Catching Up!

Wow - so it's June, already. Where has time gone, and where has it taken my brain off too!

So let's see, what's new? Well, the boys are doing fantastic! They are growing and are so, so much fun now. I really, really love this age regardless of how exhausting some days may be. They're doing fantastic with their milestones and have really, really done well with their speech therapy. It's fantastic to see how much they've grown and to hear their progress.

Otherwise, things are picking up in some other ways around the H house. We are expecting a baby boy who will complete our family in early November! We're so very excited to add another little boy to our hearts and our home. Nervous in many ways, but thrilled!

Things are also picking up with the Navy life. The Mr. is currently out on an underway and will be deploying days after our new addition makes his grand debut. It isn't exactly how things were planned, or how we pictured them but that's life, right? It's definitely a new learning curve on parenting for me, and a bit of a juggling act but we knew and were waiting for the big Deployment to come and it is starting to make an appearance.

With the Mr. underway I am learning new tips and tricks on how to juggle life at home with the boys (while pregnant) , Most of my posts will probably be about that, not so much just being Mom but things that I have found that are helping us and making my life easier to manage when solo.

So - if you're still following and still around, I'm venturing back! I'm really hoping to get better with blogging and updating this time and keeping a better habit at it.

Look forward to more posts soon! :)

Am I selfish?

Sometimes I often wonder if I am a selfish mom. Selfish for working, for taking on business trips. Am I selfish for willingly leaving my boys at home with their Dad for a few days? Am I selfish for wanting to better my career, for nothing other than my personal pride and work ethic?

All too often I hear, that someone's child is so much better off because their mom was able to stay at home with them. That the only reason that they turned out okay was because their mom was around all the time. While, I have no doubt that's true, and that is what works for their family, it makes me wonder if my work has made me selfish.

Let me elaborate a bit more.

I work at home, averaging about 30 hours or more a week. I work in IT Sales and Management, specializing in solutions. I'm working hard to make the transition into a full time position with my company. I also don't work because of a need for two incomes. Furthermore, I have maintained the stance that I won't sacrifice my career, or job rather, simply because my husband is in the military. I was very lucky to have this job and have strived very hard to prove myself.

I often wonder, or rather feel that I am highly selfish for not turning down work trips to remain the sole caretaker of my children, or the stability in our house. I know that our home life is much different than other families because of my husband's job in the military. Not only is it much different from the "norm" but it is also much different from other military families.

Sometimes I question whether or not I am paying someone to raise my kid, or that I am a part time mom. That I am really causing more harm than good, or that I am trying to do too much, only to cause a lot of damage on the way. I hate that by working, I feel guilty and feel like I'm being too selfish. That in someway, I am ruining my children. I know deep down I'm not, but when I hear comment about how great someone's kids are because their mom stayed at home, I wonder if I am just plowing the way for my children to be not-so-great.

There are some days, that seem to flow so seamlessly and feel so content. Then there are others, the rough ones. The ones were work is busy and stressful, there are a hundred house chores that need to be done, dinner to be made, and the boys are on a biting, screaming streak. Those are the days I question everything so much more. I question on if I would have more time if I didn't work, if the boys wouldn't have a speech delay if I were around narrating my day more. Maybe if I didn't work, we wouldn't eat so much take out and L wouldn't bite H as much as he does. Maybe if I didn't work, we would have more friends with families, the boys would have friends their own age. We would have time for coffee and doughnut play dates, park and more zoo trips. I question it far more than I should on those days.

I've spoken with other working mom friends, well co-workers.They get it to an extent. I think part of the issue lies within my inner critic, and the mom guilt. While there are a hundred ways to skin a cat, I feel like there are two main ways to raise children and that I'm kind of falling in this grey area. Not quite a full time in-office working mom, but not a start at home mom either. The grey area is what makes it tough, what makes me feel like I'm walking in an uncharted territory.

I hate that I feel selfish over working, because working helps with my feelings of self worth. It's good to be selfish in life, good to want to better yourself. I work because ultimately, I enjoy it. I can only hope that I'm teaching the boys that it's okay to be selfish, without losing sight of what is best for your family. I hope that I can teach them there are more matters to life than work, but that there is more than family. It's okay to put your family first, but you shouldn't lose sight of your own goals and aspirations. You don't want to look back one day and think 'What if...' that being said its important to not put work first all the time, and it's not quite always the best timing to put your goals first either. It's a fine, fine line to walk. One that I'm leery of almost all the time, to walk this line that divides maintaining your identity without pushing your family away, and becoming so engulfed in your family you lose focus and you lose who you are.

"It's not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It's necessary." -Mandy Hale

Why I hate the 'Military Wife' Stigma

Many of you may not be aware that I grew up in the military lifestyle, a "navy brat" as many called it, a term my mother couldn't stand. "You're not brats!" she would say, and while we weren't golden all the time, I agree.

My issue with the "military wife" stigma is something that I'm coming to notice more and more as I become more of an outsider in this 'community' if you will. Many wives claim that their 'job' is a Navy wife, a Marine wife, an Army, Coast Guard, Airforce wife. That's not my job. My job is in the IT field, a job I have worked at for the past four and a half years. I go to work every day, well Monday-Friday, I'm also a mother and a wife every day. But being a mother and a wife is not something I would consider a 'job', and here is why:

• A job by definition is:

A noun

1.  a piece of work, especially a specific task done as part of the routine of one's occupation or for an agreed price:

She gave him the job of mowing the lawn.

2.  a post of employment; full-time or part-time position:

She was seeking a job as an editor.

• To me, being a mother or a wife is more than a job. It is a lifestyle change, it is a choice one made to care for one or more people for quite literally the rest of your life. To put your needs last in some occasions, and to know when to put your needs first. Is being a mother a responsibility? Yes, absolutely. But it's more than that.
• A job, is a place of employment, a place of an employment that you chose to work at and that you can chose to leave at any given time. Being a mother, or a wife, is not a position that you can just wake up one day and decide to leave. You can't walk into your child's room and say "Mom quits today, make your own bottles, change your own diapers and occupy yourself" (well I suppose you could, but I wouldn't suggest it.)
• My husband is the one in the military, not myself, it's his job. Not mine. I really don't feel like I do anything different than what any other wife, who loves her husband, would do. Sure it sucks when he goes away for a bit, but I like to think that is what makes our relationship work so well. It's based on more than just the day-to-day, more than physical attraction. Any normal wife would support her husbands endavors, and make sacrafices for the family. So, no, I don't think being a military wife in the broadest sense is some sort of super job.
• To kind of contradict what I stated above, there are aspects that make it difficult. Like when the washer breaks after he's only left 12 hours ago. Or when the kids are screaming and you just want a break, but your husband isn't due to be home for another 2 months and your families are 10+ hours away. Those are trials and tribulations, and they make us who we are. They can be hard, they can be joyous, they can be heartbreaking and they can be overwhelming but I'm a firm believer in that's how we grow.

I just can't hope on board with making it my life, making it my job. Is the military a big part of our life? Yes. Do they have more control on your family life than you're average career? Yes. But it's not our life, it's not my life. My life is a compilation of things, my children, my husband, my dog, my home, my family, my job, my friends, doing things I love and enjoy doing. You get the picture. I don't wake up and live and breathe the military. I don't deploy to a war zone, I don't see steel grey walls everyday for extended amounts of time. I don't work 16 hours a day when I'm deployed.

I'm lucky to have a husband who wants to pursue this career, who wants to not only protect his family but his country. I'm lucky to have a husband who provides for his family. The most important thing though is that is his choice, his doing. I feel like the "military wife" stigma takes a lot away from that, and that makes me really sad.

A late Update

I feel like because I haven't blogged in so long, that an update is called for.

The boys are now 26 months, two years old. They have been receiving speech therapy once a week since October and have made huge leaps and bounds! Hayden went from only saying a handful of words at 23 months (handful, as in less than 10) to saying 10-30 words spontaneously and is now using phrases like ‘thank you’, ‘I want’ (when prompted),  ‘bye bye’, and Hayden is now mimicking myself and his Dad. Liam, has skyrocketed. He has gone from less than 20 words, to now saying 2 words phrases. They adore their therapist and I have to say I do too. She is hands down amazing and has helped us in more ways than we could of thought.

We also have found a Nanny, not really an accurate word but kind of the only word for her, and the boys also love her. I’m so grateful for her, because day-care prices were outrageously high for two kids. Not to mention, I’m glad that I don’t have to worry if they are sick, I don’t have to take sick days, I’m not exposing them to germs other than the normal park germs. I don’t have to wake them up in the morning to take them to a place other than home and they get to nap at home. The list goes on, and on, and on.

I weaned off of Zoloft back in July of 2014, and while it was a bit difficult at first, I’m SO much better. At first it was kind of difficult, because there were things that I had buried deep down that started bubbling to the surface. Things I guess you could say I ignored, that I had to face again. But it was refreshing. I started using Essential Oils to help with my moods and thyroid, and they have been so wonderful.

The Mr is now on sea duty, and is getting ready to start deploying. Part of me is sad, because of the time he will miss with the boys, the other part of me is looking forward to all that I will accomplish while he is gone. The time I will have to grow as a person and refocus my energy, the fun things I can do to update the house while he is gone.

Other than the normal ins and outs, I’ve been working on rebuilding some family relationships sand working on how I want others to go. I’m still working and hoping that I will be granted a ‘full time’ position soon. I currently work about 30 hours a week and up, but I’m really hoping to go full time due to the benefits of PTO and sick days. I’m in the process of re-starting school to finally finish up my degree now and just figure out what career I really want to be in.

I’m really hoping that now that my time management has gotten SO much better, I’ll be able to blog more regularly, about in things going on in my life, and maybe help others in similar spots in life. Twin mom life, military wife life (although I really hate that term, but that’s a different post for a different day), working mom and working at home life and just life in general. In the mean time, I have a whole lot of laundry to catch up on and bedtime is drawing near.

Night!

Hayden Climbing at the Park

Liam Climbing at the Park

Snuggles after naptime.

My Mommy Confession

I haven’t blogged much lately, I haven’t had much energy to nor much that I felt was worth saying. But, I have a nasty, little confession that I think is about time to get off my chest.

I left every single mom group I was in.

I know what you’re thinking. Mom Groups? They have those? Yep. They do, and I quit every one of them.

When I first found out I was pregnant I joined up on the Bump and joined a month board. It was nice to have a group of women who were going through virtually the same thing I was going through, some veterans and some first time moms like me. I was on the Multiples board off and on, but never really felt too attached to it. Eventually one of the moms made a FB group and I focused on that versus the Bump.

These girls were amazing, it was wonderful having a group of girls to go to when problems arose, when I need recommendations for carseat brands or bottles. When I wanted to know how many crib sheets to get. They were a great sounding board after a rough NICU day. You get the picture.

Eventually, somewhere down the line, a spin off group was created of girls that felt the closest and I was in that group. These were the girls I loved, and I mean loved. We talked about it all, post baby bellies, husbands, sex, wine nights, date nights, babysitters, nannies, work. Then something happened. Suddenly, someone didn’t like that people were too ‘real’ or too ‘mean’. Now, it’s the internet, so tone of voice can be hard to read. But never in my life was I referred to as a ‘mean’ girl. Ever.

Enter, a crazy catty downward slow spiral.

At first, it was only 3 or 4 girls, who left the group – unbeknown to all, creating their own side group that was about everything happy, and pretty and fun. And eventually (I’m sparing tedious details yall), it diminished into two totally different groups. Two total separate groups that both I'm sure felt stabbed in the back.

Recap: 1 group of moms, with a side group of 50 of those moms, demolished into 1 main mom group and 2 side groups. I know it’s a lot. And its totally wackadoodle. But lets carry on, shall we?

Anyhow, so lets get back to it. So this small side group of a side group had a few girls, we’ll say less than 20. And we all thought we were close. But, the key word is thought. After about 4 months, it became bluntly obvious that it pretty much was a ‘support’ group for two people, and unless you had something end-of-the-world, it felt blown over. Birthdays were forgotten, people were left out. So. After a ton of freaking dumb drama, and feeling like I was slapped in the face, I left.

And it felt ahmazing. I felt free, I felt so free. And better yet, I still do. I keep in touch with a few of the girls I felt close to. I still chat on a daily basis with a few, and I don’t compare myself to others. That was the most single surprising thing that I found after leaving, was that deep down, I was constantly matching myself up against others that I thought were friends. I didn’t wait until they were 3 years old to rear face, I didn’t breastfeed let alone exclusively breastfeed, I didn’t want another pregnancy, I didn’t want sex all of the time. And the list goes on.. and on. And on.

It’s so funny, how fast you thought people were friends that you realize that you aren’t really friends. People who you confided in, you realize probably were really just chatting behind your back or baiting you for information. Blah, blah blah.

And another thing happened. It is SO much easier to focus on work, focus on the boys, focus on the Mr. You get the point. I didn’t realize that I was concerned, on some level, what was going on with the other girls in the group. I just hadn’t realized that it had some how become a priority, but its certainly a priority that I don’t miss. At all.

It’s one of those things that I don’t think are for everyone, one of those things that I feel like can cause more harm than good, especially if you are a giving person. I’ve given far more than I should of ever given, to girls who I thought were friends, who come to find out just manipulated me as well as others.

I’ve not been happier, really and truly. I feel so much more confident in my role as a mom, as a wife, and as a working mom. I have the urge to work out in the mornings, for me. The urge to do my makeup because it’s something I have found that I am interested in, not because I’m trying to match up to another mom. I’m really just at a good spot now, a much better spot than I have been the past few years.

So.. that’s my dirty confession.

Life Recently.

I recently made a trip to Chicago for work, it was pretty jammed packed full of meetings and work. I was ridiculously nervous about leaving the boys, but I put on my big girl panties and dove in. I wasn’t gone two full days and Erik was able to take leave to be home for the time I was away, so thankfully I didn’t have to worry about the boys being with anyone else since I hadn’t done that until after my trip. Erik was truly wonderful and was a rockstar Dad. I didn’t have hardly any time to really digest that I was gone, I was so busy from the moment I got off of my flight to the moment I got on my flight. The flight home was insane, we literally were almost canceled and Erik had to arrange to have emergency leave added to his current leave at 11 at night just in case I was canceled. Thank god I have the most amazing friend ever who still picked me up from the airport at 2am.

I think overall the trip was good for me. Really and truly, it gave me the kick in the pants that I needed to really motivate me to be the best me I can be. It reminded me that although I am H&L’s Mommy, but I am still Anne. I do admit it was pretty nice to get up, shower, and wear makeup and nice clothes that weren’t ruined by the end of the day.

I’ve felt a little more at ease in my role as mom since returning home, Erik and I finally went on our first date on our 2^nd wedding anniversary since the boys were born. I’ve learned to try and let go of the control that I feel like I have to have on everything. I’m really hoping to start to try and wean off of my Zoloft here soon and get back to normal on my own. I’ve tried before three times now, with no luck, so I’m just waiting for life to get a little less stressful before I give it another go round.

I’ve recently gotten really into crafting. I’ve made a few things for my sister-in-laws baby shower at the end of the month, as well as a few gifts for her little boy too. I’ll have to share a few pictures after her shower to show off my skills. For someone who didn’t know how to sew hardly a straight line three months ago, I’ve come a pretty long way! It’s definitely really relaxing and it gives me something to look forward to at the end of the night as well.

Hayden and Liam had their 15 month appointment mid last month, and are doing great. They were 22.6 and 23.2 lbs and were 30 inches. They are officially scouring the walls climbing everywhere, on everything. We are still struggling with our vocal milestones, but physically they are doing wonderful. They have a great grasp on receptive commands and words but still don’t really say too much. Liam within the past few days has started to mimic much more than Hayden. I try really hard to not worry, and not to compare. But lets face it, its hard, when you have two babies who are genetically the same and one of them is at a high risk for having learning disabilities and other disabilities. I tend to worry about Hayden reaching milestones much more than Liam, as bad as that sounds to admit. They both can say ‘Dada’, ‘Mama’, ‘Dod’ for dog and ‘Hi’ somewhat. Liam can definitely say ‘Hi’, ‘boo’ for book, ‘blahc’ for block. They also can both sign eat and more too! Growing up fast I’ll tell ya!

I’m really hoping to get back into a workout and eating right schedule soon, I’ve been struggling the past few weeks and especially this past week. I’m drained and need to make rest more of a priority and I really need to find new healthy, toddler friendly recipes too. I feel like I am repeating my food way too much lately, which makes me not want to cook at all. If anyone has any healthy, toddler friendly recipes they’d like to share, I’d really appreciate it!

I hope to update more and get back to regular posting soon. But for now – bedtime! G’Night!

Grace and Mercy

To me, one of the biggest character flaws that I have is my ability to incorporate grace and mercy into my life. Normally, I am pretty good with having grace and mercy when it comes to strangers, friends, or neighbors. However, when it comes to my family it is the hardest thing to have and I truly struggle with this. I think a lot of it has to do with expecting more from family and parents and siblings. You expect more because you love them and you would go to the end of the world for them, whether you want to admit it or not. Recently, I was made aware of this and it isn’t something I’m proud of. I want to be the best example of how a lady should be, and how more importantly humanity should be to my children.  By not being graceful and showing mercy to my own family, that’s not being a good example or a good person. Anger and frustration have really taken a beating on me emotionally, and really weigh me down. I don’t want to be that angry person that snaps at the drop of a pin. I don’t want to be the person my kids fear, or the person who chases friends off. I need to forgive, truly forgive, and get rid of the anger and frustration that I’m housing and holding on to and let it go. Really let it go.

I really have struggled having a relationship with my middle brother. He struggled with addiction issues and is highly enabled by my parents, mainly my mother. I struggle with being frustrated with him, for not growing up and doing something productive, for moving back home frequently and accepting a lot of handouts. I get frustrated that he is in a craptastic relationship, for reasons unknowing to me, and has gotten his girlfriend pregnant. I am so frustrated that two, irresponsible people are bringing a child (another child for her) into this world and they are so unstable themselves. My heart breaks for that little girl. I think it is the most selfish thing they have done to date. But I’ve realized that being frustrated and angry isn’t going to help anyone, remaining angry at my brother for his actions and behavior isn’t going to be beneficial to him or myself. Instead, I should be supportive from a distance and show mercy and grace and move on. Be the better person, be the person I would hope my children would be. I know, it won’t be easy and I know there are chances for me to slip up, but I really need to let this go. It isn’t healthy and it isn’t fair for anyone. So tonight, I plan on calling my brother to catch up with him, to apologize for being ruthless and to help guide him to make sure he takes the appropriate measures that I think he should take as a dad. I worry about him becoming a dad in an unmarried relationship, I truly do. So I really want to help him be a good dad and a good person, I may not be able to help him financially, but I can help him emotionally and I can pray for him.

I also really need to let go of the frustrations I hold with my mom, and that is going to take a lot of time and a lot out of me. I hold a lot of grudges against my mom, and there are a lot of personality traits that really bother me and frustrate me. I tend to get extremely upset with her when she doesn’t tell my dad certain things, and leaves him out to dry. But I need to recognize that, that is their marriage and it isn’t my place to belittle her. I tend to be extremely blunt with her, because she victimizes herself, or she creates bad situations for normal situations. MY attitude won’t help the situation, so I need to distance myself from that and just focus on how I can help without being involved. I need to pray more for my mom instead of getting angry with her and yelling, and creating a ruckus.

I really, think that by showing more grace and mercy towards others and being more forgiving will allow me to live more according to His will and will help me follow God’s plan and allow me to walk closer to Him. I am an extremely emotional person, and I do truly take things to heart so this is a struggle for me. But it is really something that I need to change and is something I need to work on NOW before the boys have a real understanding of what is going on. I want to be a fantastic example of having grace and mercy and that needs to start yesterday now.