For those of you who don't know, I've been trying to really change my food life, and well my health life too. This started back in November or so, and frankly I've come a pretty long ways in my book. When I started off the year in 2011 I weighed 154lbs. Embarrassing and fatter than a cow in my book. At my wedding on March 3rd I weighed 120 lbs. And I was happy.
I always do really well, and then just kind of slack off. But, I'm for the most part sticking with it. I've done a good job of incorporating more healthy and fresh food into my life versus processed. I never was a big soda person, but that's completely cut out of my life. Energy drinks are a water based Crystal Light packet - with only 60 mg of Caffeine in it. I eat a ton of greek yogurt, which I love. Grapefruit, celery, whole grain food. I also take my Prenatal vitamin that is food based, and has my daily serving of certain vitamins/minerals that make me crave chocolate. Which helps.
I do pretty well with food choices. Because I feel better when I eat right, and eat smart. I feel good. Once I am into a good routine I am good about working out. But, my routine slacked after the wedding. I at least went to the gym on our cruise some but it's not been spectacular. Maybe twice a week I make it to the gym or do a workout. This is where I need to get better. So I'm hoping that by blogging about it, will help keep me committed.
I've noticed also, that when I am eating right and working out, my anorexia thoughts are almost completely gone, the thoughts of "I am a COW", "Oh my gosh, do not take off my shirt, I am too fat", "How can you even think you're beautiful at all, just look in the mirror" No - I'm really not taking this to an extreme, this is really what goes on in my head. So I'm really going to make a habit to stay active, and keep up with this new lifestyle. Because for the first time in a longggg time I am happy with myself and my body.
So here it is my goal, my measurements and my current weight. I plan on updating this weekly. I don't plan on doing pictures, because frankly I don't feel comfortable. But.. I will take a few and keep them and when I feel comfortable I will share them.
My Goal - Maintain exercise. Eat healthy, work out daily.
Form of workout: Jillian Micheals 30 day Shred (she's killer), and NY and Co Ballet Workout 1 & 2. Occasional gym sesh.
Measurements:
Upper Thigh (fattest part)- 21"
Lower Thigh (above knee) - 17"
Upper Arm (before arm pit) - 11"
Hips: 37"
Waist: 29"
Weight: 127 lbs.
So.. we'll see how I am doing next Tuesday.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Our Wedding
Just like any bride would say, my wedding day was simply the best day of my life so far. It wasn't necessarly because everything went perfectly, because it surely didn't. But it was because it was the day that the love of my life and I were joined together as one in God. I wouldn't say I'm the most outward religious person, but that my friends, was the most powerful moment of my life.
We surely had hiccups, my mother and I argued most of the day. My day of cordinator forgot to pat down my dress after bustling it, so I had 'wings'. We were under a tornado watch, we were running late, they lost the prayer of the faithful we had written. And who knows what else I am forgetting to mention. But - in all it was perfect for us. We had the most amazing photographers in the whole world who were able to capture everything. We had our close family there, and we couldn't ask for more than that.
Obviously not all of the pictures, but pretty much sums it up. I'll post some details later if anyone is interested. But pretty much everything came together pretty exactly how I imagined it. And at the end of the day, we were married - which was all that mattered.
Married life is amazing, I love waking up to my husband every day. I love saying husband, I love hearing my new last name, I love seeing Mrs. It's so exciting and new. Granted, we lived together before we were married, and nothing has changed, but everything just feels so much more powerful now. Not that we didn't love each other before, but, it's just stronger I feel.
We surely had hiccups, my mother and I argued most of the day. My day of cordinator forgot to pat down my dress after bustling it, so I had 'wings'. We were under a tornado watch, we were running late, they lost the prayer of the faithful we had written. And who knows what else I am forgetting to mention. But - in all it was perfect for us. We had the most amazing photographers in the whole world who were able to capture everything. We had our close family there, and we couldn't ask for more than that.
Obviously not all of the pictures, but pretty much sums it up. I'll post some details later if anyone is interested. But pretty much everything came together pretty exactly how I imagined it. And at the end of the day, we were married - which was all that mattered.
Married life is amazing, I love waking up to my husband every day. I love saying husband, I love hearing my new last name, I love seeing Mrs. It's so exciting and new. Granted, we lived together before we were married, and nothing has changed, but everything just feels so much more powerful now. Not that we didn't love each other before, but, it's just stronger I feel.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Our future..
Despite all the crazyness that I may lead on to believe is my life, I am pretty normal too. Everyone has struggles, trials, tribulations. It's life, it's the beauty in it.
Things happen, but you have to move on from it. Take it as it is, and go on. Make the best of it, and learn from it. I know - coming from the girl who complains and cries a lot, but it's true. And I'm really going to do my best in living up to my words better.
That being said, my wonderful husband and I are planning on starting our own family. We're not necessarily trying to concieve, but we aren't trying not to either. We're just, having fun and enjoying life and the days we have with each other. If it happens it happens, God has a plan for us and we're just letting him guide us along the way. We would love if it happened right away, but if it doesn't then that's perfectly okay too. This is one experience I do not want to put pressure on, nor expectations.
A lot of people I'm sure will judge us for wanting to really start our family so soon after getting married, and I really don't feel like justifying it to anyone. Erik and I are perfectly happy together, just us two. We've been through a lot as a couple, and have spent 4 years together - while he was deployed for a lot of it, we learned a lot about each other. We wouldn't of gotten married if it were different. We know we will be together for the rest of our lives, we don't believe in divorce and I can garuntee you that I would do anything to better our relationship. We have less than 2 years till Erik becomes deployable, so for us - it was a matter of either trying now, knowing that we need to be trying for a year before consulting a doctor, or do we want to wait an additional 5-6 years for a child. Neither one of us do, and it would be completely selfish to try for a baby while on sea duty. Regardless, it's in God's hands now - and that's how I plan on keeping it.
On the topic of shore and sea duty. I briefly talked some time before about how it was hard to get used to Erik being home all the time, but I absolutely love it. It really did take some time to get used to him being around all the time, and getting used to asking him to do things. I know its going to suck when he leaves again, but I can't let myself think like that. Instead, I take advantage of having him home and enjoy it. There comes a point where you can only plan so much around it. By all means we are going to try to have Erik home for all of our future childrens firsts, but if it doesn't work out that way, there is surely a rhyme and reason and there are also camera's created for that reason.
So anyways.. that's whats new post wedding. I can't wait to share wedding pictures with everyone!
Things happen, but you have to move on from it. Take it as it is, and go on. Make the best of it, and learn from it. I know - coming from the girl who complains and cries a lot, but it's true. And I'm really going to do my best in living up to my words better.
That being said, my wonderful husband and I are planning on starting our own family. We're not necessarily trying to concieve, but we aren't trying not to either. We're just, having fun and enjoying life and the days we have with each other. If it happens it happens, God has a plan for us and we're just letting him guide us along the way. We would love if it happened right away, but if it doesn't then that's perfectly okay too. This is one experience I do not want to put pressure on, nor expectations.
A lot of people I'm sure will judge us for wanting to really start our family so soon after getting married, and I really don't feel like justifying it to anyone. Erik and I are perfectly happy together, just us two. We've been through a lot as a couple, and have spent 4 years together - while he was deployed for a lot of it, we learned a lot about each other. We wouldn't of gotten married if it were different. We know we will be together for the rest of our lives, we don't believe in divorce and I can garuntee you that I would do anything to better our relationship. We have less than 2 years till Erik becomes deployable, so for us - it was a matter of either trying now, knowing that we need to be trying for a year before consulting a doctor, or do we want to wait an additional 5-6 years for a child. Neither one of us do, and it would be completely selfish to try for a baby while on sea duty. Regardless, it's in God's hands now - and that's how I plan on keeping it.
On the topic of shore and sea duty. I briefly talked some time before about how it was hard to get used to Erik being home all the time, but I absolutely love it. It really did take some time to get used to him being around all the time, and getting used to asking him to do things. I know its going to suck when he leaves again, but I can't let myself think like that. Instead, I take advantage of having him home and enjoy it. There comes a point where you can only plan so much around it. By all means we are going to try to have Erik home for all of our future childrens firsts, but if it doesn't work out that way, there is surely a rhyme and reason and there are also camera's created for that reason.
So anyways.. that's whats new post wedding. I can't wait to share wedding pictures with everyone!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
As much as I want to talk about my beautiful wedding day, I'm going to wait until I actually have pictures to post. But there is something I want to talk about, and while it isn't as lovely as my wedding it surely is something I need and want to talk about.
Addiction is a really tricky subject and situation. A lot of issues arise not only just for the addicts, but for their family and friends as well. I've always been a huge Intervention fan - but I don't feel like it really displays a lot on the subject sometimes. Then again, it is just a TV show.
I feel like family members struggle just as much as the addict does. It's a hard situation to be in. Knowing that the person you love and care about are struggling with a problem, that takes years and years to fix and will never truly be fixed completely. There will be scars and tendencies to fight for the rest of their life. As a family member, its hard to struggle with how to handle things the 'right' way. You want to help your loved one, but you don't want to enable them. You want to put your foot down, but you don't want to lock them out completely.
My brother struggles with addiction, and has for quiet some time now. Originally it was just alcohol - at such a young age it was quiet sad and it was thought that he would out grow his reasons to drink. Eventually it's just grown, and spiraled out of control. Turning into adderal, and marijuana and still alcohol, and to my knowledge and thoughts pain medications as well.
It's hard, it's hard to sit back and not be able to fix anything, to be so frustrated and there is just nothing you can do regarding it. It's also hard to not blame yourself, to understand that that person made those choices that got them there, you didn't force them to do anything and although you may of exposed them to doors, you never opened them and pushed them through those doors. It was them who did that. It's hard to understand that and to come to terms with that. Especially as an older sibling and as a female, where we want to take the blame and fix things, or at least I do. I want to blame myself for not being a better role model, for not hanging around with a better group. I want to change the rebellious stage and the bad things I have done, to take it all back, and to of never done so. But that can't happen. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that it isn't my fault that my brother is where he is in life, I didn't make him drink nor did I make him smoke nor did I make him take pills. I didn't force him into that. There are paths off of paths off of paths in life and while I may have exposed him to those paths off of paths, I never pushed him down those paths. That was his choice.
Addiction is a nasty disease, it literally takes the person that they were and turns them into something they aren't. They aren't the same caring person they once were, although they may be in the same body. If that makes sense. It's like they turn into this demon, becoming mean at times - lashing out on others when they can't get that high that they are seeking, manipulating people to get something they need - food, a ride, money. There is zero motivation to better themselves.
It becomes frustrating, quickly. You see the path they are going down and no matter how hard you try to pull them in the other direction or help them or find resources. They won't change unless they come to the reality that their is a problem with how they are living and what they are doing. It's been said time and time again, you can't make someone change unless they want to and it couldn't be more true.
Addiction has a way of ripping families apart, and it isn't necessarily because of the dangers of drugs, but rather the frustration and enabling. My mother and I struggle to maintain a good relationship because of my brother. My brother has always been the one that was given more attention, at least in my book. He is the middle one, and was always more emotional. I do know that he was more favored by my mom. But back to what I was getting at. My mother - no matter how much I try to explain it to her - doesn't understand that my brother has a serious problem, maybe she does, but she won't stop trying to protect him and she won't stop enabling him. She always will take his side, and stands between him and my father, gives him money, rides, food. I think a lot of the reason why my mother continues to enable him, is because she's concerned that if she doesn't something awful might happen, but also because she has her own struggles with addiction.
Addiction is a really tricky subject and situation. A lot of issues arise not only just for the addicts, but for their family and friends as well. I've always been a huge Intervention fan - but I don't feel like it really displays a lot on the subject sometimes. Then again, it is just a TV show.
I feel like family members struggle just as much as the addict does. It's a hard situation to be in. Knowing that the person you love and care about are struggling with a problem, that takes years and years to fix and will never truly be fixed completely. There will be scars and tendencies to fight for the rest of their life. As a family member, its hard to struggle with how to handle things the 'right' way. You want to help your loved one, but you don't want to enable them. You want to put your foot down, but you don't want to lock them out completely.
My brother struggles with addiction, and has for quiet some time now. Originally it was just alcohol - at such a young age it was quiet sad and it was thought that he would out grow his reasons to drink. Eventually it's just grown, and spiraled out of control. Turning into adderal, and marijuana and still alcohol, and to my knowledge and thoughts pain medications as well.
It's hard, it's hard to sit back and not be able to fix anything, to be so frustrated and there is just nothing you can do regarding it. It's also hard to not blame yourself, to understand that that person made those choices that got them there, you didn't force them to do anything and although you may of exposed them to doors, you never opened them and pushed them through those doors. It was them who did that. It's hard to understand that and to come to terms with that. Especially as an older sibling and as a female, where we want to take the blame and fix things, or at least I do. I want to blame myself for not being a better role model, for not hanging around with a better group. I want to change the rebellious stage and the bad things I have done, to take it all back, and to of never done so. But that can't happen. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that it isn't my fault that my brother is where he is in life, I didn't make him drink nor did I make him smoke nor did I make him take pills. I didn't force him into that. There are paths off of paths off of paths in life and while I may have exposed him to those paths off of paths, I never pushed him down those paths. That was his choice.
Addiction is a nasty disease, it literally takes the person that they were and turns them into something they aren't. They aren't the same caring person they once were, although they may be in the same body. If that makes sense. It's like they turn into this demon, becoming mean at times - lashing out on others when they can't get that high that they are seeking, manipulating people to get something they need - food, a ride, money. There is zero motivation to better themselves.
It becomes frustrating, quickly. You see the path they are going down and no matter how hard you try to pull them in the other direction or help them or find resources. They won't change unless they come to the reality that their is a problem with how they are living and what they are doing. It's been said time and time again, you can't make someone change unless they want to and it couldn't be more true.
Addiction has a way of ripping families apart, and it isn't necessarily because of the dangers of drugs, but rather the frustration and enabling. My mother and I struggle to maintain a good relationship because of my brother. My brother has always been the one that was given more attention, at least in my book. He is the middle one, and was always more emotional. I do know that he was more favored by my mom. But back to what I was getting at. My mother - no matter how much I try to explain it to her - doesn't understand that my brother has a serious problem, maybe she does, but she won't stop trying to protect him and she won't stop enabling him. She always will take his side, and stands between him and my father, gives him money, rides, food. I think a lot of the reason why my mother continues to enable him, is because she's concerned that if she doesn't something awful might happen, but also because she has her own struggles with addiction.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Forever!
Oh my lanta, has it been forever and a day since I have been able to blog!
So things here have obviously been super crazy, I was so caught up in house work, work, RCIA classes, and wedding planning that when I did have time to blog and started typing - I just never finished. I promise I will post/work on those unfinished projects soon - I need to for my own good.
I just wanted to hop on and write something short, and share some wonderful news. After almost 8 months of wedding planning, and all that hellious stress it entails. Erik and I were married in front of God and all of our wonderful friends and family, on Saturday March 3rd! We leave for our honeymoon at the end of the month and we are both just so excited for this new chapter together!!
I won't say the day went off without a hitch, because there were definitely hiccups, but it was perfect for us and it was worth every night and day I was stressed and overwhelemed. So now we are just enjoying each other and newlywed life!!
I promise to give a real update soon, and to share pictures when we have some!
So things here have obviously been super crazy, I was so caught up in house work, work, RCIA classes, and wedding planning that when I did have time to blog and started typing - I just never finished. I promise I will post/work on those unfinished projects soon - I need to for my own good.
I just wanted to hop on and write something short, and share some wonderful news. After almost 8 months of wedding planning, and all that hellious stress it entails. Erik and I were married in front of God and all of our wonderful friends and family, on Saturday March 3rd! We leave for our honeymoon at the end of the month and we are both just so excited for this new chapter together!!
I won't say the day went off without a hitch, because there were definitely hiccups, but it was perfect for us and it was worth every night and day I was stressed and overwhelemed. So now we are just enjoying each other and newlywed life!!
I promise to give a real update soon, and to share pictures when we have some!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Things no one talks about
We had our PreCana class over the weekend, this past Saturday. It was eight full hours of premarital counseling - well sort of. I don't think you can really count 8 hours of being in an auditorium full of maybe 25 other couples as counseling, but it really did provide some insight. The main topics were about communication, finances, natural family planning, and life. There was an elder couple who came in to talk to us and it was really nice to hear about their hardships and how they solved them.
Fair fighting was on the agenda, along with communication and it really kind of hit me hard upside my head. They gave us this little circle - and said when we have an issue to sit down face to face and go through the circle. Basically what it was getting at, was every issue has an underlying fear. That's what hit me hard.
All the little tiff's Erik and I have been having lately, and all the 'fights' so to say are due to a fear - mainly me enraged by one thing or another. I don't ask for help around the house, because I don't want to rely on Erik to take out the trash (or something along those lines) and then he deploys and I suddenly have a breakdown because he isn't here to take out the garbage. Makes no sense to my sane brain, but the insane brain makes this believable. I guess what it boils down to is I'm scared to give up on the independence I've gained - the 'I can do it all, I've got this, I don't need your help' type of attitude. I don't want to be left vulnerable when it's time for him to leave again.
Also, there are numerous occasions where I feel like my job, to him, isn't validated. Yes, I am home all the time but I do work. I do have responsibilities, I have deadlines, I have people who depend on me to do my job. So when I'm asked to call someone and it's in the middle of my work day - no it isn't going to happen. If he wants it done right then and there, he needs to call them, not me. I'm working. So it really upsets me that it feels like he doesn't respect my job. He wouldn't call me at the office to call the pest control company to come out, so why does he feel the need to ask me directly to do it in the middle of my work day? This really doesn't qualify as a fear, but I guess if I were more open about it it is. I want to be appreciated for what I do, for what I bring to the table. I want to feel needed, and feeling unneeded and not being appreciated is a huge fear for me. I want to feel like my contribution is just as important as his is.
No one ever really talks about their fears, not as much as their wants are brought up into discussion. Maybe because showing fears and weaknesses leaves you vulnerable, open for someone to realize that your not worth the time and effort. Lately, I feel like I'm pushing Erik away, trying to get him to break almost. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, because it certainly isn't what I want. But maybe its for my own ease of mind, like if I push him so hard and he is still here than that means he really isn't going anywhere. Or maybe its just the 3 year itch. Either way.. I don't like it. Its extremely tiresome. We stopped doing the Love Dare because we got so busy with work, but I'm truly thinking about starting it back up soon.
My mind just seems so scattered lately, and on a one way road to destruction. I've been so preoccupied with wedding things, and having things just perfect. I've been extremely stressed with money and lately health issues. I developed Bell's Palsey recently and that's been a royal pain in the rear to deal with. I'm just getting to the point of no return I feel.. I think some much needed relaxation is in the forecast, maybe a massage would help, I'm really looking forward to doing hot yoga when I get to Virginia Beach for Christmas. I've really missed it, it isn't offered down here or at least not anywhere that I've found. Maybe.. I'm just on overload - but regardless - it needs to stop, because I seriously can't handle many more days like today.
Fair fighting was on the agenda, along with communication and it really kind of hit me hard upside my head. They gave us this little circle - and said when we have an issue to sit down face to face and go through the circle. Basically what it was getting at, was every issue has an underlying fear. That's what hit me hard.
All the little tiff's Erik and I have been having lately, and all the 'fights' so to say are due to a fear - mainly me enraged by one thing or another. I don't ask for help around the house, because I don't want to rely on Erik to take out the trash (or something along those lines) and then he deploys and I suddenly have a breakdown because he isn't here to take out the garbage. Makes no sense to my sane brain, but the insane brain makes this believable. I guess what it boils down to is I'm scared to give up on the independence I've gained - the 'I can do it all, I've got this, I don't need your help' type of attitude. I don't want to be left vulnerable when it's time for him to leave again.
Also, there are numerous occasions where I feel like my job, to him, isn't validated. Yes, I am home all the time but I do work. I do have responsibilities, I have deadlines, I have people who depend on me to do my job. So when I'm asked to call someone and it's in the middle of my work day - no it isn't going to happen. If he wants it done right then and there, he needs to call them, not me. I'm working. So it really upsets me that it feels like he doesn't respect my job. He wouldn't call me at the office to call the pest control company to come out, so why does he feel the need to ask me directly to do it in the middle of my work day? This really doesn't qualify as a fear, but I guess if I were more open about it it is. I want to be appreciated for what I do, for what I bring to the table. I want to feel needed, and feeling unneeded and not being appreciated is a huge fear for me. I want to feel like my contribution is just as important as his is.
No one ever really talks about their fears, not as much as their wants are brought up into discussion. Maybe because showing fears and weaknesses leaves you vulnerable, open for someone to realize that your not worth the time and effort. Lately, I feel like I'm pushing Erik away, trying to get him to break almost. I'm not sure why I'm doing this, because it certainly isn't what I want. But maybe its for my own ease of mind, like if I push him so hard and he is still here than that means he really isn't going anywhere. Or maybe its just the 3 year itch. Either way.. I don't like it. Its extremely tiresome. We stopped doing the Love Dare because we got so busy with work, but I'm truly thinking about starting it back up soon.
My mind just seems so scattered lately, and on a one way road to destruction. I've been so preoccupied with wedding things, and having things just perfect. I've been extremely stressed with money and lately health issues. I developed Bell's Palsey recently and that's been a royal pain in the rear to deal with. I'm just getting to the point of no return I feel.. I think some much needed relaxation is in the forecast, maybe a massage would help, I'm really looking forward to doing hot yoga when I get to Virginia Beach for Christmas. I've really missed it, it isn't offered down here or at least not anywhere that I've found. Maybe.. I'm just on overload - but regardless - it needs to stop, because I seriously can't handle many more days like today.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Never ending battle.
It's still a battle. My body image vs Me.
We had our engagement pictures taken back on the 13th of November, and got them back last week. And I will firstly say I am in love with them. I am so utterly happy with our photographers and absolutely amazed that these are really us in the pictures! But.. on another token it's made me painfully aware of my poor body image.
In my head, I'm still vastly overweight. Okay - that in itself was an overstatement. But - I wasn't thin. I've lost about 20 pounds since last year. And for the most part.. I've been pretty good about keeping it off. I'm a fluctuator though, by about 5 pounds. But anyways - like I was saying. I think my body image of myself hasn't improved. I look at those pictures and notice right away that I look good. But yet I still want to loose another 10 more pounds. It's always, another ten more pounds and another ten. For some reason, I just don't grasp what it is that everyone else sees. I don't grasp that I do look pretty, or that I am at a good weight.
I'm not really sure how to solve this issue.. or at least correct it. I know it will always be a work in progress, this back and forth battle with my body image it would just be nice to learn how to correct those thoughts...
just what is on my mind at the moment. I know I've been a horrible blogger but I promise once things settle down I'll blog more. There have been numerous times I've wanted to, just extremely busy lately.
We had our engagement pictures taken back on the 13th of November, and got them back last week. And I will firstly say I am in love with them. I am so utterly happy with our photographers and absolutely amazed that these are really us in the pictures! But.. on another token it's made me painfully aware of my poor body image.
In my head, I'm still vastly overweight. Okay - that in itself was an overstatement. But - I wasn't thin. I've lost about 20 pounds since last year. And for the most part.. I've been pretty good about keeping it off. I'm a fluctuator though, by about 5 pounds. But anyways - like I was saying. I think my body image of myself hasn't improved. I look at those pictures and notice right away that I look good. But yet I still want to loose another 10 more pounds. It's always, another ten more pounds and another ten. For some reason, I just don't grasp what it is that everyone else sees. I don't grasp that I do look pretty, or that I am at a good weight.
I'm not really sure how to solve this issue.. or at least correct it. I know it will always be a work in progress, this back and forth battle with my body image it would just be nice to learn how to correct those thoughts...
just what is on my mind at the moment. I know I've been a horrible blogger but I promise once things settle down I'll blog more. There have been numerous times I've wanted to, just extremely busy lately.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
