Update - Finally!

Wow, has it been a while since I have had the time to sit down and think without having a million and one things to do, or four little hands wanting my attention. So, for those who are still around - here is an update and where I am at now. Fingers crossed - there will be more posts, more frequently. If not for anything else, for me to get things out in the open.

Motherhood is so much harder than I have ever imagined it would be. There is so much that not one person told me about, no one told me to expect these things or that things could happen.

Firstly, I never expected a NICU stay - nor did I ever expect to spend the first 4 months home, under lock down. Only to venture out with a gallon of hand sanitizer to church and to get something from Target when Erik couldn't. I was too afraid of getting the boys sick, too afraid of risking a readmittance stay in the PICU unit. No ma'am - not my boys. And thankfully we survived RSV season.
Secondly, if anyone had asked me how I intended to feed my kid, it was without a blink of an eye, breastfeeding. Heck - I hadn't even planned on buying bottles. I ripped my breastfeeding pillow open and threw away the plastic cover. These babies would feed from my boob. Boy was I wrong. Some things don't work out that way. I pumped, and pumped, and pumped. Any waking minute at the NICU was skin to skin time. I took fenugreek, the max dose of course, I took Reglan to get some milk. I drank that nasty Mothers Milk Tea, I drank Red Raspberry leaf tea, I drank water and more water. Power Pumps, pumping every 2 hours, warm compresses, crying videos, blankets. I did EVERYTHING. And - drum roll - produced maybe, MAYBE 8 oz a day. Fail. Epic FAIL. I cried. Daily. I felt terrible. I felt like I had failed as a mom, heck I couldn't even carry them to term. I had to ask someone if I could hold MY baby - and I couldn't even make milk. What kind of mother was I? Eventually the boys were discharged, and I continued pumping - with my hospital grade pump mind you - and I stopped, 2 weeks after Hayden was discharged. Caring for twins, and pumping, and doing it when Mr. H worked nights (paternity leave was donezo in November). It was too much. So - they are formula feed. I used to be so, so very ashamed when I had to feed them in the waiting room. I would give a person a novel if they had asked why I was formula feeding. I received death glares - who feeds formula in a baby friendly hospital, right? Eventually, I got over my defeat. I proudly will feed them formula, my babies won't live and thrive off of determination alone. It wasn't until I found a site called, Fearless Formula Feeder that I became 'Okay' with our choice, heck our only option.
Third - PPD. NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. Never do you hear anyone tell you the realities of Post Partum Depression. And quite frankly - it's BULLSHIT. This stuff is real. It's hard. It's a complete bitch. I felt terrible. My babies were home, I was okay, and all I wanted to do was to RUN away as fast as I could. I didn't enjoy them. I cried, I cringed every time I heard a peep. And then I cried even more for feeling that way. I finally got help, and am doing so much better now. So much better. But it's still hard, and its still a battle. And I still have bad days. But I promise you this, if any one ever asks about motherhood/having babies - this will be something that needs to be discussed. Stop hiding it. Being honest and knowing you aren't alone is so helpful. Knowing it doesn't make you any less of a mother is what I needed to hear the most.

I also never imagined making such close friends as I have with other moms from my January 2013 Moms group. Those women have been such phenomenal friends and have been better than most (with the exception of one) of my real friends.
We were blessed beyond belief to have a church friend send another church friend who was in the process of becoming a Post-Partum Doula our way. Kathy was our angel, our life line, my sanity. There is no amount of words that could describe how she helped me and us. I wouldn't be half of the mother I am today, without her help. She taught us how to feed them both in the boppies - which my friends turned an hour and a half feeding session to a whole new 45 minutes. She taught me the beauty in multi-tasking, the glory in a routine and most importantly to listen to my gut. Only the Mr and I knew what was best for the boys. While everyone else might have good intentions, we are their parents and we know what is ultimately best. She gave me confidence.

So, what type of mom have I become you ask? Ehh.. some days I don't even know. Some days I am wishing for bed time so I can engulf my self in wine, other days I am not wanting our fun to end. H&L have made me so very happy. They have filled my heart with every emotion imaginable. I can't imagine life without them. Nor could I imagine having one and not the other. Sure - some days are crazy but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I never posted pictures before but here are some now of the boys:

 Hayden Erik; birth

 Liam Robert; birth

 Hayden - 1 week old

 Liam - 1 week old

 

 

H (dark brown) and L (light brown) - 'newborn' pictures (3 months old)

 

H and L at 5 months old

 

Liam after Easter Mass

Hayden after Easter Mass

Hayden and Liam's baptism - April 20, 2013

Sacred Heart Catholic Church - with Fr Donal

Cuddle time with mommy; a rare moment!

Hayden - 9 months old!

Hayden (left) and Liam (right) enjoying watermelon and pancakes for breakfast.

We chose to do BLW - by far one of our best choices ever!

 



 Helping me with laundry!

 

Liam - 9 months old!

 

 

So, there you have it - I'm still alive! I hope to be posting again soon! 



Thirty - Two Weeks

I just saw this and realized I never posted it because I never finished it, nor will I be able to now. So here is the last pregnancy blog post.

November 6th, 2012
32 weeks
Well, I had hoped I would of done a better job of documenting my journey during pregnancy, and keeping a written journal for the boys to look back on. Truth be told, I really don't have much written/blogged. I've been overly busy with work and taking care of the house and trying to take care of myself. Time has literally gotten away from me.

Someone told me when I was about 12-13 weeks along, that time flies by from about 16 weeks on - and boy were they right! It feels like time has literally flown by! I just wish it would slow down a little bit, because I want to enjoy this last month of it being just Erik and I. It's so exciting and scary at the same time to think that this is the last month we are a family of two.

We've pretty much finished the nursery, there are just a few last minute touches to make and it will be complete. There is a closet shelf that needs to be hung up in their closet to give us some extra storage, two crib skirts to make, and hanging up the first letter of their names above their cribs. There is also a print I'd like to get framed and hung up as well. Oh! And we need to get a diaper caddy for the living room, and their bedroom. Everything has pretty much been orgainized for the most part. We decided over the weekend not to do the DSNG (double Snap N Go), I just didn't feel like it was really worth the money, and Erik didn't like how it wasn't extremely sturdy. I figure for the first month or two we won't be going many places and can carry them in their carseats for when we do go somewhere. We've got our Combi side-by-side that they can go in as well as long as it's laying flat. I'm really hoping to wear them when we go places, it seems like it will make life much easier, and I'd rather have them on me than in a stroller!

We've had some pre-term labor scares over the past two weeks, I've had two trips to Labor and Delivery for contractions, turns out I was starting to dialate and was put on strict bedrest. My Dr didn't think it was necessary and removed that but I'm still taking it pretty easy. I find if I over do it, I'm in a lot of pain and contractions are bound to start. Erik has been wonderful about keeping me less stressed out and trying to help out around the house as well. He doesn't do it how I do it, but that's okay - and that's something I need to get used to. We have an appointment with our MFM tomorrow morning, so we have some questions we're wanting to ask him and are hoping for more of an explaination/concern. My OB was kind of a come in for a few minutes give his typical speech on twins and c-sections/vaginal birth and was gone. *Eyeroll* I'm not very happy with him and am considering switching.

The boys are super active, although I think space is getting pretty tight in there! Just overnight it's considerable different how much I have 'dropped' in the past two-three days. And boy am I feeling it in my back.

So you had a plan..

I apologize for not posting lately, things in the H house have been... well crazy. And here is why...

If you had asked me at the beginning of November how I wanted the boys' birth to go, I would of given you a list of things I perferred that would happen. I wanted Erik to cut their umbillical cords, I would of told you I wanted to exclusively breastfeed, I would of told you I wanted immediate skin to skin with both babies. I would of told you a lot - it's human nature to plan, right?

Well, it's also God's plan to show us that our plan isn't always His plan. The last week of October/first week of November I went into L&D at 31 weeks on two different occasions with contractions very regular. They never really went away, even with the shot of trabutaline that I was given on 3 different occasions during that week. My doctor chalked it up to being dehydrated, which really annoyed me because I was drinking 2 gallons of water a day. I was not dehydrated, and was planning on switching OBs because he had lost my confidence. On Tuesday, November 7th I had an appointment with my MFM and planned on voicing my concerns. I was getting a fluid and cord doppler check, via ultrasound. I hadn't felt the boys hardly at all on the 6th and was itching for some reassurance that they were okay. As soon as the ultrasound started I knew immediately that they were not okay.

The boys had developed TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) during the 2 weeks inbetween ultrasounds with my MFM. Pretty rare to happen so late in the game. Baby A was the recipenant and had a TON of fluid while Baby B, the donor, had very, very little fluid. My MFM immediately requested a quick BPP (biophyiscal profile) and sent me down to labor and delivery immediately after it was done. At 32 weeks 1 day, he made he decision to deliver immediately. My appointment was at 8:00 am, and the boys were born at 10:43am by an emergency c-section. Hayden Erik made his appearance first and Liam Robert followed at 10:44. Nothing, absolutely nothing went as planned, I didn't even deliver at the hospital I had chosen nor by my OB since he did not have patient rights at that hospital. However, the on call OB was fantastic.

I didn't meet the boys until 7:00 (ish) that night. Erik was able to meet them around 5pm. They were admitted immediately at birth to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Things for Hayden were extremely rough, he wasn't breathing at birth and had to be intebated. I didn't find out until post discharge when I read his discharge papers just how tramatic his birth was, I had been told but I don't think our amazing nurse wanted me to fully grasp it - what mom would want to hear that. Hayden was on an ossiclating ventilator, which was the most heartwrenching thing to see during our entire stay, for about 28 hours or more before moving to a regular ventilator and Liam was put on a CPAP.

Both boys had their battles during their stay, and we couldn't of made it through our time in the NICU without our amazing primary nurses. They are godsends and are two of the most wonderful people I have ever meet. Having their support during the bad days meant more than any one could ever understand. Erik and I didn't have any family near by and declined visitors because of the strict visitor policy at the NICU, we didn't think it was fair to ask family to come down when they couldn't even go and see the boys. Hayden suffered a Grade 3 IVH (intraventricular hemorrage), there are 4 stages of IVH - 4 being the worst. IVH is where blood vessels on the ventricles (that hold spinal fluid in your brain) have bursted. Grades 3 and 4 normally come with a chance of brain damage and a chance of learning disabilites and mental disabilites. Most of the time there is a need for surgical intervention. Haydens neurosgurgeon decided to do spinal taps prior to surgery to see if it helped him start to clear up his bleed on his own. Thankfully after 2 taps they noticed that it was helping and after 5 taps they decided he could be followed as an outpatient. And by way of a miracle Hayden came out of it with no brain damage, confirmed by an MRI prior to discharge. Liam had his struggles as well, he came down with NEC (an infection in the intestines) during his stay and had to be off of food and on antibotics for a week as well as isolation. Thankfully, he never perferated and the situation wasn't as bad as it could have been. Liam spent 35 days in the NICU before coming home and Hayden spent 40 days before we were able to take him home.

Not meeting the boys right away, or being able to hold them, was extremely hard. I was in recovery and the hospital policy was that I couldn't go or be taken down to the NICU until I could walk from the bed to the wheelchair. I had had a spinal and was considered a fall risk. I was in regular post-partum recovery and hearing the other women around me with their new babies was the absolute worst. I don't think I have cried as much as I have cried during the past 8 weeks. I can't help but feel so insanely guilty about the struggles the boys have had to overcome and how much they have had to fight to get to where they are today. I won't ever be able to forget a single lumbar puncture, x-ray, head ultrasound, heel prick, PICC line insert or IV they have had to go through. Nor can I help but feel terrible that I wasn't there from their first minute of life on - they were instead surrounded by nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists. I keep remembering learning in a breastfeeding class that babies are terrified upon delivery and that's why those who have skin-to-skin performed immediately thrive. I can't help but replaying that over and over in my head on an almost constant basis and I feel horrible that they each had to go through that not only without each other close by, but without me there.

It has been so nice having the boys home and being able to be their mom full time. The only things we struggle with now are my emotions to how everything has played out and my emotions regarding what has occured. I quite pumping after a long debate with myself. It took me a while to realize that the side affects of Reglan and the quanity of milk I was producing (less than a bottle for each a day) was not worth not enjoying my babies and dealing with the emotions the Reglan brought along with it. I tried everything and really truly gave it my all, but after 7 weeks, I just couldn't do it any longer. I currently offer Hayden my breast about 2-3 times a day and let him breastfeed for 10-15 minutes before giving him his bottle. Liam absolutely hates breastfeeding, so he only does when he is really rooting for food or else he would scream the entire time. Overall, they are doing fantastic and only have follow up appointments from here on out. They are acting more and more like normal, every day babies and less and less like preemies. We really had God on our side during everything, things could have been much much worse if I hadn't had that appointment with my MFM the morning of the 7th. While we've had a long journey so far, it's still a journey that I am so thankful to have.

Updates and Emotions

October 3rd, 2012
27 weeks 1 day

It's been quiet a while since I've written either on here, and even longer since I have written in the journal I've been keeping for the boys. Life has just gotten a little hectic, but I really need to get better about it. I want to have things for them to read when they get older.

I had my 1 hour glucose test back two weeks ago, it really wasn't bad at all. I opted for a Lemon-Lime flavor, since I hate Orange flavored anything. Pretty much tasted like a sugary Sprite. I felt a little dizzy towards the end, and had a horrible headache afterwards from the sugar. But I passed, thankfully. Me, give up chocolate and all things sweet? HA! You've got to be kidding me. No worries, there! The following Thursday, the 19th, I ended up back in L&D around midnight or so. I was having contractions that were 10 minutes apart, water and laying down weren't offering any sort of solution. We got in pretty quickly, and thankfully the wonderful nurses were able to get them to stop and thankfully I wasn't starting active labor. These babies need to cook a lot longer before they are able to arrive.

We had our appointment with our MFM yesterday, at 27 weeks on the dot. They did a cervix check and a growth scan. Baby A is weighing in at 1 pound 14 ounces, and Baby B is weighing in at 2 pounds 4 ounces. We are back up to a 17% growth discrepancy, but they aren't worried about it at the moment - at least that's what they say. There aren't any signs of TTTS (twin to twin transfusion) and it isn't likely that it would develop this late. We got a great picture of Baby B looking at us and you can tell a HUGE weight difference from their 23 week growth scan and yesterdays. He looks like my little gummy baby.

I'm really starting to look VERY pregnant. I really need to post some pictures on here, Erik is horrible about taking pictures - I have to beg practically for him to take one, and then another because the first one looks horrible. Then it ends in me being mad. Just not a good combination I suppose. I'm really feeling the babies move more and more, and I absolutely just love it. I could sit all day long and feel my belly and feel them move. It's one of the most amazing feelings in the world, at least I think so. It makes every heartburn, ache and pain so completely worth it.

We took the boys to their first concert last Thursday, the 27th, to see Brad Paisley, The Band Perry, and Scotty Mccuery. The USO was giving away free tickets to active duty military, which was awesome! I love free tickets and country music. The boys were kicking up a storm the entire time Brad Paisley was on stage. They're definitely going to be mommy's little country boys.

Otherwise things have been quiet here, truthfully I haven't been in the mood to have it any other way. I've been feeling quiet anxious and sad lately. I'm sure it's pregnancy hormones, but either way. I just feel so alone lately. Erik is gone at nights now, and I'm realizing quickly that the friends I have here, aren't like the friends I had back home (it isn't like I have hardly a friend back home any how anymore.. things change when you move away). Back home friends came over, hung out and just chatted with you. Here - it's more of a coffee date once a week and text messaging. Which is better than nothing - and I do like the friends that I have made. It's just... not what I need or what I'm used to. I don't know - this funk isn't hardly fun at all. I honestly just feel sad, it's like this pity party feeling I can't shake. I don't want to be back in Virginia Beach, but I miss certain aspects of it. I miss the environment more than anything I suppose, people are just different here. I just feel.. alone.

I don't know if it's that I miss having family near by, or that everyone and their mother who finds out we are expecting twins ask the question about who we will have to help us or makes a comment about "Oh, you're going to need a LOT of help!". I seriously could scream if I hear that remark one more time. I'm really looking forward to Erik and I having the boys and handling parenthood. We're going to learn so much about each other, and we're going to have to rely on each other and I think that's going to make our relationship a lot closer than we ever imagined. I'm looking forward to having a few weeks with it being just us and the boys before we have company/visitors. I want to be able to recover on my own and not have to worry about having people around. But my heart hurts when I see pictures of family visiting newborns in the hospital, because we don't have that luxury. The nurses and other soon to be parents at our hospital tours were talking about family visiting and I just had to tune it out completely.. we won't have visitors. It'll be Erik and I. I don't even know what we are going to do with Jade at this point in time. I don't trust hardly anyone with her, and I don't want to have friends over who are going to discipline my dog. It's going to be hard for her too. I've got a bazillion thoughts running through my mind, a million things to get done, and I just feel alone.

Here's to hoping better days are around the corner..

A little secret

September 13th, 2012
24 weeks 2 days

I have a little secret, or rather confession that I should probably let out in the open by now. I was telling Erik about it last night and while I don't think vocalizing it will change how I feel, it'll be nice to have it out in the open. I'm not sure why exactly I feel this way, but I do think it's a common feeling many mom-to-be's have.

So, the secret - I really, really wish I could keep my babies in my tummy forever. Not because I'm super comfortable, I'm starting to get to the point where I am becoming uncomfortable. It isn't because I want to feel their kicks forever, I do love feeling them move and kick! But because I don't want to share them!! Obviously, I will love sharing them with Erik. But, I just don't want to share them with anyone else. Plus, I feel like as long as they are in my belly (anyone else say that in the Fat Bastard "Get in my Belly" voice? Nope.. just me.. okay, moving on then.) As long as they are in my belly, they are protected and safe from anything and everything. Nothing can hurt them, no one can say mean things to them, they can't fall down and scrap their knees, and they can be protected from all the violence going on in the world.

There wasn't really a "trigger" or a cause to why I feel this way, I just do. It wasn't caused by the recent events going on in Lybia, Yemen, or anywhere else (I feel like this is still an up and rising story and things are changing so fast.) But those events do not certainly give me the warm fuzzy feeling. It is becoming extremely terrifying almost that there is so much violence and hate going on in the world. It's all well out of anyone's control and all we can do is pray about it. Thankfully, Erik isn't at risk for deploying and I truly count my blessings and lucky stars for that. I know there are so many military families who are just waiting for that call that might/might not come any day now.

I just worry about everything now. I worry about when my boys are older having to explain what happened on September 11th, 2001 when so many innocent people lost their lives in a horrid act of terrorism. I worry about having to explain to them why their Daddy is going away for deployments. I worry about the future, the uncertainty that our country faces right now. I worry about so many things. I truly know deep down, that all of this is out of my control, I have no control over any of my worries. I know worrying won't solve anything and that I just need to truly place my faith in God and He will make sure we are all alright.

But I still worry, I was thinking about the future last night, and the idea of passing my babies to someone else to hold gives me almost some sort of anxiety. I don't want them to snuggle with anyone but me and Erik. Is that selfish? Yeah, it is. Do I care? Nope, not at all. They are my little boys.  I'm sure these feelings and emotions will change when I've been awake for 20 hours and they are still screaming but right now, I'm okay with that. I think it's a normal feeling for any mother, especially a first time mom-to-be to have.

I know the day will come when they will make their appearance, and the day will come where I will share them with family and friends. But until then.. I am going to just enjoy having them all to myself and enjoy having them in my belly.

Beat the 1 pound mark!

September 5th, 2012
23 weeks 1 day

We had an appointment this morning with our MFM and found out the babies are much closer together! And they've broken the pound mark! Our little ones are 1 pound 1 oz and 1 pound 2 oz and I couldn't be more thrilled! (aside from knowing that 2 pounds of my weight is their weight!) I'm just grateful they are doing great and cooking well! We will continued to be monitored closely for TTTS (twin to twin transfusion syndrome) and my cervix continues to be checked every two weeks. It was nice and long today and my MFM said I don't show any signs of preterm labor! Yay!

Baby A 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 1 oz

Baby B 23 weeks 1 day - 1 pound 2 oz

 

I'm still in a funk and waiting for pictures to be uploaded from the baby shower so I will update with that soon. Otherwise, things are quite again in our home. I'm trying to figure out how to organize the nursery, and I'm itching to start. I'm almost positive I will reorganize it a million times before they make their arrival - but I will love every minute of it.

 

1 more week till V day!! (Viability day! 24 weeks!)

Sad

September 3, 2012
22 Weeks 6 Days

I have another post I should be writing, one about our amazing weekend with our families who came down and visited with us and about the wonderful baby shower I was thrown. But I have a few other things on my mind right now that I need to get out in the open.

I think it's really hitting me that we're truly on our own, in every aspect. Our families are over ten hours away from us and we don't get to see them often, and when we do it never feels long enough. All of my friends who have had children have had their families within a thirty minute drive of them, so there was plenty of support and helping hands. We don't have that luxury, and it isn't because family doesn't want to, but because we are just far away. It isn't like a day trip, or even a three day weekend trip that's easy to make.

For the past year and half that we've lived here, I've never really missed being super close to family. I've enjoyed my privacy, and my independence. The move was a wonderful growing experience for myself and for Erik and I. We've learned how to completely just rely on one another and get through things without running home to mom and dad to complain about the other person. I actually would say that I loved living further away. But after family left last night, I'm just so sad.

I'm sad I guess because I know that I won't be seeing most of them until the boy's are here, which truthfully is a bit overwhelming. I'm also sad because I know this is such a huge life changing event and no one is really around to be here for it. I know it really is just life changing for Erik and I, but it would be nice to have family nearby. I'm sad that I won't have my mom close by to help, even though our relationship is very up and down, I'm still sad. I won't be able to just have my mom near when/if I want her. I'm sad our boys will grow up like I did, far away from their Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. I'm sad that they won't be near by to play with future cousins and be close with them.

I knew this would happen, because of our life style. I knew that the military would keep us away from family. But I guess I never really grasped that my children will grow up like I did. Not that there is anything wrong with how I grew up. But it's not fun being far away from family, it isn't exciting to go on 10-12 hour car rides to see Grandparents. It isn't fun to have your daddy deployed. When I said I would never marry a military man, it wasn't because I thought they were bad guys, it's because I know what it is like to grow up in that lifestyle. Now, I love Erik with all my heart, and I'm so very proud of what he is doing. There isn't any mistake in that. I wouldn't of wanted to marry any other man. Part of me is just sad and I hope that my sons grow up slightly different than I did. I hope that somehow, some way we can find a way to make it easier with family far away. Skype can only do so much, but I'm really hoping we can figure out ways to keep them close with their extended family.

Maybe I'm just a hormonal mess right now, and I'm sure my pregnancy mood swings aren't helping. I'm sure I will have myself pulled back together in a week or two from now. But.. right now, I can't help but just be sad and overwhelmed about the future and about going through all of these changes without family nearby.