family, no friends of mine.
I'm really not wanting a pity party, but honestly sometimes this military life SUCKS. Yes, I know what I am marrying into, yes I know there are months where he won't be home - we've been there already- yes there will be times where things SUCK the big one, but I love him, and being with him is worth all of that. But, it still doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make feeling so alone, any easier. Nothing does. I just want to be able to enjoy this time, because I'll never get it back. But instead, I feel like I have to ask permission to be happy, I feel like his family hates me that they think I am trying to take something away from his sister. But I'm not, on that same breathe, what about Erik's happiness, what about what he wants? Why should we have to loose and compromise everything he and I want for our wedding to make everyone else happy? Why should we have to adjust our life plans to meet everyone elses needs? Why? Why do we have to realize that travel is so far out of the question for family and friends that we realize, hardly any one will be there or wants to make the effort to be there for our special day.
Day 7... and I'm crying again.
Erik's sister got engaged in April, and we were extremely happy for her, and still are. She deserves to have a perfect wedding, every girl does. Erik proposed to me on July 4th, and I was really, head over heels excited until I received a phone call, and it didn't seem like she was all that happy about it. So then I became worried, that I in some form or another took something away from her. So come Wednesday, I sent her an email letting her know I didn't want to step on her toes, or in anyway take anything away from her wedding planning experience or anything in general, and I wanted to let her know that her's and her fiancee's wedding was really important to us. I also wanted her to tell me if anything we did upset her so we could change it, or do our best to accommodate, because everyone being happy is really important to me and I want to have a great relationship with Erik's family. Well it backfired when we were asked what days we were thinking about getting married and I threw out a few different months that we had talked about. I always wanted a spring wedding with bright colors and warmth. Well, we really want to be respectful to her wedding. So.. I received a phone call from his other sister, that I am really truly happy I did, because I did upset his sister.
Well, honestly some of the things said upset me. I've been in tears every single day, since. So, Erik and I wanted to compromise so everyone could be happy, and so his parents could be at our wedding. Well.. even our compromise doesn't seem to make anyone happy and I am just at lost as to what to do or say. I honestly, at this point, really truly think they all hate me, or just don't care.
Erik didn't want a long engagement, nor did I. Erik becomes deployable, in just under two and a half years. We want to do and accomplish things in our first year of marriage, and then try to have kids and it is important that he is here when we do have our children, especially our first one. So, as of right now, things would ideally work out for the best. However, if we were to wait for the time when everyone wants us to be married, than he would have a year left. Wouldn't work for us. When it comes to the military you have to plan everythinggggggg. So, why are we asked to hold off/postpone/ or hurry our wedding up?
I'm just overwhelmed about everything that needs to be done if we are going to get married when we are thinking. I feel like I can't share anything with anyone. I want my mom here, she is supposed to be the one helping me, going to bridal expo's with me, going to visit venue's with Erik and I, going to see the churches with us. But she is 750 miles away. I have to figure out where to go wedding dress shopping at, there or here. I'm homesick. I want my mom. And now, even the two people I asked to be in my bridal party, probably won't be. I understand it is a lot to ask, a LOT, to ask. I do. We are so far away from my friends and family, and travel is expensive. But really.. I feel so alone. Erik is the sweetest most caring person, and has volunteered to go to the bridal expo's with me. But he shouldn't have to. My friends should be, my bridal party, my mom. But I don't get that. I won't get the bacholorette party, the bridal shower, heck we have to throw our own engagement party which consists of a cookout of Erik's friends and work buddies. No family, no friends of mine.
I'm really not wanting a pity party, but honestly sometimes this military life SUCKS. Yes, I know what I am marrying into, yes I know there are months where he won't be home - we've been there already- yes there will be times where things SUCK the big one, but I love him, and being with him is worth all of that. But, it still doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make feeling so alone, any easier. Nothing does. I just want to be able to enjoy this time, because I'll never get it back. But instead, I feel like I have to ask permission to be happy, I feel like his family hates me that they think I am trying to take something away from his sister. But I'm not, on that same breathe, what about Erik's happiness, what about what he wants? Why should we have to loose and compromise everything he and I want for our wedding to make everyone else happy? Why should we have to adjust our life plans to meet everyone elses needs? Why? Why do we have to realize that travel is so far out of the question for family and friends that we realize, hardly any one will be there or wants to make the effort to be there for our special day.
Day 7... and I'm crying again.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Homesickness Strikes
Wow, it's been almost a month of living in Jacksonville. I thought I was doing great, I wasn't really missing home and I've been enjoying this adventure we are on. But holy hell did it hit me out of the blue. I guess I haven't really been letting myself feel much of anything the past few days, I've had a bit of an attitude because this house hunting thing is frustrating. We didn't get the house that we were hoping to, and now its crunch time and I am a bit freaked.
Woke up this morning, and it hit me. I miss my home. I miss knowing where I am at, having my mommy there when everything goes wrong. I miss my friends, I miss my freaking doctor! I miss everything. I don't know how to get past this. I know I don't have the money to go home every chance I can. I'm trying so hard to put on this strong face, to just get through it. Make the best of every situation, enjoy my new surroundings. Trying to just be the military spouse and keep on truckin'. But honestly, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I just miss home.
Top that off, this house hunting thing has been rough on us. Every house we find that we love something goes wrong, the first one we weren't ready to spend that much money on it, and it would of been a huge gamble. The second one they didn't accept our offer, but accepted someone elses. Now every house we find online we like our realtor tells us its a short sale. I get frustrated because I feel like I am doing her job, and I don't feel like she is working hard enough for us - but part of me knows that it's because I'm so frustrated and freaked out. We have to be under contract on a house in 21 days in order to qualify for the tax credit, not to mention we already gave our apartment complex our 60 day notice and have to be closed on something by May 25th - because you don't get the keys when you close, you get them 3 days later and we have to be moved out by May 31st. Just really stressful right now, and I'm just not excited about it any more. I just want this done and over with.
I also worry sometimes. I am a pretty open book person, and I express myself freely and openly. I'm honest and pretty blunt sometimes. I question a lot of things, just sort of my nature. But I worry that because I am so open, even at my weakest moments, that people might take me for being weak and vulnerable. I'm not. I have my moments where I am, I have my moments where I just cry and I am emotional. But I am pretty kickass about being strong. And most of the time I am. I stand up for myself. I just don't want people to get the wrong impression of me, I'm not this scared little girl who cries all the time. I'm determined, strong willed, and extremely opinionated. I just get a little worried sometimes about being down here, without having family nearby and what not. I know I'll be fine, just having a bad day I guess.
Woke up this morning, and it hit me. I miss my home. I miss knowing where I am at, having my mommy there when everything goes wrong. I miss my friends, I miss my freaking doctor! I miss everything. I don't know how to get past this. I know I don't have the money to go home every chance I can. I'm trying so hard to put on this strong face, to just get through it. Make the best of every situation, enjoy my new surroundings. Trying to just be the military spouse and keep on truckin'. But honestly, I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. I just miss home.
Top that off, this house hunting thing has been rough on us. Every house we find that we love something goes wrong, the first one we weren't ready to spend that much money on it, and it would of been a huge gamble. The second one they didn't accept our offer, but accepted someone elses. Now every house we find online we like our realtor tells us its a short sale. I get frustrated because I feel like I am doing her job, and I don't feel like she is working hard enough for us - but part of me knows that it's because I'm so frustrated and freaked out. We have to be under contract on a house in 21 days in order to qualify for the tax credit, not to mention we already gave our apartment complex our 60 day notice and have to be closed on something by May 25th - because you don't get the keys when you close, you get them 3 days later and we have to be moved out by May 31st. Just really stressful right now, and I'm just not excited about it any more. I just want this done and over with.
I also worry sometimes. I am a pretty open book person, and I express myself freely and openly. I'm honest and pretty blunt sometimes. I question a lot of things, just sort of my nature. But I worry that because I am so open, even at my weakest moments, that people might take me for being weak and vulnerable. I'm not. I have my moments where I am, I have my moments where I just cry and I am emotional. But I am pretty kickass about being strong. And most of the time I am. I stand up for myself. I just don't want people to get the wrong impression of me, I'm not this scared little girl who cries all the time. I'm determined, strong willed, and extremely opinionated. I just get a little worried sometimes about being down here, without having family nearby and what not. I know I'll be fine, just having a bad day I guess.
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