All about H&L at 1 Year!

While looking back over my posts, I've realized that I haven't spoken much on how FANTASTIC the boys are doing now a days! We had our 1 Year Well baby appointment on the 14th and to my shock the boys weighed in at 20lbs 5oz and are 29 1/2" long! We don't focus on percentiles here, but they were doing great on their charts and following right along on the curve that they should be on! They received all of their shots, except chickenpox - which we are delaying on until they're 15 month appointment. I don't like them receiving more than 4 at a time, and they needed the flu shot. And because they don't attend daycare it isn't a big deal. Plus - we're borderline isolation right now with it being RSV season.

Milestone wise I have destroyer babies! To say they are boys, would be putting it mildly. These two are 120% all b-o-y. Without a doubt. They took their first steps on their 11 month birthday and were walking all around within two weeks. Liam can now stand himself up independently, so if he is in the middle of the floor he can stand without pulling up on anything, whereas Hayden can't quite do that yet. But I'm sure within two weeks or so, that'll change - maybe. One thing these two are fantastic at though is destroying! Anything and quite frankly everything, they literally leave behind a trail of destruction as they go around the house.

While the boys are very headstrong and are passing all of the physical milestones, verbally/communication wise, that isn't so much the case. Hayden has been clapping for a good 2 months now, and Liam just - and I mean just picked it up. Liam can wave somewhat, sometimes in context, whereas Hayden isn't there yet. To think that in the past I had thought thought that they would be doing the same thing as each other, I laugh now. These two keep me on my toes, that's for sure. Speech wise - ehhh, that we are working on. We can babble, but nothing is really said in context except when they do say 'mama mom' which is usually when they are really, really mad. They babble the sounds 'dada', 'ba', and 'de' and 'G' noises. Sometimes it sounds like Liam is saying doggie, but I'm not sure to be truthful. Hayden isn't making any G noises. According to our childhood intervention specialist - I'm not to worry until 1 year adjusted - which is January 3rd. But I do, especially since Hayden isn't passing his hearing test on his left side and will need a sedated ABR test performed in the near future, but that is another post for another day.

But most importantly, they are going great, and growing fantastically. I'm so proud of them and so much in love with these two little guys. They can drive me crazy and melt my heart, within minutes of each other. But, they make life worth living and I can't imagine my life any other way. Here are some more recent pictures of my crazily handsome little guys!

H&L's first Halloween - Baby Robots! (Hayden has black baby legs and Liam has brown)

 

Liam - Blue, Hayden - Orange enjoying some Mom Guilted Chick-Fil-A after their shots!

 

Hayden at his birthday party!

 Liam, at his birthday party!



Blowing out their candles!

To see them eat their cake, here is the link

364 Days

It has been 364 days since the boys have come into this world, I can’t help but to think back on just how far we have come and grown together in the past almost year. I can’t help but think about where we were just a year ago, and what the next 48-72-96 hours brought us. To be completely honest, it’s a mixture of emotions. Thankfulness, anxiety, sadness, happiness, pride, humbleness, I could go on and on and on.

I’m so thankful, truly thankful for my MFM with whom I had the appointment with on November 7^th.  I honestly know without a doubt in my mind, that had I not been monitored by the team of MFMs that I had last year, that I would be in an entirely different place than I am right now. It’s truly not something I want to dwell on, or really think about. But I am so grateful for them. I’m thankful for the NICU staff that the boys were cared for by, and that at times we were cared for by. I’ve never meet people who were more wonderful than I did during our time in the NICU. It truly takes an amazing person to by a NICU nurse or a neonatologist or a specialist who cares for these tiny babies, and I truly know from the depths of my heart that these people are truly one of the greatest blessings God has given us. I know that our primary NICU nurse was sent to us just by Him. During a time where we had no family nearby to rely on, He sent us her to care for our babies, and care for us. She went above and beyond anything anyone did for us. Reminding us to eat and care for ourselves, to talk with one another, being a shoulder to simply cry on. And calling me out on the bitch of PPD, and when I tried to say “things happen for a reason I suppose” she was the only person who called the BS card. “Things don’t happen for a reason, they just happen and it SUCKS and it isn’t fair but you don’t have a choice, you just get through it. It doesn’t mean its pretty, or that its easy, but you treck on. And it SUCKS” I adored her for saying that, for being honest with us and protecting us all at the same time. She is hands down the reason why H didn’t have brain surgery, without a doubt. Every mL of cerebral fluid she pulled from a lumbar tap prevented what I know my heart couldn’t of handled. Our other Primary nurse was the reason L’s NEC didn’t get far enough to require surgery, and in the early days she just sat with H when I was pumping or getting medicine or with L, and watched his Oxygen levels. Her bluntness, and reassurance and motherness warmed our hearts. If she hadn’t been so adamant on watching his belly measurements with every diaper change, and paying attention to his stool – who knows how long it would of gone before the NEC was discovered.

I still have quite a bit of anxiety thinking about the day the boys were born, the events that occurred, the total 180 that life spun at us. Becoming a parent and making the decision to become a parent never prepares you for this, once that decision has been made your practically handing over your life to the point where you don’t have much control over it and it can do a 180 at any given moment. It can be with a labor and delivery, or it can be when your five year old little boy decides to climb a tree and breaks his arm. Everything is dropped to bring him to the ER and make him feel better. Everything dropped for me that morning during the appointment. A lot of anxiety, I believe, has to do with the fact that everything went from being okay, to hearing “Sometimes babies are safer and grow better on the outside, you did a great job, now we just need to get them out and help them grow.”  Completely panic ridden. I couldn’t even control the tears, I couldn’t bear to look at Erik. I felt like I had failed them, and like I had failed Erik. After changing into my hospital gown, things got a bit – well crazy. I went from hearing, lay on your side, to the MFM being called because the nurses couldn’t find a heartbeat for either baby, to being told that I would receive the steroid shot and another 24 hours later to being told I am going to OR in 5 minutes. It was a lot of confusion, and I honestly believe I just went into shock, my brain shut down. Looking back, I can’t say that I blame it for doing so.

The sadness stems from recovering and not hearing how the boys were doing, just laying there and then being wheeled into the post partum rooms past women who have their babies and here I was with empty arms, listening to the sweet cries at night while I pumped every 3 hours - THAT was torture.  Nothing could of prepared me for the feeling of my heart shattering as we drove away from the hospital with empty arms, no cars eats and no happy family. I literally felt like I was dying, my heart was shattered into millions of tiny pieces. The drive to the NICU was far too long – always, and the phone calls in the middle of the night were never quite helpful enough. BUT happiness and pride overshadows the sadness and anxiety that I feel – at least most days (given PPD doesn’t rear her ugly face).

The day that Hayden came home and joined us brother was the best day. I was so excited to have both boys home and to not have to split my time between the two. Those 5 days were HARD. I wanted to be in the NICU with Hayden but I also wanted to be home with Liam too. Needless to say we had to take turns, but I couldn’t help but be sad that both my babies weren’t home. It was a bit of a blessing though, to have one home and not the other. It gave us a bit of time to find bottles that actually worked and get used to being a parent full time. Bringing Hayden home to join us was amazing, I felt so complete. Seeing them grow from 3lbs to 5lbs and then 10lbs and now 17(ish) is amazing. Watching them reach milestones that I thought they would be more delayed on is truly on of God’s greatest gifts. Seeing them enjoy the food I make warms my heart. Watching them play together and explore their surroundings is by far the best reassurance in the world. It melts my heart watching them giggle while playing together. Being discharged and cleared from Neurosurgery was another great accomplishment. These two little boys have proven to me just how strong, how very, very strong the human spirit is. That no matter how small we are, it doesn’t determine how big the fight we have within us is. They have taught me so much this past year. I’m so proud of their accomplishments – proud of how far they have came. From needing help breathing and eating to walking, babbling and eating everything in sight, all within a year - a whole 365 days. Now, that is nothing short of amazing. I’m so proud of them, and proud of what an amazing father Mr. H is, and how amazing of a husband he is – even when I’m not at my best. This year, has certainly been one for the books that’s for sure.

I’ve been so humbled this past year, with the outpouring support we’ve been given. Mrs. Kathy, our post partum doula has been there for us for so, so much. To simply come and help me care for the boys, bringing over dishes (as well as the amazing parish members who brought us food in the early days too!), to helping fold laundry and helping me understand and grow into my new role of being a mom. To all of our family that has traveled to see us, to the gifts that have been sent for the boys. To all of the prayers, for health for the boys and us, and even the kind gestures from those whom I have never even meet. It’s absolutely humbling and gives me hope that the boys will grow up in a society where they can be humble and kind and giving people without getting walked all over.

When I was told that the first year was the hardest, I believed it – and it was the hardest. There were so many changes, so much newness, so much fear and so many hormones. While I certainly had quite a few bad days, and while things didn’t always go as planned – there was so much happiness. Sure – things take quite a bit more planning and effort now but it is so worth it. When I found out we were expecting twins in May of 2012 I was terrified and full of doubt. But now – I know that God gave me these two precious miracles because he knew I would figure it out and run with it. It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure, but it has been so rewarding. I wish that someone would of told me that this first year is the hardest – but that it is also the most humbling, amazing year as well.

I’m hoping that tomorrow, while I might shed a few tears – especially when we visit our primary nurse at the NICU – that I will also remember to celebrate. Celebrate how much our family has grown, celebrate how much both Mr. H and I have grown as parents, and to most importantly celebrate how far the boys have come and how much happiness they have brought us.

“There are moments that mark your life. Moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this” – Unknown.

Wayyyy Better! :)

Not sure if the whole 'airing' it out yesterday helped, or maybe it was the new boots I bought (got a kickbutt steal on them too might I add) But I am feeling a lot better.
Yesterday was lovebugs birthday, and we spent the day relaxing, and me working, as well as a must needed trip to Shoe Carnival. Got home, spent time with Erik's Meme and PaPaw and went to dinner with his family, there was a new Olive Garden built in Louisville so we tried it out. Well - it's a longgg story but I like the ending - Erik's mom called ahead, and there was still close to a two hour wait - and no, I am so not patient, and we sit down and our waitress was dumb, with a capital DUMB. I try to be sypathetic, and nice, I really really do. But she was horrible - we told her it was Erik's birthday, (thinking they would sing to him - NO!) We were a group of 7, they gave us 6 silverware's, 5 small bread plates, and 6 bread sticks - apparently she can't count? Top it off - I only ordered water with lemon, and it took 3 repeated requests to get a single refill, Erik had gotten a Blue Moon while we waited and asked for another one, but a tall this time. We ordered our food and an appetizer, you know the normal, and well it took about 30 minutes to get our appetizer, which was 30 minutes of no drinks, no bread sticks, no silverware, lemons, or napkins, no beer. Got our appetizer, still no water, no bread sticks, no silverware, or beer. Received our dinner and finally got my water but no beer, and Erik had to go to the hostess stand to get silverware. This girl was horrible - so after dinner Erik's dad went and spoke with the manager, and just wanted to tell her how our dinner was. Well surprisingly she came over, apologized about everything without making a single excuse for it, gave his parents a gift card, and then turned to Erik and thanked him for his service and gave him a $50 gift card as well. It always, always, warms my heart when someone thanks him for his service. Erik isn't the kind of guy who really 'throws' around his service so when someone does find out and thanks him it always makes me smile.
But anyways - rambling - and back to the point of my post. I am feeling a lot more like myself and am a lot more cheerful. We are driving back home now, and its always kind of bittersweet leaving - I love visiting with his family, but I am definitely ready for some 'me' time, and sleep in my own bed.

I am also really thankful that we can finally enjoy our new years eve tomorrow night, I'm not sure what the plan is or what we are going to do for it - but we will be enjoying each others company without having to say goodbye the next day. I am really excited for the new year, the new changes, the new adventures, and the new friends that it will bring with it. In with the new, out with the old. I am really going to try to let go of all the bad and the resentment I've been holding over the year. Start the year fresh, with a positive outlook :)

Birthday thoughts.

So.. today is my birthday. I'm officially not a 'fun' age anymore.. just plain ole 22. Supposedly, its a 'lucky' birthday? I don't know if I necessarly believe in that or what. But I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. a lot. There are a lot of things I don't like, and things I love. I've been thinking that since I'm 22 and I'm supposed to becoming more of a 'lady', there is one quality that I absolutely love in women who are older than I am.. and that is, they recognize their flaws, and either fix them or embrace them.

This has me thinking about my flaws and things that I don't like about myself, not necesarly beauty flaws either. So some of the things that I don't really care for about myself...

1. I second guess everything. I really really do. I'm not sure if its because I doubt myself, or my judgement, or if its people around me. But this is something I really need to stop doing. It only creates more self torture. This is definitely one of the top things I want to fix.
2. I don't have a high self confidence- which needs to be fixed. I've been torn to pieces my entire life, and unhealthy relationships both with the opposite sex and friends have caused this. It's not an excuse- just consequences of past events. After being told over and over again that you aren't beautiful, or your too fat, or this or that it starts to get to you. So I need to remember that, I am beautiful 
3. I pick my self apart in the mirror- you know that whole, oh I'm getting a little pudge, or I could probably work this off- which contributes to number 2. That has got to stop. Yes I go to the gym, because I love the effect of working out and the feeling after a good sweat. But I should not be standing in the mirror doing that. Instead I will address one thing I like instead. For instance- I may not like the size of my arms, but I like that they are muscular, not flabby.
4. I let things bother me, that shouldn't. Which needs to stop. I need to focus on things, yes, but I do not need to overly stress about them. That just causes a whole mess of emotions which isn't good.
5. I need to remember that each day is a gift, not a right. I need to remember to live, to love beyond words, and to enjoy the day. Not stress over what tomorrow may bring.

But my biggest one- Is comparing myself to others. You know that girl in the store you see, who is like perfect, but looks nothing like you. Yet you still find yourself comparing your imperfections to her. And then you just feel worse about yourself? Okay- well maybe you don't but I do. I constantly compare myself to everyone else. I am going to try really really hard to stop this, and remember something my parents used to tell me, Everyone else isn't Anne. Which is so true. I'm the only ME. Who can I compare that to - no one!

My list can go on and on, but I figure it is a start. I want to be happy again, not that I'm not, and happiness isn't a goal, its a mood. I want to be able to love myself. I want to just be able to live, and let loose and enjoy life, enjoy the day, and enjoy the ones I love.

So here is to turning 22, and to recognizing that not everyone is perfect, and neither is life, you fall down, you get scraps and bruises and have a scar to tell a story. Here is to loving yourself, and loving life.

A Trip to the E.R

Well today started off pretty normal, and productive. Physics class this morning, paid off a bill, found a part to my jeep and cleaned, and worked. Around twelve thirty, I got a phone call from Erik's LPO, which I thought was weird, until I picked up the phone. Erik got into an accident at work, and was rushed to the ER. So that put some chaos back into my day. Thankfully it's nothing serious, I went and meet them up there, and he had hurt his back at work. So a few hours later I get him home, thankfully was able to pick up his prescriptions on base (I dropped him off at home, and after waiting for two hours for them to call me up!) and now he is asleep and I am home. But the chaos doesn't end.. I have a trip to the store to make. We need some general essentials, and I am working on two wonderful papers that are due next week (not fun!) and had to put in some extra work hours.
But that was my adventerous day, we are supposed to be having my birthday party tomorrow (hopefully Erik is feeling better!) and then my birthday dinner on Sunday with my parents. My birthday isn't until Monday, the 22nd, but since my parents anniversary is that same day, we are doing dinner early.
All in all it was a productive week, school is getting more stressful due to finals coming up, work is still busy - which I enjoy- and just trying to get everything in its 'spot' at our apartment. Not to mention, christmas shopping. I am really really wanting to get everything done early this year! It's a big goal, since Erik's birthday is Dec. 29th, but I am hoping to get Christmas and his birthday done early this year! Well see..

I hope everyone had a great week, and I hope everyone has a relaxing weekend!